John Boehner Hates Barack Obama, Because Of Offshore Drilling

by Jim Newell

Tax this manBarack Obama, as always, has tried to extend an Olive Branch to his critics today, by finally letting them drill their fat faces full of oil, all the time, at which point the oil companies will give all Americans tons of oil. (Or they will sell it to higher Chinese bidders on the global market, but hey, same country essentially!…??) What did he get in exchange during these negotiations? Because this is the exact sort of thing a Democrat would use as a bargaining chip with Republicans. Oh, just a nasty letter from John Boehner about how Obama hates America. Everybody wins!

There are not many bigger assholes than John Boehner. Thing is, we all knew that when we woke up this morning.

House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) dismissed the president’s plan as not going far enough in opening up U.S. waters for exploration.

Obama’s decision “continues to defy the will of the American people,” Boehner said in a statement, pointing to the president’s decision to open Atlantic and Gulf of Mexico waters, while leaving Pacific and many Alaskan waters largely closed to exploration.

“It’s long past time for this Administration to stop delaying American energy production off all our shores and start listening to the American people who want an “all of the above” strategy to produce more American energy and create more jobs,” the House GOP leader added. “Republicans are listening to the American people and have proposed a better solution – the American Energy Act – which will lower gas prices, increase American energy production, promote new clean and renewable sources of energy, and encourage greater efficiency and conservation.”

He goes on.

According to a Democratic staffer, though, THIS IS ALL PART OF THE OBAMA PLAN, trying to make Republicans look even crazier, etc. But staking out former Republican positions as the new Democratic center doesn’t seem to have helped Democrats much in the polls in the last year.

[The Hill]

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tonashideska March 31, 2010 at 2:31 pm

If we can just harvest the hot air (and methane) being generated by Bohner then we could solve the energy problem forever.

Hart88 March 31, 2010 at 2:33 pm

Looks like the plan is working

mumblyjoe March 31, 2010 at 2:33 pm

Didn’t help Democrats all that much in the 90′s, either.

The Station Manager March 31, 2010 at 2:35 pm

Obama could literally destroy the entire planet, which is what Boner really wants, of course, and Boner would still shit his pants all the time in protest, because he didn’t destroy the entire planet enough.

Scarab March 31, 2010 at 2:36 pm

Boehner, drilling – there’s a joke in there somewhere.

Extemporanus March 31, 2010 at 2:37 pm

Drill, Boehner, drill for tanning oil!

freakishlystrong March 31, 2010 at 2:39 pm

Boner the Orange should know all about “defying the will of the American People”, he does so every time he opens his pie-hole.

Crank Tango March 31, 2010 at 2:39 pm

I wish Obama was 25% the socialist/democrat they paint him to be.

Troubledog March 31, 2010 at 2:40 pm

Say what you like, Boehner leads by example at sticking to the talking points.

But I guess he didn’t read the cool story this morning on MSNBC about how the most recent rise of oil from $33 to $80 wasn’t caused by demand or market conditions.

It was caused by futures speculators betting on recovery, institutional investors hedging against dollar value loss, and the same fucking parasites that sold me this huge mortgage I can’t afford before packaging it, setting it on fire, and leaving it on Henry Paulson’s lily white porch atop his Masters Of The Universe doormat in the summer of 08.

So, drill all you want, baby.

mookworthjwilson March 31, 2010 at 2:40 pm

What I want to know is when are they going to put that large open air fission pile in West Chester Township, Ohio?

JMP March 31, 2010 at 2:40 pm

So it’s the administration’s duty to listen to the American people who want to drill more offshore wells; presumably then Boehner thinks they should just turn a deaf ear to the American people who think find that to be a bad idea and support getting us off of oil entirely.

SayItWithWookies March 31, 2010 at 2:41 pm

Boehner’s just mad because President Obama still wants cap-and-trade, which violates Boehner’s firmly held principle ™ that instead of paying to clean up our shit and incorporating that cost into the price of energy, we should be treating the rest of the planet like a giant ashtray, as The LORD intended. Acting otherwise would just be displaying a lack of faith in Jesus’ imminent return, which he said would happen some 2,000 years ago.

