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Lyndon Johnson was actually America’s last great president. (Vietnam? Eh, nobody’s perfect!) We’ll wait another couple of years before we even consider young Barry Obama, who at least is trying to do the kind of Big Fucking Deal stuff last attempted when LBJ sat on his toilet in the oval office and barked orders at his actual servants, the U.S. Senators.

But on this day, Johnson’s mind was elsewhere. On his ass and his belly and his bunghole and lightweight summer slacks, specifically. He didn’t have a whole lot of time to discuss his new summer pants, as he had to “get to a funeral” — Kennedy’s? Which one? — but he just wanted to spend maybe five minutes going over the excruciating details of these pants.

See, this tailor or clothing company made him a couple of pairs of slacks, and they were just the best slacks LBJ ever slid his pasty white slabs of legmeat inside, but he just has a couple of suggestions, as far as the zipper and the pockets and the waist and the cut and the length and really the whole goddamn things, because LBJ gains and loses fifteen pounds a month, for fun, and his pants need to ride with LBJ, but not ride on LBJ, understand? Lyndon B. Johnson’s balls weigh two-hundred pounds a piece and need room to swing, so fix that up and send the new slacks over to the White House, LBJ will put the boy on to get the address for you. UPDATE: Hahaha we just listened to the beginning again, and this is “Mr. Hagger,” as in Hagger Slacks, which is pretty much what every white man in America wore until about 1973. [YouTube via Wonkette operative Brian K.]

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74 COMMENTS

  1. It’s hard to believe LBJ didn’t know about the taint. I’d guess that it wasn’t in the vernacular at the time, but a WWII vet I knew actually introduced the term to me, and his vocabulary pretty much stopped growing after about 1960, so it had to have been in common usage by then.

  2. Oh, my god. We’re talking about old, sad LBJ (I remember the moment in the dorm when my friend Martha came racing down the hall yelling, “Johnson isn’t running again.” And then we were all happy until California’s primary) when Hopey is in Maine, working up a crowd of liberals to such a frenzy they are uncharacteristically looking for pitch forks before the hunt down Olympia Snowe.

    Go Mainers (or whatever the fuck you call yourselves) get Oly! Swen is with you!

  3. I assumed he needed extra room for when he’d demand a handjob from the junior senator at any given meeting but wanted to be discreet about it. As opposed to when he was explaining why we were going to win in Vietnam.

  4. [re=547026]HipHopOpotamus[/re]: That is because he couldn’t life his feet up that high without tipping out of his chair… so, that doesn’t count.

  5. Classic Lyndon. As a Texan, I can tell you we still revere the old coot down here. He was the last of the originals. Hardscrabble upbringing, up through sheer luck, vindictiveness and timing, shouting at people he didn’t like and tremendously thin skinned. Him floating in his pool dictating his memoirs to Doris Kearns Goodwin…that’s a great scene. Lyndon, we hardly knew ye…

  6. From the transcript:

    JH: I think that – didn’t Sam Haggar have some jackets made?

    LBJ: Yeah you sent me some jackets some earlier, but they were way too short.

    Now Lyndon should have known not to ask Sam Hagar in the first place; it’s common knowledge that the original Dave Roth work is far superior.

  7. Still amazes me that LBJ is getting some love for being President. I’ll give him the Civil Rights Act, but the idea that 40 years from now, people may start talking kindly about Bushyt sends shivers up my spine.

  8. This works on so many levels — The slacks: light green, or powder brown “like the powder on a lady’s face,” or blue. A matching shirt and jacket — out of the same fabric! The belch! Give this boy the address! The pocket knife falling out! Gotta go to a funeral! He wants stride in the crotch!

  9. [re=547027]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Maybe not quite common enough for LBJ–he seemed to get it across with “the crotch, down where your nuts hang”

  10. Johnson was a big dandy. It took a lot of care on his part to make his gangly bigness look kinda okay. The man was a big hick. Dressing well (and being a good dancer) was a way to overcome his lack of sophistication in other areas. Imagine if Sarah Palin let on that she was fluent in Spanish and could get all folksy in a Latin-Amer idiom. Kinda like that, but for reals.

  11. Today’s amazing fact about LBJ: he carried a knife at all times and required his clothing to accommodate it.

  12. [re=547042]GOPCrusher[/re]: He gets +100 for Medicare, +100 for Civil Rights Act, +100 for Thurgood Marshall but -301 for Vietnam.

