Obama Will Only Ruin the Coasts of Red States

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Haw Haw.
So is there any correlation between today’s presidential announcement about drilling, baby, drilling for oil off these specific sections of America’s Coastlines? Ha ha, well yes, there is. States that voted for John McCain get to enjoy oil spills and coastal devastation. Not that they’re the kind of people who own swimwear or go to beaches or swim or whatever. But what about Virginia? It went Red for Bob McDonnell last November, and McDonnell loves him some oil drillin’! Enjoy that, Virginia!

Environmentalists are appalled, etc., and people with brains know a couple of additional platforms maybe potentially online in the next five or ten years is going to have almost no impact on America’s fuel supply or reliance on foreign oil … especially because environmental groups are going to sue the shit out of the Feds for the next twenty years to stop these new areas from being opened up for offshore exploration and drilling, and by then we will either be a) using other fuels or b) all dead & boiled from Al Gore’s global meltdown. [New York Times]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne


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  • FMA

    “Dead and boiled”? So today, we’re all Irish food. Is that what you’re saying?

  • privatejoker

    Suck it, Texas!

  • Lucidamente

    So according to your map Obama moved his “home state” of Hawaii under Texas. Doesn’t that make him, like, Mexican?

  • Prommie

    The northern boundary for allowing drilling just happens to be the Mason-Dixon line, what a coincidence. “You guys wanna drill? I’ma let you drill, you can drill in Ocracoke, and Hatteras, and Cape Fear, and Myrtle Beach, and, how about Hilton Head, that would be nice, yeah, drill off Hilton Head, and Charlotte, and Savannah, too, why not, go at it, boys.”

    Headline: Obama Proposes Allowing Pigfuckers to Pollute Their Own Damn Beaches If They Love Oil Wells So Fucking Much

  • ManchuCandidate

    It seems that Barr’ys got a bit of a nasty streak. I actually like it (not the actual drilling for limited quantities of oil aspect, but the “fuck you assholes” aspect.)

    I’ts okay to scream about “Drill baby Drill” that when i’ts not your backyard.*

    *decided to punctuate like a Teabagger.

  • bureaucrap

    Vengeance is a dish best served oily.

  • magic titty

    Phew – I thought that was the Al Qaeda Navy.

  • Scarab

    Isn’t that the same map that they used in The Hunt for Red October?

  • TGY

    Needs more AZ drilling. And, I suppose we can drill on the borders of MT and ND for backbacon and Molson.

  • Extemporanus

    Well, I suppose that’s one way to rig an election.

  • DemmeFatale

    [re=545931]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Maybe they’ve (finally!) released Rahm.

  • SayItWithWookies

    “People with brains know a couple of additional platforms maybe potentially online in the next five or ten years is going to have almost no impact on America‚Äôs fuel supply or reliance on foreign oil…”

    How fitting that the only extant examply of Republicans engaged in long-term thinking is caused only by its helping achieve a short-term goal. There oughta be a word for that. Oh wait — I think there is. It starts with an “i” — what is it? Oh yeah — Ioughtashoveyourstupidassesintoadeepdarkholewhereweneverhavetoseeyoueveragain.

  • Mild Midwesterner

    Five drilling platforms might not seem like many, but as you can see from the map each platform is nearly as big as the state of Louisiana.

  • bureaucrap

    And yet, I suspect the political leadership of these states may not regard it as vengeful, except in the attenuated sense that it undercuts GOP leaders’ rhetoric about our “damn hippie tree-hugger” president. On the other hand, it certainly could irritate the environmental folks in those states. Perhaps it’s a signal from WH that he’s already abandoned those states for 2012.

  • Terry

    I would like to point out that that drilling is way to close to Maryland. While we are below the Mason-Dixon Line (the Old Line State, in fact), we’re looked upon as pretty much Commies by the rest of the states below that line. Scoot those rigs down off NC, please. We have enough environmental problems in this region as it is.

  • snideinplainsight

    What about Utah? Could we drill for something there?

  • Scarab

    What the hell is that thing in the middle of Nebraska, an anus?

  • Crank Tango

    [re=545958]snideinplainsight[/re]: I suggest porn. Loads of porn there.

  • widestanceromancer

    Red States lube?

