PAYBACK  3:03 pm March 31, 2010

Obama Will Only Ruin the Coasts of Red States

by Ken Layne

Haw Haw.
So is there any correlation between today’s presidential announcement about drilling, baby, drilling for oil off these specific sections of America’s Coastlines? Ha ha, well yes, there is. States that voted for John McCain get to enjoy oil spills and coastal devastation. Not that they’re the kind of people who own swimwear or go to beaches or swim or whatever. But what about Virginia? It went Red for Bob McDonnell last November, and McDonnell loves him some oil drillin’! Enjoy that, Virginia!

Environmentalists are appalled, etc., and people with brains know a couple of additional platforms maybe potentially online in the next five or ten years is going to have almost no impact on America’s fuel supply or reliance on foreign oil … especially because environmental groups are going to sue the shit out of the Feds for the next twenty years to stop these new areas from being opened up for offshore exploration and drilling, and by then we will either be a) using other fuels or b) all dead & boiled from Al Gore’s global meltdown. [New York Times]

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FMA March 31, 2010 at 3:08 pm

“Dead and boiled”? So today, we’re all Irish food. Is that what you’re saying?

privatejoker March 31, 2010 at 3:10 pm

Suck it, Texas!

Lucidamente March 31, 2010 at 3:11 pm

So according to your map Obama moved his “home state” of Hawaii under Texas. Doesn’t that make him, like, Mexican?

Prommie March 31, 2010 at 3:11 pm

The northern boundary for allowing drilling just happens to be the Mason-Dixon line, what a coincidence. “You guys wanna drill? I’ma let you drill, you can drill in Ocracoke, and Hatteras, and Cape Fear, and Myrtle Beach, and, how about Hilton Head, that would be nice, yeah, drill off Hilton Head, and Charlotte, and Savannah, too, why not, go at it, boys.”

Headline: Obama Proposes Allowing Pigfuckers to Pollute Their Own Damn Beaches If They Love Oil Wells So Fucking Much

ManchuCandidate March 31, 2010 at 3:12 pm

It seems that Barr’ys got a bit of a nasty streak. I actually like it (not the actual drilling for limited quantities of oil aspect, but the “fuck you assholes” aspect.)

I’ts okay to scream about “Drill baby Drill” that when i’ts not your backyard.*

*decided to punctuate like a Teabagger.

bureaucrap March 31, 2010 at 3:13 pm

Vengeance is a dish best served oily.

magic titty March 31, 2010 at 3:13 pm

Phew – I thought that was the Al Qaeda Navy.

Scarab March 31, 2010 at 3:14 pm

Isn’t that the same map that they used in The Hunt for Red October?

TGY March 31, 2010 at 3:15 pm

Needs more AZ drilling. And, I suppose we can drill on the borders of MT and ND for backbacon and Molson.

Extemporanus March 31, 2010 at 3:16 pm

Well, I suppose that’s one way to rig an election.

DemmeFatale March 31, 2010 at 3:16 pm

[re=545931]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Maybe they’ve (finally!) released Rahm.

SayItWithWookies March 31, 2010 at 3:17 pm

“People with brains know a couple of additional platforms maybe potentially online in the next five or ten years is going to have almost no impact on America‚Äôs fuel supply or reliance on foreign oil…”

How fitting that the only extant examply of Republicans engaged in long-term thinking is caused only by its helping achieve a short-term goal. There oughta be a word for that. Oh wait — I think there is. It starts with an “i” — what is it? Oh yeah — Ioughtashoveyourstupidassesintoadeepdarkholewhereweneverhavetoseeyoueveragain.

Mild Midwesterner March 31, 2010 at 3:18 pm

Five drilling platforms might not seem like many, but as you can see from the map each platform is nearly as big as the state of Louisiana.

bureaucrap March 31, 2010 at 3:18 pm

And yet, I suspect the political leadership of these states may not regard it as vengeful, except in the attenuated sense that it undercuts GOP leaders’ rhetoric about our “damn hippie tree-hugger” president. On the other hand, it certainly could irritate the environmental folks in those states. Perhaps it’s a signal from WH that he’s already abandoned those states for 2012.

Terry March 31, 2010 at 3:18 pm

I would like to point out that that drilling is way to close to Maryland. While we are below the Mason-Dixon Line (the Old Line State, in fact), we’re looked upon as pretty much Commies by the rest of the states below that line. Scoot those rigs down off NC, please. We have enough environmental problems in this region as it is.

snideinplainsight March 31, 2010 at 3:21 pm

What about Utah? Could we drill for something there?

Scarab March 31, 2010 at 3:22 pm

What the hell is that thing in the middle of Nebraska, an anus?

Crank Tango March 31, 2010 at 3:22 pm

[re=545958]snideinplainsight[/re]: I suggest porn. Loads of porn there.

widestanceromancer March 31, 2010 at 3:25 pm

Red States lube?

friendlynerd March 31, 2010 at 3:25 pm

[re=545961]Scarab[/re]: It’s one of Palin’s crosshatch marks. RELOAD!

