corporate cover-ups

Creepy Tiger Woods Steals Actual Art From Mike Gravel

Hooray, a reason to put “Tiger Woods” in a headline! Did you know that he and his dead father and the Nike Corporation are thieves, with their creepy new commercial about how we all need to somberly reflect and then buy his golf apparel again? Former presidential candidate Mike Gravel patented this aesthetic years ago. Pay the man, Nike. Pay him money.

Tiger’s dad doesn’t even threw a huge rock into the water! What an ass.

[Tiger, Gravel]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Einstein&#39

    Now go to your room, young man. NOW!

  • Saint Ronald the Divine

    Masterfully distateful

  • Saint Ronald the Divine

    Masterfully distasteful

  • norbizness
  • Bucky Katt

    Isn’t Earl Woods the one who taught Tiger to be a pussyhound in the first place? Isn’t that why his first marriage ended and why Tiger’s mom eventually divorced him as well?

  • pondscum

    WTF? How are we to know that his dad? That just sucked balls.

  • JMP

    Woods is just joining in the American tradition of milking a dead father’s memory for cash begun by Natalie Cole, and recently perfected by Brian Herbert.

  • SayItWithWookies

    That’s not as creepy as the one where he gets lectured by the reanimated corpse of Orville Redenbacher.

  • mustardman

    I never abandoned Tiger and supported him 100%…….UNTIL….he tried to hire Ari Fleischer. Now he is dead to me. FU Tiger!

  • Einstein&#39

    [re=551713]JMP[/re]: And Kelly Osborn.

  • Sharkey

    I think I just through up a little.

  • WadISay

    I bet dad is also more than a little curious about Holly Sampson.

  • chaste everywhere

    Mike Gravel’s first day of kindygarden the other kids tied him to a tree and painted “Honky” all over his gravelly face and do you know what, the teacher didn’t do a think about it ’til one day when she found out years later that if she hired Gloria Steinem or someone of that ilk she could sue some famous guy over the whole thing. No bull, pure fact.

  • GOPCrusher

    When is President Gravel going to put an end to this Teabagger threat?

  • lighthouse

    …….threw the looking glass.

  • Dashboard_Buddha

    what.the.fuck?

  • Sweet Baby Cheeses

    Is that his dad talking, or Papa Nike?

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Through a rock? That would be hard.

  • TGY

    Needs moar blonds in bikinis and with numbers on the panty: TW#129.

  • Saint Ronald the Divine

    Its Jesus calling, he wants to hear about nailing the neighbors daughter.

  • proudgrampa

    Jebus. WTF?

  • Suds McKenzie

    right in the lumberyard

  • bunnyhead

    Tiger? puke.

  • memes

    [re=551721]Sharkey[/re]: The editorial quality took a nose dive after the last person left. I’m threw with Wonkette

  • Mr Blifil

    Looking forward to the heckling is all I will say. I’m hoping his golf partner joins in.

  • Jim Newell

    [re=551721]Sharkey[/re]: Goddamnit. I have been having a bad few past days.

  • Autoo

    Awwww… you guys are so mean. How can you stay mad at poor widdle Tigger and his Me-So-Sorry-Me-Naughty puppy dog hang-dog face?

    Yes, Tiger, yes! You can come back. We can start all over again. You can bang all the hookers you like. Just keep paying those mortgages and credit card bills, and we’ll have you back. One big happy family.

    (Just don’t ever ever EVER touch me again or I’ll kill you in your sleep.)

  • Georgia Burning

    So, is Nike dumping their old slogan, “Just Do It”?

  • MOG

    [re=551755]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Thanks, thought it was just me. WTF???

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    That’s the most erudite Gravel’s been in, like, ever.

  • What Fresh Hell is This?

    I want to see Riley standing in front of the camera, wearing his pink say-hey-to-John-Boehner sweater, with Ken or Jim (whichever is more sober at the time) reading that same soundtrack.

    Or perhaps a real tiger! Better yet, Riley and a real tiger.

    Just do it!

  • tbogg

    Tiger learned that bitchez loves them some tongue action. Also, do not sexytext the aforementioned bitchez.

  • coolcatdaddy

    Tiger learned that alimony can be expensive.

  • OldGrowthSwamp

    “I want to know what you are thinking.” “I want to nail everything I see walking.” “I want to know what you learned.” “I get in trouble if I nail everything I see walking.”

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Sure, Tiger ripped of Gravel. But Gravel probably first ripped it off from Goddard, or Malle or maybe Man Ray or somebody.

  • WindbagCity

    I’m sure the whole time he kept thinking how much fun it was to bone all those babes…

  • greg

    They ripped off the style of Andy Warhol’s Screen Tests, which were silent but, uh, deadly.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=In1c5O3bNeg

  • Jukesgrrl

    And I thought Natalie Cole singing with her dead father was weird.

  • jennx

    It’s all gone from youtube.

  • LowerdPeninsula

    I’d been really ignoring this whole Tiger thing, and didn’t care either way how people felt about him. But really, WTF, MAN?! This is more creepy and distasteful than the revelation of his secret life. This is the kind of stuff that’ll make you not buy a Nike product, again.

    Ewww…I need a shower. And Tiger “I’ll fuck anything that walks/My magnetic penis finds holes” Woods? Yeah; you follow me in and I’ll deck your ass, you hear?

    BTW, kudos to the Natalie Cole references, guys.

  • gertrudis

    [re=551829]Jim Newell[/re]: We love you Jim
    Oh yes we do.
    We love you Jim
    And we’ll be true.
    When you’re not with us, we’re blue!
    Oh Jim, we love you.

    Now hurry up and shoot the video suggested by [re=551892]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]:.

  • Bucky Katt

    What the hell? No longer available due to a copyright claim by Nike? Whatever happened to “reasonable use” for purposes of satire? This is as fully protected as anything can be. YouTube is a bunch of limp-dick pussies who flee in terror any time someone stomps their corporate feet.

  • lawrenceofthedesert

    When John Cage pulled this stuff back in the 1950’s, coming out in a tux and tails at Carnegie Hall and looking at the keyboard for an hour and a half, it was Zen and richly imaginative. In both the above performances, we are subjected to a pair of outsize egos and little else. People with addictions suffer from low self-esteem and overcompensate with excessive egotism — the phrase you hear at 12 Step meetings is “the asshole that the world revolves around.” However, I have no idea what Gravel’s excuse was; I’m guessing there is no excuse for him.

  • OCKerouac

    Apparently it would have been too cliche to simply show Nike’s golf spokesperson using Nike golf equipment to play a round of golf? Maybe with a cheesy ‘Welcome Back, Tiger’ at the end?

    Oh, and then some blond whores…