CLOSER? That was just Clive Owen showing his vagina to Julia Roberts for like two hours. [NYT]

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  1. Eyes Wide Shut is mind-numbingly retarded. Although I would’ve watched it all the way through if William H. Macy had been in it.

  2. Correction: March 29, 2010

    An earlier version of my comments referred to Rebecca Schoenkopf’s breasts. Ms. Schoenkopf’s breasts are a “extraordinarily impressive,” not simply “Nice. Rack.”

  3. Eyes Wide Shut anagrams to Hussy Tie Weed — ironically enough, since it features Nicole Kidman doing one of the lamest stoner impersonations in modern movie history. Second, though, to Tom Cruise’s lame stoner impersonation.

  4. OK, so OT, but I just have to share. Some afterdouche in my office just dropped the terms “kick out the fucking Mexicans” and “War of Northern Aggression” in the same sentence, with no apparent sense of irony.

  5. [re=543993]sanantonerose[/re]: William H. Macy is on my list of a handful of actors who make bad movies palatable. Others include Roma Maffia, Giancarlo Esposito, Ruby Dee, Ed Harris, and William Mapother.

  6. Don’t feel bad about the confusion. My local video store has about 300 movies with “masked orgy scenes;” I get ’em goofed up all the time.

  7. [re=543989]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: You get to see Nicole Kidman’s boobies & Tom Cruise trying to be taller than 5’2″. As much as I hate to disagree with Jim, it’s not the best way to spend 2.5(excrutiatingly long) hours.

  8. [re=544006]loquaciousmusic[/re]: How about David Strathairn?

    [re=544019]TheWaltonFirm[/re]: No, the 2.5-hr perfume commercial was “The English Patient.”

  9. [re=544027]V572625694[/re]: David Strathairn is a dreamboat. *eyelashes fluttering*

    Eyes Wide Shut is too damn long, Cruise is too short, and all the wimmins is too scrawny. I couldn’t drink enough to make that movie aesthetically appealing on any level. Kubrick can suck my left tit, and you can have the left one, Jim. I get off at 10pm central.

  10. [re=544018]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: I’m with you. I hope Jim doesn’t banhammer us. 95% of what comes out of Hollywood is dreck, As Theodore Sturgeon said, “95% of everything is crap.” But I put up….. with… the…laborious… pacing and..that…… meaningless . . . plot …to just….see…if there …..was a point……..That’s the twist, there is no point.

  11. [re=544033]sanantonerose[/re]: Before dismissing Kubrick in toto, consider “Tunes of Glory.” And by th way, if Jim and Stanley have both your left tits, can I have one or two of the right ones?

  12. [re=544027]V572625694[/re]: Of course. And the one-two-three punch of Kathy Bates, David Strathairn, and Jennifer Jason Leigh made Dolores Claiborne a near pleasure to watch.

  13. LOL, let me just say that not thirty seconds ago I came across this “correction” at the bottom of the New York Times article in question, and my first reaction was “I wonder if Wonkette has something to say about this.” And lo and behold…

  14. [re=544045]V572625694[/re]: I think you mean “Paths of Glory” , “Tunes of Glory” is Ronald Neame with Alec Guinness terribly stiff upper lip etc. Both excellent films though.

  15. [re=544059]Limeylizzie[/re]: [re=544061]Bearbloke[/re]: Right you both are, ye bloody Brits. That movie is only known instance of Kirk Douglas’ irritatingly insane intensity being put to good use.

    Plus: Adolphe Menjou!

  16. [re=544069]Limeylizzie[/re]: “Adolphe Menjou would be a Teabagger, his politics were appalling.”

    Really!? Who knew? But according to Wikipedia, “When he starred in 1923’s A Woman of Paris, he solidified the image of a well-dressed man-about-town. Menjou was famous for wearing fine clothing in many of his films.”

    Isn’t that more important than ratting out his comrades to HUAC?

  17. [re=544075]Wanderlust[/re]: Indeed! – the time wasted on trying to depict Cruise as a hetero would have been put to much better use with A.I…. or flinging dung at passerbys on the streets…

  18. [re=544058]Serolf Divad[/re]: Sheesh, imagine if they had made a mistake about Star Trek or Star Wars, the web as we know it might cease to exist.

