A Children’s Treasury of Terrible Tea Party Songs

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Two things need to be outlawed, if we are truly to reclaim our Nation’s Freedom: child voice slavery and the computer program “GarageBand.” Also: FEMA death panel for anyone who does a terrible lip sync to their own terrible computer song. All three of these Crimes Against Freedom are on display in the above video, but we’ve found some teabagger classics that are even worse than this one! Join us for a musical tour of the Teabaggers’ finest efforts in song ‘n video! You will not be able to get any of this stuff out of your mind for a long, long time.


This one is called, obviously, “best TEA PARTY RALLY song ever.” Besides the pure musical/lyrical genius, is there a reason why this particular song is the best TEA PARTY RALLY song ever? Yes! The person who posted this to the YouTubes says, “Fun song easy to learn. In only 2 mins…”


Hey, uhh, what? Taze her? This is from the Pittsburgh city council or something, somebody doesn’t want to pay their property tax so they will kill everyone with this sound.


♪ ♫ I am a dingbat, I am going to fucking kill myself … ♪ ♫


Hey you fuckin’ Mexicans, “Engleees is the lanyungleesh,” so don’t be speakin’ Chinee I caint read it.


This Paultard one is so awful it’s not even entertaining, but you should go ahead and skip to 2:51 for a completely irony-free use of the famous “GET A BRAIN, MORANS” picture. Wow.


And this is … what is this? Some kind of Pac-Man theme song made by a colony of broken robots on Sad Island?


And, finally, the child abuse again. IS IT FUNNY TO DO THIS TO OUR NATION’S SPECIAL NEEDS????

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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111 comments

  1. dillplatz

    You bastards. Why? Why are you doing this to us? We love Wonkette. We love YOU. And then, you go and do this to us. And at work, too.

    What kind of monsters *are* you?

  2. Cape Clod

    Sorry, I’m not taking the bait on this one. At least not until I can get to a place where alcohol is handy.

  3. Katydid

    I don’t get it. I’m Jewish, well, was born Jewish anyway, and I have never thought of scrawling a sign, “Yids Against Lieberman.” What is with that?

  4. Dave J.

    That “speak English” one is so incredible, mostly because she somehow rhymes “please” with “English.”

  5. Katydid

    [re=549437]Katydid[/re]: OK, wait, two corrections. One, I wasn’t born Jewish, I had religion imposed on me, and two, OK, so the black and mixed people’s signs aren’t scrawled, they’re nicely lettered. But my question remains the same. What is up with that?

  6. Buzz Feedback

    I was waiting for the Harold Ramis classroom scene from “Stripes” to appear in “Press One for Engrish.”

  7. donner_froh

    What language was the ugly tranny using to sing “Press One for English”?

    Pretty meta-critical to do a song in some unrecognizable polyglot while demanding everyone use the same language.

  8. ManchuCandidate

    Shit, I can do better than that.

    Girl
    I can’t understand it why you want to impeach me
    After all the things I’ve done for you.
    I get you COBRA and tax cuts and healthcare for your finger -
    Healthcare for your finger -
    Still you bitch and whine all night
    What am I to do?

    Fat girl wants to teabag all the time

    teabag all the time
    teabag all the time.
    Fat girl wants to teabag all the time
    teabag all the time.

  9. BlueStateLiberal

    Eh, needs more Confederate flags, etc. Boy, the English one is so embarassingly lame; but so are the others, I just couldn’t force myself to listen to them.

  10. Dashboard_Buddha

    I’m a little teapot
    Short and stout
    Here is my handle
    Here is my spout
    When I get all worked up, I shout out…

    OBAMA HITLER HITLER DEATH PANEL!1!FREEDUMZ SCHOLSIALISTS GLEN BECK GLEN BECK!!11!!HELP US!!!

  11. SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    You know, I’ve told my mom about a hundred times to stop going to City Council meetings, but does she ever listen? Oy.

  12. Einstein'

    Kay’s guitarist looks like Ron Jeremy.

    (that was in English so Kay could understand it. Press Fuck You.)

  13. getoffmylawn

    Lends a whole new meaning to the old phrase “number XX on the Billboard Top 40 WITH A BULLET”

  14. SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    Wait, English is the langauge of this country? Did we vote on that? Maybe we should, you know… Democracy and all that. And how much longer until the Language of the Country is Mexican?