  13. [re=547042]GOPCrusher[/re]: He also gave us the Voting Rights Act, Medicare, Head Start, the Freedom of Information Act (which Moyers said he fought like hell but ultimately signed), and knew when he did it he was giving the south away for decades. More decades than even he imagined.

    Plus, before Ladybird, American highways were so full of billboards you couldn’t see the fucking Rockies for the shit. The way we cleaned up the car after a trip was to open the windows and throw all the shit out before we got home. Wildflowers were nothin’ but weeds.

    The tragedy of Lyndon Johnson is that no president since Roosevelt has done more for this country, yet he is remembered for what is now our second-biggest foreign policy blunder. At least Bush took that claim away from him.

    Can anyone name anything that Bush did that will have any lasting impact–a good impact, not the disastrous one we’re all living–on this country?

  14. [re=547065]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I’ve been hearing this audio bouncing around the internet and radio for weeks. This, if a hoax, is at least not an April Fool’s joke.

  15. [re=547056]DustBowlBlues[/re]: “Can anyone name anything that Bush did that will have any lasting impact–a good impact, not the disastrous one we’re all living–on this country?”

    Although they started before he took office, he’s largely responsible for the sheer magnitude of the careers of Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and Will Ferrell (OK, that last one’s turned mostly to shit lately).

  16. [re=547068]InsidiousTuna[/re]: It’s actually been bouncing around like balls on a bunghole since at least August of 2004, when Political Wire linked to an
    American RadioWorks feature story on the role of the telephone in LBJ’s presidency.

    I’m guessing Ken was still on AOL at the time, and couldn’t figure out how to click the clicky.

  17. OK, well then, this really gives me new insight into Robert Caro’s fourth volume of the LBJ biography, The Tainted Presidency.

  18. [re=547028]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Those two twats were invited but smelled blood (their own) and instead are hunkered down in some logger’s trailer up Wiscasset, or somewheres.

  19. A few things:
    First, Liz Carpenter (RIP) did not write this. Second, I think that I’ve heard this before, maybe at some interactive display at the National Archives. I suppose that might have been some other call, about ‘nam or Civil Rights or some such thing besides seasonal trousers. Third, listening to him talk reminds me of my granddaddy (RIP also), who was also an old coot who needed special pants.

  20. Those were the days. When pants were measured to each individuals crotch. You can never get a good fit buying off the rack.

    And did he say he wanted to powder on a women’s face.

  21. I don’t think this is a hoax, and I don’t believe it’s an unplanned leak. Johnson made that call and chose his words deliberately and he knew it was taped. He wanted people to know, people in the future long after he was dead, that he had a big dick.
    Which means, of course, that he probably didn’t, because he was a filthy, lying son of a bitch whose one saving grace was that he wasn’t actually a racist.
    Exhume the body. History demands it.

  22. [re=547066]Come here a minute[/re]: I like the way he sweet-talked Jackie on the phone in the months and years after the assassination; like a father-daughter thing. The next phone call he was talking nuts and bungholes and switchblades. Amazing.

  23. [re=547037]smellyal8r[/re]: I like to tell my debaters about LBJ’s early exploits as debate coach. Once, when he coached a team to the Texas state finals only to watch them lose, he was so disgusted that he walked out of the room and vomited. It makes me look chill in comparison.

  24. it’s well known that Texas men love their…oh…uh….jeez, I’m out.
    It’s impressive that someone who should have had some serious shit to deal with can spend that much time bitchin’ about his crotch, but he reminds me of Big Fat Bernie Gale in Safe Men

  25. I would have liked to have heard more inventive euphemisms like ‘puckered starfish’, ‘ol brown eye’, or ‘man-pussy’.

  26. “It’s like ridin a wire fence down there.”- LBJ
    “I can’t wear skinny jeans cuz my knots don’t fit.” -Jay Z

    SEE? The Civil Rights Act continues to work its magic. Gone are the days when Southern white men alone reserve the right to brag about their giant nut size. Or go by initials alone.

    PT, motherfuckers.

  27. There’s also audio of LBJ phoning the hairdresser for Lady Bird & the girls. LBJ told him exactly how HE wanted their hair done.

    PS – Husband wants me to tell y’all that he — then a young lad, Jacksonville, Florida airport — shook Vice President Johnson’s hand.