4tehlulz March 31, 2010 at 3:28 pm


Extemporanus March 31, 2010 at 3:29 pm

[re=545955]Terry[/re]: Too late.

According to Ken’s snazzy graphic, oil exploration at Sandy Point has already begun, though so far they ain’t found shit.

V572625694 March 31, 2010 at 3:30 pm

Finally gas will be 35 cents a gallon again. I knew Obama would save us from foreign oil! What’s the url for that Hummer dealer again?

qwerty42 March 31, 2010 at 3:30 pm

[re=545955]Terry[/re]: Just carry on about the “proximity to the Norfolk Naval Yard” and “terrorist oil rigs” and it should go away.

Extemporanus March 31, 2010 at 3:30 pm

[re=545968]friendlynerd[/re]: [re=545961]Scarab[/re]: Watch out for “Cornholer Kickback”!

arclight March 31, 2010 at 3:31 pm


GOPCrusher March 31, 2010 at 3:32 pm

I suppose this means a resurrection of the “Obama is no different than Bush” meme.

Lucidamente March 31, 2010 at 3:34 pm

[re=545961]Scarab[/re]: [re=545968]friendlynerd[/re]: Maine has one, too. They’re the states that assign their electoral votes proportionally, not winner-take-all (not funny, I know, but the Electoral College never is).

FMA March 31, 2010 at 3:36 pm

[re=545961]Scarab[/re]: Funny, I always thought the nation’s asshole was located in Texas.

Allyson March 31, 2010 at 3:38 pm

[re=545939]TGY[/re]: “Needs more AZ drilling.”
Preferably in the Grand Canyon.

Terry March 31, 2010 at 3:43 pm


Actually that was my first thought about drilling off the Virginia coast. Oooh, the Navy might have a thing or two to say about that.

Flanders March 31, 2010 at 3:44 pm

You guys are killing me on this thread! I have to muffle my laughter so that coworkers can’t hear me laugh; instead they think I’m sobbing quietly and avoid my cube.

nosnikreplliw March 31, 2010 at 3:45 pm

Boner is mad because Barry wouldn’t let him drill up the Great Lakes

Red Zeppelin March 31, 2010 at 3:50 pm

[re=545961]Scarab[/re]: I thought the whole state was one. Maybe it’s the world’s largest grain elevator or possibly that carhenge thingy. (This is my entire knowledge of Nebraska, even though it a-butts my own).

JMP March 31, 2010 at 3:53 pm

This may have been a good idea, though; by offering the Republicans something they’ve said they wanted for a while, Obama’s giving them a test to see if they really are just the knee-jerk obstructionists they seem, and will oppose anything he supports. And the reaction shows that they are!

hedgehog March 31, 2010 at 3:54 pm

When it comes to oil, Obama doesn’t see red states or blue states — he just sees black states.

PsycGirl March 31, 2010 at 3:54 pm

[re=545949]Mild Midwesterner[/re]: Uh oh, each platform will be demanding to send representatives to Congress within the next 10 years. Damp, oily representatives.

Scarab March 31, 2010 at 4:00 pm

[re=545989]Lucidamente[/re]: What? I wasn’t even looking at the map, I was just referring to Omaha.

Mad Brahms March 31, 2010 at 4:08 pm

I saw Al Gore’s Global Meltdown at Alpine. They were ok, I guess, but some of the heat felt phoned in.

Mr Blifil March 31, 2010 at 4:08 pm

Nice! I want to see some Tea Party Chest Thumping on the subject of Socialist Off Shore Oil Badness.

Katydid March 31, 2010 at 4:11 pm

[re=545961]Scarab[/re]: You win and I’m retiring. I just can’t compete with that.

Tears are literally running down my cheeks from laughing at all of you.

L.A.M.F. March 31, 2010 at 4:15 pm

@Lucidamente Thanks for clarifying. I thought Barry was calling ME an asshole. I was kinda pissed..

Lazy Media March 31, 2010 at 4:17 pm

[re=545958]snideinplainsight[/re]: The next part of the plan is permanent nuclear-waste-disposal sites. Well, hello, Utah, ain’t you right next to Nevada? Looks like PRIME nuclear-waste-disposal country.

Spike March 31, 2010 at 4:23 pm

Nice that offshore drilling is targeted for the most hurricane-prone areas, also.

MissyLissa March 31, 2010 at 4:24 pm

But what about Florida! We’re Blue. We have a gay orange Gov.

This is going to totally ruin the view on the pristine award winning beaches that I never go to even though I live literally 5 minutes from them and actually have to drive past them every day to work but still don’t go because, Jesus, it’s like 1000 degrees out and sand gets all over the place.

Mad Brahms March 31, 2010 at 4:24 pm

[re=546046]Lazy Media[/re]: Only problem: they’d just dump on Indian land, naturally.

I say we just put an oil derrick in every teabaggers back yard. SOME of them have to strike oil, right?

PerhapsSo March 31, 2010 at 4:27 pm

I’ve never been so happy that Arizona does not have any coastline, or else we would surely be on the list, too.

