John McCain Will Repeal Health Care Reform, Through Magic, If You Send Him Money

  walnuts!

History's Greatest Monster.
A pathetic, amoral piece of garbage who is utterly terrified of losing his fat-cat Senate privileges, that’s John McCain: “I believe we must repeal this bill immediately. I am currently working in every way possible on your behalf to accomplish this. However, I am facing a tough reelection campaign. If I am not reelected this year, I cannot fight for our shared values in the Senate. That’s why your immediate donation of any amount is so critical. Your urgent support will enable me to continue our fight against this terrible bill.”

Nuts to you, Failure RINO. Please go to the Rest Home now, and let hilarious teabagger-birther JD Hayworth win the GOP nomination for Arizona’s “idiot senator” seat. [Arizona Republic]

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A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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103 comments

  1. coolcatdaddy

    “Your urgent support will enable me to continue our fight against this terrible bill.”

    I see. And your immediate exit from the Senate will help Congress continue to actually get something done for a change.

  2. BeWoot

    Oh, and … ‘”idiot senator” seat’ in Arizona is actually a bench. Jon Kyle needs a place to rest his demented ass. Too.

  3. Oblios Cap

    I just got an urgent message from Toomey asking the same thing. I vote in Florida. Keep wasting postage sending those appeals for donations, GOP. Unfortunately, they got smart enough to stop sending postage paid envelopes. I used to like filling out their questionaires with my insults and mailing them back.

  4. Troubledog

    Put on an apron and go to work for Cindy. Sell more beer, John. Sell more beer while I poke you through the bars with this piece of bamboo.

  5. JMP

    All the Republicans who have started claiming they’re going to repeal the bill “immediately” had better explain how they’re going to be able to do so, when it won’t be possible for them to actually have both houses of Congress and the White House until 2013.

    Is there anyone who knows if the Dems have anyone credible up for the seat? I personally would love to see the teabaggers take down their own far-right former presidential candidate, but not if that means we’d be likely to get a man whose insanity rivals that of the Oklahoma Senators to join the,.

  6. Chain Tattoo

    What’s with that row of stars zooming from McCain’s crotch to Obama’s ass? Is this some kind of Senate ritual I don’t want to know about? Old guy slips starry beam up ass of young guy?

  7. freakishlystrong

    The only urgent support Walnuts! needs is a cock-sling.

    And that picture never fails to cause spastic, convulsive laughter. It screams everything that was election ’08.

  8. JMP

    [re=537706]Troubledog[/re]: But that would mean he’d have to spend time with that woman who plasters makeup lake a trollop, the cunt.

  9. Nappied Hypotenuse

    [re=537711]freakishlystrong[/re]: I hope that’s his obit pic, with or without the desperate lunge at Obama.

  10. jus_wonderin

    You think Mac be used to the taste of Geritol by now. Though, I hear a banana will help with those digital spasms. Of course, a banana in the mix would make this photo weird.

  11. V572625694

    [re=537693]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Crashing multi-zillion-dollar airplanes in the Navy is like sodomizing altar boys in the Vatican: technically a pecadillo sure, but hey, these things happen, whaddya gonna do, you know?

  12. Crank Tango

    [re=537711]freakishlystrong[/re]: did we ever find out what medication he was on that night? Wasn’t he acting nuts that whole time?

  13. GoinGreen

    Can somebody please remind me what Johnny Walnuts was actually doing here in this photo. I keep trying to remember, but all I get is a visual of Barry getting his salad tossed by Mac – and then I black out as a defense mechanism.

  14. Joshua Norton

    McCain is morphing into something out of a Stephen King novel right before our very eyes. He’s got kind of a “Salem’s Lot” meets “Cujo” thing going for him there.

  15. Mr Blifil

    Has any politician in history ever sent out a fundraising appeal that went “if I am not reelected this year…?” Why stop there? “If my dick falls off from crotch rot, I can’t continue the important work of goat fucking that the people of this fair state saw fit to grant me.” “If I suffer a massive coronary, or debilitating stroke, I will have to appear on fewer Sunday morning shows pretending I matter, and my wife will continue boning the gardening staff…heh, I said staff…”

    The possibilities are endless.

  16. queeraselvis v 2.0

    NPR’s take this morning on the whole Republican mouthfrothing “OMG REPEAL HRC NOW” was hilariously succinct: little or no chance of that happening, and stupid move besides. In addition to, as well.

  17. chaste everywhere

    [re=537702]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Sad, ain’t it? Lots of us (myself included, more’s the pity) have done nothing but blast the guy for the last eight months or so–and we’re supposed to be on his side!

