miles and miles of truck nutz

Texan Lady Sad About Those Vulgar Truck Nutz Dangling From the Bumper of Every Texan Vehicle

Back, and to the left.Here’s an Ironic Dilemma of Our Times: The only people truly offended by the dumb novelty item called “Truck Nutz” live in the only places where Truck Nutz are commonplace. Conservative church ladies simply don’t care for the plastic replicas of giant testicles swinging from all those pickup truck bumpers. Aren’t white people supposed to have morals?

A local area woman wrote to the local newspaper in Dallas asking if something could be done about those gross Truck Nutz swinging in the exhaust blast of every F-250 idling in the drive-thru. The answer she received was as unusual and unexpected as it was … obvious:

After a lot of nervous laughs, a spokesman for the Texas Department of Public Safety did a search for me and couldn’t find any examples of tickets anywhere in the state.

In Dallas — where police issued a disorderly conduct citation to Grammy winner Erykah Badu for taking off her clothes in Dealey Plaza — the hanging accessories haven’t raised too much fuss, either.

Ha ha, so just swing all the giant plastic male nuts in the air as you like, no problem. But if you’re a black woman briefly disrobing for a music video shoot …. [Dallas News]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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76 comments

  1. norbizness

    I demand more stories about a decal Calvin peeing on the word “ex-wife” or a Chevy logo.

  2. blossom de turd

    I done live down in Bradentucky, Flori-DUH and very, very few of the thousands of backwards ass hillbillies that populate this redneck hell-hole don’t bother w/the truck nutz. That says a lot about fucked up Texas is….

  3. Dashboard_Buddha

    Duh…truck nutz are the way to go…otherwise, they would have invented truck titz. Or maybe Bumper Labials. Shit…I should start a business.

  4. PlanetWingnuta

    WE are all offended by trukrnutz….nah….give me them truknutz with buttseks please…hold the socializm.

  5. V572625694

    Debra Knezek wrote Problem Solver about some truck bumper decorations that she saw and had to explain to her nephew. “Please tell me that there is some sort of law that prohibits this obnoxious and disgusting accessory,” she said.

    Ha, ha! There oughta be a law! And you know what, Debra? There is one: it’s called “The First Amendment.” It gives Celine Dion the right to screech, and every redneck in Tejas the right to festoon their artificial penises w/anatomically correct appendages. America, fuck yeah!

  6. Monsieur Grumpe

    Dear Offended Lady,
    There is a reason everyone in Texas has a gun in their car.
    MG

  7. WadISay

    Is there some kind of vaginal thing I can hang on the back of my neighbor’s VW Beetle convertible?

  8. bureaucrap

    We really should encourage the tea partiers to adopt Trucknutz as their official car ornament.

  9. Aflac Shrugged

    I just laugh whenever I see them. Everywhere in the world but an American-made truck, you’ll find the asshole *behind* the nuts.

  10. Diana Davies

    [re=553523]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Truck ovaries for women who go around yelling, “hell, yeah”, please.

  11. bfstevie

    Has Peggy Noonan weighed in on this burning issue? There’s no problem that can’t be solved by the injection of some good shiksa faux gentility.

  12. TVarmy

    Trucknutz are there as a warning sign. Like spots on a poisonous frog, they say “I AM CRAZY!”

    Just the other day I saw a man loading beer into his pickup truck and I was thinking “I like beer. He is probably preparing for a party! I wonder what brand of beer he is bringing to his party? It looks like a local brew, too, rather than that corporate swill!”

    Then I noticed his truck had the biggest pair of testicles I had ever seen. I knew, right then and there, that I should stay away. Those ‘nutz probably saved my life.

    I live in Central NJ, btw. I blame Chris Christie for the ooversized vehicular testicle invasion.

  13. Prommie

    [re=553540]TVarmy[/re]: Christie hasn’t seen his own nuts in years. Probably why he’s always trying to prove he has some.

  14. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Crowther said she was familiar with the bumper additions. “I see them all the time. I thought they were pig or bull. The average person would not suspect it would be human genitalia,” she said.

    Crowther obviously is not well-versed in the back catalogs of gay pr0n, bless her heart.

  15. weejee

    [re=553530]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: The Texicans has gunz in their rigs to shoot MGs. What about Aston Martins, or Triumphs, or Morgans? Just MGs?

  16. TJBeck

    Truck Nutz actualy serve as your Texas vehicle registration. They did away with window and license plate stickers years ago. Blue is 2010, Red is 2011, etc.

  17. Baldar T Flagass

    You probably won’t ever see trucknutz hanging from the rear bumper of a rainbow-decalled Subaru Forester. Even in Austin. Though some of the “chicks” I’ve seen driving them could probably get away with it.

  18. JMP

    Another advantage of living in fake America, AKA a city: I have yet to see a pair of truck nutz in real life, and indeed the redneck pickups are rare around these parts.

    I, for one, would welcome more black women briefly disrobing in public, whether for a video shoot or something else.

  19. Oldskool

    She’s prolly not the only woman who trembles whenever they hear a bump in the night and the roar of a big Chevy.

