haw haw haw

Polite Senate Republicans Not Trying To Disrupt Reconciliation Process

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GUESS WHAT, OUR HEADLINE EMPLOYS SARCASM. Consider Tom “I Am A Doctor Like Howard Dean” Coburn, who has introduced a slew of wacky amendments that will be super-tough for Senate Democrats to vote against, because any change that the Senate makes in this bill would send it back to the House for a new vote.

Democrats are supposedly steeled to vote them all down, but who knows, Joe Lieberman, Ben Nelson, etc… This one about pedophiles shouldn’t be the most difficult. We already know that Democrats are kiddie-rapers who keep large stores of boner pills. For what else would they use the revenue from a carbon tax?

[Tom Coburn]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell


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  • Buzz Feedback

    Time for the good doctor to suffer an accidental needle stick.

  • Lucidamente

    No erectile dysfunction drugs to sex offenders?!?!?! WTF?!?! What are the fellas on C Street gonna do now???

  • Words

    Are there that many sex offenders who have erectile dysfunction? Seems an oxymoron.

  • Formerly Preferred

    Fortunately most of the catholic clergy has not actually been *convicted,* and thus would still be eligible.

  • CthuNHu

    Does David Vitter know about this?

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Coburn’s facial expression on his webpage suggests he just got finished aborting a watermelon.

  • sati demise

    I hope they get one of their amendments and then the Dems just tack on the Medicare buy-in for all when it goes back to the House.
    two fer!

  • SayItWithWookies

    What a bunch of amateurs. If they were really determined to change the bill, they’d propose free weed with every abortion. It’s like they’ve just given up on completely hamstringing the legislative process.

  • Jumping Jim

    They also would ban giving prescriptions for Cialis or Viagra to dead men.


    a) Would have been heartbreaking for Anna Nicole
    b) Would make open casket viewings much more spectacular

  • V572625694

    Honestly. Here’s the actual language of his item 2:

    “Purpose: To require that each new bureaucrat added to any department or agency of the Federal Government for the purpose of implementing the provisions of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act be offset by a reduction of 1 existing bureaucrat at such department or agency.”

    We’d need a whole new bureaucracy to determine who is a bureaucrat and who isn’t. If they hire a doctor at a community health center, is he a “bureaucrat”? And the teaser language says “in Washington DC,” whereas the actual language above doesn’t specify location.

    One can only conclude that Herr Doktor Coburn is a hypocrite and a liar. Or maybe just stupid. Before he was appointed to the Senate the first time, he actually said on the teevee that he was in favor of the death penalty for gynecologists who terminate pregnancies. What a fucking monster!

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=538607]V572625694[/re]: “If they hire a doctor at a community health center, is he a “bureaucrat”?”

    I think that’s pretty easy – would the doctor provide health care to brown-skinned people? Then, yes; bureaucrat.

  • Hooray For Anything

    [re=538594]SayItWithWookies[/re]: McConnell threatened to propose a bunch of pro-choice amendments so as to put Democrats on the spot– vote for all the sweet, sweet free abortion bills but have to send it back to the House where they’ll lose Stupak and lose the bill or vote against all those sweet, sweet free abortion bills to get the bills passed and piss off all the women’s and pro-choice groups. Pretty clever, actually– except for the whole explaining it to your base thing.

  • Jerri

    Look how adorable! They lump “abortion pills” (which needs a definition) right in with the no wiener drugs for rapists and kiddie diddlers section. Coburn, you scamp!

  • comicbookguy

    So it’s like paygo, but ensuring that it costs more? He’s basically proposing a bureaucracy oversight committee

    Wait till Eric Cantor submits his “Stop hitting yourself” amendment, or “Be It Resolved, That: ahomosayswhat?”

  • kudzu


    “One can only conclude that Herr Doktor Coburn is a hypocrite and a liar. Or maybe just stupid.”

    Don’t be so hard on yourself. He’s stupid. He’s a fucking Repug. What do you expect?

  • Sharkey

    [re=538607]V572625694[/re]: I wonder what quantity of greenhouse gases he released while he was writing that. He’s a waste of perfectly good oxygen.

  • comicbookguy

    [re=538619]Jerri[/re]: Because the morning after pill is pretty much like a Catholic priest with a 24 hour angry orange boner.

  • Jukesgrrl

    I have a feeling these amendments were written by a little punk staffer.

  • Shaggypixel

    [re=538619]Jerri[/re]: ’cause if you get raped and need a ‘bortion in a bottle, YOU are the sex offender. I feel so informed now.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Oh, the nice Republicans have just decided to keep committees from meeting instead. How nice of them to wave their complete and utter failure in the face of the American people for a few days longer — I can just feel the hearts and minds of the electorate being won over as we speak.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    But how do Republicans feel about giving abortions to convicted sex offenders?

  • V572625694

    [re=538616]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Snark aside for the moment, community health centers are an important provider of health care to the “medically indigent,” as they are politely called. Most of them are a chaos scenario of screaming babies, overweight mothers, DUI convicts working off court-ordered indentured servitude community service, and other undesirables of the sort Koburn would usher right into the gas chambers, had he but the chance to do so.

