LIES  5:55 pm March 29, 2010

Fancy NYT Has Different Cultural References Than Us Poor Folks

by Jim Newell

CLOSER? That was just Clive Owen showing his vagina to Julia Roberts for like two hours. [NYT]

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Hola wonkerados.

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bitchincamaro March 29, 2010 at 6:03 pm

I thought it was William H. Macy limping around in that Vegas shithole with one of those Baldwins. I is confuse.

Lascauxcaveman March 29, 2010 at 6:04 pm

Ugh, Closer was not my idea of fun.

Eyes Wide Shut any good? Haven’t seen it yet. Kubrick huh, how bad could it be?

sanantonerose March 29, 2010 at 6:06 pm

Eyes Wide Shut is mind-numbingly retarded. Although I would’ve watched it all the way through if William H. Macy had been in it.

Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire March 29, 2010 at 6:07 pm

Correction: March 29, 2010

An earlier version of my comments referred to Rebecca Schoenkopf’s breasts. Ms. Schoenkopf’s breasts are a “extraordinarily impressive,” not simply “Nice. Rack.”

Jim Newell March 29, 2010 at 6:08 pm

[re=543989]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: [re=543993]sanantonerose[/re]: Eyes Wide Shut got much better over time! Seriously.

SayItWithWookies March 29, 2010 at 6:08 pm

Eyes Wide Shut anagrams to Hussy Tie Weed — ironically enough, since it features Nicole Kidman doing one of the lamest stoner impersonations in modern movie history. Second, though, to Tom Cruise’s lame stoner impersonation.

Snarkalicious March 29, 2010 at 6:08 pm

OK, so OT, but I just have to share. Some afterdouche in my office just dropped the terms “kick out the fucking Mexicans” and “War of Northern Aggression” in the same sentence, with no apparent sense of irony.

loquaciousmusic March 29, 2010 at 6:10 pm

[re=543993]sanantonerose[/re]: William H. Macy is on my list of a handful of actors who make bad movies palatable. Others include Roma Maffia, Giancarlo Esposito, Ruby Dee, Ed Harris, and William Mapother.

Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire March 29, 2010 at 6:12 pm

The scene with Sydney Pollack alone justifies the price of admission.

Cogito Ergo Bibo March 29, 2010 at 6:13 pm

And by “Eyes Wide Shut” they actually meant “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.” IfyouknowhatImean.

WadISay March 29, 2010 at 6:14 pm

Don’t feel bad about the confusion. My local video store has about 300 movies with “masked orgy scenes;” I get ‘em goofed up all the time.

Texan Bulldoggette March 29, 2010 at 6:15 pm

[re=543989]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: You get to see Nicole Kidman’s boobies & Tom Cruise trying to be taller than 5’2″. As much as I hate to disagree with Jim, it’s not the best way to spend 2.5(excrutiatingly long) hours.

TheWaltonFirm March 29, 2010 at 6:16 pm

I always thought Closer just felt like a really long perfume commercial

V572625694 March 29, 2010 at 6:22 pm

[re=544006]loquaciousmusic[/re]: How about David Strathairn?

[re=544019]TheWaltonFirm[/re]: No, the 2.5-hr perfume commercial was “The English Patient.”

Judas Peckerwood March 29, 2010 at 6:27 pm

Different cultural references AND the ability to time travel, apparently.

S.Luggo March 29, 2010 at 6:28 pm

El mejor: this jizz-soaked Or-Gee scene from Caligula.

sanantonerose March 29, 2010 at 6:29 pm

[re=544027]V572625694[/re]: David Strathairn is a dreamboat. *eyelashes fluttering*

Eyes Wide Shut is too damn long, Cruise is too short, and all the wimmins is too scrawny. I couldn’t drink enough to make that movie aesthetically appealing on any level. Kubrick can suck my left tit, and you can have the left one, Jim. I get off at 10pm central.

Radiotherapy March 29, 2010 at 6:30 pm

[re=544018]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: I’m with you. I hope Jim doesn’t banhammer us. 95% of what comes out of Hollywood is dreck, As Theodore Sturgeon said, “95% of everything is crap.” But I put up….. with… the…laborious… pacing and..that…… meaningless . . . plot …to just….see…if there …..was a point……..That’s the twist, there is no point.

Lionel Hutz Esq. March 29, 2010 at 6:30 pm

It’s all right, I get all of Kurosawa’s films mixed up too.

