email of the day

Is Something Magical Happening On March 25, 2011?

'I'm a normal obese teabagger living in my car and I never thought this would happen to me, but Sarah Palin gave me a reach-around.'Whoa hey when’s that Mayan Apocalypse thing, anyway? Is that what this nice lady is talking about? Because we’re pretty sure the election is in November, of this year, seven months from now. And if any Teabaggers magically win seats in Congress, they’ll be sworn in and just cold repealin’ everything to each other long before Spring of 2011. Man now we are just confused and maybe a little scared, of the Mayans.

We’ve met Mayans, mostly down on the Costa Maya in Quintana Roo, where they mostly owned small restaurants or worked as diving instructors or archeological-site guides. Not really that scary! But who knows, man, who knows ….

From: Susan B_____
To: ken@wonkette.com
Date: Thu, Mar 25, 2010 at 1:06 PM

You people are the assholes – a year from now you’ll find out.

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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119 comments

  1. Troubledog

    Holy shit, does it take a year to collect that much anhydrous ammonia?

    Also, Susan,

    /loosens cravat provocatively

    what are you wearing?

  2. jodyleek

    Susan B a bitch.

    “You people are the assholes.” No, you are the asshole – no back-sies.

    “A year from now you’ll find out.” Is that when daddy gets home?

  3. Larry McAwful

    Yeah, we need her last name. Then someone can post her address, and we can go firebomb her house, because the only true believers in democracy, America’s conservatives, know that that’s how democracy works.

  4. JMP

    Appropriate responses to Susan are “I know you are, but what am I?” or “I’m rubber and you’re glue; whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you.” This is the mentality we’re dealing with.

  5. WhatTheHeck

    I’m an asshole. But I’m safe, cause no one will know for a whole year.
    I’ve got a year to asshole around.

  6. maven

    “a year from now you’ll find out.”

    That’s because that’s when them old teabaggers with their guns and clever placards will be rounding up all subversive liberal elements and placing them in detention camps to protect “liberty”.

  7. user-of-owls

    [re=540678]chascates[/re]:
    They are mixing up another round of brightly colored margaritas for bellowing ludicrous gringos in a Jimmy Buffett theme bar.

    They are also saying to each other, “Have you ever seen a bigger bunch of fat assholes?”
    In K’iche, Tzotzil or Mam.

    Just look at my avatar.

  8. ella

    A year from now? Srsly, Susan? I’m struggling with waiting a week or two to see who wins Shear Genius. And I don’t even like those people.

  9. Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=540697]betterDeadThanRed[/re]: Yeah, she must have been Googling ‘Cantor’ and ‘asshole’—I have a feeling we’ll be getting a lot more visitors, but mostly men based on that particular search.

  10. sati demise

    My Aztec dog, Moche, approves this message.
    According to Moche, all assholes smell better than roses.

  11. Cornhusker Kickback

    Can Wonkett please ask Ms. B ______ if there will be shrimp nuggets in the future also?

  12. Extemporanus

    The “Mayan Apocalypse” is a redskinned herring, Ken — your friend Susan B. is obviously making a veiled, violent reference to “Greatest Generation” war patriot Julius Caesar.

    From Wikipedophilia, we learn that March 25 was the “historic start of the new year (Lady Day) in England, Wales, Ireland, and the future United States until the adoption of the Gregorian Calendar in 1752. (The year 1751 began on 25 March; the year 1752 began on 1 January.)”

    Pope Gregory XIII was an asshole.

  13. McDuff

    Somebody check Obama’s calendar and see if he’s gonna be outdoors at anytime on March 25, 2011. If so, maybe Mrs. Hopey could keep him and the kids indoors that day, maybe picking out new drapes for the private quarters or have Rahm challenge him to all-day chess match.

  14. user-of-owls

    [re=540713]SmutBoffin[/re]: Google my name, but make it plural (users)…that’ll give you a hint.

    Popol Vuh to you too!

  15. snideinplainsight

    It is reckless to use these incidents as media vehicles for political gain. It’s the Wonkette editors who are dangerously fanning the flames by suggesting that these incidents be used as a political weapon.

  16. Marxist-Leninist Papist

    Wait, OMG, have they set a date ? Sweet Jesus, boys we need get out of here now ! Get on our knees and repent, fellow sinners, real America is arising from its alcohol+meth filled daze !

  17. user-of-owls

    [re=540717]Extemporanus[/re]:

    Pshaw.

    What about Pope Gregory XI? He was so fat he got stuck in the papal bath tub!