  • friendlynerd

    [re=545961]Scarab[/re]: It’s one of Palin’s crosshatch marks. RELOAD!

  • 4tehlulz


  • Extemporanus

    [re=545955]Terry[/re]: Too late.

    According to Ken’s snazzy graphic, oil exploration at Sandy Point has already begun, though so far they ain’t found shit.

  • V572625694

    Finally gas will be 35 cents a gallon again. I knew Obama would save us from foreign oil! What’s the url for that Hummer dealer again?

  • qwerty42

    [re=545955]Terry[/re]: Just carry on about the “proximity to the Norfolk Naval Yard” and “terrorist oil rigs” and it should go away.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=545968]friendlynerd[/re]: [re=545961]Scarab[/re]: Watch out for “Cornholer Kickback”!

  • arclight


  • GOPCrusher

    I suppose this means a resurrection of the “Obama is no different than Bush” meme.

  • Lucidamente

    [re=545961]Scarab[/re]: [re=545968]friendlynerd[/re]: Maine has one, too. They’re the states that assign their electoral votes proportionally, not winner-take-all (not funny, I know, but the Electoral College never is).

  • FMA

    [re=545961]Scarab[/re]: Funny, I always thought the nation’s asshole was located in Texas.

  • Allyson

    [re=545939]TGY[/re]: “Needs more AZ drilling.”
    Preferably in the Grand Canyon.

  • Terry


    Actually that was my first thought about drilling off the Virginia coast. Oooh, the Navy might have a thing or two to say about that.

  • Flanders

    You guys are killing me on this thread! I have to muffle my laughter so that coworkers can’t hear me laugh; instead they think I’m sobbing quietly and avoid my cube.

  • nosnikreplliw

    Boner is mad because Barry wouldn’t let him drill up the Great Lakes

  • Red Zeppelin

    [re=545961]Scarab[/re]: I thought the whole state was one. Maybe it’s the world’s largest grain elevator or possibly that carhenge thingy. (This is my entire knowledge of Nebraska, even though it a-butts my own).

  • JMP

    This may have been a good idea, though; by offering the Republicans something they’ve said they wanted for a while, Obama’s giving them a test to see if they really are just the knee-jerk obstructionists they seem, and will oppose anything he supports. And the reaction shows that they are!

  • hedgehog

    When it comes to oil, Obama doesn’t see red states or blue states — he just sees black states.

  • PsycGirl

    [re=545949]Mild Midwesterner[/re]: Uh oh, each platform will be demanding to send representatives to Congress within the next 10 years. Damp, oily representatives.

  • Scarab

    [re=545989]Lucidamente[/re]: What? I wasn’t even looking at the map, I was just referring to Omaha.

  • Mad Brahms

    I saw Al Gore’s Global Meltdown at Alpine. They were ok, I guess, but some of the heat felt phoned in.

  • Mr Blifil

    Nice! I want to see some Tea Party Chest Thumping on the subject of Socialist Off Shore Oil Badness.

  • Katydid

    [re=545961]Scarab[/re]: You win and I’m retiring. I just can’t compete with that.

    Tears are literally running down my cheeks from laughing at all of you.

  • L.A.M.F.

    @Lucidamente Thanks for clarifying. I thought Barry was calling ME an asshole. I was kinda pissed..

  • Lazy Media

    [re=545958]snideinplainsight[/re]: The next part of the plan is permanent nuclear-waste-disposal sites. Well, hello, Utah, ain’t you right next to Nevada? Looks like PRIME nuclear-waste-disposal country.

  • Spike

    Nice that offshore drilling is targeted for the most hurricane-prone areas, also.

  • MissyLissa

    But what about Florida! We’re Blue. We have a gay orange Gov.

    This is going to totally ruin the view on the pristine award winning beaches that I never go to even though I live literally 5 minutes from them and actually have to drive past them every day to work but still don’t go because, Jesus, it’s like 1000 degrees out and sand gets all over the place.

  • Mad Brahms

    [re=546046]Lazy Media[/re]: Only problem: they’d just dump on Indian land, naturally.

    I say we just put an oil derrick in every teabaggers back yard. SOME of them have to strike oil, right?

  • PerhapsSo

    I’ve never been so happy that Arizona does not have any coastline, or else we would surely be on the list, too.

