GAH!It seems kind of crazy to think that encouraging a bunch of ignorant, racist, paranoid fucktards to hate the United States Government might actually backfire on the Republicans who would like to be in charge of that very same United States Government they’re encouraging a bunch of ignorant, racist, paranoid fucktards to rise up against, but facts are stupid things.

The Wall Street Journal reports:

“Some Republicans are worried that an anti-government surge among conservatives will lead to lower participation in the U.S. census, which they fear could reduce the number of Republican seats in Congress and state legislatures. The census, which is currently being collated and is gathered every ten years, dictates the distribution of federal funding, how many House members each state gets and how congressional and legislative districts are drawn within states.” [The Awl/Wall Street Journal]

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  1. Sweet fuck’in irony, Frankenstein’s Monster has turned on its creator. I hope Bachman’s seat shrivels up like her husband’s cock…

  2. It’s worse than that. As the NYT reports today, the whole “I am the King Teabagger” deal means that literally anyone can run in the primaries under the ‘bagger label, since it is not, technically or in any other way, a party. Which means that they have about the level of organizational prowess as the Yippees, and are unlikely even to be able to unseat that drooling grandpa Harry Reid.

  3. And the Reeps first realized they might have a problem when they discovered that the census actually asks people to count the members of their household. “Um, one, that makes two, um, um…fight government takeovers!”

  4. So when exactly did the WSJ comment board become an outpost of RedState? Jeez, the collective IQ level on that board has got to be in negative territory.

  5. America’s failure to count its own population may be an indication of something, but what? In any event, not a very encouraging sign, and whether it helps the Democrats or the Republicans seems somewhat beside the point.

  6. It’s true — and I have it on good authority that if you check “Yes” on the “Do you heart Jesus?” question, that come the Rapture the authorities have plans to put you on busses and haul you to the nearest domed stadium where you’ll just spend your time bouncing against the ceiling until He leaves. So Christians, don’t answer your census! And those people who tell you it’s safe — well, they might be telling the truth, but do you want to risk it? If I were one of you, I certainly wouldn’t take the chance.

  7. [re=548658]Red Zeppelin[/re]: “they have about the level of organizational prowess as the Yippees” –

    Good news – and just think of the entertainment value when the Teabaggers attempt to take over Tom Sawyer Island at Disneyland.

  8. [re=548664]Buzz Feedback[/re]: There aren’t many to choose from. I think you have to pick Michael Steele or Alan Keyes, for lack of any others to consider. (I didn’t include Clarence Thomas because he doesn’t speak!)

  9. I figured out the meaning of that picture of the guy with the sign. He’s supposed to be a zombie. See? Cuz zombies don’t have autonomy or free will or anything. They just lumber around until they see a living person to bite, and then they bite him. They don’t decide anything. They just lumber-and-react, lumber-and-react. You know, like the Republican Party.

  10. Bachmann is safe. Her district is going to become its own sovereign nation, soon as they agree on the spelling of ‘sovereign’. And download the application forms from that wingnut site. They have a pdf.

  11. Look, let be honest here. The teabaggers have figured it out. The census is all about creating a master list for future internment, so all those who love Sarah Palin, NASCAR and guns (particularly if you’re white, southern and over 50) throw it away and ignore any of those pesky ACORN/SEIU folks at your door. I heard voter registration lists are also a means for Obama to keep taps on you, so I would suggest not voting either.

  12. [re=548667]SayItWithWookies[/re]: So all those honk if you heart Jesus bumper-stickers are a trick? Uh, how do you get a bumper-sticker off your car?

  13. This episode will make for a witty, little footnote in some future, Chinese nobleman’s The Decline and Fall of the American Empire

  14. [re=548655]Scarab[/re]: Exactly! They’re destroying our free market society. When you’re at an intersection, you should freely contract with the other drivers at the intersection to decide who crosses next. Or everyone should just go with a game of chicken. Stoplights are clearly an application of “correlated equilibrium” which we all know is economist code for “socialism”.

  15. [re=548678]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: No, it’s much worse than that. When the Census workers come to your door, they use special GPS sensors to mark your location for the jack-booted thugs who will subsequently come to escort you to the FEMA “camp,” haha, which is actually the Yucca Mountain nuclear waste storage site.

    The only defense against this is to buy more ammo. But you are absolutely right that the teabaggers should not vote. This will really stick it to “The Man.” Ha!

  16. Jeeeze, the wingers are still going cold nuts about ACORN!! over there at WSJ. Next time there’s a bagger tantrum, we should throw acorns at them. It would burn like holy water, and make Brietbart cry.

  17. [re=548664]Buzz Feedback[/re]:

    As an obverse, Alan Keyes, absotively. Conversely, Al Sharpton does his thang Beck-style, and the two share an obvious love of fried pies.

  18. I’m represented by Boren and Inhoffe, and I seem to have misplaced my census form. It would just “tickle my fancy” to lose a republican rep from my solid-red state, and anything I can do to further that cause, I’m up for it.

  19. “Some Republicans are worried that an anti-government surge among conservatives will lead to lower participation in the U.S. census, which they fear could reduce the number of Republican seats in Congress and state legislatures.

