sacks of pulitzers

Obama Betrays America’s First Amendment Free Press For ‘Soccer Game’

A president who exercises is a socialist asshole ... George W. Bush, for example.So now Barack Obama thinks he can just lose the White House press corps whenever he feels like it, because he “needs his space” or “wants some uninterrupted family time” or whatever. This guy is not a patriotic real American, with his hatred of our nation’s most cherished traditions and his unseemly love for the Mexican sport called “soccer.”

From the U.S. Constitution:

The White House press corps traditionally travels with the president anywhere he goes, inside and outside the country, to report on the president’s activities for the benefit of informing the public and for historical record.

But America’s historian-journalists could not do their jobs and document the presidential whereabouts for posterity for a few hours yesterday, for the first time in YEARS, because Obama apparently does not care about reporters and their professional responsibilities, and just up and left the White House without them, which is Arrogant.

According to a White House spokesman named “Josh Earnest,” Obama ran off to watch one of his kids’ soccer games without getting permission from the press pool. So the reporters, they had to pile in “a van”, like Pedobear, and go hunt him down, how embarrassing. But when they got there, Professor Sneaky McTeleprompter was already gone! Was this all somehow just a cover for Al Qaeda’s new booty bomb? [New York Times/Associated Press]

About the author

Lauri works at the Chicago Reader, and also writes and makes art-pictures for Wonkette. Her creative projects—including a now-defunct blog about finding clothing in the trash and wearing it, and an exhibition of portraits of all 50 Chicago aldermen made by 50 different artists—have been featured by NBC's Today Show, the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, BUST Magazine, and other media outlets. She's written things for the Austin Chronicle, Texas Observer, In Pittsburgh Weekly, The Black Table, and other places, and taken photos for various nonprofits, bands, and publications. (She also has a law degree, for some reason.)

View all articles by Lauri Apple
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  1. germansteel

    Having attended my share of kids soccer games, I can tell the WH pool reporters they ought to thank their lucky stars they didn’t know about it.

  2. ManchuCandidate

    I’d do the same thing if I were in Barry’s shoes. Who in their right mind would want to hang out with Jake Tapper and the rest of the WH press corps (Helen Thomas excepted because she’s one person I wouldn’t mind having a conversation with.)

  3. Simba B

    It’s just so awesome the highschool jealousy with which they regard him, and the absolute cold shoulder with which he doesn’t care.

    The WH press corpse are full of overachieving failures-at-life, and Barry passes them by without even trying. They hate him for it, and it fills the rest of us with glee.

  4. Patty Dumpling

    Lauri! You’re the best, what with the drawings and the art and the Chicago street thug connections. I hope you stick around, and don’t get knocked up or anything.

  5. Katydid

    The U.S. Constitution’s fine traditions of freedoms comes down to us all the way from 1215, and the Magna Carta clearly states “ye presseth pooles olde circlus jerkus” would be followed – and enforced – WITHOUT EXCEPTION.

    Why does Barry hate the Magna Carta, and England, and Free Men Everywhere? And why does he hate circle jerks? Without a doubt, he’s no merikan. We merikans love our circle jerks. It’s practically all we do, goddammit.

  6. Mr Blifil

    Anybody who disputes the notion that 96% of muslim fundamentalist violence is the by-product of lonely gay boys driven insane by totalitarian restrictions on homosexuality need look no further than the exploits of the booty bombers.

  7. Katydid

    Yeah, Lauri, what Patty Dumpling said. Thank the pagan gods you don’t have a sausage, the guys were saying just the other day that there were too many of those things around here now.

    Wait a minute…if Lauri’s your real name…*stares suspiciously at Lauri*

  8. JMP

    No official welcome post? Well, it’s hopeful to see the recent Wonkette losing of editors seems to be reversing itself, anyway.

    The rest of the soccer teams should be very happy that Obama speared them from having to deal with the press corps. “Sally, the other team’s goalie just called you a ‘fart-face’. What is your response?”

  9. weejee

    They missed him cuz he ducked out in a stretched Ram 1500 with trucknutz. The windoz were so tinted he wuz givin’ the press a pressed ham and they knew not.

  10. SayItWithWookies

    Soccer game my ass — everyone over at TheFoxNation knows President Obama slipped out for a secret conclave with the preserved heads of Saul Alinsky, Che Guevara, Eugene V. Debs and Woodrow Wilson. And if that doesn’t make sense because Debs ran against Wilson, Guevara would’ve loathed everything Wilson stood for and Alinsky is just a fictional radical made up by Sean Hannity, well — that’s exactly what they want you to think, rube!

