All Sarah Palin ever wanted to be in her whole life was a teevee host. This is Documented Fact, and the whole “politics” thing simply grew out of her failure to get a full-time spot on the local news in Anchorage. It didn’t work out, of course, because Sarah Palin was too dumb and untalented for the local news in Anchorage.
And so she became mayor of a gravel pit behind a strip mall and next thing you know John “I will literally try fucking anything at this point” McCain went ahead and chose her as the GOP candidate for Vice President of the United States of America, in 2008. And then, that same day, the entire global financial system collapsed. It still hasn’t recovered! But she has. Sarah Palin always recovers, because she has her Eye on the Prize, and that Prize is whatever they call the basic cable version of a Daytime Emmy.
(Did Sarah Palin cause the collapse of global financial markets and the worst recession in a century all by herself? We don’t yet know “for sure,” but the Dow did open at 11,730 the morning before John McCain pulled his Palin stunt, and by day’s end the DJIA had plunged 187 points. It would drop another 320 points during the GOP convention in St. Paul the next week, and finish that awful month of September down another 700 points — including a 501-point drop on a single day, September 15, that was the biggest fall since the 9/11 attacks. Home values fell TWENTY PERCENT over this same month, nationwide. There was a bank run on previously safe “money market funds,” Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac collapsed and were bailed out by the Fed, Lehman Bros. went bust, AIG was bailed out next, major banks collapsed, John McCain was so freaked out about his IRA that he canceled — and then uncanceled — a debate with Obama ….. it was chaos, insanity, and it was all her fault, for existing.)
Anyway now she’s got a deal to make a Discovery Channel show about Alaska, land of helicopter hunting and tattoo parlors. Majestic! It will air once a year or whenever she decides to show up for work, before the “History’s scariest UFO drawings” program and right after the one about the mysteries of pizza — apparently, it is made of different “foods” that are “cooked” before the weird middle-aged guy with a balding ponytail and a limp delivers it to you in a cardboard box covered in logos. THE END. [The Awl/Variety]