DAILY BRIEFING  8:23 am March 26, 2010

Your Famous Blue Raincoat Was Torn At the Shoulder

by Ken Layne

  • Obama went book-shopping in Iowa. And what did he not buy? Mitt Romney’s sexting masterpiece I Am Armageddon. [New York Times]
  • And, because of Socialism, Obama may follow the example of George W. Bush and Bill Clinton by approving a couple of hundred federal appointees while Congress is home for the Easter Bunny. [Miami Herald]
  • Will the Nazi Pope finally fall due to his protection of Pedophile Priests who screw children? [Associated Press]
  • The U.S. Government will destroy a website that releases government secrets. This is all about protecting Liberty. [Gawker]
  • Teabaggers also sent a dirty condom to a Democratic congresswoman who voted for health care reform. Yuck? [CNN]
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Herman the German March 26, 2010 at 8:26 am

And who filled the condom?
The Nazi Pope?

ifthethunderdontgetya" March 26, 2010 at 8:35 am

Good thing it’s Friday.

Otherwise, I’d no longer have the will to live after reading today’s daily briefing.

Naked Bunny with a Whip March 26, 2010 at 8:35 am

Sounds like it’s time for some “shock and awe” in the Vatican.

Naked Bunny with a Whip March 26, 2010 at 8:37 am

The U.S. Government will destroy a website that releases government secrets.

Ah, taking their cue from Apple.

CthuNHu March 26, 2010 at 8:37 am

Today, we are all dir–

No, actually, just the teabaggers.

red sky March 26, 2010 at 8:40 am

Are people actually sitting around thinking the Pope will resign or the Catholic Church will fall over this issue? I find it funny that people try to understand political scandals with the Roman Catholic Church by analysing them in view of modern U.S. political practice (e.g., get caught, apologize and/or resign). They’ve been around for 2000 thousand years and made it through the Dark Ages, Muslims in Spain and the Beatles, it’s going take more than a horrible, horrible sex scandal (and horrible horrible cover up) to bring down the Vatican. More like massive asteroid that removes all life from face of Earth, and you know what? They got tunnels down there in Rome, that might not do it either.

TGY March 26, 2010 at 8:44 am

[re=541155]red sky[/re]: Yeah. It would be slightly different if Popula had actually boffed someone. Maybe.

rachelv March 26, 2010 at 8:45 am

That Minnesota Democrat lady who received the dirty condom looks like the non-crazy Michele Bachman! And she’s from Minnesota!

O_o March 26, 2010 at 8:45 am

Why did the Pope go to Wal-Mart? He heard the boy’s underwear was half-off!

Ahhhhhhh, and I thought those decades-old Michael Jackson jokes would never see light again…

Cogito Ergo Bibo March 26, 2010 at 8:49 am

Oh, thank gawd. The dirty condom wasn’t used. Well, except in the metaphorical sense. According to the letter accompanying the condom (which had merely been removed from its packaging and placed in a plastic bag), the teabaggers kindly informed the nice Congresslady that she had “been dry f***** by the liberal party.” Damn. Hope the filthy libruls at least bought her drinks, first.

Decker March 26, 2010 at 8:51 am

Teabaggers also sent a dirty condom…

What, did they step on it? Or just retrieve it the from the orifice of their beloved farm animal?

TGY March 26, 2010 at 8:52 am

Also, well, every sperm *is* sacred.

freakishlystrong March 26, 2010 at 8:54 am

OT, but still fun!

RICHMOND, Va. — Richmond police say the bullet that hit a window of Republican Virginia Congressman Eric Cantor’s office had been randomly fired skyward.

We shall await with bated breath for him, or the lame ass “media”, to retract his assholishness from yesterday.

coolcatdaddy March 26, 2010 at 8:56 am

Teabaggers also sent a dirty condom …

Did they toast it first?

Will the Nazi Pope finally fall …

Should we send him toast?

Monsieur Grumpe March 26, 2010 at 8:57 am

What does an ex-pope do for a living?

Bad Ideas:
Pope’s Baby Sitting Service
Pope’s Kosher Hot Dogs
Pope’s Planned Parenthood Clinic

Good Ideas:
Pope’s Septic Service

Godless Liberal March 26, 2010 at 8:58 am

You know, the teabagger who sent the condom to stand up for Individual Liberty or whatever bullshit may someday realize that he literally mailed his DNA to the federal government.