  18. Limeylizzie

    [re=537711]freakishlystrong[/re]: I know, isn’t that just everything that was fantastic about 2008? , I never tire of that photo, also the related gif is fantastic. Thanks for the laughs, Wonkette.

  19. Troubledog

    [re=537720]JMP[/re]: I would marry Cindy McCain tomorrow morning if she’d have me. My dream is to spend the rest of my days knocking the bottom out of a wealthy drunken cougar, and potentially her daughters, while I pretend to be working on my novel.

  20. SayItWithWookies

    Welcome to the way down, Senator. I know you thought this path only went up — but then you start thinking with your dick, run for president on death panels and “he pals around with terrorists,” and the next thing you know you’re fighting for your political survival with some glorified used-car salesman who thinks vaccines are an evil plot to make us stupid, while your former supporters look on uncaring. It’s the political equivalent of waking up in a gutter with a fifth of Bowman’s Virginia Vodka in the plastic bottle under your arm.

  21. Aflac Shrugged

    McCain’s reelection comes down to a choice between him and former Representative J.D. Hayworth. In terms of policy outlook, it’s like the difference between a law establishing a hunting season for gays and the homeless, and a law establishing a hunting season for gays and the homeless that only allows hunters to use crossbows.

  22. Capricatony

    Poor old man, he still thinks he had a chance at winning the presidency. He should just let it go and be thankful we never had to find out what it would mean for a vice president to “go rogue.”

  23. freakishlystrong

    [re=537730]Crank Tango[/re]: Nuts then? As opposed to now? I remember just howling cuz he was just doddering around the stage, walking in to the camera, staggering across the shots of Hopey, I think it was Tweety? who couldn’t stop laughing.

  24. ella

    [re=537735]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Except for Bachmann, they’re not stupid enough to try to repeal the parts that help people (basically the whole bill) so they’re left with trying to repeal the scary tax parts that pay for it. Kinda like Dubya’s 8 years of “don’t pay as you go.” And that worked out really well for the country.

  25. Lucidamente

    J.D. Hayworth–he’ll make John Kyl seem like the smart senator from Arizona.

    fwiw, today is the anniversary of Patrick Henry’s “Give me liberty or give me death” speech–if you listen carefully you can hear him spinning in his grave as teabaggers everywhere recite it.

  26. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Of course, if McCain does lose his seat to Hayworth in November, the new guy will have zero seniority and no real pull. He’d be under Al Franken in the pecking order.

  27. GoinGreen

    [re=537740]Troubledog[/re]: You, Sir, have the type of ambition that we here at Feindem & Fuchim really look for – when can you start?

  28. JMP

    [re=537735]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: No chance of much, for starters, if the Republicans win every single Senate election this year, they’ll get 59 seats; they would need 67 to override a veto.

    [re=537734]Mr Blifil[/re]: Well of course Senator / Congressman X needs to be reelected; it’s not like there’s either dozens or hundreds of other representatives from the same party, fighting for the same issues.

  29. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=537737]chaste everywhere[/re]: I like the most recent version of Obama best, the one where he takes advice primarily from one N. Pelosi. I may be biased, though, as a skinny guy who prefers older, wiser, and self-assured women…

  30. Lucidamente

    [re=537750]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: “He’d be under Al Franken.” Uh, huh huh, under Al Franken.

  31. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=537749]Lucidamente[/re]: Which reminds me: I’m surprised there have been so few (any at all?) GOP-inspired suicides of teabaggers, wingnuts, &c so far.

    Or, God forbid, a RedStater burning down his own house before pulling an al-Qaeda on an empty IRS building.

  32. Ducksworthy

    Jebus this is truly pathetic. What happened? Did Cindy cut off the beer money? Because of the Geyhs? Can’t he sell one or two of his houses to get through this? Or does Cindy hold title to them?

  33. Crank Tango

    [re=537746]freakishlystrong[/re]: LOL yeah it was a special medicated kind of nuts, like just for the occasion. Like it turned him into a lizard. Maybe it was so he wouldn’t keep having donkey spells?

  34. norbizness

    McCain’s ’10 primary slogan: “If You Think I’m The Biggest Jerkoff in Arizona, You’ve Got Another Thing Coming”

  35. Troubledog

    [re=537751]GoinGreen[/re]: Right now I’m between projects AND single, so I can start tomorrow. I’ll throw the Hitachi Magic Wand and some ropes in my black bag and leave as soon as I get the address.

  36. Autoo

    Dear Sen. McCain,

    I have received your email requesting a campaign donation. As much as I’d like to help, this is not a good time for me, financially speaking. I won’t belabor you with the details, but suffice to say, right now food an shelter are top priority.