Serolf Divad March 31, 2010 at 2:41 pm

If Obama himself put a bullet through Osama Bin Ladin’s head live on national TV, then cut out his heart and held it out, still beating, for the Public to see, Boehner would say he didn’t go far enough.

norbizness March 31, 2010 at 2:42 pm

Nothing like triangulating for no good apparent reason. I mean, we all know the oil we’d find could probably provide us with the equivalent of an oily fart in a hurricane. Is the unemployment crisis being fueled by out-of-work geologists?

gurukalehuru March 31, 2010 at 2:42 pm

Oh, that tanning tax? 20%. Fuck you, John Boner.

ella March 31, 2010 at 2:42 pm

Speaking of Republicans and Obama and all that stuff, could we have a caption contest, plz??

magic titty March 31, 2010 at 2:43 pm

“…the American Energy Act – which will lower gas prices, increase American energy production, promote new clean and renewable sources of energy, and encourage greater efficiency and conservation.”

When have Republicans ever wanted any of these things?

Ruhe March 31, 2010 at 2:43 pm

Please, can we just finally take this issue out of their hands? I say give the oil companies access to oil leasing rights on every square inch of seabed we can call our own. To be sure the price should be high and the environmental regulations should be strictly enforced but otherwise let ‘em have at it. And what will happen? Nothing. The fields available under current leases are underdeveloped. Why? Because right now the market wouldn’t support the expense of developing those fields. Let the Oil companies have their leases and everyone wins…production/drilling doesn’t actually increase dramatically and Republicans have to STFU. Democrats, please let your congresspeople know that you’re smart enough to see through all this and you won’t vote them out for being earth-rapers just because they made a smart move to take away one of the Republican’s favorite whipping sticks.

Cape Clod March 31, 2010 at 2:44 pm

Has anyone thought of letting rabbits loose in Boehner’s office in the hopes that they might devour him like a school of piranhas?

The Silver Fox March 31, 2010 at 2:44 pm

Will nothing make this man happy except for cigarettes and tanning beds?!?!

Katydid March 31, 2010 at 2:44 pm

I suppose it would be inappropriate, at this point, for Barry to make a rude gesture at Boner while pretending to unzip the presidential pants saying “Drill this.”

comicbookguy March 31, 2010 at 2:46 pm

[re=545850]mookworthjwilson[/re]: From the looks of Boehner’s skin, they already did.

Obama isn’t listening to the people. Sure, he’s listening to the people who live on the west coast who don’t want offshore drilling, but he isn’t listening to the shouty white southerners. So that’s good, at least. The gulf coast is already covered in tar, so who cares about that. Give baby his bottle.

NotthatLC March 31, 2010 at 2:46 pm

This is ridiculous. You didn’t have to praise him, Boehner, you could have just STFU. That would have made you look a little less ridiculous. Although the tan is a bit of a deal breaker.

mookworthjwilson March 31, 2010 at 2:47 pm

[re=545862]Ruhe[/re]: Hey mr. serious…go ply that trade somewhere else…if you comment doesn’t mention boner’s orangy hue, we don’t want to hear it.

Terry March 31, 2010 at 2:48 pm

[re=545855]Serolf Divad[/re]:

Ain’t that the truth. At least we know that Barry does truly have hope as he keeps expecting the Republicans to eventually try to act in a bipartisan manner.

TGY March 31, 2010 at 2:49 pm

Only drill off the shores of the red states.

Jim Demintia March 31, 2010 at 2:50 pm

Well, I can’t wait to see the loss of wildlife and uglification of the beaches near me, for no fucking reason at all. Maybe there’s even an oil spill in my future! Thanks, Obama administration!

norbizness March 31, 2010 at 2:51 pm

At some point in the distant future, the Democrats’ rallying cry of “We’re only slightly marginally better than the orange-faced shithead reactionaries” is not going to resonate. And by distant future I mean November 2010 or 2012.

JMP March 31, 2010 at 2:52 pm

Besides, why should we worry about developing alternative fuels? There’s plenty of oil and coal for us to use, and always will be, forever and ever! And if it ever does run out, we only have to wait another three hundred million years or so for more recent tree remains to turn into more.

[re=545837]The Station Manager[/re]: To be fair, nothing we humans can do could actually destroy the planet; it’s just the Earth’s capability to sustain life that might be adversely effected.

