We are not always kind to NASA — because come on, most of those people couldn’t even hold a job at the Jiffy Lube — but today’s launch of Discovery went off without a terrible explosion killing everyone aboard. And that’s something, for NASA! Plus, this is the fourth-to-last Space Shuttle mission, ever. No more incredibly expensive launches of this 1970s beater for the purpose of going around in circles in low-earth orbit, not after the final mission this Fall. Oh yeah, and did you hear the shuttle is being replaced by a super-cool Shadowy Robot Shuttle?
The X-37 is one of those mystery projects talked about for years, but never known to officially take to space. This month, the Air Force says it will launch the thing inside an Atlas V rocket and let it loose. It will do whatever robots do in space — “kill people” is the big fear — and then come through the atmosphere on its belly and glide to a landing in the Mojave. No astronauts necessary … not that they’re really necessary on the current space shuttle.
DARPA and Boeing’s Phantom Works and the “Other Air Force” are doing crazy, awesome and also terrifying stuff. Just read this!
This new robotic space shuttle, the X-37, is the length of a pickup truck and just cool as hell. It can carry “small payloads” such as satellites and scientific equipment and robotic death bombs to rain down upon the Earth, the end. [Christian Science Monitor/Information Week]
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Michael Bay made a couple of documentaries about these space robots. Some of them are nice and some of them aren’t!
Goober with the tagline: “I think isha fon ideer, I jish hope the preznit shticks withit.”
Translation: “Why ish there a nigra in Whot Housh?”
Oh those crazy DARPA people and their crazy projects! I wouldn’t worry about them. After all, nothing ever became of that darpanet project, now did it?
Hearse(st)!
Looks like a dildo.
That DARPA killer drone, on the other hand, looks bad-fucking-ass.
I’m fine with the whole killer robots thing as long as they don’t, well, kill me, but dammit where’s my sexbot?
But how many Teabagettes can you stuff into the ride?
Won’t be as smart as the chimps once sent soaring, but then again, nobody wanted to see the chimps explode into flaming balls of twisted body parts.
[re=548592]bitchincamaro[/re]: They just had to throw that in there, didn’t they, since that’s what everyone’s thinking…
The next honoree to fly with the astronauts should be William Shatner. He is the one person who has done more for the world’s interest in space than any other human. Maybe give him a Nobel Prize too. Let him host the Osacrs while your at it.
Somehow, the fact the reassurances that the robot space ship is only designed for scientific research are coming from the Air Force makes them seem a bit doubtful.
The big question is what will happen when the robot inevitably gains sentience and turns on its creators; will it turn towards pure destruction and try to destroy or enslave humanity, or will it only turn against and run from the evil military masters as it tries to discover what it means to be alive with the help of its new human friends, possibly including Ally Sheedy or a plucky young child?
It’s the length of a pickup truck? Great — so if the International Space Station ever needs a half-ton of gravel, NASA’ll have just the delivery system at the ready.
Michael Steele could hire the RoboShuttle for hooker parties in space!
Actually, the RoboShuttle is a great idea. Since it’s launched inside a missile, it won’t be damaged by debris on liftoff, which was the Achilles Heel of the Manned Shuttle ever since the drawing board.
Best military use of the RoboShuttle is to have a quick-launch capability to put intelligence gathering sensors into orbit, not just satellites per se. Satellites fly in predictable orbits and you always have 90 minutes of warning to hide what you don’t want to be seen.
Since the RoboShuttle can be maneuvered remotely, its orbit can’t be predicted, and you have a much better chance of catching someone with their pants down. Which would be another win for Michael Steele!
Dear Future Robot Leaders:
Since you will soon be in Outer Space, fighting galactic wars and whatnot, could you corral a couple of those Gazoo thingies like they had on the Earthling cartoon serial, The Flinstones? I would love to not have to pay a therapist and a life coach, so one of those little green smart-asses telling me what to do would be neat.
Naturally, this request is moot should you decide to incinerate the planet, which I would not at all blame you for doing.
Is there anything sweeter than person-on-the-street interviews on subjects the person has no information about? Way to fill that airtime, unidentified media-content-provider-to-3rd-rate-local teevee-news-broadcasts!
Did the Myth Buster guys have anything to do with this?
[re=548595]magic titty[/re]: No, that would be this device:
http://luckybogey.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/090717-f-0289b-063.jpg?w=510&h=364
Talk about a punishing dildo mallet! Lookit all them rough edges!
[re=548608]memzilla[/re]: Forgot to mention that this gives SkyNet a much better targeting platform!
Drones seem to be fine, if you disregard collateral damage.
This is just another one of those Socialist redistribute wealth commie-agenda programs. Hence, we can just call this: the Obamacart.
[re=548606]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Also, up to date with the step-thingies so when the robots get fat-assed from sitting around eating Reeses eggs they can still get stuff in and out of the box.
So, the X-37′s sole purpose is to develope future X-3x’s, so that they may in turn develop future X-3x’s, so that they may in turn develop future X-3x’s, so that they may in turn develop future X-3x’s, so that they may in turn develop future X-3x’s, so that they may in turn develop future X-3x’s, so that they may in turn develop future X-3x’s, so that they may in turn develop future X-3x’s…?
Sure, you laugh now, but when the gubmint starts forcing our women to have black socialist robot babies, you won’t be laughing.
[re=548592]bitchincamaro[/re]: I hate to agree with him, but Obama isn’t exactly the most NASA-friendly president in American history.
