oh boy

A Children’s Treasury Of National Review Online’s Most Comical Passages From The Past 24 Hours

Political scribes at National Review’s The Corner — the #1 Internet blog — have displayed a range of reactions to the passage of last night’s abortion mandate. Mark Steyn and John Derbyshire, for example, are pretty sure that the entire world (America) will start disintegrating into barbarism, Jonah Goldberg believes something about a super-collider (?), and Mitt Romney thinks that he isn’t really really screwed.

Mark Steyn:

If you take the view that the U.S. is an imperialist aggressor, congratulations: You can cease worrying. But, if you think that America has been the ultimate guarantor of the post-war global order, it’s less cheery. Five years from now, just as in Canada and Europe two generations ago, we’ll be getting used to announcements of defense cuts to prop up the unsustainable costs of big government at home. And, as the superpower retrenches, America’s enemies will be quick to scent opportunity.

Longer wait times, fewer doctors, more bureaucracy, massive IRS expansion, explosive debt, the end of the Pax Americana, and global Armageddon.

Well, if they have to cut the $300 billion F-35 joint striker program of a couple thousand planes that will never be used or even tested, maybe we should reconsider those affordability credits…

John Derbyshire:

It’ll be over soon. We’ll be down in the cold, lightless depths of imperial despotism — in which, after all, the great majority of human beings, throughout history, have always lived. It’s the natural way: liberty is an unstable temporary aberration. I once tried to compute the sheer quantity, in man-years, of lives lived under the despotic order — Egyptians and Assyrians, Persians and Chinese, Romans and post-Alexander Greeks, Incas and Aztecs, Umayyads and Abbasids, Ottomans and Zulus, Tsars and General Secretaries . . . as against humans in liberty, ruled by common consent. It came out at around a hundred to one.

FAP.

Mitt Romney:

His health-care bill is unhealthy for America. It raises taxes, slashes the more private side of Medicare, installs price controls, and puts a new federal bureaucracy in charge of health care. It will create a new entitlement even as the ones we already have are bankrupt. For these reasons and more, the act should be repealed. That campaign begins today.

Thanks for introducing us to this exact insurance reform model by the way, Mittens. (But seriously, does this end frontrunner Mitt Romney’s presidential bid, assuming Republicans still make this their lead primary issue in 2012? It’s *impossible* for him to lie his way out of this.)

Jonah Goldberg:

But on another level, this legislation is a superconducting super collider of culture-war conflagrations.

Jonah Goldberg:

But on another level, this legislation is a superconducting super collider of culture-war conflagrations.

Goldberg, Jonah:

But on another level, this legislation is a superconducting super collider of culture-war conflagrations.

[The Corner]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Hola wonkerados.

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1 comment

  1. V572625694

    It seems pretty clear that this Goldberg person has at best only a dim understanding of particle physics research equipment and its uses.

    Bet he knows how to fap into Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress, though.

  2. Marxist-Leninist Papist

    If only Derbyshire knew just how right he is, he wouldn’t be a right-wing asshole. But he doesn’t. so he is. One more counter-revolutionary for the turnstiles !

  3. V572625694

    By the way, Dame Peggy’s angry screed against “deem and pass” last Saturday now looks eerily…uh…stoopid.

    She did say Glenn Beck’s insane, though. So there was that.

  4. DP

    For Mark Steyn it’s apparently just a short ride on the slippery slope from longer wait times to global Armageddon.

    And when Saturday mail delivery is canceled–it’ll be zombies.

  5. grevillea

    Jeez, you guys, if the gummint doesn’t spend all its tax income plus huge amounts of borrowed munnies propping up the obscenely hypertrophied military-industrial complex, the economy will collapse and no-one will have jobs that they still can’t afford to buy insurance from the wages of. With.

  6. Trot Nixons Hat

    [re=537316]V572625694[/re]: I’d say, moreso, that he has a dim understanding of what happens when a national referendum is held on who Americans would like to have as Preznit, and what they would like said person to accomplish.