Hmm, maybe we could send the climate change denialists off to Venus to see what might be coming…

FlownOver March 31, 2010 at 2:52 pm

Boehner’s assholedness increases in direct proportion to Eric Cantor’s on-screen time. Because NOBODY’S gonna out-asshole the head of the Orange Man Group!

jetjaguar March 31, 2010 at 2:52 pm

jedi master, jedi master, jedi master…

Ruhe March 31, 2010 at 2:55 pm

[re=545872]mookworthjwilson[/re]: I’ll have you know my boner flogging credentials are impeccable… and I’ve made fun of the congresscarrot on a few occasions too.

Mr Blifil March 31, 2010 at 2:58 pm

Meanwhile Cheney’s stent is working perfectly.

An Outhouse March 31, 2010 at 3:01 pm

Poor Boner, Obama keeps trying to kill him with love.

SmutBoffin March 31, 2010 at 3:02 pm

Haha. I’m from Dayton so I grew up near/in this dingus’s district. Imagine a Stephen King-like small town inhabited by some evil fucks blown up 100000 times, systematically destroyed by the collapse of Amurrica’s manufacturing base, then injected with a healthy does of racism and stupidity from the South-North flow of people from Kentucky.

This is the environment that Boehner comes from. My parents may have voted for him!

GOPCrusher March 31, 2010 at 3:04 pm

If there truly is a God, the Republiklans and their Teabagging buddies will start shrieking about how socialist off-shore drilling is.

An Outhouse March 31, 2010 at 3:05 pm

[re=545878]TGY[/re]: Once the federal moratorium is lifted, then its up to each state. Floridians are overwhelmingly against screwing with their tourist attraction so Georgia is about the only likely opportunity. Drill, baby, drill.

Ruhe March 31, 2010 at 3:08 pm

[re=545906]SmutBoffin[/re]: What’s weird is that even though we sent you all those hilljack crackers from Newport to work at AK Steel the overall concentration of racist stupidity in northern Kentucky didn’t go down at all.

NotNotLickingToads March 31, 2010 at 3:09 pm

I like this naive assumption that allowing multinational oil companies to drill in and around Merka will somehow result in a boon of cheap oil for Merkins, as opposed to like $0.003 per gallon off due to the demand in China.

GOPCrusher March 31, 2010 at 3:11 pm

[re=545848]Troubledog[/re]: Fuck off-shore drilling and put an end to this energy speculation. That should be the American Energy Act.

Manos: Hands of Fate March 31, 2010 at 3:21 pm

Whacha gonna do about it, cry?

mookworthjwilson March 31, 2010 at 3:22 pm

[re=545890]Ruhe[/re]: OK, good…your fleeting moment of seriousness is forgiven then…

tencentcomic March 31, 2010 at 3:23 pm

[re=545906]SmutBoffin[/re]: I believe the proper term in your neck of the woods for north-bound folks from KY is “briarhoppers.” If you are really from Dayton, then I would have expected you to use that term.

proudgrampa March 31, 2010 at 3:27 pm

Boehner is such a waste of oxygen.

germansteel March 31, 2010 at 3:28 pm

Wait til he sees the oil drilling map that includes Lake Erie.

JooJoo Bee March 31, 2010 at 3:33 pm

I am so fucking tired of John Boner and his ilk telling the world what I — an American people if ever there was one — want/need/demand. Because, you know, my will is never what he sez.

S.Luggo March 31, 2010 at 3:33 pm

[re=545862]Ruhe[/re]: “environmental regulations should be strictly enforced”. Dream on.

From the Repubs’ proposed American Energy Act that Boehner is yipping about:
“Exploration plans shall not be subject to any requirement to prepare an environmental impact statement …”

Bye, bye, Bambi.

S.Luggo March 31, 2010 at 3:38 pm

[re=545896]Mr Blifil[/re]: That’s because insurers allow only old rich white men to receive a functional stent. Everyone else get’s a used Sippee Straw.

thehelveticascenario March 31, 2010 at 3:40 pm

Your three cent titanium tax goes too far! And I say your three cent titanium tax doesn’t go too far enough!