Canmon (the Inadequate) March 26, 2010 at 8:59 am

Ken: This is the second time in the past few weeks that you have taken the headline from that same song. Mix it up a bit. ‘Chelsea Hotel #2′ has some good lines.

WadISay March 26, 2010 at 9:00 am

The way I see it, if the Pope really was infallible, he would be picking ponies at Santa Anita or running a hedge fund portfolio.

Monsieur Grumpe March 26, 2010 at 9:02 am

[re=541165]Godless Liberal[/re]:
Also stupid. The post office really gets pissed about people sending flammable stuff like gas soaked flags.

Chernobyl Soup March 26, 2010 at 9:03 am

[re=541155]red sky[/re]: True. But on the bright side, Christopher Hitchens is back on his A-game with his anti-Vatican series.

the problem child March 26, 2010 at 9:03 am

“Betty McCollum you’ve been dry fucked by the liberal party.”

Why does that make it sound like someone got lucky? I wonder if the condom was lube or non.

Lazy Media March 26, 2010 at 9:03 am

So, basically, this lady is the head teabagger.

Marxist-Leninist Papist March 26, 2010 at 9:04 am

[re=541155]red sky[/re]: Thanks for the compliment, freind. Truely, we Catholics are like cochroches and twinkies, we are Armagedden proof. We can take whatever you snarky infidels can dish out. Behold us and tremble, infidel swine !
Though seriouly, what the rat choir master is doing about the sex abuse scandels is shamefull. The laity need to really stand up if the hierarchy is not to destroy itself. God or your chosen non god, save us all

Dashboard_Buddha March 26, 2010 at 9:04 am

I got distracted by the naked pictures of a minor celeb at Gawker…what was that link about again?

Texan Bulldoggette March 26, 2010 at 9:05 am

Here is a NYT article about how a priest molested 200 deaf boys & the good Pope was more concerned with keeping the church’s reputation.


If there is a hell where you burn for eternity, that is too good for these sick, evil men.

Cape Clod March 26, 2010 at 9:06 am

Sounds like the Pope’s legion of albino assassin monks have been falling down on the job of cleaning up the Vatican’s embarrassing messes.

SwanSwanH March 26, 2010 at 9:09 am


proudgrampa March 26, 2010 at 9:12 am

[re=541155]red sky[/re]: Unfortunately, I agree that your analysis is probably correct. Pope ain’t gonna resign and the Church ain’t gonna implode. Until people start to think for themselves, this kinda shit will continue.

ForTheTurnstiles March 26, 2010 at 9:14 am

[re=541174]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Sick. Shit. Sick sick sick.

Dean Booth March 26, 2010 at 9:15 am

[re=541162]freakishlystrong[/re]: But he still got his “both Democrats and Republicans” equivalency in McClatchy this morning. In fact, he was the lead quote. Mission Accomplished.

ForTheTurnstiles March 26, 2010 at 9:15 am

[re=541177]proudgrampa[/re]: It means the Mormons and Jehovahs Witnesses will have another recruitment tool in Latin America. “Promise, we’re not going to rape your disabled orphans.” It’s a legitimate selling point. It’s not a question of anyone leaving religion or even Christianity, what will happen is that more people will abandon the old church for another less pedophilia-friendly one.

Diana Davies March 26, 2010 at 9:15 am

[re=541162]freakishlystrong[/re]: But retracting Cantor’s assholishness isn’t really possible. I don’t think even Keith Olbermann could accomplish that one.

Redhead March 26, 2010 at 9:20 am

I’m kinda surprised teabaggers actually know what condoms are.

thehelveticascenario March 26, 2010 at 9:21 am

Dammit, that bookstore article is incredibly cute. Stop trying to ruin my cynicism, POTUS!

FMA March 26, 2010 at 9:22 am

[re=541181]Diana Davies[/re]: Yes, Cantor was an asshole before this and he will be an asshole long after. It is a defining aspect of his personality.

Guppy06 March 26, 2010 at 9:24 am

[re=541180]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: The Vatican is making the Church of Scientology seem friendly and reasonable.