    It’s almost like they forgot that when they counted all of those votes, they actually COUNTED! Wacky.

  7. geminisunmars

    John Derbyshire, can you show us the steps you used to get to “It came out at around a hundred to one.” How did they phrase that in High School: show your work?

  8. SmutBoffin

    Jesus. J. Go has lost his words. Where before he was articulate and observant, now he is just pooping out random phrases about liberalgovernmentmoneyculture.

    The preceding comment contains one or more untruths.

  9. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Dear God. Imagine where this nation would be if someone had proposed an expansion of Head Start.

  10. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Longer wait times, fewer doctors, more bureaucracy, massive IRS expansion, explosive debt, the end of the Pax Americana, and global Armageddon.

    As everyone knows, the Roman Empire fell as soon as their Doctor’s wait times became greater than 20 minutes.

  11. SmutBoffin

    [re=537329]geminisunmars[/re]: The Derb is a maffamatician. He used Conservative Calculus, which was invented by Jesus, to prove that Hitler + HRC – (Ottomans + Zulus)^2 = 1/FREEDOM.

  12. Cape Clod

    Derbyshire must be really smart, because he quotes the names of ancient empires and it is absolutely impossible to make any fucking sense of what he’s talking about.

  13. populucious

    Xst, what would these people be Fapping if we’d actually passed a Single Payer healthcare plan?

    Overplaying their hand much?

  14. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    But on another level, this legislation is a superconducting super collider of culture-war conflagrations.

    What is the difference between Jonah Goldberg and a typing chimp?

    No snark. I really want to know.

  15. grevillea

    [re=537329]geminisunmars[/re]: Or as Sister-Mom phrased it in home skool: “Near as dammit, time for coon skinnin’.”

  16. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=537343]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Circumcision? I’m just guessing, I don’t look at monkey dicks. that much

  17. The Lucky Wife

    Refreshing that Derbyshire compared last night’s vote to the Egyptians, et al rather than to the Nazis or the Soviets like cons usually do.

  18. Hooray For Anything

    Oh noes! We’ll be like Canada or Europe! Oh heavens forfend! We’ll have to listen to bad dance music and care about soccer and live in clean cities with great public transportation! We’ll even have to live in a country where they keep religion out of their government! Oh noes!

    And Derbyshire’s post is just crying for a “Life of Brian” quote. You know the one.

  19. MOG

    [re=537337]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Too late, I have insurance and already wait three months just for an appointment. Time for the Rapture!

  20. Cookie Guggelman

    [re=537349]Hooray For Anything[/re]: It will be especially bad if we end up like Italy — think of the food! Think of the bambini!

  21. Marxist-Leninist Papist

    Hey Capitalist apologist Lard-Brain Bitchers, you only need to look in the mirror to see the real reason freedom has been such a fleeting reality in history. Then take a good look at your corporate plantation owners, their part of that grand mystery as well; then contemplate your hireling politicos you idolize, for the secret lies in them; then get down on your god dam knees and weep, you faux-intellectual lap dogs.

  22. yargisbargis

    [re=537349]Hooray For Anything[/re]: “Egyptians and Assyrians, Persians and Chinese, Romans and post-Alexander Greeks, Incas and Aztecs, Umayyads and Abbasids, Ottomans and Zulus, Tsars and General Secretaries….” cats and dogs, living together without the sanctity of marriage….

    Oh wait is that from Ghostbusters?

  23. comicbookguy

    [re=537355]yargisbargis[/re]: As a bipartisan concession, Pelosi allowed Republicans to choose the form of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man

  24. brown_recluse

    [re=537353]Cookie Guggelman[/re]: I have an Italian friend who tells me that every time an Italian couple gets married, their friends and family throw them a huge party and give them a machine that automatically stirs risotto. I say let the Europeanification commence!

