GINGRICH/EASTER BUNNY 2012  9:49 am April 5, 2010

Newt Gingrich Having Twittergasms Over His Easter Candies

by Ken Layne

Infantile wingnuts find solace in chocolate, Twitter.
Has an infantile Republican has-been ever been so excited about Easter chocolates? Newt Gingrich usually gets his spouse cancer and a divorce for Easter, so he was super excited when his latest wife, “Callista,” got the big fat baby some children’s Easter treats. And this was hardly Newt’s only Twitter paean to candy on the solemn occasion of the Lord’s return from the grave. Three more drooling-for-candies messages preceded this one.

You know who *else* liked Reese's?
[We Are In Agreement via Wonkette operative "Dave C."]

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Hola wonkerados.

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Potater April 5, 2010 at 9:55 am

This had better turn into an inspiring story about free market capitalism or I’m walking.

dum librul April 5, 2010 at 9:57 am

Newt’s twats read like a first grader’s “what I did for Easter” essay, which is a way higher level than Republican talking points normally communicate on.

Katydid April 5, 2010 at 9:58 am

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you’re a fucking retarded asshole has-been who seemingly tweet out his ass and just cannot figure a way to be taken seriously again. Note to Newt: This ain’t it.

V572625694 April 5, 2010 at 9:58 am

This won’t help Newt’s panniculus.

Katydid April 5, 2010 at 9:58 am

And does Harrison Ford know about this?

dum librul April 5, 2010 at 9:59 am

Alternatively, keep your eyes open for internet’s latest viral video, “Two cups, one Newt,” with guest appearance by David Vitter.

queeraselvis v 2.0 April 5, 2010 at 9:59 am

Callista’s logic:

1) Surfeit of Reese’s PB cups
2) Football-sized clot
3) Massive heart attack
4) ?????????

proudgrampa April 5, 2010 at 10:01 am

Why? Just, why?

Is he going to be sharing his TP preference next?

Buzz Feedback April 5, 2010 at 10:01 am

It all looks the same in the diaper, Newt.

joezoo April 5, 2010 at 10:02 am

“I grew up in hummelstown just three miles from hershey…”

[ insert Hershey Highway joke ]

Texan Bulldoggette April 5, 2010 at 10:04 am

Yes, but which Peep animal does he prefer?

PsycGirl April 5, 2010 at 10:06 am

[re=548467]Potater[/re]: I read that as “This had better turn into an inspiring story about free market capitalism or I’m WANKING” at first. I definitely need more coffee.

weejee April 5, 2010 at 10:08 am

[re=548470]V572625694[/re]: That was a subcutaneous snark. Well done.

ManchuCandidate April 5, 2010 at 10:09 am

This the least lame that Newtie’s been for a long time.

That being said, what guy (not even chocoholics I know) obsesses about chocolate? I like Reese’s too, but I don’t write twats about it. Zombie Jeebus rose to heaven for your sins Newty! Where’s the love for all things Jeebus?

Katydid April 5, 2010 at 10:10 am

Next up, a twat from Bill-o: I got a loofah for Easter. How do you work this damn thing? Fuck it, we’ll do it live!

JMP April 5, 2010 at 10:11 am

Judging by the over-excited tone of his messages, I think for Newt the chocolate bunny and Reese’s are code for Oxycontin and meth. Thanks for the thoughtful gifts, Callista!

Hemp Dogbane April 5, 2010 at 10:11 am

“As I grew older the bunnies seemed to grow smaller by comparison.”
Playboy Club TMI

Escape Goat Nation April 5, 2010 at 10:12 am

Here’s an interesting and informative picture of a side by side comparison of Newt Gingrich with Callista and Serena Williams with Common in a beach wear-off.

V572625694 April 5, 2010 at 10:17 am

[re=548494]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: Those wacky folks @TMZ! Hahahaha.

Serena’s thighs are a bit frightening.

Simba B April 5, 2010 at 10:17 am

So it was Newt that crashed Twitter.

mumblyjoe April 5, 2010 at 10:19 am

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the #1 intellectual voice in the modern-day republican party.

ManchuCandidate April 5, 2010 at 10:22 am

[re=548494]Escape Goat Nation[/re]:
What was seen can not be unseen.

thank you for causing my eyeballs to bleed.

bitchincamaro April 5, 2010 at 10:22 am

And by “peanut butter cups” he means “cock”.

Troubledog April 5, 2010 at 10:24 am

Actually I thought Newt’s nostalgic little posts were genuine and charming. I was touched.

bitchincamaro April 5, 2010 at 10:25 am

[re=548482]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Gerbil, silly.

obfuscator April 5, 2010 at 10:27 am

fatfaced middle aged man, pleeeease enlighten us as to your candy preferences!!1!

what a crashing bore newt is. i can’t wait to read about how he hates mondays and long lines at the post office.

queeraselvis v 2.0 April 5, 2010 at 10:29 am

[re=548494]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS.

megs April 5, 2010 at 10:30 am

That’s adorable.

Terry April 5, 2010 at 10:32 am

As much as I dislike Newt and maintain a completely lack of respect for him, those Reese’s eggs are awesome.

Radiotherapy April 5, 2010 at 10:32 am

If only he got this excited about his second wife.

You got chocatholic stupid on my right wing nuttery. You got right wing nuttery on my….

Monsieur Grumpe April 5, 2010 at 10:33 am

Newt for president 2012!


Free Candy!!!!

inedalo April 5, 2010 at 10:34 am

hey newt, tell us more about your “family values” values, and how you cheated on your wife as she struggled with cancer, etc. great guy. one of the biggest fattest hypocrites in modern politics, and arrogant to boot.

TubeCity April 5, 2010 at 10:50 am

“Then I learned big bunnies were way too many calories, so now I get small bunnies, but in large quantities! It works, just like cutting taxes raises revenue!”