  15. SayItWithWookies

    Ken, I can only imagine the basketful of vicious hallucinogens that prompted you to go on this journey through the acephalic musicolyrical wasteland of teabaggery. And I’m only hoping that on my drive home tonight I’m the first on the scene of a bad accident involving a truckload of Dilaudin and a truckload of nitrous oxide tanks so that I can appreciate these in the spirit in which they were made. Until then…

  16. What Fresh Hell is This?

    Since they are promoters of anarchy, where’s “Give The Anarchist A Cigarette” by Chumbawamba?

    “Nothing ever burns down by itself, every fire needs a little bit of help.”

  17. Doglessliberal

    [re=549437]Katydid[/re]: Obviously, you are not a Patriotic, real American. I bet you are really a Muslin.

  18. Cicada

    [re=549442]Katydid[/re]: I walk around with a sign that says “I’m of Irish descent and I think Pat Buchanan is a bigoted old fartsack”. On alternate days, I carry a sign that says “I’m of Irish descent and I think Sean Hannity is a talking pile of Leprechaun poop”.

    The bigger point is that the Irish have a lot of ‘splainin to do. At least as long as black people are asked to explain the actions of Tiger Woods or Marion Barry.

  19. Doglessliberal

    [re=549459]SayItWithWookies[/re]: THIS is what living in the desert does to you. Take heed!

  20. Einstein'

    SlouchingTowardsWasilla And when will these teabaggers begin to speak this language of ours?

  21. One Yield Regular

    Any chance these are available in 33 1/3 rpm K-TEL collection format? If not, 8-Track perhaps?

  22. Capitol Hillbilly

    Mr. Layne, long as we are outlawing stuff can we please add: AutoTune and any other pitch correction software; drum machines; 80s style gated reverb on drums; green screens in homemade videos.

    Thanks, this will make America a better place for our children.

  23. doxastic

    Nothing could better sum up what’s wrong with Teabagger ideology than “I am we the people.”

  24. donner_froh

    [re=549459]SayItWithWookies[/re]: It would take double handfuls of the strongest anti-psychotic meds ever imagined by Big Pharma biochemists to listen to enough of those videos to make decide which ones to post.

    Wonkette editors scrifice their sanity so we don’t have to.

  25. NJB

    I liked it better when everyone was writing nasty things on Michelle Bachmann’s Happy Birthday page. That was an exhilarating, communal experience.

    This is just pure sadism.

  26. Monsieur Grumpe

    As a performing musician and as a person who is also working at a company that blocks YouTube so that all I see is a white square of nothing, I would like to thank my employer profusely for I am stupid enough to watch that crap in slack jawed horror and lose my lunch that cost $6.76.
    Thank You

  27. momus

    TeeVee show ider, “Teabaggers Got Talent.” Sort of a Gong Show for the 21st century. The losers aren’t gonged, they’re (their,theyre,the’yre,etc.) sent to FEMA death camps!

  28. The Church of Realism

    HAHA, I couldn’t even gut it out through the fucking Preamble of the first video. They all need a good cock-punching.

  29. freakishlystrong

    I pray to Allah that the rest of the youtube viewing world understands this is but a tiny fraction of ‘Muricans. If not, we’ll never be able to flee.

  30. RoscoePColtraine

    The one where the lady sings about not paying property taxes to the tune of “Glory, Glory Hallelujah” just proves once again that retards always get applause for being retards.

    And I actually like the new “Captain and Tennille.” Mostly the ever silent Captain. He had a nice set of legs, din’ee? Give me a couple of white trash shots — (Jager perhaps), keep the lights down, and it might get fucky.

  31. SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    They managed to get a teacher, fireman, welder, stay-at-home mom, etc., but they couldn’t find a songwriter.

  32. Liquid

    I’m too scared to listen to any of these. Except I may try Press One for English. However:
    ” . . . song made by a colony of broken robots on Sad Island?” Brilliant. Thank you, Ken.

  33. The Church of Realism

    [re=549493]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: I got 12 seconds in and pulled the eject handle and I mashed the retard button, but nothing helps, I am permanently scarred.

  34. RoscoePColtraine

    Also, you can’t make a song about people wrecking the English language with lyrics like “…please tell me what’s it say?… and calling it the English lang-weeeeege. It’s moronic, no?

  35. Autoo

    [re=549473]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: NO! Not 80s style gated reverb on drums!

    You can take my 80s style gated reverb on drums when you can pry it from MY COLD DEAD FINGERS!

  36. yrustoopid?