  25. Scandalabra

    Isn’t John Derbyshire a distant cousin of Peggy Noonington? I think I remember that from Trollope’s “The Way We Live Now.”

  26. geminisunmars

    [re=537349]Hooray For Anything[/re]: I love how they sneer about Canada and Europe, and I’m willing to bet they’ve never set foot in either. Or if they have, they stayed at the Holiday Inn and never left their rooms except to use the pool and amurkin restaurant.

  27. grevillea

    [re=537335]Potater[/re]: They don’t want to get sucked into the vortex of his collapsed black hole?

  28. Gopherit

    Jesus Christ. Didn’t anyone ever tell Derbyshire that quoting Heinlein for political or sociological issues can cause immediate convulsions in those of us in the reality-based community?

  29. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=537349]Hooray For Anything[/re]: I REFUSE to sit out at a sidewalk cafe and drink diabolo menthes. They’re green, and they taste like mouthwash. Fucking French.

  30. sati demise

    Defense cuts would cheer me up considerably.
    Bring them all home and enroll the soldiers in the Red Cross, Amnesty International and Green Peace!

  31. NYNYNY

    Somewhere in America, someone is finding semen at work. And they needs a government abortion.

  32. Marxist-Leninist Papist

    [re=537378]chowkster[/re]: Benevolent, Benevolent, all the way. Because Mr.White Anglo-Saxon man knows best.

  33. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=537349]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Oh and lets not forget the socialist Europeans and their strong healthy currencies, high standards of living/quality of life, and skinny bodies. Who needs that shit.

  34. grevillea

    [re=537363]brown_recluse[/re]: Or in the more backward regions, a wizened peasant woman named Romola with a large wooden spoon.

  35. kth

    I don’t laugh at Jonah anymore, not since he got a million dollar advance for his next hundred pages of dried jizz. That’s about as gangster as it gets.

  36. nappyduggs

    Re: Mr. Derbyshire’s comments:

    Given the history of this country, all I can say to you is, put on your chicken-fuckin’ suit because it sounds like a whole hell of a lot of those babies are comin’ home to roost.

    Git it!!!1!!

  37. Hooray For Anything

    [re=537353]Cookie Guggelman[/re]: I know, we’d eat Italian food and drink wine all day and then drive around in our Vespas. The horror! We’d even get a President who has orgies with 20 year old models and nobody would try to impeach him for crimes against Jesus.

    The other stupid thing about all this is that Steyn says Europe couldn’t sustain an Empire because it was too expensive and draws the retarded conclusion to it. He also forgets to mention that part of the reason none of those countries have an Empire anymore is because they realized killing millions of people wasn’t a good idea

  38. grevillea

    “Somewhere in America, you’ll find Siemens answers at work.” Well, that’s mighty helpful when I need to call. I need a phone number, not a fucking haiku. Assholes.

  39. honkyman

    I’m pretty sure we’re going to be living under Zulu rule for the next several centuries. But fear not. I once played the Zulus vs. the Ottomans in Age of Empire: Der Untergang des Abendlandes, and apart from the female circumcision things went pretty well.

  40. Cape Clod

    “But on another level, this legislation is a superconducting super collider of culture-war conflagrations.”

    Uh, it’s a state of the art, finely tuned instrument that demonstrates what an advanced society we are, right? I thought you were against it. Bad analogy. Also.

  41. Marxist-Leninist Papist

    [re=537398]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Not to mention many of them dark hued Negroids and the yellow hordes booted most of the bloody crackers right back to the motherland. You know, back in the 50′s,60′s,70′s, those crazy,hippie decades.

  42. prizepig

    The best thing about healthcare reform (except saving those lazy cancer people from financial ruin) is watching the Right further disintegrate into paranoid, impotent rage.

    People say that 2010 is going to be a landslide for the GOP. I’m not so sure.