  • Lucidamente

    [re=546030]Scarab[/re]: Doesn’t matter. Ohama assigns its assholishness proportionally.

  • WadISay

    [re=545961]Scarab[/re]: I don’t think so. Florida, being penis-shaped, should have one, too.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=545995]Allyson[/re]: Nah. Little brown Hispanicos still hide the canyon after they cross the border to look for them lucrative domestic servant jobs that Americans so crave.

    Drill on the retirement villages that circle Phoenix like flies around a corpse. Without mercy on all Arizonian golf courses too. And on the McCain properties in the south of France, also.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    If Obama really wanted to be taken seriously by the Conservatives, he would find a way to open up drilling off the coast of North Dakota and Montana.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=545931]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Speaking of backyards, Boenher’s proposed American Energy Act (H.R. 6566 of 2008) sez no off-shore drilling in the Great Lakes (except in Canadastan’s part). SF Bay is also off limits (because of possible ghey contamination of the extracted oil).

    Likewise, drilling in Bristol Bay is a no-no. Well golleee, sargeant, I wonder who lives near there?

  • Aquannissiwamissoo

    I’m a true commie tree-hugging environmentalist and I think this is a riot.

    Ken is right, none of this shit will ever get built. Carrot face gets punked again.

  • Lazy Media

    [re=546055]MissyLissa[/re]: Meh. The view is full of big cargo ships going up and down the coast, anyway; a few oil derricks showing up as flyspecks on the horizon isn’t going to make a difference (looking at you, rich Massholes bitching about wind farms).

  • Rush

    What are those blue, nameless places between NY and ME? Liebermanville?

  • JMP

    [re=546083]S.Luggo[/re]: But Bristol’s bay has already been drilled; she’s got the baby to prove it.

  • Katydid

    [re=546055]MissyLissa[/re]: the pristine award winning beaches that I never go to even though I live literally 5 minutes from them…

    4 blocks or GTFO. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

  • robokirk

    [re=546052]Spike[/re]: Bingo. I was just thinking the same thing.

  • sanantonerose

    [re=545924]privatejoker[/re]: We’re already sucking it, thank you very much. Rick Perry…hello?

  • jus_wonderin

    [re=545949]Mild Midwesterner[/re]: “Five drilling platforms might not seem like many, but as you can see from the map each platform is nearly as big as the state of Louisiana.”

    SOL. (Snort out loud) – Gotta get to cleaning my monitor now.

  • libwakman

    Oil in my eyes
    Oil up my ass
    Rethugs could heat the whole country
    With their nasty ass gas
    And other assorted rhyming insults
    Aimed at the batshitcrazy fuckers..

  • Jukesgrrl

    [re=545995]Allyson[/re]: There can’t be any oil in the Grand Canyon. Don’tcha know it was created by Noah’s flood? And dinosaurs, also.

  • schvitzatura

    Brian Moran (D-VA 8th) pretty much said the DoD/Navy would not allow drilling activities close into training areas, as hazards to navigation, off Norfolk and environs.

    So, suck it up Carolinas!

  • windupbird

    I think we should make a real-life Jurassic Park, wait a while for all the dinosaurs to die of natural causes and then wait another 500 million years for the dinosaur parts to turn into Texas tea.

  • knittingbull

    [re=546083]S.Luggo[/re]: Sorry Sluggo-that Bitch endorsed a friggin’ MINE right up on the
    main tributary of Bristol Bay. They promised environmentally responsible mining (impossible
    with a open pit mine), the tailings ponds would massive (and let’s not forget the mine is near
    an active volcano (one of two in the area) and Alaska is extremely active seismically. I think they
    should open a mine on her fucking property in Wasilla (Meth Capital of the World).

  • llibra

    [re=545961]Scarab[/re]: Right you are! It’s the symbol for Ben Nelson.

  • Walter White

    WTF, is it “Morning in America” again?

  • zhubajie

    Bye-bye fishing industry! Bye shrimp and oysters!

  • highway

    wow, dem dar oil drills sure is big.

  • RichardA

    Wow, I’m am so totally nicking that graphic.

  • Oblios Cap

    We’ll get a refresher course on why the North Carolinians are known as “tarheels”.