During yesterday’s National Day of the Census — do you remember? did you get good presents? — we wondered why so many people (including your editors) didn’t get a census form. How are we supposed to report the eleventeen Mexican-Thai sex slaves living in our basement, so the Government can provide VD clinics for them within walking distance? And how will Obama know where to find us, when it’s time to go to the FEMA “Sandals resort” in West Texas? Today, for the first and possibly last time, a Wonkette letter-writer offers some useful information in the form of a plausible explanation of the Problem! You might learn how to get more Socialisms near your hobo tent, if you know what we mean!
To: tips@wonkette.com
Date: Thu, Apr 1, 2010 at 6:02 PM
Subject: Happy census day, the St. Patrick’s Day of wonkophiles …Meaning, I’m already drunk!
Blame your local Complete Count Committee (COMMIES). It’s the responsibility of these committees, usually with municipal and county staffers involved, to review and, if necessary, challenge the validity of the U.S. Census Bureau’s address list.
There were whole sections of my town missing from the Census’ original address list. If those savvy mofos in city hall hadn’t corrected them, the count in my town would have been totally off (it’s estimated that my county was undercounted by 32 percent in 2000). Another case where this often happens is with university towns. In 2000, census workers responsible for counting those idiots in the dormitories went to the local University’s web-listed address instead of the actual dorms. So instead of finding about 3,000 students, they found about 25 old people (administration), said “eff-this” and left.
Also! Every person not counted means that the municipality and county governments (along with other organizations such as public health, jobs services, etc.) lose out on $823 in federal grants and funding. So tell the dude with two forms to send them both back. It’s free munnies for more Mexican beer. — “PCB.”
Well, that felt good, didn’t it? But, frankly, that’s no way to end a Wonkette Email of the Day. So here’s another one to “cleanse the palate,” with a half-wit ‘n shit sorbet:
From: matthewh___@rcn.com
To: tips@wonkette.com
Date: Thu, Apr 1, 2010 at 8:03 PM
Subject: Vile Hate Site FoundDear Wonkette,
You won’t believe what some nasty little white people are up to. I found a site with a vile, homophobic obscenity in big letters at the top of the home page. And they have a whole page where everyone can get their misogynistic tendencies out. In fact, any kind of puerile name-calling seems to be the order of the day there. Except the page with obsequious devotion to their leader, a guy so dumb he thinks there are 57 states and Austrian is a language. Yet they have the gall to call others “retards!” I guess it takes one to know one.
Check it out: http://wonkette.com/
Oh man can’t wait to check this out, sounds so awesome …. WAIT … that’s … jeez it looks familiar … OH MAN SO P0WNAG3D, that’s our site. Oh man, feel so low now. Jeez, not cool bro, not cool. Especially the “homophobic obscenity.” [Shudder.]
{ 46 comments }
THERE ARE WHITE PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET????
Suck it libs! matthewh___@rcn.com is like the king of the trailer park today!
The word ‘Wonkette’ is a gay slur?
Or is he referring to the request to “Submit a TIP”??
How would I know if I got a census form or not? Anything worth reading / responding to comes through email. Does anything come in the mail anymore other than credit card applications and Victoria’s Secret (hot!) catalogues?
Today we are all vile homophobic obscenities. Except perhaps Bearbloke. Because he is antipodean.
“In fact, any kind of puerile name-calling seems to be the order of the day there.”
O.K., you got a problem with that?
Wow, it’s like a…zinger-free zinger, or…something. Keep trying, bud. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
how is it that there is anything other than this:
http://tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com/2010/04/scar_my_tattered_body_no_more_with_your_punishing.php?ref=fpblg
on Wonkette today? fucking quack
Well gee, now I’m confused. There’s no WAY a teabagger spelled all those big words correctly. Or even figured out how to turn on spell check. But who else BUT a teabagger would get his panties in a bunch of a group of people on teh interwebz while the whole sarcastic point of the website goes right over his head?
Oh lord! Why is it that anyone with a keyboard thinks it acceptable to malign respected media outlets where commonsense commentary can be found…daily?
On that note: After matthewh___@rcn.com fired off that missive, I suspect he high tailed it to the produce section of his local market. Or, he should.
“Grocery List”
1) One large cucumber (make sure to get the roughly textured skin)
2) A tub of Country Crock
3) Remember to save reciept so as to deduct from 2010 taxes.”
Austrian is not a language? Well, fuck me!
[re=547422]el_chupacabra[/re]: Ha.. haha… hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!! What the hell?