Lucidamente March 31, 2010 at 4:27 pm

[re=546030]Scarab[/re]: Doesn’t matter. Ohama assigns its assholishness proportionally.

WadISay March 31, 2010 at 4:27 pm

[re=545961]Scarab[/re]: I don’t think so. Florida, being penis-shaped, should have one, too.

S.Luggo March 31, 2010 at 4:30 pm

[re=545995]Allyson[/re]: Nah. Little brown Hispanicos still hide the canyon after they cross the border to look for them lucrative domestic servant jobs that Americans so crave.

Drill on the retirement villages that circle Phoenix like flies around a corpse. Without mercy on all Arizonian golf courses too. And on the McCain properties in the south of France, also.

Lionel Hutz Esq. March 31, 2010 at 4:32 pm

If Obama really wanted to be taken seriously by the Conservatives, he would find a way to open up drilling off the coast of North Dakota and Montana.

S.Luggo March 31, 2010 at 4:39 pm

[re=545931]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Speaking of backyards, Boenher’s proposed American Energy Act (H.R. 6566 of 2008) sez no off-shore drilling in the Great Lakes (except in Canadastan’s part). SF Bay is also off limits (because of possible ghey contamination of the extracted oil).

Likewise, drilling in Bristol Bay is a no-no. Well golleee, sargeant, I wonder who lives near there?

Aquannissiwamissoo March 31, 2010 at 4:45 pm

I’m a true commie tree-hugging environmentalist and I think this is a riot.

Ken is right, none of this shit will ever get built. Carrot face gets punked again.

Lazy Media March 31, 2010 at 4:48 pm

[re=546055]MissyLissa[/re]: Meh. The view is full of big cargo ships going up and down the coast, anyway; a few oil derricks showing up as flyspecks on the horizon isn’t going to make a difference (looking at you, rich Massholes bitching about wind farms).

Rush March 31, 2010 at 4:58 pm

What are those blue, nameless places between NY and ME? Liebermanville?

JMP March 31, 2010 at 5:06 pm

[re=546083]S.Luggo[/re]: But Bristol’s bay has already been drilled; she’s got the baby to prove it.

Katydid March 31, 2010 at 5:29 pm

[re=546055]MissyLissa[/re]: the pristine award winning beaches that I never go to even though I live literally 5 minutes from them…

4 blocks or GTFO. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

robokirk March 31, 2010 at 5:30 pm

[re=546052]Spike[/re]: Bingo. I was just thinking the same thing.

sanantonerose March 31, 2010 at 5:49 pm

[re=545924]privatejoker[/re]: We’re already sucking it, thank you very much. Rick Perry…hello?

jus_wonderin March 31, 2010 at 6:07 pm

[re=545949]Mild Midwesterner[/re]: “Five drilling platforms might not seem like many, but as you can see from the map each platform is nearly as big as the state of Louisiana.”

SOL. (Snort out loud) – Gotta get to cleaning my monitor now.

libwakman March 31, 2010 at 6:52 pm

Oil in my eyes
Oil up my ass
Rethugs could heat the whole country
With their nasty ass gas
And other assorted rhyming insults
Aimed at the batshitcrazy fuckers..

Jukesgrrl March 31, 2010 at 7:25 pm

[re=545995]Allyson[/re]: There can’t be any oil in the Grand Canyon. Don’tcha know it was created by Noah’s flood? And dinosaurs, also.

schvitzatura March 31, 2010 at 8:31 pm

Brian Moran (D-VA 8th) pretty much said the DoD/Navy would not allow drilling activities close into training areas, as hazards to navigation, off Norfolk and environs.

So, suck it up Carolinas!

windupbird March 31, 2010 at 9:51 pm

I think we should make a real-life Jurassic Park, wait a while for all the dinosaurs to die of natural causes and then wait another 500 million years for the dinosaur parts to turn into Texas tea.

knittingbull March 31, 2010 at 10:20 pm

[re=546083]S.Luggo[/re]: Sorry Sluggo-that Bitch endorsed a friggin’ MINE right up on the
main tributary of Bristol Bay. They promised environmentally responsible mining (impossible
with a open pit mine), the tailings ponds would massive (and let’s not forget the mine is near
an active volcano (one of two in the area) and Alaska is extremely active seismically. I think they
should open a mine on her fucking property in Wasilla (Meth Capital of the World).

llibra March 31, 2010 at 10:30 pm

[re=545961]Scarab[/re]: Right you are! It’s the symbol for Ben Nelson.

Walter White March 31, 2010 at 11:01 pm

WTF, is it “Morning in America” again?

zhubajie April 1, 2010 at 6:37 am

Bye-bye fishing industry! Bye shrimp and oysters!

highway April 1, 2010 at 9:15 am

wow, dem dar oil drills sure is big.

RichardA April 1, 2010 at 11:41 am

Wow, I’m am so totally nicking that graphic.

Oblios Cap April 1, 2010 at 11:48 am

We’ll get a refresher course on why the North Carolinians are known as “tarheels”.

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