    In other words, our kind of folks: Democrats every one.

  • Quite Contrary

    No insurance coverage of morning-after pill for anyone should require no insurance coverage of boner pill for anyone.

  • keepinitrealyo

    Hey, this kind of thing worked wonders for Newt Gingrich!

  • keepinitrealyo

    [re=538629]SayItWithWookies[/re]: What I said earlier? I was referring to this kind of thing.

  • Hooray For Anything

    [re=538629]SayItWithWookies[/re]: When only 24% of the people approve of how you handled the issue, there’s nowhere to go but up!

  • S.Luggo

    [re=538570]Buzz Feedback[/re]: If by “needle stick” you mean an ice-pick firmly applied to the ear drum, then I agree.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=538592]sati demise[/re]: I was assuming this is how the robust public option was going to get in.

  • sati demise

    [re=538629]SayItWithWookies[/re]: oh yea, the wrath of WALNUTS!
    Revenge of the Turds.
    They blocked the meeting on government transparency to protest the lack of transparency.?!?!?!?
    that’s McNasty all right.

  • Jerri

    [re=538626]comicbookguy[/re]: Of course! Exactly the same thing in every way. Not only that, but seems to me the regular Pill causes one mini preemptive-abortion per month.* Can’t have that!

    [re=538628]Shaggypixel[/re]: Republican logic is nothing if not informative. And helpful! To ladies in particular!

    *Actual logic used by a fundie jesus freak relative who eschewed the pill and of course wound up having a baby at age 14. But it was a BLESSED EVENT, obviously.

  • sati demise

    [re=538651]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Harry Reid just promised Bernie Sanders a separate vote on the public option in another reconciliation bill, later on.
    this is obviously a bribe to keep Sanders from cold throwing it down this week.
    Wonder which bill they will use to slip in a vote on single payer?

  • rocktonsammy

    “I’ve said it before, Democracy simply doesn’t work.”

    – Kent Brockman

  • Buzz Feedback

    [re=538650]S.Luggo[/re]: I was thinking of something w/a little monkey pox at the tip but I think the icepick will work nicely.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=538638]V572625694[/re]: I know, I know – I’ll have to work at such places during nursing school.

  • V572625694

    [re=538658]sati demise[/re]: How about a bill designating the trilobite as Official Fossil of the United States? (Although McCain might vote against that, hoping to get that for himself.)

  • V572625694

    [re=538693]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Then you’ll have the satisfaction of doing something with your time that makes the world a little bit better place every day. Plus distributing government cheese!

  • DP

    Damn. My dead prescription provider will probably go out of business now…but snark aside, is the good Senator/Doctor so out of ammunition that he thinks no one will notice that “fraudulent” payments would be those that were acquired through FRAUD which, everywhere except New Jersey, is already illegal?

  • BlueStateLibtard

    Yes, lump in the no-Cialis-for-sex-offenders right in there with no morning-after pill for the poor woman who’s just been raped. Such sick fucks, they make me sick.

  • thefrontpage

    The new health reform bill provides free Percoset for everyone, so things should settle down pretty quickly.

  • President Beeblebrox

    Spooky Doktor Tom never fails to deliver.

  • Berkeley Bear

    [re=538704]V572625694[/re]: And in a few years we’ll have some new docs for them bought and paid for through the bill. In another smart idea Dems are too dumb to trumpet, there’s a provision creating a new “Public Health Service Track” in the bill that will basically be ROTC for docs, dentists etc. Something like at least 150 med students and several hundred other healthcare students a year get tuition and a stipend for up to 4 years in return for between 4-8 years practice on the government’s dime in places like community health centers.

    Oh yeah, loan repayment help for nursing and med students who go into public service too. And money for oldz to live at home instead of nursing facilities. And a program for people with diabilities not to have to live entirely off Medicaid or their parents. And a whole lotta other cool shit. But we wouldn’t want anyone to know, so let’s keep it quiet.

  • V572625694

    [re=538723]Berkeley Bear[/re]: Yeah, b-but Death Panels! Government takeover of one sixth of the economy!

    Jeez it can’t happen soon enough. I wish Boner and his compadres were right and that Anthem and Aetna would dry up and blow away.

  • hotdog

    [re=538604]Jumping Jim[/re]: (c) Makes it less likely that anyone will, to quote the Rolling Stones, “make a dead man cum.”

  • Mad Brahms

    “You know what I hate? Big government! I sure do hates it when the feds come barging into our lives, controlling things! You know what I loves? Amendments the impose extra government rules!”

    And so we mourn the death of Coburn, whose head exploded from cognitive dissonance.

  • Mad Brahms

    Oh, and I forgot about amendment #3, about not lecturing Americans about fiscal irresponsibility. SHH! Don’t tell CNBC!