    [re=549452]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: You just made me laugh out loud in class (and there is nothing funny about securities law)! I forgive you because that pretty much made my day.

  37. JMP

    She may be crazy and unable to sing or even lipsynch, but wignut #1 in the cowboy hat is still a would; unless it’s just the lighting and camera angle.

    These guys have to be jealous of the liberal 60s protesters, who actually managed to produce a lot of good music; it makes sense that the movement couldn’t produce a Dylan, who’s in a league of his own, but they don’t even have anyone on the level of Country Joe and the Fish. Hell, Tim Robbins did better fake wignut music in Bob Roberts than the teabaggers have done for real.

  38. Capitol Hillbilly

    [re=549526]Autoo[/re]: Sorry but that shit is bad for ya. A snare drum is not supposed to echo into the night. That’s why Al Jackson put his wallet on the drum head.

  39. Capitol Hillbilly

    “Press 1 for English” didn’t really go anywhere on the TeaBag 100 chart.

    But her next release, “Press 2 for Double Penetration,” was a smash hit!

  40. chaste everywhere

    [re=549442]Katydid[/re]: [re=549467]Cicada[/re]: I’m Eyetalo-’merigan and have often pondered carrying a sign that reads “Wops Against the Mafia” around River Forest and other relevant Chicago suburbs. But I have a WASP-sounding last name so no one would believe the Wop part.

  41. WadISay

    I let the credits roll (and roll, and roll) on the third one. Haha, he thanks his wife, but says Buzz is “the best”. Also, his father invaded North Africa in November 1941 (a month before Pearl Harbor). Maybe he was a German.

  42. hockeymom

    [re=549503]RoscoePColtraine[/re]:

    I thought she was trying to rhyme with Squeegee at one point.

  43. Come here a minute

    Oh oh, the guns of Brixton — oh, oh, guns of Brixton.
    That’s enough now. I’m tired of singing.

  44. comicbookguy

    As bad as these are I’ve learned to be thankful. Any day I don’t see a video of a duck in a diaper attacking a naked man with a dildo, is a good day.

  45. GOPCrusher

    [re=549580]comicbookguy[/re]: + 10 Internets to you good sir. For you are the Light and the Way.

  46. dillplatz

    And I’m proud to be
    an Uh’mercun
    where at least
    I’m told I’m free

    And I won’t regret
    the threats I made
    ‘gainst Obama’s family

    And I’d gladly
    park my
    Rascal here
    and defend it ‘gainst the gays

    ‘Cause there ain’t no doubt
    I love this land,

    God bless the USAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

  47. twowheeljunkie

    I gave up after the 3rd one. The rest are too long. I got better thing to do on my lunch break.
    Like go get a beer.

  48. NopantsMcGee

    Oh, bless you Wonkette! These are my favorite articles of all! It’s almost like a persoanl version of MST3K right here on my own intertube.

  49. Aunt Fancy

    How in the fuck can the man a woman be a revue? What are they reviewing, mental retardation?

  50. Ducksworthy

    [re=549474]doxastic[/re]: I was stopped by the title “America is me”. Not even America is us white people It just, the whole fucking thing is Me! Me Me Me Mine!

  51. coastingdownhill

    What I don’t get is how did this French Black man get into the White House in the first place? Why did we let the Supreme Court decide he should be President? That’s the problem: the Supreme Court. The UN and the Supreme Court gave us this loser in the first place. How did he become the King of our America? It’s just not right and we need to take America back from France, now!!! We have to make songs and signs and say things that will change it all back to the days before France was a socialist country.

  52. Mad Brahms

    “America is Me”: Patriotic music for men who pee sitting down.

    I’m also detecting strains of Dennis Mandalone. What ever happened to him, anyway?

  53. Mad Brahms

    Also, “Hitler would love this guy”. Because they’re both… black? Because Hitler loved… communists? Wait, something is off here. Dammit, if you’re going to break Godwin’s law, make it worth it.

  54. Radiotherapy

    I finally found something worse than the Yoko Ono Box Set.

    ….and we know wind power blows

  55. DickTaterPeeNoShay

    My favorite one- “Mr. English Only” rockin’ out in his front yard playing a Mexican-made Telecaster. It may even be a Chinese made knock off of a Mexican Tele.

    Only redeeming factor is that he had the good taste to choose the butterscotch blonde with the black pick guard just like Merele Haggard and Keith “eurotrash” Richards.

  56. liquiddaddy

    The ironic thing is that if they realize the America they sing about, there wouldn’t be any meth. Then what?