  19. [re=544074]V572625694[/re]: He was also part of John Wayne’s gang who were trying to get rid of anything that smacked of Communism in the movies…sound familiar?

  20. [re=544083]Limeylizzie[/re]: Just like ol’ Ned Kelly, and the rest of the Aussie & Kiwi Bushrangers who pas’t the time killing bloody Pom Anglican Govt officials…

  21. “Clive Owen showing his vagina to Julia Roberts for like two hours” is the most accurate description of that POS movie I have ever heard. They showed it on my flight one time and I almost tried to open a window to escape.

  22. If the Times had said Shortbus instead, I might have respected them.

    Well no, not really, as it would have been a ludicrous analogy. But a fun one.

  23. [re=544079]V572625694[/re]: it’s his always saying good morning in the late afternoon that tipped me off. that and his posts often being upside down. and hella gay.

    no offense blokie!

  24. [re=544155]Crank Tango[/re]: We spell it ‘gey’ down here… and I suppose my mentioning the 1st day of autumn last week would really throw you for a spin!

  25. WHOAH HEY, my wife is watching the TeeVee news in the other room and I just heard about members of some Apocalyptic Christian Militia in Michigan being arrested. Where did I last hear about wingnut Michigan militias before…? Oh yeah, that McVeigh guy.

    A bunch of anti-government wingnuts (BUT NOT THE SAME ONES THAT WERE RAIDED!) are having an Open Carry Tea Party at a tax-supported State Park. Um, yay?

  26. [re=544171]President Beeblebrox[/re]: I’m sure they’ll be all trigger happy and nervous as a bag of cats. It would be funny just to throw some firecrackers around. That might cull the herd a little.

  27. [re=544171]President Beeblebrox[/re]: About the “Michigan Militia” – their website has a page for the economy-minded seditious Teabagger Terrorist, called “LOW BUDGET MILITIA”… I wonder how much public assistance ‘welfare’ money has gone into that particular endeavour?

  28. [re=544113]assistant/atlas[/re]: I thought it was Clive Owen and that other guy, taking turns crying cause Julia Roberts picked the other to fuck for the moment and all the crying one could do was watch Natalie Portman strip in a pink wig until Julia got sick of the crybaby she was currently with and switched back to the other crybaby. Again.

  29. [re=544154]Mahousu[/re]: reading through here, I’m wanting a Shortbus reference. And here you are! If anyone wants to open a club inspired by this landmark film, I’ll be there. Extra points for locating in the Mall of America.

  30. [re=544193]Bearbloke[/re]: It always comes down to Skoal, doesn’t it? Where is SkoalRebel when you need him?

    Well, I guess when the Hammer comes down in May 2012 (or will it be March 2011?), all of us gay commie hommersekshual libruals can kiss our asses good-bye, ‘cus the world will be run by good, God-fearin’, tea-baggin’, Skoal-survival-totin’, militia members.


    I am from the Indiana Citizens Volunteer Militia of Miami Co. I thought I had a couple ideas you may like. We take old “Skoal” can, plastic of course, clean them out and make a homemade “survival kit”. Some will have a fishing kit some will have a wire saw, etc. Others will have kindling or a combustible material in it. For the “firestarter” combustible material, we take drier lint out of the clothes drier, which has already had the moisture sucked out of it by the heat, and stuff them in the Skoal cans and seal the lid back on the can with 90MPH tape, and label it. Or the other way would be to take a knife and scrape as much as you can from a magnesium fire starter bar into the can and seal it, so when the time comes you won’t have to spend precious time scraping away when you need fire NOW. We can put several cans in our packs and have very little weight or space taken up by these very important pieces of gear.

    Hope you like! Keep up the good work!


    Maj. John Hilgeman
    Miami County Regimental Co.

  31. [re=544113]assistant/atlas[/re]: Delta did that to me coming back from Paris. My week long hangover wasn’t enough to make that movie watchable.

