Welcome To The Fantastic World Of Today

Add to Flipboard Magazine.
  • A 90-minute discussion between President Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu did not include the customary public handshake at the beginning, which means that World War III (AIPAC vs. ACORN) will commence shortly. [Guardian]
  • Parents, don’t all rush to have asthmatic kids just because you think they can get insurance now! They cannot. [AP]
  • Speaking of babies, two Slings of Death have been pulled from the market. [ABC News]
  • In the deadly waters off the coast of Somalia, pirates are now the prey. [CNN]
  • The most important thing about the healthcare bill is that it begins to address economic inequality, which is why fat-cat Republican plutocrats hate the shit out of it. [New York Times]
  • Everybody is so delighted that Joe Biden said “fuck” yesterday, because it was the most important word in the whole health care bill. [NBC Los Angeles]

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    Fuckin’ Joe Biden and his big fuckin’ mouth fuckin’ everything the fuck up so that all fuckin’ Merkins might fuckin’ have access to fuckin’ affordable health care. Fucker.

  • ManchuCandidate

    “In the deadly waters off the coast of Somalia, pirates are now the prey” Duh duh duh!!!
    SKS, ever consider writing movie poster blurbs?

    Economic inequality is pretty much what GOPer fatcats have left going for them. It’s not their personalities, their human decency, their love of humanity, their drive or talent. I almost feel sorry for those entitled overbred motherfuckers, but then I look at what those fucks did to my pension and the feeling goes away.

  • Chernobyl Soup

    One Wonkette editor procreates and the whole outfit morphs into parenting.com.

    Also, Obama would beat the ever loving shit out of Natanyahu in a cage match.

  • Larry McAwful

    Had Joe Biden said “fuck” during the primaries more, he’d still be in the Oval Office, but he’d be working with our first black vice president. Fact.

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    Mommy tip of the day: Sara, Baby Bjorn is the way to go. The little guy is always right there in front of you so you can easily check on him. And a little dribble of beer or food crumbs won’t hurt the top of his head!

  • SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    [re=538931]Chernobyl Soup[/re]: Have you ever seen Bibi up close? Not a small man. And mean looking, like he’d have no problem ripping your heart out and eating it while you die.

  • dr.giraud

    “More unusually still, no reporters or photographers were invited to see the traditional pre-meeting handshakes, with the duo not seen together publicly at all.”

    Ha ha, Obama made Netanyahu sit there and listen to Joe Biden say “fuck” for 90 minutes, while he smoked a pack of Marlboros and appeared bored.

  • ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=538935]SlouchingTowardsWasilla[/re]: Fair enough. Obama would have to rope-a-dope him. Think Foreman v Ali in the jungle.

  • Cape Clod

    I’m getting a little tired of Joe Biden and his “Maryland-Style” politics.

  • Simba B

    Yesterday Netanyahu had a warm public reception from the House of Representatives and Senate. “We in Congress stand by Israel,” the Democrat leader of the House, Nancy Pelosi, said. “In Congress we speak with one voice on the subject of Israel.”

    Man, even teh communist rag from merry olde England.

  • Cape Clod

    Jesu, I meant “Delaware-Style”, Moran.

  • WadISay

    While Netanyahu was sitting in the lobby, Barry should have used emminent domain to condemn half the Israeli embassy for an Arab settlement.

  • Diana Davies

    [re=538946]Cape Clod[/re]: Cape Fucking Clod!

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    Baby sling shots? That’s just wrong.

  • Whitey Did Katrina

    Blackwater, or whatever its Frat Letter Name is now, is really the perfect solution to the Somali pirate situation. They can be heartless, semi-competent killers and no one will give a shit because unlike in Iraq and Afghanistan no tact or delicacy is needed. Also, seafarers have a long history of tolerating all of the butt-sex and butt-jagermeister-shots that Blackwater is into, for “companionship.”

    Anyway, that’s how I would break down this shit if I were on the fucking McLaughlin Group.

  • Dean Booth

    In the realm of Netans, Obama is Netangoogle.

  • V572625694

    [re=538951]Whitey Did Katrina[/re]: And who among us doesn’t want to be on the fucking McLaughlin Group, the show that turned journalists into blathering talking heads spewing their own opinions like vomit?

  • Whitey Did Katrina

    [re=538954]V572625694[/re]: … thus preparing us for our role as commenters on an internet. Exactly.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Slings of Death being recalled? Man, a whole lot of leather daddies at the Eagle are going to be mighty upset by this.

    Oh. They’re for babies. Never mind; as you were.

  • weejee

    [re=538952]Dean Booth[/re]: Are you sure Barry doesn’t think Bibi, the world’s largest real estate developer forever & ever, is a Netanyayhoo?