    Is there an online petition I could sign, perhaps? Maybe that would help.

    Sincerely,

    Dick Licker
    dicklicker@platosorgy.net

  37. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=537752]JMP[/re]: Exactly. Which begs the question: why is Cranky McPoopants wasting his time pursuing a clearly losing strategy? Oh, wait…

  38. Lucidamente

    [re=537766]norbizness[/re]: Slogan 9: I may be a jackass, but at least I’m not a retard.

  39. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=537744]Aflac Shrugged[/re]: I think this broad is running for McCain’s seat…

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gabrielle_Giffords

    …and if she is, I think she’s got a good chance against Hayworth. She’s certainly more telegenic, smarter, and less insane. That, and the wingnuts hate her: they tore up her office over the health care vote.

  40. Troubledog

    This thread is now about super-cougars and GMILFS. Are you 58? Still spending that settlement you got from your ex-husband? Do you have a personal trainer, fake boobs, botox, and a tan? Do you still have that nice little apartment in Manhattan?

    Nice to meet you. I’m a tortured artist working on my novel, it’s a novel about true love, I’d love to talk to you about it because I’m a, mmmmm…a Rockefeller. Ignore my german accent. I have been studying abroad.

  41. Lucidamente

    [re=537776]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Hope you’re right: Nate Silver gives the repugs a 96% chance of keeping the seat.

  42. JMP

    [re=537766]norbizness[/re]: You seem to forget that this is the REPUBLICAN primary; that’s actually Hayworth’s slogan (with a pronoun change).

    [re=537774]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: It’s almost as if he was a disingenuous hack pandering to the GOP base.

  43. Way Cool Larry

    [re=537732]GoinGreen[/re]: I think this was right before Obama ripped off McCain’s mask and revealed that he’s really an evil alien lizard…

  44. Rajul

    Isn’t whoever wins the Republican nomination going to win the Senate race? I’d rather have walnuts than a birther.

  45. JMP

    [re=537776]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Damn, despite being middle-aged, she’s pretty cute. And married to an astronaut; which means no one else except maybe a superhero has a shot.

  46. President Beeblebrox

    [re=537776]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: “She is the only member of the U.S. Congress who is a spouse of an active duty member of the US military.”

    HAW HAW SUCK IT SCOTT BROWN!!!1

  47. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=537786]JMP[/re]: this dirty cracker is no superhero but I’d certainly give it a shot

    for all that, though, she has a solid chance against Hayworth if she just smiles in a reassuring, reasonable way, which is the point.

  48. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=537780]Lucidamente[/re]: Yeah, but if I’m reading Silver right, he’s assuming WALNUTS! will keep the seat. I think Hayworth will knock him off. If WALNUTS! holds on, then I dunno.

  49. GoinGreen

    [re=537786]JMP[/re]: Yeah, but she’s a blue dog – which just means republican without the balls call Stu a baby killer!

  50. Cape Clod

    [re=537776]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]:.[re=537786]JMP[/re]: I promise you that if McCain loses the primary he swipe a page from his buddy Droopy Lieberman’s playbook and voila! The McCain for Arizona Party will be born.

  51. Lucidamente

    Here’s what the Minnesota AG (a democrat) replied:

    “The legislation in question still has to be signed by the President and reconciliation has yet to be passed by the Senate. The individual mandate does not go into effect until 2014. Our Office has not yet read and analyzed the 2,400 page bill that passed the House yesterday. The Attorney General’s Office operates in the legal arena and we are not going to make any legal comments until we have had the opportunity to review the 2,400 page bill.”

    I believe that is legalese for “go fuck yourself, Tim.”

  52. JMP

    [re=537791]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: As long as we can feel OK cheering against McCain, knowing we won’t be then necessarily getting a flat-out lunatic.

    [re=537801]Cape Clod[/re]: That depends on the Arizona law, though; most states prevent the Lieberman-style “I wanna do-ever” sour grapes independent run.

  53. GoinGreen

    [re=537814]Lucidamente[/re]: Texas AG Greg Abbott has already vowed to file suit – I imagine BEFORE even reading it, because he is a wingnut. It stands to reason that those who cannot read, do not.

  54. Ducksworthy

    [re=537785]Rajul[/re]: That would only be on the alternate days when Walnuts! is not a birther.

  55. Pooperazzi

    Be kind to the old flyboy. He could be replaced by a guy who is afraid we will all be marrying horses if he doesn’t step in and fix this marriage thing. JD Hayworth must be channeling Roy Rogers and Trigger – who was stuffed and mounted, by the way).