    [re=544033]sanantonerose[/re]: I’d kind of prefer that Newell flick both my tits.

  32. [re=544061]Bearbloke[/re]: That is an almost perfect movie, can’t I snark it.
    Militia websites are also perfect examples of the preponderance of stupidity. We are so fucked.

  33. And pray, who is this so-called person “us“?

    I must admit to a titillated, sybaritic delight in John Boehner’s NYT epicurean reviews of exclusive, East Village skin foams and the mannish boys who use them.

    Kudos to Boehner’s Times Supplement interview with John McCain about moral albinism and keeping our national political discourse no deeper than the dimple on a Titlest golf ball or Tiger’s marriage vows.

    Finally, there is Boehner’s classic NYT Q&A with Mass. Senator Scott Brown about metro-sexuality and eyeliner. Pulitzer please.

    Yet, you bee-bop, gansta rapper hippies mock the Times.

  34. [re=544226]S.Luggo[/re]: One can still obtain MDA to float around within the castes, how wonderful. Make sure you have supervision, we do not want bad things to happen.

  35. sl. O/T. But I wonder how the interrogation of God/Norm is going. What a scapegoat they pulled. A full-on psychotic. It reminds me of that Sarah Silverman episode with “bomb” in the cop car.

  36. “Virginia Seventh Congressional District Confidential” exceeds that film by a bullet shot into the air.

    Runners up:
    “The Usual Libtard Suspects”
    “The Progressive Candidate”
    “Mister Deeds Goes to Moscow”
    “Flying Down to Kenya”
    “To Kill an Endangered Species”
    “White Like Me”

  37. Don’t forget
    “I, Honkey”
    “Raiders of the Golden Corral”
    “Toothless in Kentucky”

    I predict Steele will step down this week. RNC on black people: “Been there, done that.”

  38. [re=544171]President Beeblebrox[/re]: I was kind of surprised Wonkette hasn’t posted anything on this. It’s been going on since Saturday.

    Anyway, just to show you how crazy this Hutaree cult is, the goddamned Michigan Militia turned them down when they were pleading with them to be protected. Literally, the leader of the Michigan Militia said, and I quote “No thanks.” When you Michigan Militia calls you religious cult, you’re a fucking religious cult. lol

  39. [re=544166]Bearbloke[/re]: Dude, if you are in Bloody Perth can you PLEASE tell me a decent restaurant. The food here is terrible so far (and such massive portions.) (As a further and related aside, man you aussies are chubbies! And this is coming from an American, so red alert on the chubbie front, there, blokes and . . . sheilas, I guess that would be . . .)

  40. Fancy Pants Wonkette culturally references “Norman Leboon Sr.” instead of “Skoal Rebel”.

    Many Thetans lost their lies to bring you this story.

  41. [re=544238]El Pinche[/re]: Katon Dawson, redeemed!

    Would Steele take a caddy job at Forest Lake Country Club, in trade now?

    Bagger Vance in the hizouse!

  42. [re=544257]Darkness[/re]: Try the meat pie floater, then finish it off with a Tim Tam slam. Optionally, spread Vegemite on something and eat it, doesn’t really matter what.

  43. [re=544001]Snarkalicious[/re]: Still OT but you might want to look out the window and see if you are in an area that’s been cordoned off because of the recent zombie infestation. If not, I suggest you flee.

  44. [re=544216]Fly Over Girl[/re]: Flicking is also good! Or hell, just get out the nipple clamps. They have nice adjustable strength ones now. Look like bobby pins. Nice!

  45. [re=544258]Bearbloke[/re]: Thanks. Actually found an acceptable establishment last night, 44 King Street. A bright spot on an otherwise horrific grease stain of a dining scene. If I were here by choice, I’d blame myself, but as it is, I’m just going to bitch.

    On yet a further note: Do not visit Australia if you have any food allergies. No one. And I mean NO ONE knows what the fuck is in the food they are serving. And half the time you ask, the server just gets pissy. That is, after you repeat the question three times, very slowly, because you have left the realm of their restricted grasp of English. The weather is lovely, but that’s the only positive I can come up with about this place.

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