Tommmcatt March 29, 2010 at 6:32 pm


Back off! Newell is all mine and you know it.

V572625694 March 29, 2010 at 6:33 pm

[re=544033]sanantonerose[/re]: Before dismissing Kubrick in toto, consider “Tunes of Glory.” And by th way, if Jim and Stanley have both your left tits, can I have one or two of the right ones?

Jukesgrrl March 29, 2010 at 6:37 pm

[re=544001]Snarkalicious[/re]: Geez, where do you work? Inhofe’s office?

loquaciousmusic March 29, 2010 at 6:44 pm

[re=544027]V572625694[/re]: Of course. And the one-two-three punch of Kathy Bates, David Strathairn, and Jennifer Jason Leigh made Dolores Claiborne a near pleasure to watch.

Serolf Divad March 29, 2010 at 6:46 pm

LOL, let me just say that not thirty seconds ago I came across this “correction” at the bottom of the New York Times article in question, and my first reaction was “I wonder if Wonkette has something to say about this.” And lo and behold…

Limeylizzie March 29, 2010 at 6:46 pm

[re=544045]V572625694[/re]: I think you mean “Paths of Glory” , “Tunes of Glory” is Ronald Neame with Alec Guinness terribly stiff upper lip etc. Both excellent films though.

Bearbloke March 29, 2010 at 6:47 pm

[re=544045]V572625694[/re]: Kubrick’s Paths of Glory , perhaps? Tunes of Glory is quite different…

Limeylizzie March 29, 2010 at 6:55 pm

[re=544061]Bearbloke[/re]: Ooh what know-it-alls you and I are.

V572625694 March 29, 2010 at 6:55 pm

[re=544059]Limeylizzie[/re]: [re=544061]Bearbloke[/re]: Right you both are, ye bloody Brits. That movie is only known instance of Kirk Douglas’ irritatingly insane intensity being put to good use.

Plus: Adolphe Menjou!

Limeylizzie March 29, 2010 at 6:59 pm

[re=544067]V572625694[/re]:Adolphe Menjou would be a Teabagger, his politics were appalling.

nelore March 29, 2010 at 7:00 pm

nada on drudge about GOP Strippers but he’s got something on R R RRRickkie Martin being gay.

Cape Clod March 29, 2010 at 7:02 pm

[re=544038]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Especially the ones with Clint Eastwood.

V572625694 March 29, 2010 at 7:03 pm

[re=544069]Limeylizzie[/re]: “Adolphe Menjou would be a Teabagger, his politics were appalling.”

Really!? Who knew? But according to Wikipedia, “When he starred in 1923′s A Woman of Paris, he solidified the image of a well-dressed man-about-town. Menjou was famous for wearing fine clothing in many of his films.”

Isn’t that more important than ratting out his comrades to HUAC?

Wanderlust March 29, 2010 at 7:03 pm

Eyes Wide Shit is what killed Kubrick. It’s that bad.

That ^ is an purposeful typo.

Bearbloke March 29, 2010 at 7:03 pm

[re=544067]V572625694[/re]: I’m NOT a bloody Brit! My people went to the other side of the world to get away from them!

Bearbloke March 29, 2010 at 7:04 pm

[re=544071]nelore[/re]: So Sludge has posted his wish-book, then?

Pithaughn March 29, 2010 at 7:04 pm

[re=544001]Snarkalicious[/re]: Did he use a teleprompter or the hand notes?

V572625694 March 29, 2010 at 7:06 pm

[re=544076]Bearbloke[/re]: So sorry! The “bloke” thing had me fooled, not that that is a difficult thing to do.

Bearbloke March 29, 2010 at 7:07 pm

[re=544075]Wanderlust[/re]: Indeed! – the time wasted on trying to depict Cruise as a hetero would have been put to much better use with A.I…. or flinging dung at passerbys on the streets…

Bearbloke March 29, 2010 at 7:08 pm

[re=544079]V572625694[/re]: As per the Rules of Honour, I now must dispatch a dingo to eat yer baby…

Limeylizzie March 29, 2010 at 7:08 pm

[re=544079]V572625694[/re]: I am though….but Bear Bloke need not fear, I was raised Catholic, I am not of the ruling class.

Hooray For Anything March 29, 2010 at 7:09 pm

Thanks for posting this Wonkette. Hopefully, I’ll still have time to change my Netflix cue.