  20. canadasteve

    [re=553518]norbizness[/re]: Bill Watterson, the creator of Calvin and Hobbes, has never done product licensing. So all those Christians driving around with ‘praying Calvins’ are actually engaging in copyright violation.

  21. The Silver Fox

    We all owe Debra (of course it would be a Debra) our thanks, for it has been far, far too long since we’ve had a story about Truck Nutz.

  22. twoeightnine

    This is a pandemic sweeping through the South. I spent 3 weeks driving through there looking for Nutz™ for my work van and could not find them anywhere. I was even lectured, deep in the heart of Texas, by the female owner of a chrome shop about how disgusting and vile they were and how she had to stop selling them because she just couldn’t stand looking at them. (Despite them selling out.) She said this while standing in front of a display selling naked lady air-fresheners, mudflaps and tshirts.

  23. StuckInDallas

    Reality check from an unwilling Dallas resident: They aren’t white guy, or black guy, or perhaps even guy accessories here. I saw two “pairs” just yesterday, both on cars of the “lowered 21 inch chrome rims” variety, and frankly neither of the drivers was white. I’ve seen them on cars and trucks driven by men and women from all apparent walks of life. OK, I haven’t seen a douche-driven BMW sporting nutz, but I live a relatively sheltered life.

    This ain’t the 1960s, people… everyone has the same right to be tasteless now.

    I would say something about how you need to hide your flaws, cover your shame, all of that…but let’s be honest, you first need to realize that your biases are shameful. Racism is not acceptable. Not in any form. It wasn’t acceptable in 1950, and it sure as shit shouldn’t be acceptable in 2010. And your assumptions about the race of truck nutz owners are nothing but racism.

  24. Baldar T Flagass

    Maybe they’ll replace fuzzy dice as the accoutrement du jour to hang from the rear view mirrors on the low-riders down here in San Antonio.

  25. Smoke Filled Roommate

    “I see them all the time. I thought they were pig or bull. The average person would not suspect it would be human genitalia”
    So PigNutz™ and BullBalls™ would be okay, but no massively oversized replica of human ballsacks..

  26. snideinplainsight

    See, when I first heard about this I thought about those displays you see next to the cash registers at truck stops, and I thought “Mmmmm… I love those salted pistachios, especially the ones that make your fingers red.”

  27. topshelfdogfood

    First they came for my truck nutz and I said nothing.
    Then they came for my Calvin peeing on the Ford symbol sticker, and I said nothing…
    and when they came for my red, white and blue number 3 door magnet there was no adornment on my F-150 to stick up for it.

  28. comicbookguy

    Maybe if Erykah Badu was wearing strap-on Truck Nutz she wouldn’t have gotten a ticket.

  29. BOOBIES!

    [re=553611]comicbookguy[/re]:

    Excellent point. If she was wearing Truck Nutz, she wouldn’t be naked.

  30. Lascauxcaveman

    Conservative church ladies simply don’t care for the plastic replicas of giant testicles swinging from all those pickup truck bumpers.

    *PLASTIC* ?!!! Boy, those guys really are silly wankers. I’d be ashamed to hang anything less than Brass or Cast-Iron Nutz from the rear bumper of my ancient Camry.

  31. StuckInDallas

    [re=553614]Ken Layne[/re]: Interesting counterpoint but not especially germane. Unless you have evidence that what I am (or do) has bearing on the demographics of truck nutz..users? No?

    Truck Nutz have crossed over…they are beyond race, at least in Dallas (the subject of the article)…and you need to catch up or shut up if you don’t want to keep embarrassing yourself.

  32. WIDTAP

    I just came up with the next $Million$ Idea!

    Perky Nipples for your car bra.

    Slip these babies under the car bra of your sports car, and everyone will know how happy you are to be here.

    Baby, it’s COLD outside.

  33. Nim, ham hock of liberty

    you need to catch up or shut up if you don’t want to keep embarrassing yourself.

    I think there are a few things you need to learn yet, about our Wonkette and its editors.

  34. StuckInDallas

    Shrug. I’m just offering the view from the ground in Dallas. Not where I’d choose to be, but reality is what it is.

  35. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=553633]StuckInDallas[/re]: I think you’re missing the point here, perfesser, with your overweening lack of snark and all.

  36. Lascauxcaveman

    Also, “MILES AND MILES OF TRUCK NUTZ”. Heh.

    Nice little shout out to Bob Wills (and/or Asleep at the Wheel).

  37. StuckInDallas

    [re=553664]Gorillionaire[/re]: It’s never easy to accept that favored old stereotypes are invalid.

    Back home (in Los Angeles) we have a saying that seems to fit: Who the fuck cares?

  38. highway

    look, ken, just admit that a hispanic once bought a trucknutz and put it on a low-rider and therefore you hate white people. then SID will leave ya ‘lone.

  39. StuckInDallas

    [re=553709]highway[/re]: It’s not about hating on white people. It’s about realizing that some things aren’t about race — they are about class. A certain class of people likes those things. That class demonstrably includes members of many races.

    If, despite evidence to the contrary, you perceive class structures by race…what does that say about you?