  • the problem child

    [re=538949]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: No, that’s a baby catapult. http://www.acapsoft.com/photo/lego/7586/DSC02731es.jpg

  • MzNicky

    I’m just glad no other Vice President of the United States ever said the f-word.


  • AnglRdr

    pirates are now the prey…James Cameron to direct, hopefully.

  • Berkeley Bear

    Those slings ain’t nothing. When I worked in private practice, we had a client who wanted to patent a baby bouncer that consisted of surgical tubing connected to door clamps with a seat in the middle. If (As happened around our offices a lot) you put a weight in the seat and bounced it vigorously, the bottom clamps came off and the weight shot out like a cannonball. Fun times for all!!!!

    The folks working on the case coined the term “bouncing baby death trap” for it, but I’m not sure what ever happened to it as a marketable product.

  • Mr Blifil

    Before breakfast today I said “this is a fucking big meal.” Out of solidarity.

  • doxastic

    Speaking of fatcat Republicans hating the shit out of health care as a mechanism for addressing inequality: Amusing Juxtapositions! Starring John Boehner. FYI: this is not the party platform you are looking for.

  • Way Cool Larry

    [re=538954]V572625694[/re]: so it was really the McLaughlin group that started the decline of western civilization?

  • Katydid

    An insurance industry group says the language in the law that pertains to consumer protections for kids is difficult to parse. “We’re taking a closer look at it to see what exactly the requirement will be,” said Robert Zirkelbach, spokesman for America’s Health Insurance Plans, the main industry lobby.

    WTF? When shit like this happens, is does Congress deliberately fuck it up by writing legislation that says: “Insurance companies must cover all persons under the age of 18 for all health-related issue, unless they really, really don’t want to, until 2014,” or are they just that stupid?

    I really, really want to know. Any DC lawyers out there? Those with guns? Those with money?

  • Joshua Norton

    That does it! Joey can’t play with Rahm any more. He’s picking up too many bad words.

  • mumblyjoe

    [re=538949]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: No, no. Baby slings, shot. Totally different issues.

    Basically the same end result, though.

  • Dashboard_Buddha

    I remember back in the early days of the Internet when they asked Bibi what he thought. He said he was excited to learn more about the ‘net and Yahoo.

    (I am so sorry)

  • Mr Blifil

    If your baby is small enough to be in a sling, and you absolutely have to shop among the hurly-burly clusterfuck madness that is Costco because the roast chickens are cheap, and because buying toothbrushes in quantities of 50 will save you money in the long haul, it’s still a good idea to check every now and again to see if their color is the proper shade of “skin tone” or has turned to “Trig.”

  • Marxist-Leninist Papist

    And if next cycle of World Wars is upon us, then the coming of the World Socialist Republic must follow next. The Grand Negro Illuminati Muslim plan is kicking into gear. This is change we can all believe in. Well I can believe in it at least.

  • JMP

    [re=538951]Whitey Did Katrina[/re]: Yes, matey; ’tis only by granting the Letters of Marque to proper privateers that we can put a stop to the great pirate menace.

  • Cicada

    [re=538946]Cape Clod[/re]: I thought you were making a very subtle joke about Michael Steele’s mastery of saying stupid shit.

    But yeah, those Delaware pols are known for their fucking filthy mouths. Little known fact: the term “snorkeling” was coined by Governor Markell during a meeting with the State Board of Education.

  • tootsieroll

    [re=538971]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: I laughed.

    You know what makes me rage though? Reading comments on stories like the one in the Times where douchebags write: “Hey, I’m just gonna quit my job and go on the gubment dole! Why should I work right?” Do any of you Wonketteers have a good retort for that kind of bullshit?

  • RoscoePColtraine

    [re=538972]Mr Blifil[/re]: My thoughts exactly. I’m sorry, “my baby just likes to sleep a lot” just doesn’t cut it.

  • Red Zeppelin

    [re=538962]Berkeley Bear[/re]: Dunno, but I’m pretty sure it became a sex toy.

  • V572625694

    [re=538965]Way Cool Larry[/re]: i don’t see how anyone could dispute the fact that American civilization began its long decline the first time John McLaughlin said, “And what do you say, Freddie the Beatle Barnes?”

    Plus Pat Buchanan.

  • Marxist-Leninist Papist

    [re=538986]tootsieroll[/re]: My retort: “Pig, in Great Socialist Fatherland America, all who can work, work. Because unlike that defunct entity of Capitalista dogs known as the Fed, we believe a little inflation is a fair exchange for more total employment. Now Shut uo, and get back to work in the collective farms, kulak !”

