masterpiece theatre

So much better than Bob Dylan's Subterranean Homesick Blues, and also Weird Al's 'Bob.'OH GOD, STOP IT: Oh hey look this little gal (and whatever MONSTROUS ADULT made her do this, for food) just wants her super-good Viral Video to get on the Glenn Beck talent show for children, so watch it and go ahead and let us know where to find the embed code, posterity, etc. Okay thanks! [YouTube via "Alex P.," but don't watch unless you can handle the Truth and not die of embarrassment for this child, jesus christ, who does this to their own kid?]

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A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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150 comments

  1. Sarah Palin (vp@whitehouse.gov)

    I just adopted her. Now I have two with the downer symptons. Also.

    PALIN/NEUBRAGGER 2013!!

    -SP

  2. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    You know, PETA gets people out of their clothes for their ads. Just sayin’.

  3. Sharkey

    I think my favorite part (there are so many good ones) is the fact that you can’t even tell what’s on those pieces of paper she’s using to litter the ground.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    Oh well, enjoy it while you can Teabagger daddy till she rebels and
    1) dates a tinted man
    2) gets a tramp stamp (or 50) and goes to Vegas as a stripper
    3) has an illustrious career in “adult” vidayos
    4) or does all of the above when she becomes Tiger Wood’s 1001th mistress.

  5. Violenza

    Of course the tree has one of those faces on it they bought from the Lillian Vernon catalog or where the fuck ever. Bet your sweet ass they have “Bless This Mess” hanging up in their living room, and some fucking tapestry about Jesus walking on the sand, or walking in someone’s moccasins, or water or whatever he talked about.

  6. Marxist-Leninist Papist

    Please, O Lord, let MJ’s zombie corpse haunt her darkest nightmares…
    Some one needs to tell that deluded child that the Socialists like me dislike the bill too, so she can rest at ease. That is until its MJ ZOMBIE TIME !

  7. twoeightnine

    There’s nothing ironic about choosing “They Don’t Care About Us” as the song… none whatsoever.

  8. RoscoePColtraine

    She could do with a few voice lessons, perhaps, but her future as a lyricist is bright indeed. Bravo!

  9. Scoops McGee

    What’s that in the background….some kinda slant-eye tin-can speed-em-up car? And this girl calls herself an American! She needs to tell “Daddy” to get a all-American Chevy truck.

  10. slappypaddy

    ow. i had to watch it with the sound down, being at the office as i am, but even silent — ow.

    but in just a few years (or maybe by next week), she’s gonna make some lucky feller a happy man. don’t know how, but a cat can believe in miracles.

  11. Potater

    My favorite part is the friggin’ sweet guitar riff right around 2:06.

    DEEDLE DEEDLE DEENALKJDJGKADGH

  12. Sleeves

    [re=539816]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Sorry, your comment and the arpeggio, indeed, Michael Jackson.

  13. Troubledog

    She has a rebel flag tramp stamp and three babies.

    In Mississippi she actually qualifies as a MILF.

  14. XOhioan

    Oh God…I just looked at the child’s blog. Remedial education SOS. “PenutButter,” “I got strekes” (streaks in her hair), “We look Fabuluss.”

  15. Wonderman

    Today we are all talent-challenged brainwashed youth. Oh wait, no we’re not. Someone call Child Protective Services. Or at least get her an agent.

  16. penfifteen

    Oh lordy. Michael Hutchence just rolled over in his grave. I’m going to do “Opposites Attract,” and dance with an animated douche since we’re ripping off 80′s videos.

  17. Middy da Poo

    I couldn’t watch it all the way through – I was so totally embarrassed for her. Jayzus, when I was a youngin’ I’d do cringe-worthy shit and it’d be forgotten within a week or so. This poor child’s cringe-worthiness is recorded for eternity on the interwebs. Don’t ever consider running for public office, sweety.

  18. DC Hates Me

    Is she too poor to afford braces for her malformed teeths?

    Here’s the embed code for this video:

  19. Hooray For Anything

    In one of the many WTF moments of this video is the fact it’s a protest song against poverty in third world countries AND here in the US. Note irony. Even more ironic is that the song hails as it’s hero noted conservative….