    And that’s why I’m on Craigslist’s Rants and Raves right now egging on conspiracy theorists who think their participation in the census will mark them for rounding up in internment camps…

  20. i thought people who read the wall st. journal were some of the most highly intelligent people who possessed critical thinking skills…. i was wrong!!!! what a bunch of morans!

  21. That’s right teabaggers. We want to know where you live and how many in your household so we can make enough room for you in our FEMA reprogramming concentration camps.

  22. [re=548695]freakishlystrong[/re]: Any ideas on where I could get a large quantity of acorns in time for the teabagger rally on tax day?

  23. [re=548650]The Church of Realism[/re]: Ha ha, you said “Bachmann’s seat.” (Actually, that should be Ewww, not Ha ha. Especially if I think of Bachmann’s seat shriveling, which now I have to try not to all afternoon, thx.)

    [re=548664]Buzz Feedback[/re]: [re=548671]Koch Fembot[/re]: [re=548727]Terry[/re]: Tiger? (Pending approval by Gloria Allred.)

  24. [re=548662]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Probably about the time the Journal was bought by Murdoch. Of course they’ve had crazed tendencies for a while, despite their reputation as the home of intelligent conservatives; back in the 90s their editorial page was a big pusher of the various Clinton-is-a-murderer conspiracy theories.

  25. Remember back during the Terry Schaivo circus when those dozens of conservative activists were standing around the nursing home parking lot with a piece of duct tape over the mouths and the word “Life” written on it with a sharpie? Is there someway we could trick the conservitards into doing this again en masse, because for some reason that shit was funny as hell.

  26. Honestly, one of the more hilariously amazing things about these teabaggers is how they will talk about how much they love the Constitution, even to the point of cosplaying as [generic upper-middle-class 1700’s guy], but nevertheless scoff at the idea of a Chief Executive who actually knows what’s in the Constitution, and when the government tries to count people, as they’re required to by the Constitution, they become convinced that it’s actually a communist plot, for Communism.

    So, basically, teabaggers love the Constitution the same way I loved my ex-girlfriend: as long as I didn’t get too good a look at her up close with the lights on, and as long as I had no idea what she was up to the rest of the time, everything was peachykeenawesome.

  27. [re=548665]Snarkalicious[/re]: He’d be the perfect person to direct the movie but he’s probably still on the floor laughing about the misuse of the term tea-bagger.

  28. You know, the Teabaggers are mostly just mad because they’re white dudes in their mid-sixties with pot bellies, bad glasses, and mustaches, their wives stopped being hot about 30 years ago, and their grown children afford them no respect.

  29. [re=548779]mumblyjoe[/re]: That’s because they love the Constitution that exists in their own minds, not the actual one we have. This is the Constitution without a General Welfare or Commerce Clause, that enshrines the Free Markets as the law of the land; that does not include the Sixteenth Amendment; that has a different version of the First Amendment, which establishes Christianity as the state religion and in which the free speech clause protects conservatives from criticism; and in which the Fourth through Eighth Amendments only apply to white people.

  30. Sorry Trig, but I need that word right now.
    What a bunch of fucking retards. How utterly full of shit does a person’s head have be to miss the whole damn point of the census? Bravo, Real America.

  31. Stop being racist against racists! My own grandmother, who loved me more than Daytime Television itself, was an ignorant, racist, paranoid fucktard. Little respect, people.

  32. [re=548779]mumblyjoe[/re]: Yes, they are also the same ones who want to “take our country back”. And I ask: “from whom?” A democratically elected Congress and a democratically elected President are working on the plan on which they ran. I quote their old friend W: “elections have consequences”. I wanted to take my country back from the guy who stole the election from Al Gore in 2000, but you didn’t see me running around in a red white and blue clown suit screeching about it.

  33. [re=548796]arclight[/re]: According to the NYT, they are also either unemployed or underemployed (or worse, retired) and many of them are collecting government benefits of some sort (Social Security, Medicare, unemployment insurance, etc.) so they can drive a POS Datsun around and gripe about how government’s gotten “too big”.

  34. [re=548800]JMP[/re]: Two things:

    That’s because they love the Constitution that exists in their own minds, not the actual one we have.
    So what you’re saying is prettymuchexactly like my ex-girlfriend.

    in which the Fourth through Eighth Amendments only apply to white people
    Well, DUH. Everyone knows that the 13 and 14th Amendments were actually plots by the progressives (which is synonymous with slave-owners) who were in power after The War Between States, to take the True Citizenship Rights away from Real Americans, and replace them with the second-class version of Cizenship that’s reserved for slaves and immigrants. But, you can undo this by exploiting a rule in the Uniform Commerical Code, writing a nasty letter to the government, and giving yourself an official-looking hall pass. And then you no longer need to pay taxes or have a driver’s license, ever again!

    No, really. This is What Super Militia Club Actually Believes.