    Hate on the trucknutz owning classes? Sister I’m right there with you! Bring up race and I’ll call you out as the throwback you are.

  40. Allyson

    Perhaps I am unwise to try to figure out the logic of hanging a pair of nuts in the back of your car, but have the people who adorn their cars with these gems thought about what happens if they get rear-ended? Oh, wait, um, er…

  41. ArugulaTeleprompterz

    [re=553731]StuckInDallas[/re]: And here I thought we were all just having some fun.

  42. thesheriffisnear

    I’m gonna have “Baby on Board” sticker on the left rear passenger window, Bob Jones and Grambling University stickers on the rear windows, a Garfield suction cupped to the right passenger window a disembodied arm hanging out of the trunk, a “Walking Darwin Fish” affixed to the trunk lid, a “Jimmy Hoffa in Trunk” sticker affixed to the bumper and naked chick silhouette mudflaps.Then I’ll watch everyone’s head explode from igonography overload.

  43. June Cleaver 2.0

    I had not heard of the (Eriykah?) Badu woman before, so when I saw this on the teevee, I thought my daughter had left Connecticut to live in New York and go crazy. She looks so much like her (couldn’t see her face that well) my heart started pounding. Then I saw the tattoo on her back, and calmed down. Daughter was in class being harrassed by six graders.

    My daughter laughed, then thought about it, then got mad.

  44. StuckInDallas

    [re=553775]ArugulaTeleprompterz[/re]: I wuz. But…

    I think there’s more to it. Snark is fun, yes, but it’s also a serious tool. It’s a way of forging unity, bringing people together and getting them on the same page, crafting consensus. Or it’s supposed to be. We rip on the outsiders to show that we are strong as a group, to discourage deviant behavior, to encourage consistency. And, just maybe, to get a little back against the strong and popular by subtly attacking without quite crossing the line to justify reprisal…and all of that is good when it’s used wisely. But, like all tools, snark can be used for evil as well as good. It can destroy as well as create. We have a responsibility to use our tools responsibly, to pull down the strong and aid the weak, to level the playing field, to be uniters and builders in this disjointed and destructive world.

    When we use snark to attack uncultured low income people, especially in a way that reinforces racial divides, we use snark for evil. We should be pulling down giants, not stepping on little people. We should be attacking the strong and powerful, not mocking the weak and insecure.

    We should, in short, be trying to create a more equal world. With snark. And I think Ken forgot that.

  45. jus_wonderin

    Okay, I am from this great state of Texas and I must admit, I find the “TruckNutz” offensive. Okay, I really think they are just dumb and only the mal-endowed have to put them on their vehicle.

    I do wonder, what are the limits to the auto-adornment? How far can I go with it?

    Oh, wait, is this auto-eroticism? Nevermind………..

  46. liquiddaddy

    To the extent they are “male,” of course it’s true. But they intended to represent bull testicles, not red neck idealizations of what a fantastically nice pair of human nuts would be like if they had any.

    Like all things Tejano, truck nuts are an expression of our men-folk’s persistent latent homosexual fantasies combined with extreme homophobia. Like assaulting gay people, football, wrestling, country music, rodeos, guns, trucks, and Rick Perry.

  47. TheWaltonFirm

    [re=553633]StuckInDallas[/re]: “Trucknuts are beyond race” oh my god I know a meme when I see it. I promise the next time Wonkette posts about the Nutz I will find a way to cough this up.

  48. StuckInDallas

    [re=554075]DoktorZoom[/re]: To use an exclamation I thought was limited to ironic usage until I moved to Dallas: “Awesome!”

    So, now that that’s out of the way, can we please start with the castrations already? If we each made a personal commitment being part of the solution, instead of just talking about it…if we joined together to remove mouthbreather nutz whenever we encountered them, we could end this problem in under 10 months. It’s time to move beyond hope and take some action here people!

    [re=554121]doloras[/re]: “Serious”? I admire your earnest effort to understand your fellowmen.

  49. Hemp Dogbane

    [re=553950]StuckInDallas[/re]: “But, like all tools, snark can be used for evil as well as good.” Your next line was supposed to be: “If by my comments I can prevent just one snarker from doing evil it will have been worth the sacrifice.”

  50. StuckInDallas

    [re=554258]Hemp Dogbane[/re]: I debated, “Mankind has a responsibility to use our tools responsibly,” but the mankind/our pairing seemed awkward.

    I would never suggest that comments could prevent anything. They can inform, amuse, encourage, dissuade — all that and more — but not prevent. Not like castration anyway.

  51. Rotundo

    “Trucknutz Transcend Race” Sounds like a self congratulatory editorial by Jonah Goldberg…

  52. Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=554293]Rotundo[/re]: Yes, where’s the “racial transcendence” gif w/Nutz™ hanging in the background? Oh–wait the words would have to be uh, ‘altered’.

  53. johnd@bullsballs.com

    Well, maybe she should walk over “nambie pambie” land and see if she can get her a life !
    BTW: in all seriousness, thank you for the free advertising… John D. owner of BullsBalls.com, the company that started it all, American made !

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