Cogito Ergo Bibo March 26, 2010 at 9:30 am

[re=541184]FMA[/re]: Weirdly, I knew Cantor due to running a campaign in his district for another office the first time he ran for any office at all. Back when he only had the ability to infuriate those of use in Virginia. He was a nice, normal guy and not anywhere near as conservative as he is now. So you can’t even say he was born an asshole. He became one, because it suited his purposes. And because Virginia clearly can’t have enough politicians embarrassing us.

finallyhappy March 26, 2010 at 9:30 am

How can anyone think the Pope will resign? Besides covering up child rape, he was a member of hitler youth- and he is still head of the “Church”. I knew when we started learning about all the abuse here in America- it would start to be revealed elsewhere. Well, Catholics who still support him- hey, good for you.

JMP March 26, 2010 at 9:34 am

[re=541174]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Old Dante had a good fate for the Popes, along with the other corrupt priests (which appeared to be most of them):

22 Out from the mouth of each hole there emerged
23 a sinner’s feet and so much of his legs
24 up to the thigh; the rest remained within.

25 Both soles of every sinner were on fire;
26 their joints were writhing with such violence,
27 they would have severed withes and ropes of grass.

28 As flame on oily things will only stir
29 along the outer surface, so there, too,
30 that fire made its way from heels to toes.

31 Master, I said, who is that shade who suffers
32 and quivers more than all his other comrades,
33 that sinner who is licked by redder flames?

U[re=541177]proudgrampa[/re]: It’s never going to happen. Really, the most we can hope for is that this will cause more of the sheep to leave the church, and maybe that enough lawsuits might actually dent the Vatican’s vast riches, the one thing the hierarchy cares about even more than oppressing women or raping children. Just make that vile organization more and more irrelevant.

Guppy06 March 26, 2010 at 9:40 am

[re=541174]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]:

“In an interview, Archbishop Weakland said that he recalled a final meeting at the Vatican in May 1998 in which he failed to persuade Cardinal Bertone and other doctrinal officials to grant a canonical trial to defrock (pedophile) Father Murphy. (In 2002, Archbishop Weakland resigned after it became public that he had an affair with a man and used church money to pay him a settlement.)”

For the record: the Mother Church doesn’t like it when you stick it in a consenting, grown man, but unwilling disabled boys are A-OK!

And they wonder why their numbers are dwindling in the developed world?

Mr Blifil March 26, 2010 at 9:50 am

[re=541174]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: If you rape a deaf boy in a soundproof broom closet, does anybody hear?

Guppy06 March 26, 2010 at 9:55 am

[re=541201]Mr Blifil[/re]: It wasn’t a broom closet, it was a confessional. And since the boys were deaf, he wasn’t really molesting them, rather teaching them the ASL version of “Hail Mary.”

Dashboard_Buddha March 26, 2010 at 9:57 am

[re=541187]Cogito Ergo Bibo[/re]: “He became one, because it suited his purposes”

If his purposes were served by being an asshole, I’m afraid he was already one from the get-go

steverino247 March 26, 2010 at 9:58 am

Think of how our Ambassador to the Vatican must feel. The guy’s now the Ambassador to Child Rape. I hope for his sake, he’s had some experience treating sex offenders…


Hmm. Doesn’t look like it, but at least he’s from Minnesota and not Wisconsin.

slithytoves March 26, 2010 at 10:02 am

[re=541191]Guppy06[/re]: I knew Weakland – years ago; what a fine and caring man.

Cape Clod March 26, 2010 at 10:03 am

[re=541162]freakishlystrong[/re]: An it is likely, given how vague Cantor was about the details of this supposed shooting, that he knew all this along when he gave that press conference yesterday.

What Fresh Hell is This? March 26, 2010 at 10:05 am

Every time an unwanted baby is born, a priest licks his lips.

Maybe the anti-abortion (sorry, “pro-life”) protesters will start mixing in photos of priests sodomizing little deaf kids in the rectory. That would give a new edge to their moral certitude.

chaste everywhere March 26, 2010 at 10:06 am

[re=541189]JMP[/re]: Whose translation? Nice!

ella March 26, 2010 at 10:08 am

Benedict’s legacy: rubber-stamping the Vatican version of No Child Left Behind

What Fresh Hell is This? March 26, 2010 at 10:10 am

[re=541224]ella[/re]: That’s “Leave No Child’s Behind.”