  35. This census comes at a time when the right wing is in the throes of power outage. Their long Reagan run is over, and they’re not adjusting well to being the minority. Splintering is going on at a higher rate than the music biz’s market. The inevitable blame game doesn’t help, and the movements fondness for rabble rousers like Rush further complicates it. They seem intent on taking down the GOP with them. But the gutteral noises coming from the extreme right comitatus crowd are the same as they’ve always been. Flee to Idaho, file phony tax returns and shoot at everyone who comes on your property — and somehow this relates to Patrick Henry(!?). Reducing life to a comic book tends to have those kinds of silly results. Merchants who pander to the right like Murdoch must be anxious indeed; karma is calling.

  36. And those Republitards fought tooth and nail to keep the Census Bureau from employing any sort of sampling to try and correct for any undercounting. Betcha they’re wishing they hadn’t fought so hard now that they’re the ones being undercounted. Morans.

  37. [re=548658]Red Zeppelin[/re]: At least the Yippies could take solace in drugs, hippie chicks and the MC5.

    Where will the teabaggers turn when their dreams are ground into dust?

  38. [re=548850]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: Doesn’t really seem to prevent them from winning elections, though.

    Apparently undirected, incoherent outrage is salable.

  39. Conservatives are gonna send in the census in large numbers. The baggers are so cynical that there’s no way they’d pass up a perfectly good opportunity to underrepresent black folks. It’s not like they can’t keep screeching about socialism at the same time.

  40. [re=548819]mumblyjoe[/re]: thanks, mumbly, i went through the looking-glass of your link and found myself indeed in wonderland, where words don’t mean today what they might have meant yesterday. wonder how many fighter wings the self-proclaimed sovereign individuals can muster in a pinch.

    “straw man, going straight to the devil. straw man, going straight to hell.” (thanks, lou)

  41. [re=548888]slappypaddy[/re]: Honestly, my favorite part of the whole thing is about how the 14th Amendment was secretly about taking rights away from white people, not about giving them to everyone else. And how non-whites implicitly have a second-rate citizenship, and by definition, can’t join the super-seekret club of soverign citizens.

    Y’know, not that these guys are racist and self-involved, or anything like that- they just don’t think that non-whites have the same citizenship rights of white people, and want to go back to a time before the 14th Amendment. What’s so difficult to understand about that?

  42. [re=548779]mumblyjoe[/re]: This morning, on a comments board for a Yahoo article about how, well, the Tea Party is really not as big a deal as it *thinks* it is, the Conservatards were going nuts, as in 4 or 5 *thousand* “thumbs up” for every bit of insane Conservatard drivel, vs. maybe half that many “thumbs down”.

    But one guy was going on and on about how the HCR bill/law violated the precious Constitution, of course.

    So I asked, fairly politely:


    What part of the Constitution is Obama supposedly using as toilet paper, again?

    Please cite the section, and include some at least semi-convincing argument to show that Obama’s actions violate that section.

    And no fair defining words your “special” way; use the same definitions the rest of us use, please.


    I got 15 “thumbs down” in 2 minutes. No answer. So I posted these questions again. Still, nothing but thumbs down until 1 Brave Brilliant Patriot answered:

    “The whole fricken’ thing!! Get your Mommy to read it to you, cause I don’t have time to read it again. Where does the Constitution allow forcing Americans to buy a product?”

    In other words, they got nothing, and they *still* got nothing.

    I had similar fun, in the next thread, where they were hyperventilating about the End of Days and the Terrible Terrible Government Tyranny under which they are now suffering, when I asked them to please enumerate which government tyrannies were currently destroying them.

    Either crickets, or “your stupid”, or “your a faggy fenimized Lib, right?”

    Good times.

  43. [re=548910]iolanthe[/re]: Honestly, I love asking ppl to cite the specific part of the constitution that HCR violates, because the rare person that’s actually sufficiently savvy on their talking points will say something about “blah blah blah government’s never required people to buy things”. At which point, I get to retort with, “yeah, well, Second Militia Act of 1792, bitches!*”

    *FUN FACT: the phrase “Second Militia Act of 1792, bitches!” has never been uttered in the entirety of human history.

  44. [re=548910]iolanthe[/re]: That’s the best part about egging them on. Especially when they complain about how libtards are engaging in name calling by pointing out the fact that they are racists. Takes about two or three posts before they go all two year old and start kicking and screaming.
    I also get a kick out of these Constitutional lawyers that inform me that “I’m just afraid to see the truth.”
    I guess Andrew Breitbart is the Grand Arbiter of The Truth in America now.

  45. [re=548932]mumblyjoe[/re]: Monster props, there Mumbly. Plus, everything’s more fun to say with “…,bitches!” At the end.

  46. It would serve the TeaTards right if the USA was redistricted by a bunch of liberal faggots.
    I hope none of their leaders explains this to them.
    They probably won’t, since Beck and the other tea bag leaders have been calling the census a commie plot to give all Americans the mark of the beast for years….

  47. @Red Zeppelin

    I found this article cross-posted over on Politico, and so found your comment, from whence cometh my new Politico sig, so thank you!

    “I don’t want to disparage the Tea Party movement. They are at -least- as organized as the Yippies were in the ’60s.”

    If Abbie were alive he’d be bustin’ a gut at your comparison.

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