Lionel Hutz Esq. March 29, 2010 at 7:09 pm

[re=544058]Serolf Divad[/re]: Sheesh, imagine if they had made a mistake about Star Trek or Star Wars, the web as we know it might cease to exist.

Limeylizzie March 29, 2010 at 7:10 pm

[re=544074]V572625694[/re]: He was also part of John Wayne’s gang who were trying to get rid of anything that smacked of Communism in the movies…sound familiar?

Bearbloke March 29, 2010 at 7:12 pm

[re=544083]Limeylizzie[/re]: Just like ol’ Ned Kelly, and the rest of the Aussie & Kiwi Bushrangers who pas’t the time killing bloody Pom Anglican Govt officials…

Speed Ball March 29, 2010 at 7:16 pm

Meanwhile, the password to Michael Steele’s secret sex-bot lounge? Fidelio

Limeylizzie March 29, 2010 at 7:19 pm

[re=544090]Bearbloke[/re]: I hate the fucking Church of England.

Sharkey March 29, 2010 at 7:24 pm

[re=544094]Speed Ball[/re]: Here’s a photo of said lounge.

Lionel Hutz Esq. March 29, 2010 at 7:34 pm

[re=544072]Cape Clod[/re]: I, personally, prefer his later work with Michael J. Fox.

keepinitrealyo March 29, 2010 at 7:40 pm

[re=544061]Bearbloke[/re]: Yeah, who still wants to make fun of the Times now?

assistant/atlas March 29, 2010 at 7:45 pm

“Clive Owen showing his vagina to Julia Roberts for like two hours” is the most accurate description of that POS movie I have ever heard. They showed it on my flight one time and I almost tried to open a window to escape.

Radiotherapy March 29, 2010 at 7:55 pm

[re=544113]assistant/atlas[/re]: Let’s Roll!
Too soon?

ForTheTurnstiles March 29, 2010 at 8:04 pm

[re=544095]Limeylizzie[/re]: Oh, Aqualung!

Jim89048 March 29, 2010 at 8:12 pm

Needs moar Norman Leboon.

obfuscator March 29, 2010 at 8:36 pm

[re=543987]bitchincamaro[/re]: “the cooler”.

Mahousu March 29, 2010 at 8:51 pm

If the Times had said Shortbus instead, I might have respected them.

Well no, not really, as it would have been a ludicrous analogy. But a fun one.

Crank Tango March 29, 2010 at 8:54 pm

[re=544079]V572625694[/re]: it’s his always saying good morning in the late afternoon that tipped me off. that and his posts often being upside down. and hella gay.

no offense blokie!

Bearbloke March 29, 2010 at 9:05 pm

[re=544155]Crank Tango[/re]: We spell it ‘gey’ down here… and I suppose my mentioning the 1st day of autumn last week would really throw you for a spin!

Bearbloke March 29, 2010 at 9:10 pm

[re=544155]Crank Tango[/re]: ¡uǝʞɐʇ ǝɔuǝɟɟo ou – ǝʇɐɯ ‘sǝıɹɹoʍ ou ʇnq

the problem child March 29, 2010 at 9:18 pm

[re=544163]Bearbloke[/re]: I figured it out real early on, since your avatar “flushes” counterclockwise.

stew March 29, 2010 at 9:20 pm

I’ve got lesbians dominatrixes with horse bits on the brain tonight–Thanks GOP!

President Beeblebrox March 29, 2010 at 9:23 pm

WHOAH HEY, my wife is watching the TeeVee news in the other room and I just heard about members of some Apocalyptic Christian Militia in Michigan being arrested. Where did I last hear about wingnut Michigan militias before…? Oh yeah, that McVeigh guy.

A bunch of anti-government wingnuts (BUT NOT THE SAME ONES THAT WERE RAIDED!) are having an Open Carry Tea Party at a tax-supported State Park. Um, yay?

Bearbloke March 29, 2010 at 9:41 pm

[re=544171]President Beeblebrox[/re]:

I heard these silly bastards asked for a ‘public defender’ – isn’t that paid for by the big bad commiefascistmuslinkenyanantichrist gubbmint?

Radiotherapy March 29, 2010 at 10:02 pm

[re=544171]President Beeblebrox[/re]: I’m sure they’ll be all trigger happy and nervous as a bag of cats. It would be funny just to throw some firecrackers around. That might cull the herd a little.