  56. Hooray For Anything

    I think what McCain means is that if he’s reelected, he’ll go fight for the right to appear on as many Sunday talk and talk about fighting to repeal HCR.

    [re=537709]JMP[/re]:Unfortunately, the best candidate to take him down was Janet Napolatino whose now the Deptartment of Homeland Security Head Honcho. That might not have been such a good move by Hopey. Same with Sebelius who could have flipped a seat in Missouri

  57. Gramps

    Gosh folks it seems hardly fair anymore, raggin’ on that olde geezer Johnnie Mac.

    Give the guy some slack, already…If you recall back during the campaign he had Holy Joe at his side to; nudge him in the ribs or tug on his elbow when he strayed off the ranch. It’s just him on his lonesome against the tea baggers now and that can bend an old man’s mind, real bad!

  58. Berkeley Bear

    [re=537823]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Just about lost it when I saw the state of MicroBucks (TM) was in the lawsuit. Good to know its just some assbag wasting the people’s money against their will. Although like all GOPers he apparently knows better than the voters what the “American People” want.

  59. mookworthjwilson

    [re=537698]Oblios Cap[/re]: If you do ever get one of those postage paid envelopes, send them back an envelope full of rocks…it costs them a freaking fortune…

  60. Berkeley Bear

    [re=537916]Hooray For Anything[/re]: I know all us flyover states look the same, but Sebelius was governor of Kansas, not Missouri (where it’s up to a member of the Carnahan clan to beat Blount). While Kathleen probably would have had a good shot at a pick up in Kansas, with Daschle getting punked out of HHS she was a real need pick up – and she’s been pretty awesome at beating the insurance companies up, since she knows how to speak their language.

    I’d actually lay dollars to donuts (yummy, yummy donuts) that Napolitano takes Kyl out the next time he’s up for re-election, especially if we get an immigration amnesty that makes the AZ electorate more brown than white. I don’t want to say any deals were made, because if they were Johnny didn’t honor them, but I think Obama may have tried to let the little asshole off lightly by tapping Janet for DHS.

    [re=537732]GoinGreen[/re]: Falling into the arms of his trollopy (copyright J. McCain)wife, a pretty clear indication of how he thought the night went.

    [re=537695]BeWoot[/re]: Your bench comment made me think of an old “two seater.” Maybe that’s how we can make Republicans more comfortable – just turn their whole section into the worlds biggest indoor outhouse, and they can just crap on America literally as well as figuratively.

  61. Troubledog

    The teabaggers hate Walnuts anyway but the cool thing is the messaging – sense of urgency, I will avenge you, it’s not too late if you send your money now.

    But how long before the rank and file teabaggers figure out that their so-called leaders are just brand identity people, attention whores, and huckster profiteer working the crowd? Such an apt metaphor for raising money by preying on the tent preacher vulnerable demographic.

    Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman certainly mean these people no good, and for chrissakes we may see the rise of Newt Motherfucking Gingrich? These people are so mad, they’d follow a looney like Breitbart who doesn’t even pretend that he likes them.

    To see the white people frothing at the mouths on those videos, I imagine what the civilized folk of Constantinople must have thought when the unwashed hordes of religion-infused white people started showing up in the neighborhood. It’s spectacular.

    All this talk of repealing the bill, or enacting legislation at the state level to block it. It’s a remarkable piece of fund raising. They can’t block this any more than we could have blocked Ashcroft’s Patriot Act. But to say they can is a good way to get money out of terrified simple white people. Especially if you send them a t-shirt.

    When Mr and Mrs Teabagger figure out that their so-called heroes are only working the crowd, the backlash will be spectacular. The schism will throw the so-called Conservative movement in the US back to Goldwater days. Then it will take a new Karl Rove to re-knit the terrified deity worshipers and the greedy rich people who thrive on exploiting them. And it will all repeat itself.

    In the meantime, if requiring insurance companies to cover children with pre-existing conditions and allowing your kids to stay on your insurance until they are 26 means we are a socialist country, send me a shirt.

  62. Sweet Baby Cheeses

    [re=537710]Chain Tattoo[/re]: I noticed that too, but judging by Walnuts’ reaction, mebbe he’s the one getting hit with the stars . . . out of Barry’s ass! I’m sure Obama haters have said that people act like he has rainbows coming out of his ass, so why not stars?

  63. Sweet Baby Cheeses

    [re=537947]Troubledog[/re]: Excellent observation and prediction. Someone get this man a cougar sugar mama, STAT!!