Terry March 26, 2010 at 10:10 am

[re=541155]red sky[/re]:

I’ve been amazed at the speculation that Benedict will resign, too. Bishops resign. Priests are removed. Popes stay in office until the croak. Celestine V resigned in 1294 and Gregory XII resigned in 1409. Celestine seemed to want to retire, but you know there had to be more to it than that since he was captured, thrown in prison, and possibly murdered on orders of his successor, Pope Boniface VIII. Gregory XII’s resignation, heck his whole Papacy, was political machinations. He was Pope but there was an Anti-Pope out there and the Cardinals were all conflicted, taking sides, and basically angling for position. Thankfully, when Gregory stepped down, he was clearly NOT murdered by his successor.

On a side note. Oral Roberts, Jim Baker, Jimmy Swaggart, Ted Haggard, Joel Osteen, and the of you guys? You all don’t know HOW to do a good scandal. Beating off in front of a hooker? feh

Ken Layne March 26, 2010 at 10:10 am

[re=541166]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: I will kill you.

Potater March 26, 2010 at 10:16 am

“Teabaggers also sent a dirty condom to a Democratic congresswoman”

This is why abstinence-only sex-ed doesn’t work.

JMP March 26, 2010 at 10:16 am

[re=541180]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Well, certain branches of the Mormons aren’t exactly unfriendly to pedophiles; they just force the children to marry the old men before the rape.

[re=541185]Guppy06[/re]: The thing about Catholicism is that, unlike Scientology or smaller cults, the Church is one of the most powerful organizations in the world, which makes the sheer quantity of harm done enormous.

And yet, people treat the hierarchy as if they are a source of moral authority; even though, even if you ignore the criminal acts, the results of many of their stated moral claims are pure evil; they are directly responsible for much of the spread of AIDS in Africa, for one.

[re=541221]chaste everywhere[/re]: I found the version online; it’s Allen Mandelbaum.

gurukalehuru March 26, 2010 at 10:21 am

The thing that weirds me out about this is it almost undoubtedly has been going on for thousands of years, maybe even predates Christianity, as long as there have been priests and people who believed in them, it’s institutionalsized and that’s why some people become priests. It’s a subculture, deeply entrenched, I do not mean that as a bad pun.
We’re finding out about it now because of the rise of the internet and an increased social acceptance of homosexuality, which makes it possible to communicate about these things.

So, I think those of you who are saying no way the Pope will be forced out are probably right, that’s a hell of a lot of power to give up and he’s not likely to go down without a fight, but there’s a first time for everything and, to borrow a line from Joe Biden, this is a very big fucking deal.

Prommie March 26, 2010 at 10:28 am

[re=541228]Ken Layne[/re]: Will this time come to be known as your “Leonard Cohen Period?”

Prommie March 26, 2010 at 10:29 am

[re=541252]gurukalehuru[/re]: Its been going on as long as there have been boy scouts, too. And as long as there have been greeks. Possibly as long as there have been humans.

Guppy06 March 26, 2010 at 10:30 am

[re=541252]gurukalehuru[/re]: “The thing that weirds me out about this is it almost undoubtedly has been going on for thousands of years, maybe even predates Christianity, as long as there have been priests and people who believed in them”

So… time to back to having temple prostitutes?

JMP March 26, 2010 at 10:40 am

[re=541268]Guppy06[/re]: Yes, please. Those pagan religions were a hell of a lot more fun than Christianity; it’s a shame that Constantine had to ruin everything.

Berkeley Bear March 26, 2010 at 11:01 am

Glad someone cracked out the Dante before me. Seriously, folks, NAMBLA’s got nothing on the Vatican – man on boy, man on man and man on farm animal problems have plagued Christianity for a long time, as Dante (and St. Augustine for that matter) made clear. These issues only got worse once the pesky Benedictines and others in the 11th century or so started insisting that no one could be a priest/bishop/Pope and have a wife/mistress/concubine to bang and pop out bastards with. Don’t underestimate horniness as one of the major causes of the Reformation – once excommunicated, Martin Luther married an ex-nun and started popping out little proto-Nazis like crazy. Only the folks not interested in procreation, who’d rather be surrounded by young men all day and can honestly say they aren’t tempted to sex in the narrow legal sense of penis and vagina interaction, remained eligible to be priests/bishops/Popes. Given those odds, the only surprise is that boy love isn’t a mandatory prerequisite to graduating from Catholic seminaries – at least as far as we know.

