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Just keep watching, the payoff is worth it. Will Guam “tip over and capsize” if 8,000 Marines and their families move there? Hmmm, let’s see, just give us a moment to consider the question …. ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE? This is U.S. Representative Hank Johnson, D-Georgia. And there’s a sad reason for his confusion, which will make you sad for laughing. But still!

Oh dear god is he crazy, senile, brain-damaged, or all three? Is this performance art? Ha ha, no of course not, now that this video clip has become God’s real-life April Fools Joke (lol, humans). Now Hank Johnson said he only meant this as, of course, “a metaphor.” A metaphor for being a long-winded idiot, in Congress. Also, congressman, the word you’re looking for is “narrow,” the “narrowest” part of the island, jesus fucking christ.

But maybe there’s a medical issue? Right-wing blog Powerline — there’s a likely defender of a black Democratic congressman! — says Johnson has Hep-C and that causes confusion. Well, that’s sad, and certainly not unique in the Halls of Congress, but maybe the dude needs to take medical leave. [Creative Loafing]

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59 COMMENTS

  1. Not only is he worried that it might “tip over and capsize,” he also can’t multiply 7×12. He said it’s his understanding that the island is 12 miles by 7 miles but he has no idea “how many square miles that is.”

  2. This is why congressional oversight of the military is so important! What kind of admiral or commodore or whatever this guy is doesn’t know, right off the top of his head, the exact dimensions, in statute miles, of every island in the American empire? Hank was right to doubt this guy’s credibility if he doesn’t even know that islands float on the ocean.

  3. No, when you are using a metaphor, or making a joke, there should be some indication in your tone of voice.
    I’m hoping this guy was drunk, or maybe whacked out on medication, because otherwise he’s retarded.

  4. Rep Johnson just has his geology mixed up a little. He has ‘island’ confused with that other type of land formation, the “earth barge”.

  5. [re=546937]gurukalehuru[/re]: I don’t know what kind of medicine you take for dealing with Hepatitis C-induced liver damage, but it’s possible that that could induce hallucinations.

    Also, don’t hate on Hank. He’s my rep, and I can remember Cynthia McKinney. She was crazy. He isn’t. End of story.

  6. Hep-C? Is that some racial reference to the fact that he’s black, so he must love jazz and, therefore, heroin? So he’s a “hep cat” who contracted Hep-C through “needle drugs?” Jazz is the devil shaving his pubes. My keyboard is a shadow pool of liquefied sponge— I can’t be held accountable for the tiny ellipses poking out of my scalp like radar. Gives [sic] me a brake [QED].

    AbstinenceOnly Ed for Congress!

  7. Don’t kick him out of Congress — this is the Democratic Party’s opportunity to actually communicate with the legion of syphilitic insanity across the aisle. Let’s not spoil this chance at actual bipartisanship.

  8. Dude is gowed. Mexican black tar heroin. There I said it. You don’t get the hep c by casual contact or recreational drug use. It is either that or he is on the methadone.

  9. Oh, man, the Power Tools. I had half expected them to pull a Glenn Reynolds and punt with a link and a “hehindeed”, but no, they actually quote some numbnut at the Internet’s high school locker room, Ace of Spades. If they had taken the Instapundit approach, they could have looked totally reasonable and sane, which they’re, you know, not.

  10. [re=546914]Ninong[/re]: Actually, he said it is 24 miles long, 12 miles wide at its widest and 7 miles wide at it’s narrowest, so it isn’t just a rectangle where you multiply length by width to get area. It’s peanut shaped. 210 sq miles for those that are wondering….still not gonna tip over

  11. “My fear is that…is that the island will tip over….”

    It is a testament to our progress as a nation that a Southern black man is able to have luxury fears such as Guam capsizing.

    ….or his brain is rotted and mildewed by a sad disease.

    Yep. The latter is not only true, but much more plausible, in theory.

  12. Ugh. Sorry to be a total wet blanket, but my dad died from Hep C seven years ago (contracted, along with many other vets, from unhygienic conditions in Vietnam) and was very disoriented and confused at the end. It was unspeakably awful, and this video pretty much just ruined my day. I feel for this congressman. Part of what makes it so terrible is that victims of this disease often don’t realize when they’re confused or sound weird, as those around them struggle to figure out what’s going on. Very sad.