SmutBoffin March 31, 2010 at 3:41 pm

[re=545965]tencentcomic[/re]: I would have said “hilljacks” to refer to KYers like [re=545917]Ruhe[/re], but “briarhoppers” works too. I didn’t say either since I assumed the rest of the commenters here wouldn’t know what the fuck I was talking about.

Pithaughn March 31, 2010 at 3:49 pm

“Republicans will lower gas prices” Excuse Mr. Boner, do you have an example from the last 15 years or so that you are referring too? Oh, and while you’re at it, please provide an unedited transcript of Darth’s closed meetings with oil industry execs. I’m sure that will go a long way towards showing those American people whose side the Republicans are on.

Harvey Birdman March 31, 2010 at 3:51 pm

Message discipline is a bitch.

Pop Socket March 31, 2010 at 3:52 pm

[re=545882]JMP[/re]: More specifically, the ability of the Earth to sustain HUMAN life. The cockroach will always be with us.

Ruhe March 31, 2010 at 3:52 pm

[re=545962]mookworthjwilson[/re]: Thanks. Just to be sure though here’s a joke for you.
John Boehner steps outside of his house in midwinter to have a smoke. He stands in between two snowmen that the kids had made in the yard. One snowman says to the other “hey, do you smell carrots?”

JMP March 31, 2010 at 4:02 pm

[re=546018]Pop Socket[/re]: At first, anyway; but for other life, it depends on how bad it gets. If the Earth gets too hot (or cold – see Mars) for liquid water, then some forms of extremophile bacteria might survive but current multicellular organisms would be doomed.

Monsieur Grumpe March 31, 2010 at 4:04 pm

Please tell me that Mr. Boehner is up for election soon and Jesus is running against him.

S.Luggo March 31, 2010 at 4:09 pm

[re=546018]Pop Socket[/re]: And “Young Eagles”.

Jukesgrrl March 31, 2010 at 4:33 pm

[re=545906]SmutBoffin[/re]: [re=545965]tencentcomic[/re]: [re=546020]Ruhe[/re]: Hilljackers and briarhoppers? That’s pretty colorful. What do yunz call jagoffs?

[re=545872]mookworthjwilson[/re]: Don’t criticize the occasional seriousness! The punditry here is way better than on the Washington Post using one/tenth the words. Plus laughs and Blingees.

SmutBoffin March 31, 2010 at 5:00 pm

[re=546076]Jukesgrrl[/re]: “Marge Schott”s

lochnessmonster March 31, 2010 at 5:47 pm

Whatever is in the orange stuff he puts all over his face must be affecting his brain.

It’s drill baby, drill, until they realize their coast is included and then we’ll see the NIMBY signs.

Wonderman March 31, 2010 at 5:52 pm

Yeah, let’s drive ‘em FURTHER to the right and then we can start banning their books! Oh, wait…

jus_wonderin March 31, 2010 at 6:20 pm

Tan spelled backwards is nat. Just thought I throw that out there. However, nat is the first three letters in the world natural. Now, if we subtract nat from natural we are leave with ural. Ural sounds verrry close to oral. All that remains is to ask if Boehner is double jointed.

Perfectly logical train of thought, if I say so myself.

June Cleaver 2.0 March 31, 2010 at 6:40 pm

The Prez misunderstood Michelle last night. This was NOT what she meant!

June Cleaver 2.0 March 31, 2010 at 6:48 pm

[re=545859]ella[/re]: That picture cracks me up the way the Santorum pic does. It’s so honest! It’s like, “Look at these two dumbskulls trying to write.”

Suds McKenzie March 31, 2010 at 7:01 pm

I wish someone would randomly not shoot at his office building.

larmar March 31, 2010 at 8:24 pm

Let me guess, the “American Energy Act” that Boehner is presenting as an alternate to the President’s plan; involves giving extensive tax cuts to the top 2% of wage earners.

Did I pretty much spell out the Republican plan or what? Hope I didn’t steal Boehner’s thunder. (not)

rpp22 March 31, 2010 at 10:05 pm

I’m just glad wonkette loves that photo of me! Who knew playing a douche for Halloween would get me so far.

Holy Cow!! April 1, 2010 at 12:15 am

Maybe Obama should come out against gay marriage. Republicans would trip over themselves demanding its immediate legalization.

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