    “I can’t believe this is the land from which I came
    You know I do really hate to say it
    The government don’t wanna see
    But if Roosevelt was livin’
    He wouldn’t let this be, no, no”

    D’oh!

  20. penfifteen

    [re=539862]Extemporanus[/re]: stinky bait…flagellate…masturbate…the bus is late…

  21. BeWoot

    TL;DW. But I watched enough to know why she/they blocked the embed code. Too late, though. Star Search called … somebody else.

  22. RoscoePColtraine

    In queeraselvis’ absence, it falls upon me to say:

    Bless her heart. Bless that poor child’s heart.

  23. Country Club Jihadi

    Had to take a break to watch the second half.
    On a positive note, she has potential as Huckabee’s new “Capitol Offense” bass player.

  24. Hooray For Anything

    [re=539867]the problem child[/re]: Oh, there’s definitely some sort of creepy vibe to that video, whether it be the uncle or the dad. I’m also thinking her destiny is to pretty much have three kids by two fathers and meth addiction by 27. And be on medicare disability.

  25. Extemporanus

    [re=539873]Extemporanus[/re]: A heavy weight…Or just too late?

    Like pretty Kate has sex ornate…fabricate…emulate…the truth dilate…special date…the animals we ate…regurgitate…

    (I didn’t change a word, and it still sounds like some bad trailer trash — “caravan crap”? — rap. No wonder he done’d kilt hisself.)

  26. nappyduggs

    As an alumnus of the “Liberty University” Performing Arts school I have every reason to believe that this child is a prodigy.

  27. Mac W Cheese

    One of our (Republican) physicians was just extolling the natural beauty of the people in the Midwest as opposed to the plastic perfection of the people here in LA. See this little girl and Skoal Rebel below for proof to the contrary.

  28. Sleeves

    [re=539858]Wonderman[/re]: I got me frigid and pissed(in the proper English sense) for FOX.

  29. El Pinche

    Her Dad: “No, you’re gonna do this video or daddy’s going to be on top tonight.”

  30. stolichnayaaa

    YouTube should have some kind of mercy filter where good-hearted people can vote to send things like this down the memory hole. I think it’s great that she is feeling involved like this, I just wonder if she’ll feel the same way in ten years.

    Every time I see something like this, I thank the Lord of Time that I exited my adolescence well before the age of YouTube.

  31. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=539897]stolichnayaaa[/re]: Thousands of kids make interesting, cool, humorous or just plain insipid videos on YouTube.

    Then there are your retards.

  32. irisheyesagain

    [re=539790]Sharkey[/re]: Well thank you very much. I appreciate the credit. Not for this short bus child in particular, mind you. Just the credit for finding her godawful video.

  33. RobPetrified

    Most states do not allow cousins or brothers/ sisters to marry.
    If the laws were enforced, this sort of thing wouldn’t happen.

  34. Alex_P

    I like how she changed exactly enough of the lyrics to make half of the song say the exact opposite of what the other half says.

  35. Mr Blifil

    Nancy Pelosi needs to invite her to spend one day trailing along with her while Congress is in session. Please save this poor wretch from a life of torture (and unwanted pregnancy).

  36. IgnatiusReilly

    Sweet Jesus, where are her school’s mean girls? Home schooling needs peer pressure.

  37. Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=539876]Country Club Jihadi[/re]: [re=539873]Extemporanus[/re]: [re=539866]penfifteen[/re]: Glenn Beck is great, my daughter’s eight, my uncle said, “let’s all rotate!” then some weird heavenly voice sings “malt-o-meal”..

  38. Radiotherapy

    Scene: A Kentucky hovel with a small buzz of excitement as a Teabagger daddy checks the battery on his $300 Sony Handycam, and some feeble-minded kid is trying on different pairs of jean shorts.

    Daddy: Lizzie Sue, this is gonna be as funny as when grandma dropped trout on the dance floor of mommyanddaddy’s wedding.
    Lizzie Sue: Remember not to zoom in on my snaggletooth.
    Daddy: Uh yeah, Go get that stuffed monkee out of your bedroom.
    Lizzie Sue: What fer?
    Daddy: It’ll make fun of that commie in the White House.
    Lizzie Sue: Oh, cuz Obama is a commie?
    Daddy Yeah, a fuckin’ nigger commie who reads Saul Alinsky and hates Murika.