  • Jim89048

    When I found the story at cbsnews.com, I also found a linkie to a story about a beloved mammal death-paneled before her time…

  • Diana Davies

    So he doesn’t want criminals to become hardened criminals. I’m down with that.

  • sati demise

    [re=538777]Diana Davies[/re]: oh snap!

  • Joshua Norton

    MORE wingnut amendments for a bill that they won’t even vote for? Fuck ’em and feed ’em beans.

  • Mr Blifil

    Dr. Tom fails to take into account evil teenage lesbians and the lengths to which they will go to give themselves dangerous erections.

  • Mad Brahms

    [re=538786]Mr Blifil[/re]: Ah yes, the Ed Wood version of sexuality. Terrifying indeed.

  • bozofish

    Start me up, Dr. Coburn. You’d make a dead man come…or a grown man cry. Probs both.

  • Diana Davies

    [re=538780]sati demise[/re]: Yeah, I know. Sometimes I embarrass myself.

  • widget09

    also. No abortions for homosexual men.

  • PsycGirl

    [re=538692]Buzz Feedback[/re]: I vote curare

  • Jukesgrrl

    [re=538723]Berkeley Bear[/re]: Of course we can’t talk about that. Damn San Francisco values!

  • american mutt

    No healthcare for Hitler!

  • Berkeley Bear

    [re=538813]Jukesgrrl[/re]: For whatever reason, Dem leaders think that people will be able to figure out what’s in this bill if no one ever tells them. Like how the Stimulus had tons of real cool stuff most people should love (6 billion for basic science, full funding of special ed for the first time ever, enough money to keep pretty much all the teachers in the country employed for a couple years) but somehow that never got communicated. I sure hope they don’t blow this too.

    Of course, it didn’t help with the stimulus that the left wing advocates who pushed for all this stuff for years then reacted to getting it like “Meh, the pony’s nice, but I really wanted a pink unicorn that shoots lasers.” Should’ve been fucking party time until we all wind up grinning like Biden and people feeled compelled to ask us why, but noooooo.

    Fucking chronically pissed off hippies whining like they got sand in their vaginas. Beefcake! Beefcake! (Sorry, had to let my inner Cartman out for a second there).

  • Berkeley Bear

    [re=538817]american mutt[/re]: But what about Zombie Hitler – he’s not dead but “undead” so he’d get the boner pills, right?

  • CanadianBacon

    How about this amendment, the apple pie amendment- This amendment would ensure that apple pie offered for sale in restaurants can only be served with white ice cream and restaurants serving chocolate ice cream are no longer allowed to have apple pie on the menu.

  • ladymacbeth

    we can haz TruckNutz amendments!?!?!

  • DustBowlBlues

    [re=538777]Diana Davies[/re]: Ooh, good one. Now i have to figure how to work this into conversation with one of the idiots around here–

    Really agree with Coburn about that boner pill not going to already hardened criminals.

    Spooky Doktor Tom: Making modern day okies proud and the Joads weep.

  • emjayay

    My guvmint approved Aetna High Option plan charges full retail for Cialis even when you buy it from their online pharmacy. Do other guvmint approved plans give you a deal on this kind of stuff? OH YEAH, WHICH ONES?

  • emjayay

    [re=538705]DP[/re]: Apparently Medicaid fraud is also encouraged in my fine state of New York. Probably Louisiana to I bet.

  • Jim89048

    [re=538705]DP[/re]: It’s only illegal if they get caught.

  • Aurelio

    …any change that the Senate makes in this bill would send it back to the House for a new vote.

    So are they just going to pass this thing back and forth?

    Serious question: why doesn’t this bill go to a conference committee with both House and Senate members on it? Isn’t that what normally happens?

  • JSDC007

    How about the “No Pampers for David Vitter” Amendment?

    The “No Pimping by Tom Coburn for John Ensign” Amendment?

    The “No Government Paid Healthcare for Those Against Universal Healthcare” Amendment?

  • m_supercomputer

    [re=538723]Berkeley Bear[/re]: Plus a provision that creates actual designated funding for prevention and local health departments, which had been competing with every other social spending priority for money since at least the ’80s. And they need it, because 16,000 jobs were lost at local health departments last year alone.

  • Capitol Hillbilly

    Tom Coburn is a doktor, so I think he knows a little bit more about health care than a bunch of bloggers.

  • GOPCrusher

    But won’t this directly affect the “Base”?

  • Capitol Hillbilly

    [re=538907]Aurelio[/re]: conference report could be filibustered. fixing budget details can be done through reconciliation which has built-in limit on debate

  • Bearbloke

    Perhaps a little Judo is in order?

    Any ‘good’ Senate ReThug amendments, like the Viagra-Sex-Offender thing should be ignored by the Senate, but rather be immediately sent to the House and quickly passed by the Dems there, then be immediately sent back to the Senate as seperate new bills to be championed by Dem Senators…

  • zhubajie

    No more Viagra for Republican Congressmen?

  • zhubajie

    [re=538694]V572625694[/re]: It’s already the state fossil of Ohio, I’m sure you know!