  • RoscoePColtraine

    Don’t people read the instructions that come with their babies? What, are they written in Chinese or something?

  • Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=538978]Marxist-Leninist Papist[/re]: You know…I’ve watched a lot of twaddle on the “History” channel about the end o’ the world stuff. One of the key events is the Antichrist (Obama?) rebuilding some temple or another. Well fuck…this could be the easiest EOTW to avoid. When Obama shows up at the Jerusalem town office, JUST DON’T GIVE HIM A BUILDING PERMIT. Boom, end of the world averted and we can all go out for drinks.

  • Dashboard_Buddha

    [re=538997]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: I never buy babies that are made in China. Too much lead and cadmium. Also, they reek of sulfur after awhile.

  • El Pinche

    On the AP article, who said communism was perfect?

    OT, but hahahaha:

    George thinks the ink from black people skin is icky.

  • Marxist-Leninist Papist

    [re=539005]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Best part about that particular “apocalypse a coming” BS is that its based solely on the Old Testament prophetic texts, not the NT. The teal new Temple for the is the the Body of Christ which is the Church. It is a temple of the spirit, not a temple for carnal eyes. Which all goes to say to the fundies: HA HA, your acting like the blaspheming Jewz. How does your intolerant, unmerciful Jehovah feel about THAT, HUH ?!?

  • Bernie Madeoff

    I guess all that nucular waste dumping and seafood appropriating didn’t send a strong enough message. I mean really– when will the dark people adopt civilisation?

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=538937]dr.giraud[/re]: That image actually made me kind of hot. Does this mean that I have a thing for diplomatic porn? I sort of hope so.

    I think it’s the smoking, more than anything.

  • Cicada

    [re=538986]tootsieroll[/re]: You can point out that welfare recipients live in poverty. Or that not working is correlated with depression and stress. But really, arguing with those fucksticks is a waste of precious sanity.

  • Jim89048

    [re=538965]Way Cool Larry[/re]: I knew nothing good could come from a union of Pat Buchanon and Moanica Crowley.

  • Maxine of Arc

    [re=539005]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: Well, actually, one of the key events is the desecration of the temple (probably a reference to its destruction and sacking by Titus in 70 B.C.E.). But wingnut pre-millennial dispensationalists (as they’re called!), with their winning combination of an insane cherry-picking approach to scripture and a stark fucking ignorance about historical and current events, have decided that this is something that will happen in the future, and that the Antichrist will do it. Therefore, since even they have to admit that it’s pretty hard to desecrate a temple that currently consists of exactly one (1) fragmentary Western Wall, it’s obvious (OBVIOUS) that he will just have to rebuild the temple first. So that he can immediately desecrate it. READ THE BIBLE, SHEEPLE, IT’S ALL RIGHT THAR. (hint: no it isn’t)

    And no, they don’t make any attempt to either acknowledge or account for the fact that the goddamn Dome of the Rock is sitting RIGHT FUCKING ON TOP of where this hypothetical rebuilt temple would need to be. That’s because Muslims and their holy sites don’t exist for End Times fetishists, except as props and minions of Satan whose belief system is composed of 80% Jew-hating, 19% suicidal intent, and 1% miscellaneous malice. (This is also why the Palins of the world insist that 9/11 happened because they “hate our freedoms.” They literally cannot comprehend that there could be any motive or justification, other than sheer mustache-twirling Evilness, for hating U.S. America.)

  • blinky_twinkie

    [re=539070]Maxine of Arc[/re]: is composed of 80% Jew-hating, 19% suicidal intent, and 1% miscellaneous malice.

    That actually adds up. ARITHMETIC FAIL!!!! You’re FIRED!

  • Mahousu

    Baby slings are just too unreliable. Trust me, baby trebuchets are the only way to go.

  • Pandy

    [re=538986]tootsieroll[/re]: How about reminding them that they don’t get unemployment insurance for quitting their job or getting fired.

  • PlanetWingnuta

    [re=538956]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: that’s dick of death you’re thinking of :)

  • Hooray For Anything

    [re=538986]tootsieroll[/re]: I have a retort– as I’ve been living on and off the government dole for the past year and a half, I can say it fucking sucks. Well except for the sleeping in, playing on Wonkette, reading Lost message boards– that’s kind of fun. But other than that IT SUCKS. SUCKS!!!!!!

    How’s that?

  • GOPCrusher

    [re=538960]AnglRdr[/re]: I say we take off and nuke the site from space. It’s the only way to be sure.

  • GOPCrusher

    [re=538994]V572625694[/re]: My first response was Monica Crowley. But your argument has swayed me.

  • bamisantiam

    My reply to Biden: FYFF.
    Fuck you you fuckin’ fuck