    Also, leather hats are the last desperate act of the truly untalented.

  57. GOPCrusher

    I really hope that guy in the Cardinals T-shirt negotiated for royalties every time that picture is used on the internet, or someone uses the “moran” spelling because I know someone who is going to get his taxes raised.

  58. Smoke Filled Roommate

    Engleesh ees the langweeeege. Is she positive she’s not from China, Mexico, no foreign place?

  59. Mostly_Harmless

    When I started playing all the videos at once, the power in our 25-story building mysteriously flickered and went out for a few seconds. I’m guessing— with pain.

    My favorite is the nice drunk lady with lop ear boobies in the third video.

  60. Radiotherapy

    [re=549755]DickTaterPeeNoShay[/re]: Ran across my mind too. Jeesh, these teabaggers are so cheap and hypocritical. It’s not even a Fender.

  61. One Yield Regular

    [re=549576]Come here a minute[/re]: Thank you for remembering that. My LP version of that album was “borrowed” (forever) and I replaced it with the CD, only to find that last line, maybe the best thing on the whole album, OMITTED. Arrrrrrrrgh!

  62. RPolanski

    [re=549465]freakishlystrong[/re]: This past Sunday, Harry Shearer did a great tribute to the Young Eagles who so valiantly conquered the lesbian titty bar in West Hollywood on the the RNC’s dime. This beautiful tribute was heard on his Le Show radio show broadcast on KCRW, 89.9 in Santa Monica. Here are the touching lyrics:

    Imagine really bad background tinny artificial keyboards like John Ashcroft used.

    Let the Eagle Land

    Flying so high, stuff gets in your eye
    Why wouldn’t you take a stand
    Everyone loves young eagles
    So, let the eagles land

    A next so extreme, seemed like a dream
    But it put a big dent in the brand
    Just for the sake of the eagles
    Just let the eagles land.

    Young eagles, they fly on Friday
    They stay up all weekend long
    But when they fly over West Hollywood
    Their sense of direction goes wrong

    Young pigeons and crow, who care where they go
    Their flights are completely unplanned
    But you’ve got to guide the eagles
    So let the eagles land.

    When you fly toward the stars, you may fly through some bars
    Air traffic controls undermanned
    Take pity on the eagles
    And let the eagles land.

    Brought tears to my eyes it was so patriotic.

    Oh, flying at night’s never easy
    Even along southland shores
    When you deliver them to their bondage
    Don’t stare at the eagles’ sores.

    Ho. They’ll soar again, heaven knows when
    But they’ll be the bird in the hand
    ‘Til then just think of the eaglet
    And let the eagles land
    Just let the eagles land.

  63. CapnFatback

    “Yankee Doodle” video, 2:13, the Boob Czar. Who is she, and what has she done with Janet Napolitano?

  64. UtterItWithAustralopithecines

    Wow, those were strange and terrifying — of the ones that loaded. I like “Press 1 If You Can’t Dance” — every country song ought to blend patriotism with a stubborn unwillingness to learn new words or assimilate changing cultural norms.

    The PacMan song had the advantage overall, though — it was just as substantive as the others, but, being instrumental, didn’t have the distraction of all those irritating lies.

  65. President Beeblebrox

    I couldn’t take more than one minute of the first video.

    If I had a TARDIS, I would take these videos back to Philadelphia in 1787 and show them to the Constitutional delegates – “Here, guys, this is what yr Constitution will create. Let’s take out that 3/5 of a person and Indians not taxed thing and avoid that nasty civil war, that way there won’t be child voice slavery and GarageBand songs in 2010 that play on yr rich-guy tea-tariff revolt against Triple George up in Boston… m’kay?”

    It might not work, but perhaps it would make Franklin write some pithy prose and send some of the states back to the warm embrace of His Britannic Majesty’s government, where they now have socialist gay Marxist free health care…

  66. One Flew Over the Wingnut

    Wow, wow, wow…I didn’t think an amount of suck that large could be contained on a single blog and not crash the entire internets, yea crash all of reality with it. Maybe it did, maybe I’m moving but you’re all stuck in time and space…at least those of you who watched them all. The last one is the worst of the bunch, and that’s saying a lot. Not because of the singing which is uniformally terrible in all of them; especially the one with ron jeremy and that porn star from the 70′s who sang “more, more, more” NO, NO, NO! But I digress, those were all offensive in their own small way but the last one was the worst. The Pittsburgh one shows that using education funds to train retards to sing ad-lib is a terrible idea and should be cut out of the budget. But the last one…ugh, even the Pac-Man one with its gratuitous Palin and Beck imagery didn’t get me as angry…it was annoying, but fuck all, Palinista’s are arch-retards, so it’s okay.