  43. x111e7thst

    [re=537349]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Many drugs will be decriminalized and prostitution legal.Oh the horror.

  44. Another DC Lawyer (Again)

    80 to 1…. 90 to 1….who am I forgetting…got the Assyrians, who can forget the Incas…add in the Ruskies….oh, right the Umayyads! Always forgetting those Ummayyads! Fuck off back to England Derbyshire! God damn illegal immigrant…exactly what’s wrong with this country…

  45. wilbro

    Derbyshire is such a rube. It’s way higher than 100 to 1. He forgot Mordor and FDR and the entire Paleolithic era. Seriously, that blew. Only stone tools. No currency. People had to ban together and work without wages or bartered goods and services and shit. Very socialism like.

  46. Cookie Guggelman

    [re=537363]brown_recluse[/re]: I went to a real Italian wedding in Italy a few years ago (not a fakey Italian “destination wedding”) and I think they’re still eating.

  47. Cookie Guggelman

    [re=537398]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Still, I’ll take American tee vee over what’s on RAI 1, 2, 3, 4 …..

    But where’s my vespa?

  48. V572625694

    [re=537366]Scandalabra[/re]: No, he’s related to Scrubi the election fixer in the Palliser novels.

  49. yargisbargis

    [re=537417]Cookie Guggelman[/re]:Listen, you can get your Vespa and still watch NCIS and Lost in Italian with the same 4 dubbed voices…ok but they have internet.

  50. imissopus

    Well Jonah, those are all English words, and they are ordered in a way that indicates that they are indeed a sentence, but I still have no idea what the fuck you’re saying.

  51. Radiotherapy

    Mark Steyn, whY does he spell his name that way?
    And what “post-war” is he talking about? the WW1, Vietnam, Cold, Balkans, Iraq….Wait aren’t we still AT WAR.
    I knew the best part of HCR is this kind of foment from these clowns. Keep it comin’.

  52. smellyal8r

    Here’s what I don’t get. I thought the Republicans were the party of super business innovators who can make money from anything (subprime mortgages come to mind). You mean to tell me that they can’t make a LOT of money off of a NEW health care system? Why aren’t they storming the ramparts of the Senate demanding this thing pass once and for all? Oh, right, because it’s a win for Obama.

  53. Hopey dont play that game

    Jonah G. is a computer program I created in the 90′s that “writes a column” by filling the slots in mad libs using a random word generator.

  54. Hooray For Anything

    [re=537414]wilbro[/re]: The dinosaur era was pretty rough too what with all those God-loving, freedom loving dinosaurs being under the yoke of Tyrannosaurus Rex oppression

  55. Jukesgrrl

    Three cheers for Socialism! Let’s drop off the kids at The People’s Daycare and go over to Macy’s for some of those free cashmere sweaters they’re passing out. I would also like to put in my dibs to share Comrade Condi’s shoes and Comrade Ivanka’s jewelry as soon as I my government-paid facelift heals. Everyone’s welcome at my house tonight for borscht and black bread. Bring your own vodka.

  56. Zadig

    [re=537349]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Jesus, that sounds pretty badass! Why wait for America to change? I’ll just move now.

  57. mcc

    “But on another level, this legislation is a superconducting super collider of culture-war conflagrations.”

    Wait. WAIT! This is actually an EXCELLENT metaphor for health care reform! Jonah Goldberg does not realize what a wonderful metaphor he has constructed because he doesn’t know anything about supercolliders.

    The Superconducting Supercollider was a Clinton-era disaster that broke down amidst massive waste and incompetence. There was a lot of energy and excitement about it at first, but the people responsible for constructing it couldn’t quite get their stuff together, months dragged on, the huge amount of resources poured into it became harder and harder to justify and eventually they just had to pull the plug on the whole project. Once pulled it was a huge boondoggle that set back physics ten years. A huge number of people had been very much depending on that thing being finished, and when it turned out it would never happen, after so much energy and time had been poured into it, physics as a whole had trouble regaining its footing.