Bearbloke March 29, 2010 at 10:09 pm

[re=544171]President Beeblebrox[/re]: About the “Michigan Militia” – their website has a page for the economy-minded seditious Teabagger Terrorist, called “LOW BUDGET MILITIA”… I wonder how much public assistance ‘welfare’ money has gone into that particular endeavour?

Redhead March 29, 2010 at 10:10 pm

[re=544113]assistant/atlas[/re]: I thought it was Clive Owen and that other guy, taking turns crying cause Julia Roberts picked the other to fuck for the moment and all the crying one could do was watch Natalie Portman strip in a pink wig until Julia got sick of the crybaby she was currently with and switched back to the other crybaby. Again.

Hemp Dogbane March 29, 2010 at 10:10 pm

[re=544154]Mahousu[/re]: reading through here, I’m wanting a Shortbus reference. And here you are! If anyone wants to open a club inspired by this landmark film, I’ll be there. Extra points for locating in the Mall of America.

President Beeblebrox March 29, 2010 at 10:46 pm

[re=544193]Bearbloke[/re]: It always comes down to Skoal, doesn’t it? Where is SkoalRebel when you need him?

Well, I guess when the Hammer comes down in May 2012 (or will it be March 2011?), all of us gay commie hommersekshual libruals can kiss our asses good-bye, ‘cus the world will be run by good, God-fearin’, tea-baggin’, Skoal-survival-totin’, militia members.


I am from the Indiana Citizens Volunteer Militia of Miami Co. I thought I had a couple ideas you may like. We take old “Skoal” can, plastic of course, clean them out and make a homemade “survival kit”. Some will have a fishing kit some will have a wire saw, etc. Others will have kindling or a combustible material in it. For the “firestarter” combustible material, we take drier lint out of the clothes drier, which has already had the moisture sucked out of it by the heat, and stuff them in the Skoal cans and seal the lid back on the can with 90MPH tape, and label it. Or the other way would be to take a knife and scrape as much as you can from a magnesium fire starter bar into the can and seal it, so when the time comes you won’t have to spend precious time scraping away when you need fire NOW. We can put several cans in our packs and have very little weight or space taken up by these very important pieces of gear.

Hope you like! Keep up the good work!


Maj. John Hilgeman
Miami County Regimental Co.

TGY March 29, 2010 at 11:15 pm

Oh, whatever.

Fly Over Girl March 29, 2010 at 11:21 pm

[re=544094]Speed Ball[/re]: I was hoping for Fiorello.

Fly Over Girl March 29, 2010 at 11:24 pm

[re=544113]assistant/atlas[/re]: Delta did that to me coming back from Paris. My week long hangover wasn’t enough to make that movie watchable.

[re=544033]sanantonerose[/re]: I’d kind of prefer that Newell flick both my tits.

TCmac March 29, 2010 at 11:59 pm

[re=544061]Bearbloke[/re]: That is an almost perfect movie, can’t I snark it.
Militia websites are also perfect examples of the preponderance of stupidity. We are so fucked.

S.Luggo March 30, 2010 at 12:32 am

And pray, who is this so-called person “us“?

I must admit to a titillated, sybaritic delight in John Boehner’s NYT epicurean reviews of exclusive, East Village skin foams and the mannish boys who use them.

Kudos to Boehner’s Times Supplement interview with John McCain about moral albinism and keeping our national political discourse no deeper than the dimple on a Titlest golf ball or Tiger’s marriage vows.

Finally, there is Boehner’s classic NYT Q&A with Mass. Senator Scott Brown about metro-sexuality and eyeliner. Pulitzer please.

Yet, you bee-bop, gansta rapper hippies mock the Times.

honkyman March 30, 2010 at 12:34 am

In revenge, Dan sets Anna up for an embarrassing encounter with sex-addicted dermatologist Larry Gray

Jim89048 March 30, 2010 at 12:51 am

[re=544201]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Damned elitist mulisha dudes. I mean, have you priced a can of Skoal lately? Grizzly or GTFO!

TCmac March 30, 2010 at 12:52 am

[re=544226]S.Luggo[/re]: One can still obtain MDA to float around within the castes, how wonderful. Make sure you have supervision, we do not want bad things to happen.

Radiotherapy March 30, 2010 at 12:56 am

sl. O/T. But I wonder how the interrogation of God/Norm is going. What a scapegoat they pulled. A full-on psychotic. It reminds me of that Sarah Silverman episode with “bomb” in the cop car.