    Fortunately, husband is obsessive about hand-washing so he no longer has the taint.

  28. as a super-liberal native & current Texan, LBJ has a special place in my heart but its not all blind devotion. very conflicted here.

    Pluses: all the great social justice stuff; greatest presidential quote ever “i had more women on accident than he [kennedy] had on purpose.”; smoked like a chimney; incredible at manipulating congress (very important given between 83 men in the senate, they total roughly 14 testicles and 3 brains.); brought Texas (kicking and screaming) into the late 19th century, including planting the seeds for Austin to become the city everyone loves today.

    Negatives: vietnam, even pre-vietnam single-handedly made Brown & Root into the unholy machine it now is; old war hawk at heart; may or may not have been directly involved in killing jfk; super-duper fragile with a gigantic inferiority complex.

    there’ll never be another LBJ: any Texan with his personality traits and his love of war today would be a hardcore republican–except none could be because of his overwhelming competency at getting shit done. he was like batman who loved ladies, good pants, better legislation, but also had a thing for war.

    basically, (1) take all Lyndon’s negatives; (2) make him 40% dumber, 15% more vindictive, & 90% less competent; (3) born into a Connecticut blue-blood family with a Daddy for President and (good Christ) he’s GWB.

    p.s. If this recording is a hoax-and I’m 99% sure its not-its been around for years. After I made all my friends listen to this circa 2005-06, we all thought he described the best pair of pants ever imagined and we all would’ve paid top dollar for them.

  29. [re=547180]Extemporanus[/re]: That, sir, is comment of the day material, right there, an’ I’m not talking seersucker. The punning at your dinner table must leave leave everybody breathless and pained.

  30. [re=547042]GOPCrusher[/re]: Thing is, LBJ was a Democrat with balls (apparently, very large ones), unlike the current leadership crop.

    Hunter S. Thompson wrote something in one of his books about LBJ’s early days, when he was first running for Congress. He was in a tough primary and decided it would be good politics to spread a rumor that his opponent had a penchant for carnal knowledge of his barnyard animals. When his advisors responded that it would be dirty politics, &c. because it was a blatant lie, LBJ replied, “I know, but I want the sumbitch to DENY it.”

    We could use more Democrats like that.

  31. While I can see wanting a little more stride in the crotch, it seems that having your pants, shirt, and jacket all the same color is a bad idea. Wouldn’t he end up looking like a tall Kim Jong Il?

  32. The best LJB conversation is when he calls his barber up and asks for a haircut for Ladybird, then mentions he doesn’t have a lot of money (this was indeed made from the White House).

  33. Didn’t president Johnson used to brag about his Johnson, I didn’t see anything in the transcript about his big 10 inch, however I can relate to issues with the bunghole.

  34. Let’s see who’s funeral could LBJ be going to on Aug. 9, 1964

    Glenn “Fireball” Roberts, biggest NASCAR money winner, dies in crash, July 2 (it’s early, but stock cars!)
    Maurice Thorez, sec-general French communist party, dies at 64 (it’s early, but communist! Bet he knew Ho Chi Minh)
    Jim Reeves, US country singer, dies in air crash at 39, July 31
    Johnny Burnette, rocker, drowns at 30, Aug. 1, 1964 (a great rocker, actually)
    Jack Kirkwood, actor (Fibber McGee & Molly), dies at 69, Aug. 2
    Jose Maria Castro, composer, dies at 71, Aug. 2
    Flannery O’Connor, writer (Good Man is Hard to Find), dies at 39, Aug. 3 (sequel, Crotch Stride is Hard to Find)
    Moa Martinson, writer, dies, Aug. 5
    Art Ross, Canadian hockey player and executive, Aug. 5
    Cedric Hardwicke, actor (Capt Hook-Peter Pan), dies at 71, Aug. 6

    I’m guessing none of the above. Gotta get a better list.

  35. [re=547120]bitchincamaro[/re]: I didn’t get the father-daughter vibe from those conversations. It sounded more like he was flirting with Jackie.

  36. [re=547225]Katydid[/re]: Very carefully. Cats and dolphins have retractable stuff; sometimes, particularly back in 6th-8th grade, I wish we did too.

  37. [re=547057]InsidiousTuna[/re]: And then went on like nothing happened.

    My dad used to fart huge loud juicy ones and we all had to pretend we heard (and smelled) not a thing.

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