    Well, except that was the Clinton era. Time has passed and now we’ve built a NEW particle accelerator, the Large Hadron Collider, and it’s going to do all the things the Superconducting Supercollider was supposed to have done if it had ever been built. It’s actually not as large as the Superconducting Supercollider but it does what we need it to. And unlike the Superconducting Supercollider it was FINISHED and it actually WORKS. There *was* an accident in the final stages of testing the first go round that set back the go-live date a bunch of months, but that got dealt with and finally the whole thing went live in the last few weeks. Because of the way colliders work it’s going to take a few years after we power the thing on before we start seeing real results, but once that period is out of the way we’re expecting a number of things in physics theories that physicists have been unable to deal with for 40 years, like the electroweak symmetry breaking mystery, to finally be fixed. And now nobody cares about what went wrong in the Clinton era, everyone is just excited and happy to finally have things moving again.

  58. JMP

    Well, Steyn and Derbyshire are right. This is just like the end of the Roman Republic, when the leaders’ increasing ignoring of domestic concerns in favor of foreign wars of conquest lead to the end of democracy in favor of tyranny and the empire, which is actually the opposite of Derbyshire’s claims and in fact what some of us feared in the last administration. Steyn now is hopefully right; he just shows himself to be evil opposing the unequivocal goods of expanding the welfare state and getting rid of our ridiculously large military budget and attempts to bully the rest of the world.

  59. Marxist-Leninist Papist

    [re=537432]mcc[/re]: Wow, that was a mind blowing exegesis of the hidden wisdom of stupidity. Your mind can turn excrement into gold, my man. Use it wisely.

  60. JMP

    [re=537427]Hooray For Anything[/re]: You don’t quite have the pathology of the Republicans right. That problem then would have been the tyranny of the Triceratops who fought the righteous masters among the Tyrannosauruses, instead of lying down and waiting to be eaten, as is proper for a herbivore.

    [re=537432]mcc[/re]: And the Large Hadron Collider was built by those socialistic Europeans, fixing the mess that we Americans had left.

    Or else both were screwed by Higgs Bosons traveling back through time to prevent their own existence.

  61. ManchuCandidate

    Hee hee, Jonah’s neurons shorted out.

    As for Derbyshire and Steyn. Both of them fled socialist nations with universal HC (brit brit and Canada City respectively.) Where will they go now? I’m hoping they’ll join Dumbfuckistan when the South rises and decides to leave Uncle Sugar.

    They’ll fit right in. Especially Steyn snd his faux Irish aristocratic roots. He’s used to making up an accents for a boy from Hamilton…

  62. smellyal8r

    One more thing…how come all the heat has come from states run by Repubs? Don’t states run by Dems face the same set of facts as Repub states? I can’t believe that Martin O’Malley or Ed Rendell are that muzzled by the Obama machine to not say anything (or even guys out west who are far outside the beltway). I mean I know with the Chornhusker Cornholing and all that there were some states “taken care of” but not all of them.

  63. geminisunmars

    [re=537410]Another DC Lawyer (Again)[/re]: [re=537414]wilbro[/re]: And he forgot the Cylons.

  64. Hutch

    What about these threatened lawsuits by states’ attorneys’ general? If this gos to the Supreme Court, what do you think will happen? No snark. Sorry. But I LOVE yours.

  65. honkyman

    Aux guillotines, mes citoyens!! First the spankings, and then the oral sex.

    Dame Noonington shall be first to the tumbrils.

  66. Jukesgrrl

    [re=537428]Cookie Guggelman[/re]: You know if you break your leg while in Italy, a doctor who looks just like Giancarlo Giannini will fix it right up and not charge you a dime. He’ll say, “You’re welcome in our country, tourist, and we’ll take care of you while you’re here.” Happened to a friend of mine who tripped over an ancient cobblestone on a road that still worked perfectly fine even though it was built during the time of Jesus or Gina Lollobrigida or something.