  18. Extemporanus

    [re=540720]user-of-owls[/re]: [re=540713]SmutBoffin[/re]: Huh. I always thought it was a detail from the eyepatch-wearing, muttonchop-sporting Shroud of Hendrix.

  19. Chickensmack

    [re=540680]Troubledog[/re]: You’ll be accused of attempted internet rape.

    [re=540684]MMS[/re]: No, we don’t. Unless Wonkette has windows… then, yes. Name, please.

  20. St.SarahOfThePerpetuallyOffended

    She’s a Harold Camping follower (Family Radio), and they are posting their doomsday prediction EVERYWHERE! They are predicting that God will “take up” all the TRUE believers (the followers of Harold Camping) on May 21, 2011, and then destroy the earth on October 21, 2011.

    I have a good friend caught up in this cult.

  21. dijetlo

    I tend to see us as more of a 5th column of furry-yiffing, trans-gendered subversives bent on giving Lady Liberty the clap. So with that in mind, “asshole” is more than a little disappointing.
    Perhaps we should all dress up in period costume and wave mis-pelled, mildly racist signs at the television cameras (in our obligatory anthropomorphic finery, of course).
    Perhaps then we’ll be taken seriously.

  22. St.SarahOfThePerpetuallyOffended

    I forgot to mention: They ALL seem to follow Glenn Beck. And the teabaggers.

  23. chascates

    [re=540741]St.SarahOfThePerpetuallyOffended[/re]: So we get 5 months without these people before the end comes? Sounds fair.

  24. Ducksworthy

    St.Sarah

    Thank you lord Jeebus but I don’t know if I can put up with the assholes until May of next year. Can’t you start taking them up to heaven a few at a time. We’ll even castrate them if that will speed things up. An please make an exception for certain of our Joosish brethren who as so sorry for killing you that they’ve joined the GOP. Surely that’s penance enough for you to make an exception.

  25. Tommmcatt

    I have been fully aware that I am an asshole for my entire life. One year is not going to make any difference.

  26. Dr. Spaceman

    You know, the descendents of the Mayans down in Mexico don’t really believe this 2012 crap. But they nod and go along for the tourist dollars. White people being played.

  27. Marxist-Leninist Papist

    [re=540741]St.SarahOfThePerpetuallyOffended[/re]: The greatest argument against Christianity is the Christians. Just so, the greatest argument against Socialism is the Socialists. For better or worse thought, neither of those lines of reasoning have much force with me.

  28. TGY

    [re=540711]Quatchi[/re]: You’re thinking of Marcus B. Anthony. Caesar put his head on a rarely-used coin. It was messy.

  29. tencentcomic

    You know what little miss Suzie B wanted? A big giant list of you librul commenters to this commie posting written by that mean old Mr. Ken. Fortunately, tiny Sue will now have something to do tracking down all of you assholes, perverts and closet Democruds. Watch your backs ladies and gentlemen, the Conservo-nator Susan B is on the prowl.

  30. slappypaddy

    [re=540691]FMA[/re]: “Do we have to wait a year to find out that we’re assholes?”

    not me. i found out a long time ago. one of my ex-wives, i forget which one, was fond of pointing it out to me. ever since, i have worn my assholedom proudly. gotta go with my strengths.

  31. St.SarahOfThePerpetuallyOffended

    [re=540757]Ducksworthy[/re]: I don’t think the Camping followers plan to let me, a heathen, anywhere near Heaven.

  32. Monsieur Grumpe

    “You people are THE assholes”
    That’s more than just an asshole.

    *hitches up his suspenders and swells with pride*

  33. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=540741]St.SarahOfThePerpetuallyOffended[/re]: You know WHO ELSE had true believers?

    (Pretty sure I’m the only commenter here who hasn’t used that meme yet. Now I can’t wait to use the one with “Today we are all…”)

  34. Godot

    Whoa Susan B. Anthony called you guys assholes?

    I thought she was classier than that.

    And deader.

  35. GOPCrusher

    Susan B _________ must be a graduate of the Pee Wee Herman School of Debate and Philosophy.

  36. Ducksworthy

    St. Sarah I was thinking what a wonderful world this would be if Jeebus would please do what they think he promised to do an take the teabagging Taliban assholes out of here.

  37. DustBowlBlues

    [re=540749]chascates[/re]: I’ve to no reply button for St Sarah and I’m too old and stupid to figure it out, so I’m just using you. Deal with it.

    St Sarah–Seriously? This woman is talking about some cult? AND reading the wonket? I don’t get that. Do they have a web site or something? They can’t be off the grid, because she got pissed at “our” wonkette.