RPolanski April 5, 2010 at 10:55 am

New Orleans is a chocolate city, Newt. Why not head down there and eat chocolate to your heart’s content.

smitallica April 5, 2010 at 10:57 am

That’s the thing about these chocolate bunnies, man. I get bigger. They stay the saaaaame size.

Oldskool April 5, 2010 at 11:00 am

Reagan worship doesn’t look any better when you imitate his dementia, Newt.

attorneyatlol April 5, 2010 at 11:05 am

what’s weird is that he doesn’t seem to get that a reese’s egg is just a peanut butter cup in egg shape

Madeline April 5, 2010 at 11:34 am

Kevin from The Office seems to have hijacked Newt’s twitter. “Hijacking Newt’s twitter” sounds kinda dirty. And gross, because it’s Newt.

SayItWithWookies April 5, 2010 at 11:40 am

Dear Newt: Observational humor works best under two conditions — you are observant and you are funny. You might want to stick with oblivious seriousness.

artpepper April 5, 2010 at 11:48 am

But cadbury eggs still beat Reese’s egg. Did kraft buy cadbury?
About 5 hours ago via web

I prefer the solid chocolate bunnies; hollow bunnies also yummy.
About 4 hours ago via web

Hannity is right, Obama is way worse than Stalin and Stalin was pretty bad (read my book!)
About 2 hours ago via web

Chocolate giving me a tummy ache but I can’t stop eating them. Back on diet tomorrow!
About 1 hour ago via web

Koch Fembot April 5, 2010 at 11:50 am

[re=548474]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: We can only hope! I wonder if Drano tastes like candy?

WadISay April 5, 2010 at 11:53 am

Is it just my imagination, or, since Newt became a Catholic have they gotten more rapey?

Maxine of Arc April 5, 2010 at 12:03 pm

[re=548536]attorneyatlol[/re]: I beg to differ! The eggs (and other holiday-specific novelties) are superior to the regular peanut butter cups in every way: the chocolate is softer and less waxy, and there’s a higher ratio of peanut butter.

Mr Blifil April 5, 2010 at 12:05 pm

Why do his reports of his sweet tooth cravings cause me to picture excrement being wriggled around in?

Cicada April 5, 2010 at 12:05 pm

I’m a bit late to the comments because the Peeps sugar coating my fingers interferes with my typing. What’s this about a grown man obsessing over candy? Har har what an idiot.

*wipes caramel smear from cheek*

floatingdock April 5, 2010 at 12:09 pm

and by bunnies I mean dildo.

libwakman April 5, 2010 at 12:12 pm

So sweet of Newties old lady Calligula to stuff his fat ass full of artery blocking goodies. Could she have ulterior motives feeding lard ass lard assed candy?
I can only hope so.
Newt, you are a fuckin’ moran.

obfuscator April 5, 2010 at 12:31 pm

“my cat’s breath smells like cat food.”

“doctor said it wouldn’t bleed so much if I’d keep my finger out of it!”

former house speaker newt wiggum, everyone. *claps sarcastically*

rocktonsammy April 5, 2010 at 12:34 pm

Didn’t he represent Georgia?

Hes a chocolate carpetbagger/dickface.

chaste everywhere April 5, 2010 at 12:35 pm

Newt done confused Reese’s cups with Rhesus monkeys, for whom he saves his wriggliest Easter lovin’.

Darkness April 5, 2010 at 12:36 pm

[re=548498]mumblyjoe[/re]: My first reaction was, oh, well a blathering senile old git can’t possibly win the presidency . . .

sezme April 5, 2010 at 12:39 pm

Why does Newt insist on mocking Trig?

An Outhouse April 5, 2010 at 1:01 pm

Did someone steal his tweeter ma gadget? Somebody named Sarah Palin? Jesus, either that happened or the guy seriously needs a cup of warm milk and to be institutionalized.

mustardman April 5, 2010 at 1:38 pm

This must be Newts coded message to begin the attack on ‘gubmit’!

PlanetWingnuta April 5, 2010 at 1:50 pm

would it be wrong if i asked newt on a tweat if Calista and he visited the hersey highway?

Dean Booth April 5, 2010 at 2:10 pm

“You got tax cuts in my stimulus!”
“You got stimulus in my tax cuts!”
“Do not want!”
“Do not want!”

maven April 5, 2010 at 2:17 pm

“now I get small bunnies”
isn’t that like some kind of republican senator kink?

Potater April 5, 2010 at 2:58 pm

[re=548485]PsycGirl[/re]: Well I’m doing that regardless of Newt’s twattering tales of fancy.

Jim89048 April 5, 2010 at 3:38 pm

As if I didn’t already have enough reasons to boycott Hershey’s. A bunch of years ago they closed down their plant in Oakdale CA, fired all their illegal immigrant employees and moved the plant to Mexico, and took their sweet tax cuts along for the ride.

GollyGeeWilly April 5, 2010 at 4:41 pm

Jesus, he seems like one of the Palin Tards!!!

Jukesgrrl April 5, 2010 at 5:13 pm

Newt got chocolate bunnies ($10/pound), I got Peeps (99 cents/per dozen). Is that trickle-down Easter candy for hobos.

Bearbloke April 5, 2010 at 8:27 pm

I like poop. ppoopy
12:31 PM Apr 4th via web


BerkeleyFarm April 6, 2010 at 1:19 am

Happy Half-Price Chocolate Day, everyone!

I love Reese’s, but Newt and Hershey are both on my personal shitlist. I did learn, thanks to Nigella Lawson and her “Peanut Butter Squares” recipe, that the best way to approximate the Reese’s filling is to mix some butter, some brown sugar, and a whackload of powdered sugar into peanut butter. YUM.

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