ACORN is somehow implicated in this mess, I just know it.
“Puerile name-calling”?
Fucking dick.
[re=547422]el_chupacabra[/re]: “Scar my tattered body no more with your punishing dildo mallet!”
The new Teabagger rallying cry!
[re=547422]el_chupacabra[/re]: Today, we are all obese, heavily tattooed militia members wearing George Bush merkins.
It’s likely that matthewh___@rcn.com yells “NIGGER” from time to time in the privacy of his doublewide whenever he sees Obama on the Foxnews.
You can always tell that the conservative base hemorrhoids of racism are flared up whenever they start calling libtards (the party of kenyans, muslins, thugs) racist. guilty conscious ?? who knows.
[re=547422]el_chupacabra[/re]: OMFG!!!! This is the video of the century !!
“Scar my tattered body no more with your punishing dildo mallet” should become the “All your base are belong to us” of the 2010′s. I hope.
[re=547415]Mild Midwesterner[/re]: I once got 3 Victoria’s Secret catalogs on the same day! I nearly broke my wrist. Seems irresponsible…
Since when is “Edwards” a vile homophobic obscenity?
It’s true: Austrian is not a language. It’s a type of economy.
“I found a site with a vile, homophobic obscenity …”
What words did Matthew search for before he found this site?
Oooh I’m so hurt. Mocking fat whitless dumbfucks is so bad. I feel so ashamed.
[re=547422]el_chupacabra[/re]: From that site, someone posted a myspace where it’s “featured”
http://www.myspace.com/dementincarnate
Now do you see what a steady diet of Faygo, Busch beer, McDonalds, BK, and Chili-cheese fritos do to men?
[re=547422]el_chupacabra[/re]: WTD?
[re=547422]el_chupacabra[/re]: On the plus side, it’s nice to see that SkoalRebel has cleaned up right nicely.
[re=547463]El Pinche[/re]: ..does to men…, that is.
[re=547437]President Beeblebrox[/re]: What other kind of merkin would a real ‘merkin wear?
Thanks for being a place where I can get my vile misogynistic tendencies out. I just hate Mike Hunt.
“Austrian” is a dialect of German, is it not? And a language is just a dialect with an Army and a Navy, so… well, OK, does Austria have a Navy?
No, not it does not.
So, win for the commenter? I guess?
yet more right wingers that dont understand satire
I think it was very considerate of that person to let this vile hate site know that it exists. Excellent tip!
I’d stop namecalling if only I could be as clever as matthewh___@rcn.com.
“There were whole sections of my town missing from the Census’ original address list.”
Weird, isn’t it? Much of the Red States is like that, i.e. lifted way up up up into space by the Rapture, as aided by exploding Nascars. Happens.
That is, unless you are speaking of NOLA. In that case your can blame the George Bush weather unpleasantness of 2005.
@AnnieGetYourFun: Yeah, it’s a bit like saying that Québécois isn’t a language. Technically it’s true, but good luck convincing a Frenchman of it.
Oh, and anyone who thinks that Obama believes there are 57 states really is just retarded.
[re=547477]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Favorite Austrian verb: gestehen (confess).
Here are the questions on my census form:
1. What’s your favorite color?
2. What’s your favorite type of unicorn?
3. What’s your favorite food?
4. What planet to you live on?
5. How many Zorgons do you have living in your house?
6. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
[re=547515]S.Luggo[/re]: Post script: after 1938, but particualrly during the War of Allied Aggression, it was also one of the most used verbs.
And they have a whole page where everyone can get their misogynistic tendencies out.
Dude, all the pages are like that. Did you only even read one?
“Except the page with obsequious devotion to their leader”
I hate Nazis. Especially Illinois Nazis.
After checking my order of the day book, he’s completely right. Puerile name calling is pencilled in for the next two years. I’ll now go exhibit so obsequious devotion and holler obscenities at my unsuspecting neighbors.
My gawd, a lightly moderated political satire website that allows people to post under pseudonyms has some “obscenities” on it? Quick, someone call Faux Nooz with this flash! I’m gobsmacked!
[re=547415]Mild Midwesterner[/re]: This is precicely the rage I felt when I found my phone bill was wayyy overdue, whay didn’t they email me!
Eh. Another bag of hammers mistaking misanthropic for misogynistic. Nothing to see here.
I thought “puerile” was what George W. Bush used on his hands after he touched negro cooties.
[re=547517]thefrontpage[/re]: I’m sending out that census to everyone I know. This way we can track the unicorns keepers.
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