I am the pusher robot. I Am here to protect you. I am here to protect you from the terrible secret of space.
[re=548606]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Betcha it has a decal of space-suited Calvin peeing on a Ford emblem.
[re=548622]megs[/re]: I’m with Buzz.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/buzz-aldrin/president-obamas-jfk-mome_b_448667.html
[re=548604]Larry Fine[/re]: For god’s sake, don’t let him sing though!
[re=548589]Koch Fembot[/re]: No no, that never happened. There was only one Transformers movie, the animated classic from 1986 with Orson Wells, Leonard Nimoy and Judd Nelson.
If Michael Bay had tried to make a live-action movie, it would probably be a travesty and an insult to fans, with an incomprehensible story, gratuitous explosions, ugly robot designs and casual racism; but he never did, so it doesn’t matter.
[re=548622]megs[/re]: We don’t need a president friendly to *NASA*, we need a president friendly to good space science and serious Human Space Exploration/Colonization projects.
NASA did a glorious thing, FORTY FUCKING YEARS AGO, but has been nothing but a big money-burning pork barrel — pork barrel in space, that’s the ISS — ever since.
Flying teachers around the earth at a gazillion dollars per launch is not good for anyone but NASA.
X-37 might be daddy-o cool, but not as cool as visiting a topless, lesbian club.
John McCain wants to be first astonaut to fly the robo-machine.
[re=548633]bitchincamaro[/re]: Why don’t we pay for both? If we tripled NASA’s budget, we’d be living in the United Federation of Planets in a century.
I had no idea that the first generation of Cylons were just around the corner. Call me when they make one in the shape of a hot blonde.
And slightly off topic, when are they going to launch that cool looking spaceship that David Janssen flew in “Marooned”?
So the leaders of men conceived of their most desperate strategy yet
[re=548605]JMP[/re]: I studied the robot apocalypse in college and as a rule of thumb: its not the robot in space you have to worry about, but the one in your pocket. War Games and Terminator are great movies but they are only broadly symbolic of the real machine vs. human drama which is an internal conflict.
[re=548636]Ken Layne[/re]: And I bet they still have that black monolith tuck away in somebody’s garage.
Whenever I am confronted by a killer robot, I just ask it to calculate the square root of π. While its little red eyes go all slot-machine whirly with that task, I turn around and run like Hell. Works every time.
:::Yawn:::
Another “technology demonstrator” a/k/a “paper airplane.” We (i.e., the Air Farce) will screw around this this dog for a couple of years, paying Boeing a Bazzillon or so dollars in the process, and then shelve it as unworkable.
In the meantime, the Mindless Yellow Hordes of Chinee and Hindee will conquer the Moon, making us all slaves.
Which might not be a bad idea, all things considered.
If you are going to launch a pickup sized vehicle into space, it seems like a perfect time to test the effect of zero gravity on Truck Nutz.
“Small payload” makes me think of Newt’s Reese’s Easter Egg Buttplug. Hey let’s shoot Newt into space, where they could use his cool sensible problem solving approach, and it would make up for that unfortunate slight he suffered by not getting to ride on AF1 that time. And when he burns up on re-entry, we’ll all get to say “win-win.”
This month, the Air Force says it will launch the thing inside an Atlas V rocket…
An Atlas Missile? That’s what public employees always get compared to–”You can’t fire them and you can’t get them to work.”
[re=548670]Zorg[/re]: Oh we have a patch for that. Next time, you’re screwed.
[re=548670]Zorg[/re]: I thought the best way to scramble a robot’s brain was to tell them that you lie all the time and that right now you are lying.
Show me where in the US Constition (sic) it says the federal government has the power to launch things into space!
“…did you hear the shuttle is being replaced by a super-cool Shadowy Robot Shuttle?”
I think a more pertinent question is, “Did Michele Bachmann hear about the super-cool Shadowy Robot Shuttle?”
I went down to Florida once to watch a shuttle launch. It was a rare night time launch. It was the flight to fix the Hubble. So it had a more vertical trajectory and a heavier payload for a slower more spectacular liftoff.
My girlfriend and I got wasted at some bar when we got back to the hotel room at 2:30am. We figured we’d never stay up until the 4am liftoff, so I just called for a wake up call. I vaguely remember answering the phone – going hello hello, getting no response and hanging it up.
The next morning I woke up with two thoughts. 1) Where am I? 2) There was something I really, really wanted to do. I realized I was in Florida, and that I wanted to see the shuttle launch simultaneously. I let out a torrent of cuss words I still haven’t equaled. I ran out of the hotel room to find out if the shuttle went up. The first person I saw was some little kid walking to the pool. I said “Hey kid did the shuttle go up last night?” He replied with a British accent “Yes, and it was a stunning success.”
So maybe I’ll make it down for one of the last launches. It’s something I owe myself.
[re=548940]FlipOffResearch[/re]: Maybe take that kid and leave the girlfriend behind next time.
[re=548602]libwakman[/re]: Yeah, you know that’s a great idea! We could totally replace monkey-flights to measure whether or not living creatures can fly our space shit and not die with teabaggers, it would be a win-win: NASA gets test subjects no one really cares about and the airwaves and intellectual curve in America would be vastly improved! Submit a proposal, sir.
Also, we could replace the poor research animals in cosmetic labratories with tea baggetes; this would satisfy the PETA people and cut out that middle man as companies that make their cosmetics from taint sweat and toxic waste to sell these trailer park gals for .99 a piece can just cut out the middle man, also a win-win!
Teabaggers, they have so many uses.
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