  39. ArchDame

    [re=539882]justthisonce[/re]: I thought the same thing. She’s “covering” a song by a black guy and pulling a monkey toy that was used to symbolize Hopey by Palin’s supporters during the campaign out of her ass. The irony, it burns… also.

  40. Sharkey

    The reflection of the camera / tripod in the car door is another hallmark of quality videography.

  41. PsycGirl

    [re=539813]twoeightnine[/re]: There is also nothing ironic about the early appearance of a homemade sign thanking Fox for “keeping up infromed”. Nothing. Because I love to stay infromed.
    That’s about as far as I made it into the video.

  42. Mazement

    My favorite bit is at 0:18, the picture of the sign “Thank You Fox — News For Keeping Us Infromed”. I assume she went through a large archive of teabagger rally photos and used the ones that were the least misspelled.

  43. Chernobyl Soup

    [re=539894]El Pinche[/re]: Words. Not. Don’t. Enough. Exist. Thank you. Laughs. “Laughs” too small a “word”. Bless you.

  44. grevillea

    From the still I was expecting something to do with Abu Ghraib. Oh well, technically still torture, I suppose.

  45. biznesskommunity

    I’m not trying to be a killjoy but that’s a kid. Look at Ken’s post and you’ll see HE wasn’t trying to make fun of her personally. You’re supposed to cringe and maybe want to kill yourself but I really don’t think it’s fair game to make fun of the way she looks or her socio-economic status (anyway, doesn’t look like a poor family’s house). Also wherever she lives looks kinda purty (Eastern Ohio? Southern Missouri? No idea).

  46. Hooray For Anything

    [re=539948]EdFlinstone[/re]: What about the random dude who walks by in the background and gives a look over at what’s going on and decides to get the hell out of there?

    And what was up with the homeless guy that appears for a few seconds? Is she saying that Obamacare will cause homelessness or nobody cares about the homeless so let’s not do health care or is she saying we should care about poor people but not enough to give them health care?

  47. Sleeves

    [re=539971]Hooray For Anything[/re]: The homeless, the mimical hound, the choice of track…baffled. Utterly.

  48. DustBowlBlues

    I didn’t make it very far into this thing. All I could think was how embarrassing it will be for this poor kid someday, unless she gets knocked up in high school, marries white trash and stays exactly where she is. In that case, when the technology becomes available, they will sell some drugs or mortgage one of their guns and have her “awesome” movie done in 3D.

  49. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=539967]biznesskommunity[/re]: I’m hoping Glenn picks up on this and devotes 15 minutes of his teevee show on broadcasting the video and giving the young lady an on-air interview. I really am. It’s what the child wants. Does that make me mean?

  50. DustBowlBlues

    [re=539819]Scoops McGee[/re]: ” all-American Chevy truck.”

    Have you not heard? The Teabaggers, led by their Beck-god, says not to buy cars from the socialist GM.

    Only Sean O’Rushbeck and Faux news could make buying American a bad thing and favor tax cuts for foreign-owned businesses in this country–such as those favored by the Senator from Nissan.

  51. Nerdalicious

    2 cars parked in the front yard. nuff said. fer more laughs read the fantabulous comments on you tube.

  52. ThePerfesser

    The bad news is that she’s just finishing eighth grade and get in trouble for having sex with her teacher. The really bad news is that she is being home schooled.

  53. sanantonerose

    [re=539807]Violenza[/re]: Hey now, I got me a wooden “Kountry China” holder for my paper plates. Because you know, it’s ironic and shit.

  54. tbogg

    I didn’t watch until the end, but I assume she gets a bucket of pig’s blood dumped on her, right?

  55. comicbookguy

    Somebody please tell me this is a viral video ad for an upcoming Napoleon Dynamite sequel

  56. AKAM80TheWolf

    Thank Jeebus that under Obamacare, 60th trimester abortions are legal (and free! suck it Stupak).