Berkeley Bear March 26, 2010 at 11:07 am

[re=541266]Prommie[/re]: Yeah, I just had the pleasure of discussing equal rights for gay folks in a con law class here in the midwest. Had to break it to the group (fortunately under 10 or the resulting mob might have killed me) that “traditional” sexuality and marriage is whatever you think it is, since we know gay sex goes back to the dawn of time, gay teachers go back to at least Socrates, incest was the preferred policy of many ancient cultures (especially among royals), that the Spartans thought gay soldiers were better battle buddies than straights (at least until they could marry), that the Hopi recognized at least 5 genders (as do some modern cultures in places like Indonesia), that monogamy was considered one of the things that made Jews weird back when the Old Testament was being written, etc.

obfuscator March 26, 2010 at 11:20 am

anyone else glad the teabaggers are using condoms?

JMP March 26, 2010 at 11:37 am

[re=541344]Berkeley Bear[/re]: One thing that I’ve found works to confuse anti-marriage bigots is to remind them that in the earliest parts of the Bible, marriage is defined as being between one man and many women; yes, the definition has changed over time.

El Pinche March 26, 2010 at 11:40 am

Oh comeon Ken!!

This picture from the NYT articles deserves its own thread:


God almighty I almost pooped my pants in delight. Obama’s face is priceless.

sati demise March 26, 2010 at 11:51 am

[re=541172]Marxist-Leninist Papist[/re]: Armagedden proof maybe, but bankruptcy proof? I hear billions of dollars are being shoveled out of the Vatican vaults.

Cranky Little Camperette March 26, 2010 at 12:02 pm

The Catholic Church has insisted on it’s role to be the sole moderator for sex for its membership and it defines sex solely as between marrieds with the chance for procreation (so even if you’re married, if you dig oral or anal, sorry, you are One Bad Catholic). The “modern” Church’s refusal to deal with anything but boy-on-girl, baby-makin’ sex (as proscribed by a bunch of old, supposedly-chaste men, that is) has ossified it in a unyielding state and the current Pope (and the previous one, too) has basically said that if you don’t like it, GTFO. And they wonder why people (and their checkbooks) are leaving in droves…

GOPCrusher March 26, 2010 at 12:05 pm

[re=541381]obfuscator[/re]: Only if they are used for the right purpose.

chaste everywhere March 26, 2010 at 12:25 pm

[re=541241]JMP[/re]: Thanks, JMP. I used to have his translation of The Aeneid (gosh, I AM an intellectual, amn’t I?)

ThePerfesser March 26, 2010 at 12:43 pm

In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Santi, you covered up the rapes of disabled children.
Well, Ratzinger, it’s time time to ask yourself if the old “WWJD,” or however you say it in ex-Nazi speak.

Jesus would probably throw your sorry ass out of the temple. After bitch-slapping you. And kicking you in the balls. Also.

Extemporanus March 26, 2010 at 2:27 pm

[re=541166]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: [re=541228]Ken Layne[/re]: C’mon, Canmon.

Considering what was sent to the congresswoman, I found the “famous blue raincoat” line rather apropos.

Though I suppose “giving me head on the unmade bed, while the limousines wait in the street would’ve worked as well…

OldGrowthSwamp March 26, 2010 at 2:46 pm

[re=541177]proudgrampa[/re]: Holy F#@k.

doloras March 26, 2010 at 4:56 pm

Not to get in the way of a good old anti-Catholic lynch-mob, but I don’t see why people think abolishing priestly celibacy will cut out the child-rapers. Surely the last thing a child-raper wants to do is get married? There’s no celibacy requirement for boy-scout leaders or softball coaches, and plenty of the ol’ rapin’ goes on in those circles as well.

No, the best way to stop child-raping is to stop teaching kids that their genitals are a shameful area which must never be talked about. The #1 weapon of the child-raper is: “If you tell anyone you’ll get into trouble”. That’s the problem, not the Catholic Church which survived the Reformation, the Borgia popes and the Italian conquest of Rome in 1860.

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