    That last one, with Obama all gussied up as Hitler was only the beginning of the immense amounts of bigotry that ensued, this was really QUITE ironic with use of Nazi imagery; I’ll wager there’s no chance the little authoritarian follower who made it would understand the delicious irony of the content of that video….maybe if he sat and thought about it for 1,000 years. So the subtext is teabaggers cannot sing AT ALL (or carry a tune at least), are racist, very poorly educated, completely lacking in self-awareness, are anti-intellectual, majorly homophobic, can’t speak English but demand everyone else speak it, use Nazi imagery with a casual style that belies who the real fascists are and love idiots who use crazy and bigoted memes regularly. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, these guys are a moustache away from wearing Brownshirts…maybe if Tancredo let his grow..or Palin didn’t get electrolysis for a month which she’s clearly shameless enough to do; they’d have a mighty ‘stache to rally behind. (especially a porno ‘stache like mullet Ron Jeremy in video #2).

    Sinclair Lewis once wrote that “when fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag carrying a cross”, this applies here; fascism will rise cloaked as anti-fascism works too. These people are crazy and terrifying; they are moved by dog whistle politics and are ready to react against anyone who doesn’t follow the Bush line; they are Manichean robots with a reactionary propensity toward violence…They should never be allowed near an open mic and for god’s sake need to be kept away from anything approaching music.

    Lastly, I’d like to thank our beloved editors at Wonkette for braving the lake of fire to find this shit; I’d excoriate you normally but I realize and empathize with the intense pain you went through compilling it all. OH and purple mushrooms for all the semi-attractive women in those videos, and cock punches for every guy involved….what am I saying? cock punches for all!

  67. One Flew Over the Wingnut

    I was quote searching earlier for a paper…and I found this nugget:

    19) “Rove’s re-election strategy was elegantly simple: Scare the bejesus out of Jesusland. F@ggots are headed your way! Satanic Muslims are hiding everywhere! That’s all it took to get Jesusland to do the job. Intellectual conservatives like the National Review staff are flattering themselves if they honestly believe Jesusland cares about conservative thought. The “reality-based” folks are learning that Jesusland doesn’t even care about jobs or the economy. In Jesusland, it’s all the will of Jesus. No job? No money? Daughter got her clit pierced? Jesus is just f*cking with you again, testing your faith. Got the cancer? Oh well. Soon you’ll be with Jesus. Reality is no match for a mystical world in which an all-powerful god is constantly toying with every detail of your mundane life, just to see what you’ll do about it. Keep praying and always keep your eye out for homosexuals and terrorists, and you will eventually be rewarded … all you have to do is die, and then it’s SuperJesusLand, where you will be a ghost floating in a magic cloud with all the other ghosts from Jesusland, with Jesus Himself presiding over an Eternal Church Service.” — Blogger Ken Layne after Kerry went down to defeat in November

    Ken Layne, you are my hero! oh and here’s the link, it’s an old award, but you made the wingnut top 40 most obnoxious in 2004. http://www.rightwingnews.com/quotes/obnoxiousquotes2004.php

  68. Larry McAwful

    It’s ironic that the speak-English-or-die lady keeps showing pictures of immigrants in English classes when it’s the anti-foreign and anti-immigrant people who consistently vote to defund English classes for immigrants and their children. Immigrants *want* to learn English; it’s the only way to get and hold a halfway decent job in this country. A more accurate summary of that sentiment would be a song called “America: Do Not Enter Without White Skin and a Gun.”

  69. Larry McAwful

    The “Yankee Doodle” remix is interesting. The photos, I mean. Notice how every time you see black people, they’re by themselves, but every time you see a crowd, there are no black people in it. In other words…

    Token Doodle went to protest,
    Posing with the white folk,
    Never saw him in the crowd though,
    Hanging with the right folk.

    Token Doodle, keep it up,
    Glamming for the photos,
    Mind the white crowds all around,
    We’ve got our film, now go home!

  70. thelonegunman

    hmmm…. i see a pattern here… all (but the last one with the kiddies) are sung in some sort of southern / rural accent with corn husker geetar music…)

    (btw – you gotta love the tea bagger with their misspelled signs telling people to get a brain…)

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