    No, seriously–this idiot is reading wonkette and a member of a freaky little cult? That’s like finding out Sen. Grassley is Dust Bowl Blues. If the world is ending, or the liberals are ending, shouldn’t she be busy doing–something to prepare?

  38. chascates

    [re=540843]DustBowlBlues[/re]: I think she meant that her friend is a member of this group, not her (and according to Wiki he says the world is ending in 2011–take that heathen Mayans!).

    But according to a Google search:
    “Harold Camping) is a false prophet! The following are just a few of his false doctrines that have been taught, and that you would hear live on his heretical “Family Radio”…

    Harold Camping proclaimed the Lord’s return would be in 1994!
    Harold Camping now proclaims the Lord’s return will be in October, 20, 2011!
    Harold Camping (Family Radio) has aired Mormon advertisements!
    Harold Camping taught that NO ONE was saved between 1988 through 1994!
    Harold Camping teaches that the church age ended in 1994!
    Harold Camping teaches that the Holy Spirit is NO LONGER working in the church!
    Harold Camping teaches that EVERY church in the world is apostate!
    Clearly, Harold Camping is NOT a true Christian, and has fabricated his own cult.”

    So sayeth a rival nutcase. Can we just cede Alaska to these folks and sent them up there to await the Rapture?

  39. chascates

    [re=540843]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Sweet Zombie Jeebus! This Camping fellow has used math to figure this out!:

    By Camping’s understanding, the Bible was dictated by God and every word and number carries a spiritual significance. He noticed that particular numbers appeared in the Bible at the same time particular themes are discussed.

    The number 5, Camping concluded, equals “atonement.” Ten is “completeness.” Seventeen means “heaven.” Camping patiently explained how he reached his conclusion for May 21, 2011.

    “Christ hung on the cross April 1, 33 A.D.,” he began. “Now go to April 1 of 2011 A.D., and that’s 1,978 years.”

    Camping then multiplied 1,978 by 365.2422 days – the number of days in each solar year, not to be confused with a calendar year.

    Next, Camping noted that April 1 to May 21 encompasses 51 days. Add 51 to the sum of previous multiplication total, and it equals 722,500.

    Camping realized that (5 x 10 x 17) x (5 x 10 x 17) = 722,500.

    Or put into words: (Atonement x Completeness x Heaven), squared.

    “Five times 10 times 17 is telling you a story,” Camping said. “It’s the story from the time Christ made payment for your sins until you’re completely saved.

    “I tell ya, I just about fell off my chair when I realized that,” Camping said.

    SO DID I!!!!

  40. ProfessorJukes

    March 25th is the anniversary of the downfall of the Dark Lord, Sauron (Third Age, 3019).

    And, no, I do not have sex with anyone ever.

  41. slappypaddy

    [re=540871]chascates[/re]: NO! we can’t do that. he (or she) who controls alaska controls the world. some american general said that. i think. something to do with air routes. i think.

  42. slappypaddy

    [re=540886]chascates[/re]: “Seventeen means ‘heaven.’”

    damn straight. the preacher-man’s right on that one, she was divine.

  43. iantenna

    [re=540843]DustBowlBlues[/re]: http://www.ebiblefellowship.com/may21/index.html

    there’s been a fairly regular nutjob with sign on the overpass at the univ. ave exit in berkeley which is how i know about these wackos. it’s based on some pretty rough bible numerology, some shit like god was around earth for 7 days, and then somewhere else in the bible a day is said to be x number of years and then they project that forward from some starting date. who cares? wingnut city.

  44. Smoke Filled Roommate

    No, Susan, you are the people that are eating the bags of the dicks! You are! You’ll never figure it out, even in a year! You will just continue to eat bags of dicks for the rest of your lives! Blow it out your ass, dickeater!

  45. Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=540856]FMA[/re]: I’m surprise nobody mentioned how the Mayans invented television…

  46. 102415

    [re=540886]chascates[/re]: Hmmmm, one is 66, five is twelve and 57 gazillions added to the root of that spells out fool in six ancient languages. I’ve been waiting for the world to end since I was six years old and twice a year I was asked to put my head under the desk and stick my ass in the air because, I used to imagine, that was thought by adults to be the best death position for first graders.
    I have been thinking lately that all these screammy old nut cases yelling about the end of the world will be giving themselves strokes and shit like that. So in a way maybe the Death Panels have started. Hooray! I wonder if handsome Nate has some arithmetic showing that Republicans are dying faster from the anger and stress of the last year.
    It’s Spring, HRC is law and so I’m thinking I need a new picture up in the corner and some kind of colorful drink.