  13. Can we get some people in Congress that have atleast a 9th grade understanding of everything? Jebus on a stick these people are dumb. I think the point he was trying to make, if there is one in that Palinesque word salad, is that the 8,000 marines+25,000 family members going to upset the ecology of the island. Which is already under fire from to much human activity on the island as is. Let’s put two fucking thoughts together on paper before we ask questions can we Congressman?

  14. [re=547015]bloatedwhitetruck[/re]: Right. But shit over there was dripping in blood, all the time– theorized as one of the reasons so many Vietnam vets have Hep. C.

    Again, sorry for interjecting the sad into this thread.

  15. [re=546953]Patton[/re]: Ditto. Hank is a very good Congresscritter; actually does constituent service; votes reliably with Hopey, and isn’t stupid/crazy/crooked that it shows. I’m sure he didn’t mean it literally; there’s a big fear among Guamians that the Marines and Navy are going to metaphorically tip the island over by bringing in to many off-island furriners.

  16. I think he was being intellectually dishonest and facetious because it’s not PC to say what he actually meant: Guam doesn’t need 8000 more welfare bunny soldiers raping native children and blowing up dolphins.

  17. This is the real reason the U.S. never developed a full scale colonial project, the rest of the world just looked to unstable to walk on.

  18. Wait a minute, wait a minute, he’s one of ours, so I can spin this. I got it. Long Island, NY, is 118 miles long, and, 23 miles from, uh, ocean to Sound. One hundred million people live there, or so it seems, so there are giant scales under the island, to help balance out the people. There’s a guy standing on the Long Island Expressway halfway to the Hamptons who holds up traffic until another guy at the giant scale gives the all-clear for the east-west people exchange. That’s why it’s so hard to go East on Friday nights in the summer.

    In other words, I got nothin’. Meh, he’s from Georgia.

  19. [re=547012]RealVirginian[/re]: That’s really awful, and I’m sorry that happened to your father and to you and your family.

    Would Johnson be suffering from dementia at this point, though, if he doesn’t look ill? Sorry if that’s an ignorant question; I don’t know anything about hepatitis C.

    And even if Johnson just misspoke, that’s never stopped us before. But if it is from his illness, I take back my snark and apologize again.

  20. [re=547032]RealVirginian[/re]: I’m really sorry. It’s not so funny when you consider that he could be suffering the late effects of a fatal illness. Sort of like how I can’t tolerate Parkinson’s jokes after a brother was diagnosed. I wonder if it’s time for him to take medical leave, however.

  21. [re=546949]southern mark smith[/re]: Exactly right. That cracked me up. Johnson’s capsizing island theory reminded me that I once told the ND legislature that their (Indiana limestone) capital building might melt if they increased the allowable sulphur dioxide emission levels.

  22. [re=547012]RealVirginian[/re]: What [re=547107]Katydid[/re] done did say.

    I think the whole “Right-wing blog Powerline says…” pretty much short-circuited any inclination to snark more informedly about a possible Hep-C angle to Johnson’s ramble, Ken’s tepid hedge notwithstanding.

    I’m pretty sure I’m not alone when I say that I learn from, as much as I laugh at, the demented intelligentsia that frequent any given street corner of a Wonkette comment thread, and that I sincerely appreciate contributions of either regard, yours especially.

    That said, [re=547021]”Hep-C-SPAN”[/re] was kinda funny, right? (No? I’m sorry — I really am trying…)

  23. For some reason, the funniest part of that for me was when the military guy responded with, “We don’t anticipate that happening…”

    What else you gonna say?

  24. Johnson has Hep-C Why doesn’t he keep his pecker in his pants? Or wear a condominium? Then maybe his brain would not have rotted from his horrible old sexually transmitted disease,in which I AM NOT INNARESTED.

  25. You know, when those Marines finally land, and the goddamn island flips ass-over-teakettle, we’re gonna wish we hadn’t been making so much fun of ol’ Hank “Crusty” Johnson here.

  26. [re=547266]Aurelio[/re]: Sorry if I’m not getting the joke, but I know 2 people who’ve had this. One from IV drug use, and the other from a botched blood transfusion during an emergency appendectomy. They both “recovered,” but only after chemo-type treatment.
    (I’m just saying that there are non-pecker related ways to get Hep C.)

  27. Oh sure, play the disease card STOP MAKING FUN OF TRIG. Bwaaaah.

    This man, formerly a judge, currently believes that an island can tip over if too many people stand on it.

    People of Georgia’s 4th, this is your elected representative. Without discussing the moral aspects and transmission vectors of chronic liver disease, do you have any people without mental disabilities that could possibly serve as your government representative?

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