  64. Gramps

    On the fire button Troubledog…

    Limbaugh, Hannity, Beck, Levin and Bill’O, are prime examples of “conservative entertainers” that are now and will continue in the future; to reap commercial benefits for their own enrichment my stirring the pot of resentment and avarice amongst their listeners and viewers.
    “Conservative entertainers”, in it to enrich themselves…

    Say it ain’t so…Oh say it ain’t sooo…

    “Trouble,trouble,trouble…oh trouble!”

  65. Mad Brahms

    [re=537947]Troubledog[/re]: But this is ALWAYS about how politics has worked, and they’ll figure it out just in time to get fooled by someone else. I’ve pretty much given up on the masses suddenly discovering that it’s elite interests, not “darkies”, that are fleecing them, and that mammon-worshiping capitalism, not godless-communism, is their real enemy.

  66. sati demise

    Now that McCain has jettisoned all of his former ‘principals’, he may have a chance. Please, John, I beg of you, do not let JD win. Anything but that.

  67. JSDC007

    [re=538067]sati demise[/re]: Please, let the wingnut racist homophobe JD Hayworth win against this decrepit, homophobic, racist, wingnut in drag ageing gigolo. If JD wins the primary in AZ, even a lesbian, Mexican Armadillo in Conserva-Dem drag could beat him in the general.

  68. Troubledog

    You have to re-elect McCain so he can continue the fight for campaign finance reform otherwise the Supreme Court of the United States might make some ruling that allows corporations to buy unlimited ads or something hideously awful like that.

    Now, stroke my cock while you say that.

    I’m holding two sparklers.

  69. One Yield Regular

    Just when you think it’s no longer possible to read Mary Shelley’s “Frankenstein” in a new way, along staggers John McCain, hotly pursued by the teabagger THING he helped create.

  70. desertwind

    Poor Cindy. What if he loses and comes back home to live?

    Nah…. He’ll stay in DC. More convenient to getting on the teevee.

  71. Joey Ratz

    [re=537776]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Huh? She’s my congresscritter from down here in Tucson, and I’ve never heard about her challenging WALNUTS! Just as well – GG is a decent sort, but she has zero chance of replacing the old coot, as she has no profile or name recognition up in Phoenix.

    [re=537744]Aflac Shrugged[/re]: Well put. This really is a lose-lose election; I’m hoping they end up tied and spend the next year or so suing each other.

  72. Jukesgrrl

    [re=537776]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: [re=537786]JMP[/re]: [re=538390]Joey Ratz[/re]:
    Many of us hope the Democratic candidate for senator from Arizona will be Nan Stockholm Walden, V.P. and general counsel at Farmers Investment Co., Farmers Water Co., and The Green Valley Pecan Co. (a great firm that donated land on which local Green Valley philanthropists built a progressive social services provider). She spent 15 years as an environmental attorney and consultant. Former staffer for Dem Senators Bradley (Chief of Staff 1993-94) and Moynihan. Former assistant V.P. for Federal relations at the University of Arizona, former counsel to the Western Conference of State Legislators, former director of the Presidio Council, the group that advised the National Park Service on the future of the former Army base in San Francisco. B.A. in environmental studies with honors and distinction from Stanford and a J.D. from Stanford Law, president of Stanford Environmental Law Society.

    She’s popular with Democratic women statewide. Is seen as a successful entrepreneur as well as an effective attorney. Could be convinced to run if McCain is seriously damaged by Hayworth. Gabrielle Giffords won reelection to her House seat against an extreme conservative, but isn’t very popular with progressives (used to be a Republican and if you talk to her you can easily tell). She voted yes on healthcare reform, but wouldn’t commit until the last week. Rodney Glassman is a rich kid who’s spent a term on the Tucson city council and is threatening to run. He’s smart, but no one outside Pima County’s ever heard of him.

  73. AZ Righty

    I use to consider myself pretty liberal conservative, pretty conservative liberal…I was very, very hopeful when Obama took office, thinking times would be positive, the two sides could work together for the better of the Nation. I have since become a very strong Republican. Watching the government try and consume every part of our Nation makes me sick. Watching the government continue on the, ‘handouts’ from the rich, makes me sick. Watching the government work for themselves makes me sick. They are NOT working for the majority, they are working for the minority. John McCain, he works for the majority, it is by no accident he is in office, continues to work in office, and will be re-elected. He has the integrity and tenacity we need to fight this big spending government. ALL politicians ask for money, quit acting like he is the only one. JD is asking for money in his race so that he can pay old legal bills from Abramoff, at least McCain is asking for money to work for all of you!!!

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