S.Luggo March 30, 2010 at 1:29 am

“Virginia Seventh Congressional District Confidential” exceeds that film by a bullet shot into the air.

Runners up:
“The Usual Libtard Suspects”
“The Progressive Candidate”
“Mister Deeds Goes to Moscow”
“Flying Down to Kenya”
“To Kill an Endangered Species”
“White Like Me”

Mr Blifil March 30, 2010 at 2:06 am

[re=544180]Bearbloke[/re]: Better a public defender, I guess, than having to pay some Jew out of pocket.

El Pinche March 30, 2010 at 2:07 am

Don’t forget
“I, Honkey”
“Raiders of the Golden Corral”
“Toothless in Kentucky”

I predict Steele will step down this week. RNC on black people: “Been there, done that.”

Smoke Filled Roommate March 30, 2010 at 2:51 am

Well, Heye! It’s just some punk staffer’s fault, right? Remediation is being implemented. In the paradiggum.

LowerdPeninsula March 30, 2010 at 4:10 am

[re=544171]President Beeblebrox[/re]: I was kind of surprised Wonkette hasn’t posted anything on this. It’s been going on since Saturday.

Anyway, just to show you how crazy this Hutaree cult is, the goddamned Michigan Militia turned them down when they were pleading with them to be protected. Literally, the leader of the Michigan Militia said, and I quote “No thanks.” When you Michigan Militia calls you religious cult, you’re a fucking religious cult. lol

Darkness March 30, 2010 at 4:27 am

[re=544166]Bearbloke[/re]: Dude, if you are in Bloody Perth can you PLEASE tell me a decent restaurant. The food here is terrible so far (and such massive portions.) (As a further and related aside, man you aussies are chubbies! And this is coming from an American, so red alert on the chubbie front, there, blokes and . . . sheilas, I guess that would be . . .)

Bearbloke March 30, 2010 at 4:40 am
Suds McKenzie March 30, 2010 at 6:37 am

Fancy Pants Wonkette culturally references “Norman Leboon Sr.” instead of “Skoal Rebel”.

Many Thetans lost their lies to bring you this story.

schvitzatura March 30, 2010 at 7:00 am

[re=544238]El Pinche[/re]: Katon Dawson, redeemed!

Would Steele take a caddy job at Forest Lake Country Club, in trade now?

Bagger Vance in the hizouse!

TGY March 30, 2010 at 7:05 am

[re=544257]Darkness[/re]: Try the meat pie floater, then finish it off with a Tim Tam slam. Optionally, spread Vegemite on something and eat it, doesn’t really matter what.

Papas got a brand new teabag March 30, 2010 at 7:28 am

Eyes Wide Shut hasn’t gotten this much pop-culture mention since, well, ever!

PlanetWingnuta March 30, 2010 at 8:45 am

[re=544076]Bearbloke[/re]: so you’re a bloody aussie…hmmm accents…

bitchincamaro March 30, 2010 at 9:25 am

[re=544143]obfuscator[/re]: Thank you.

Ducksworthy March 30, 2010 at 9:41 am

[re=544001]Snarkalicious[/re]: Still OT but you might want to look out the window and see if you are in an area that’s been cordoned off because of the recent zombie infestation. If not, I suggest you flee.

chaste everywhere March 30, 2010 at 11:54 am

They made a movie called “Closer” that isn’t about Mariano Rivera? Talk about anti-Latino bias.

sanantonerose March 30, 2010 at 4:46 pm

[re=544216]Fly Over Girl[/re]: Flicking is also good! Or hell, just get out the nipple clamps. They have nice adjustable strength ones now. Look like bobby pins. Nice!

Darkness March 31, 2010 at 5:17 am

[re=544258]Bearbloke[/re]: Thanks. Actually found an acceptable establishment last night, 44 King Street. A bright spot on an otherwise horrific grease stain of a dining scene. If I were here by choice, I’d blame myself, but as it is, I’m just going to bitch.

On yet a further note: Do not visit Australia if you have any food allergies. No one. And I mean NO ONE knows what the fuck is in the food they are serving. And half the time you ask, the server just gets pissy. That is, after you repeat the question three times, very slowly, because you have left the realm of their restricted grasp of English. The weather is lovely, but that’s the only positive I can come up with about this place.

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