  67. Marxist-Leninist Papist

    Has anyone noticed before that Joker Teddy is WAY scarier than Joker Hopey ? Maybe its just me.

  68. Hooray For Anything

    [re=537442]JMP[/re]: Good point. Tyrannosaurus Rex did keep all the other dinosaurs safe and free from the Commie Velociraptors. Sure, it often involved the eating of the occasional triceratops but it was all done to keep them safe

  69. sati demise

    [re=537453]Marxist-Leninist Papist[/re]: you are not alone.

    thank you overlords for reading these columns so we do not have to.

  70. Oldskool

    Pearls of wisdom like that are what they get for plying their trade in an echo chamber; echoes.

  71. Hemp Dogbane

    [re=537432]mcc[/re]: nice post. My friend works on that thing. I think he broke it. They’re no doubt making room for Jonah on the staff.

  72. Extemporanus

    [re=537432]mcc[/re]: Thanks for that.

    Now, if you could please explain the physics behind K-Lo’s Large Softon Collider, it would be greatly appreciated.

    On second thought…

  73. Come here a minute

    Funny that a “business” guy like Mitt Romney doesn’t know what bankrupt means.

  74. JooJoo Bee

    Mr. Goldberg, I knew Spiro Agnew. Spiro Agnew was a friend of mine. Mr. Goldberg, you’re no Spiro Agnew.

  75. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=537467]Come here a minute[/re]: bankrupt is what a business is four years after Bain is done with ‘em and Romney’s off to the Olympics to get his chicken choked.

  76. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=537464]Extemporanus[/re]: Simple: you put the Hitachi Magic Wand in the front aperture, and the backside goes all jiggly wiggly like at the chiropractor’s office.

  77. Sparky McGruff

    [re=537339]SmutBoffin[/re]: Strangely enough, when you solve for FREEDOM in conservative calculus, you always find out that it’s a hyperbolic function that rapidly approaches zero.

  78. imissopus

    [re=537343]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: My guess is about three hundred pounds and a fondness for chocolate eclairs. Though perhaps chimps like pastries.

    Also if K-Lo sat on a chimp’s face she would crush its skull. Aaaaaaand I’ve just thrown up in my mouth a little.

  79. Mad Brahms

    As someone who lives in Canada, I can understand the worry. It’s terrible here; one never knows when the evil despots who rule this frigid land will find out about your love for liberty and ship you off to the poutine mines, never to be seen or heard from again. Just awful.

  80. PAbitter

    [re=537337]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: What doctors are you going to, that only make you wait 20 minutes? Am I the only one who realizes that you already have to wait for a few hours to get health care, even if you have magical free market insurance?

  81. RPolanski

    Remember when the mighty Incan and Aztecan empires crumbled under the weight of health care reform? Such a shame. They coulda’ been contenders.

  82. S.Luggo

    [re=537476]imissopus[/re]: I trust that you are speaking of the Old Testament parable of Jonah and the Whale.

  83. ManchuCandidate

    [re=537483]S.Luggo[/re]:
    Based on Jonah’s photos, I thought it was Jonah IS the Whale.

    My bad.

  84. Red Zeppelin

    SCENE: 7:00 AM MONDAY MARCH 22, THE BEDROOM OF A TOWNHOUSE IN WASHINGTON, DC’S CAPITOL HILL NEIGHBORHOOD

    Boner: Oh my gawd, Lindsay, what the hell did I have to drink last night?!!

    Graham: Just your usual bourbon and carrot juice, John, but don’t you remember what happened? How we got that thing jammed down our throats?

    Boner: It’s coming back to me….

    Graham: No, before that…what the Demrats did! Using fancy parliamentary tactics to allow an up or down vote on that socialist health care bill!

    Boner: Oh, yeah. I can’t believe it! How could they do something in defiance of the Catholic bishops, not to mention Rush?