  47. Extemporanus

    [re=540886]chascates[/re]: [re=540899]slappypaddy[/re]: If Man is 5, then the devil is 6, and if the devil is 6…

    THEN GOD IS 7! THEN GOD IS 7! THEN GOD IS 7!

    This Mayan’s gone to heaven…

  48. Barrelhse

    Susan B. is obviously still pissed off about that cheesy one-dollar coin they named after her.

  49. 102415

    There! This is nice a fresh start for the first day of the last year.I am definitly getting a new couch before the Communist end of the world and a couple of cases of cookies.

  50. Tommmcatt

    [re=540814]GOPCrusher[/re]:

    Wow. How could I have forgotten about THAT? “He’d go walkin’ down the street, girls could not resist his stare…”

  51. Sharkey

    [re=540821]nailinpalinnow[/re]: So you’re saying Sarah’s new show is premiering on March 25, 2011?

  52. Extemporanus

    [re=541012]S.Luggo[/re]: Elton John was born on March 25, you asshole!

    Coincidence? Or…

  53. oldguy

    Don’t worry. There’s a guy from California on the radio (in NYC) who’s figured out that we are in the last 14 months of the Time of Tribulations (and Teabags), and that the Day of Judgment (and Teabags) is, if I remember correctly, May 27, 2011 (or sometime in May; I forgot to put it in my day planner). So the Antichrist (and Teabaggers) will only rule for a couple of months, March 25-May 27, the Time of Shit Backing Up Out of the Sewers and Ruining Your Shoes.

  54. mustardman

    Susan B_____. Please contact me over something of vital importance to you and your family. 2 words. Rapture insurance!

  55. Jim89048

    And where are the clowns?
    There ought to be clowns
    Well, maybe next year.

    The Judy Collins version, fuck all the rest of them.

  56. hotdog

    [re=540886]chascates[/re]: Makes perfect sense to me. But, I thought there was supposed to be some sort of holy trinity or something, so the number should be cubed rather than squared. Which means we have an additional 1,681,418 years to go. Oh, plus the one year from now till 2011, so a total of 1,681,419.

  57. knittingbull

    Here in Anchorage, AK we are reacting in disbelief that some
    idiot would actually believe our ex Twitter Quitter DumbAss Shitter
    will make it through his fantasy series. She couldn’t even make it
    through a 5 K, for cripes’ sake!

    However, on a different note, you guys rock. The snark on this
    site is at a level I can only dream of…

  58. knittingbull

    Is Susan referring to a Julian, Gregorian, Mayan, Chinese, solar,
    or GOP year? They’re all different, which means the magic date
    will be missed by a lot of people, and I hate being late.

  59. Jukesgrrl

    [re=541099]knittingbull[/re]: Are you new here? If so, welcome. I enjoy hearing a voice from Alaska that doesn’t involve screeching and misinformation.

  60. knittingbull

    [re=541105]Jukesgrrl[/re]: I’ve been lurking.
    We were really, really hoping she’d stay in
    the lower 48. Sigh. She constantly disappoints.

    We’re enjoying what passes for spring here (melting
    frozen mud) and averaging 4* minutes extra of daylight
    each day.

    Thank you for the welcome, I’ve been reading this blog
    (and numerous others) for the last 18 months and you
    guys make me bust a gut (small one, but it’s there) every
    time. I’ve been de-lurked.

  61. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=541111]knittingbull[/re]: Yes, welcome to the Wonkette commenting fold! I myself have cousins in Fairbanks, AK! They are basically insane, and have always been so!

  62. knittingbull

    [re=541119]Lascauxcaveman[/re]:
    I enjoyed 5 years of Fairbanks winters
    (and yes, you have to be insane to live
    there between October and May) going to
    UAF. Spent summers in Anchorage getting
    together enough money to go back and suffer
    some more.

  63. populucious

    According to the Lithuanian Calendar, March 25th 2011 is when Ragnarok comes for all bloggers.

  64. Darkness

    [re=540730]Marxist-Leninist Papist[/re]: My defensive plan is replica Old Country Buffet buffet carts. Imagine the confusion when the guntoting loons approaching the house smell those babies. They’ll lower their metal and waddle right over. (Note to self: buy extra heavy doses of tasteless sleeping powder . . . )

  65. Flanders

    [re=541111]knittingbull[/re]: I think I’m going to like you. At least you’re from Anchorage, not that meth-infested strip-mall/gravel-pit just a little bit up the Glenn Highway.

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