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Octopussy.
Ever since the Red Chinese took their panda back to Communist China, Washington’s National Zoo has been a pretty beat-down no-panda-havin’ sort of place. Kids don’t want to go there, not even to get out of school for the day — what does the zoo even have left, as far as animals? Some old deer that wandered into an empty cage? Roaches? The zoo man asked, “We got anything?” And sure enough his neighbor dragged up a nasty-ass octopus when he was fishing down by the Navy Yard.

“It’s in the bucket, you can have it, don’t know if it’s dead yet.” Well good let’s make a viral web social networking thing to get people excited about, uh, naming this thing.

But, there’s no write-in. No place to call it “Butterfingers” or “Octomom” or whatever. The choices are so lame, we encourage you not to vote, don’t even go to the linked page. Here’s what it says, we’ll save you the trouble of clicking:

* Olympus: This octopus arrived at the Zoo just before the 2010 Winter Olympics, and for many zoogoers the octopus gets a gold medal for being a compelling animal.
* Ceph: Octopuses belong to the fascinating group of animals called cephalopods (class Cephalopoda), which means “head-foot.” The arms or feet (podos in Greek) of these animals are on the front of their head (“cephalo” comes from the Greek kephale, for head).
* Octavius: “Octavius the Octopus” is more than just a pretty, alliterative name. The prefix “oct” means eight—that’s how many arms an octopus has, and “Octavius” was the Latin name traditionally given to the eighth child.
* Vancouver: Home may be where the heart is—three hearts in the case of the octopus—and this octopus came the Zoo from an organization in Vancouver, British Columbia, at the end of January.

Yeah no, this is stupid. “Cthulhu” or “Nancy Pelosi” or whatever, that would be more “fun,” but even then … not going to the zoo for a fucking ocotopus. ALSO: If you are so in love with this filthy octopus, National Zoo, why don’t you gay marry it by replacing the panda icons all over your website with this octopus, “Nancy Pelosi”? [National Zoo]

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77 COMMENTS

  1. They should just name him “Head-foot” and be done with it. Maybe a last name too. “Head-foot Johnson” There. Done. Plus now he sounds like a cool old Delta blues guy instead of a gross squiggly octopus.

  2. FUN FACT: Octopuses are quite intelligent, possessing spelling skills considerably more developed than the common teabagger (retardicus teahadi).

  3. [re=549665]SayItWithWookies[/re]: “I’d name it “Housing Market” since it’s underwater and loaded down with suckers.”

    WOTW – Win Of The Week.

    Although Cthulhu did place second. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn… IA! SHUB-NIGGURATH!

  4. Don’t be mean to Octopus. They are intelligent critters who live pretty humbly. Their poor little babies get eaten by the tens of thousands in the wild and then ridiculous Japanese “fishermen” scoop up hundreds more to decorate their crappy box lunches with. Any random octopus is both smarter and nicer than Glenn Beck.

  5. Call him Octavian, write up some phony document about how Butterstick has named him his heir, and then he can get to work killing off all his rivals and ruling the zoo as a benevolent despot.

    It’ll be a little boring at first, but in a few years, his great-grandson/adopted grandson will take over and start having orgies with horses and whatnot.

  6. [re=549665]SayItWithWookies[/re]: T-dog is envious. Nice piece of work there.

    Unrelated: This thread is now about Tim ‘Dr. Hook’ McCracken.

  7. Well after that I should just quit for the day, per the Costanza Principle. My understudy, UtterItWithAustralopithecenes, will be filling in for me until tomorrow. Thanks everyone, and goodnight!

  8. [re=549675]SmutBoffin[/re]: The giant octopus is capable of learning, a capacity which the teabaggers have yet to show they have.

    They actually are incredibly smart, but it’s hard for scientists to determine exactly how much, because their intelligence is completely alien to us, as their brains developed completely independently from vertebrate brains. Sometimes, though, I wonder that they may only have failed to develop civilization due to their short life spans and lack of fire.

  9. [re=549718]JMP[/re]: Interesting. Yes the dying every time you have sex and making fire underwater problems have clearly held them back. (On this planet.)

  10. [re=549718]JMP[/re]: How do you know they have failed to develop a civilization? Perhaps they live in ancient underwater cities, off the coast of New England perhaps, and emerge occasionally to lure and breed with unsuspecting humans?

  11. Beware the mighty Septopus
    What a dandy guy
    He lives on top the submarine
    And he’s always eating pies
    He’s always eating pies up there
    And throwing festivals
    He’s the grandest guy in town
    With seven testicles
    Septopus!
    Septopus!

  12. [re=549729]SmutBoffin[/re]: For some reason the more intelligent animals often seem to act out when they’re kept in small cages or tanks for extended periods (see also: dolphins, killer whales, parrots, elephants, and our fellow apes).

    [re=549742]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: Hmm, I think I’ve seen some Japanese cartoons where tentacled creatures breed with humans.

  13. Wow, not even a bad throwback to sometime last year on the internet with a “Mr. Splasy Tentacles”?

    Probably because the zoo socialists would misspell “tentacles” on the sign outside the leaky bucket this thing is kept in and kids would be all “mommy what’s a Splasy Testicle?”

  14. I’m honest, can you make another post with the zoo’s phone number and stuff so we can have a good old DC lobbying campaign to make him Cthulhu? With the power of Wonkette, and perhaps some well-timed-throughout-the-day calling of the zoo to let them know what a true awesome octoname is, we can make this happen. I mean hey it worked for Betty White on SNL, why not ‘Cthulhu at the zoo’?!

  15. From an educational standpoint, “Ceph” seems like the best option. Admittedly not as cool as “Cthulu”, “Darth Ate Her”, or “Lord Octomort”, but if it gets the kids to learn a little more about our friends the arthropods, then I’m all for it.

    .

  16. [re=549661]AggieDemocrat[/re]: Totally!

    [re=549900]NJB[/re]: Also very nice.
    @Come here a minute: the FSM would be the only name.

  17. I am re-nominating:
    Chowder
    [re=549688]Sharkey[/re]:

    Just think about it for a few seconds. Beats the hell out of “Housing Market”, no offense to Wookies…

  18. [re=549742]BlueStateLiberal[/re]:
    Enough with your sick fantasies!

    But if you do arrange it, let me know. “I just want to take pics.”

    [re=549878]Cape Clod[/re]: One cephalopod? What is their toxin of choice?

  19. [re=549692]Come here a minute[/re]: Don’t “noodly appendages” refer to the Flying Spaghetti Monster? Please, get yer imaginary space monster deities str8. LOL Also

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