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Ever since the Red Chinese took their panda back to Communist China, Washington’s National Zoo has been a pretty beat-down no-panda-havin’ sort of place. Kids don’t want to go there, not even to get out of school for the day — what does the zoo even have left, as far as animals? Some old deer that wandered into an empty cage? Roaches? The zoo man asked, “We got anything?” And sure enough his neighbor dragged up a nasty-ass octopus when he was fishing down by the Navy Yard.

“It’s in the bucket, you can have it, don’t know if it’s dead yet.” Well good let’s make a viral web social networking thing to get people excited about, uh, naming this thing.

But, there’s no write-in. No place to call it “Butterfingers” or “Octomom” or whatever. The choices are so lame, we encourage you not to vote, don’t even go to the linked page. Here’s what it says, we’ll save you the trouble of clicking:

* Olympus: This octopus arrived at the Zoo just before the 2010 Winter Olympics, and for many zoogoers the octopus gets a gold medal for being a compelling animal.
* Ceph: Octopuses belong to the fascinating group of animals called cephalopods (class Cephalopoda), which means “head-foot.” The arms or feet (podos in Greek) of these animals are on the front of their head (“cephalo” comes from the Greek kephale, for head).
* Octavius: “Octavius the Octopus” is more than just a pretty, alliterative name. The prefix “oct” means eight—that’s how many arms an octopus has, and “Octavius” was the Latin name traditionally given to the eighth child.
* Vancouver: Home may be where the heart is—three hearts in the case of the octopus—and this octopus came the Zoo from an organization in Vancouver, British Columbia, at the end of January.

Yeah no, this is stupid. “Cthulhu” or “Nancy Pelosi” or whatever, that would be more “fun,” but even then … not going to the zoo for a fucking ocotopus. ALSO: If you are so in love with this filthy octopus, National Zoo, why don’t you gay marry it by replacing the panda icons all over your website with this octopus, “Nancy Pelosi”? [National Zoo]

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