  57. Hooray For Anything

    And not one mention of the out-of-nowhere guitar riff played on a pink 80′s hairband guitar and 80′s style keyboard riff in the middle of it? Both supposedly played by her? It’s like right in the middle of all this Teabag Retardation, “Separate Ways” breaks out

  58. lumpenprole

    The fleeing lady is pretty awesome. The same clip plays at least three times. Watching her flee the Dylan thing again and again reminded me of those Scooby Doo musical interludes.

  59. AfghanVet

    No worries, destined to die when her parents pray over her dying body instead of take her to some socialist hospital.

  60. SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    [re=540036]BarackMyWorld[/re]: The man doesn’t know guilt. Or shame. This will make him feel pride and he will bring this kid on his show in 3…2…1

  61. thefrontpage

    What a horrible, terrible, stupid, moronic video. Was this produced by Sarah Palin or Rush Limbaugh?

    MORONS!

  62. blkblt

    [re=539839]Troubledog[/re]: “In Mississippi she actually qualifies as a MILF.”
    Made me spit coffee all over. I’m so stealing that.

  63. sanantonerose

    Needs more demonic sheep.

    Also, I weep for the state of music education in this country.

  64. HuddledMass

    Is she doing… hip-hop? What IS that? I some little tea-party white girl making a pathetic “gangsta” moves to protest our black president. My head is swimming, and I am slightly nauseous.

  65. MalcolmFlex

    Maybe I’m digging too deep into this. But has anyone figured out what, or even wondered, what she dropped on the ground when she said “reconcilliation?”

    It was during the front-porch part. I think it was either a chocolate covered twinkie or a sex-toy. But it’s the key to this whole painfully ironic display I think.

  66. libwakman

    Self-aborting her monkey looking bastard will get her sent to hell with Nancy Pelosi and other commie libtards.

  67. slappypaddy

    [re=539822]slappypaddy[/re]: this morning i watched it with the sound up, and it was even worse than yesterday’s silent version. this poor child is never going to live this down. the best she can hope for is to disappear back into the oblivion from which she has arisen.

    but let’s hear it for the first amendment! only in this great and still obscenely prosperous land of teabags and mediocrity could such a fubar be created, much less foisted on a global audience by turns appalled and amused.

  68. slappypaddy

    [re=540101]lumpenprole[/re]: she’s scampering to scoop up all the dropped papers before they blow all over the farm.

  69. GOPCrusher

    WTF was that?
    And someone thought that it merited being put up on You Tube?
    I blame No Child Left Behind.

  70. Sharkey

    [re=540245]MalcolmFlex[/re]: Looks like a toy school bus to me.

    “School Bored Closing
    Just another failed”

  71. MalcolmFlex

    Makes perfect sense I guess Sharkey.

    “In a world filled with Wal-Marts, Sex Shops and Baptist Churches, one brave little home schooled girl boldly stands up against ObamaCare, and the homeless, to sercure the public education she so desperately desires.”

  72. heathenish

    [re=539863]Hooray For Anything[/re]: I think she said Ronald Regan, not Roosevelt, Im not sure, that’s when I quit watching, I can’t bare to watch it again, but I’m pretty sure it was Regan. And I thought Jesus fucking Kreeryst, what the fuck does this child know about Ronald Regan? really? jesus. Some people shouldn’t be allowed to have children.

  73. M Lite

    We’ve finally found the policymaking genius behind the GOP…who knew she’d be a 14 year old girl?

  74. Sharkey

    Why all the complaints? I swear I’ve watched this thing four or five times. There’s just so many layers to it!

    The fuck is wrong with me.

  75. thwanger

    at 1:04… “nancy pelosi, bug-eyed monkey, health care (something) just another liar, reconciliation, not an invitation” so, she’s calling nancy pelosi a bug-eyed monkey? so it’s not racist? also, at 0:17 the sign says “thank you fox news for keeping us infromed”. INFROMED.

  76. thwanger

    and,, also, why are we assuming a man put her up to this? because you’re sexist! that’s why.

  77. octupletsmom

    [re=541019]Sharkey[/re]: Disabled ratings before I could rate it, but I did leave a little comment, which I can no longer see today. Still, I hope they understood & appreciated it, for the child’s sake.

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