  11. the problem child

    Is “Laurie” the new artistic director for the performance art section of Wonkette?

  12. montresor

    Ken and Jim, good choice for your new co-editor. Lauri, good post, you’ve got your own style and it promises much hilarity in the Very Fun Future!

  13. arclight

    And I’ll bet Jane Fonda was there to spit on American G.I.’s, and now Obama is going to honor her on a Barbara Walters special that will debut in April 1999!

    (Obviously, Barry has a time machine.)

  14. norbizness

    I also heard that he ground his Italian boots into Eddie Murphy’s sofa and had the temerity to look a white man in the eye without apologizing

  15. BaconTime

    Cataloging this for “Loose Change 3″ when the White House refuses to answer whether or not Barry was meeting with Kenyan Illuminati brain reprogrammers.

  16. Mahousu

    So apparently 9:20am is too early for the Washington press corps? How about that, I actually have something in common with them.

  17. Escape Goat Nation

    “Soccer” is a second tier word that gets the droolers frothing at the mouth. First tier words are things like ACLU, U.N., Planned Parenthood, Environmentalist/ism.

  18. queeraselvis v 2.0

    “November Voter” from Arizona writes: “It shows us that he has something to hide. The office of the President is more about just the man that holds it. He disrespects us all by hiding from the public. What else are you hiding from us Mr. President? Do you really think we believe you were at a soccor game? If you were than certainly someone would have taken a picture of you.”

    Wait a minute… November voter from Arizona? Could it be?

  19. weejee

    Lauri, will you be the new Wonkette artiste in residence? If so, some sketches of Layne & Newell in their boxers sitting in their apartment bowels having offline blog bickers would be dandy.


  20. Jumping Jim


  21. Monsieur Grumpe

    Is this the same Lauri of the patented found and boil technique?–irIc=&ei=qyvDS4-NFcOBlAfr0o3aBA&sa=X&oi=image_result&resnum=5&ct=image&ved=0CBMQ9QEwBA

    Welcome Lauri.
    You are now my favorite editor.
    Yes, I’m a suck up.

  22. An Outhouse

    I used to say I was going to watch my daughter’s soccer game when I was going out to score some blow too.

  23. Litlebritdifrnt

    This is so lame. Now if he had ditched his secret service detail as well, that would have been a story (kind of like Prince Charles ditching his security detail by climbing out of a men’s bathroom window to go to a strip club with his Navy buddies back in the day). As it is I am sure the teatards will decide that he was really meeting with Ahmadinnerjacket to give away all our nookuler secrets in exchange for a glass of mint tea and a nice rug.

  24. WadISay

    Why oh why wouldn’t he want to be with “journalists” asking him what he thinks about Sarah Palin’s latest out-gassing?

  25. WIDTAP

    Clearly Ken and Jim were just so tickled when Lauri answered the interview question of “Why should we hire you you?” with “An Apple a day…”.

  26. Lascauxcaveman

    I hope Lauri’s editorship doesn’t mean a huge drop-off in production of snarky little drawings.

    As a former semi-professional artist, I’m dismayed by the fact that the last time I finished a painting was back before I took my current fulltime ‘straight’ gig. : (

  27. V572625694

    [re=553602]Katydid[/re]: You only have to regard his frightening, bearded countenance to know that Mr Layne has the survivalist/patriarch/gun-nut mentality. Plus he lives in the fucking desert, apparently. And worships HST (Hunter S Thompson, not Harry S Truman), also.

  28. nappyduggs

    Has anyone checked that Appalachian Trail lately?

    “Sacks of Pulitzers” was better than the butter on my breakfast toast, btw. Nicely done, madame.

  29. Extemporanus

    Nice word drawing, token vagina having editor person!

    It’s nice to know that Jim no longer needs to shoulder the “-ette” duties alone.

  30. Terry


    Folks at the White House might also recall those photos taken of Chelsea Clinton playing soccer when she was at Sidwell Friends and the nasty remarks that were made about her looks.

  31. Extemporanus

    [re=553598]Barcode of the Apocalypse[/re]: It is the oxymoronic-est press flack moniker, ever.

  32. mustardman

    [re=553624]WadISay[/re]: Can’t imagine why. Seemed like a perfectly legitimate question……from a high school student.

  33. Jukesgrrl

    [re=553619]An Outhouse[/re]: “Getting an allergy shot” is also a good cover story. Because you can come back with your eyes all red and complain, “Those damn shots don’t even work!”

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