    Graham: Damn, those bishops are our friends. They even understand how some of our caucus might be members of NAMBLA—it didn’t bother them at all!

    Boner: Yeah, and despite our tea party brothers and sisters. I mean, you hear those rappers call each other nigger all the time, and nobody cares! It’s RACIST to blame those real Americans for saying the same thing, and maybe for threatening to kill one or two of the coons and fags.

    Graham: And that damn Pelosi, with her “historic gavel.” That really burns my balls.

    Boner: Yeah, speaking of which, I have a burning sensation too.

    Graham: And you know what really gets me? Now with this health care “reform,” not only are insurance stocks going into the toilet, but it really will bring millions of new people into the system, including a lot of coons and mescans. Can you IMAGINE having to sit in a waiting room with THEM?

    Boner: Hey, Lindsey, that’s brilliant!

    Graham: What is?

    Boner: That’s our new tactic! We can’t outright say nigger because the msm will call us “racists” (air quotes). But we can use code words: like “overburdening” the system and “overcrowding” in hospitals and doctor’s offices. Our people will know what we’re talking about.

    Graham: Yeah, it worked for Reagan!

    Graham and Boner: Reagan! Mein Fuhrer!

    (Graham begins to take the curlers out of his hair, looking thoughtfully out the window).

    FADE

  85. tranch coat

    [re=537343]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: “What is the difference between Jonah Goldberg and a typing chimp?”

    One is an ape with a keyboard and the other is intimately acquainted with Lucianne Goldberg’s vagina.

  86. Advocatus_Diaboli

    but is there enough insurance to cover the catastrophic costs of a super hardon collider?

  87. Joshua Norton

    She did say Glenn Beck’s insane, though. So there was that.

    Sooo has anyone expressed horror over the fact that the vote was held on a Sunday during the non-Mormon season of Lent? Or was that one pretty much DOA?

  88. NYNYNY

    I actually really thought Derbyshire was just a new wonkette nickname for Noonan. OMG, if I met someone named Derbyshire in real life, I would kick their ass.

  89. coolcatdaddy

    I’m not making up my mind on how I feel about the health care bill until neck beard chimes in from the NY Times. He’ll connect with Jeebus somehow.

  90. cheeto_jeebus

    [re=537489]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: I hear that if you use a shake weight regularly you won’t pull a muscle or hurt yourself dealing with one of those.

  91. El Pinche

    Two things:
    1) Where’s my man Michael Steele on all this?

    2) And when does Rush Limpballs move to Costa Rica ?

  92. S.Luggo

    [re=537484]ManchuCandidate[/re]: K-Lo thanks you.

    [re=537481]RPolanski[/re]: The downfall was due to the Aetna health care insurance program that the Conquistadores brought over. The chief Aztec and Incan pre-existing condition became: no more gold to be plundered, fuck it. Consequence: Glenn Beck. Yet the Aztecs and Incans died free from the yoke of Marxism. It’s in all the history books.

  93. DC Hates Me

    Derbyshire .. not as poetic as the Hamlet soliloquy, nor as dramatic as the Planet of the Apes “You maniacs … damn you all the hell!”

  94. Lucidamente

    Everybody knows that “Mark Steyn” is comic character invented by Mark Leyner–no real Canadian could be that fuckin’ stoopid.

  95. Fuck Toad

    Because of this bill, the next Hitler, from America, will be able to afford treatment for his syphilis. And then he will take over the ENTIRE WORLD with his clear mind.

    Thanks a lot, libs!

  96. S.Luggo

    [re=537501]El Pinche[/re]:
    “And when does Rush Limpballs move to Costa Rica?”
    Well established principles of subduction plate techtonics would seem to forbid this. Nonetheless, the Costa Rican coast guard is on alert. Shoot to harpoon.

  97. Hooray For Anything

    [re=537486]Jumping Jim[/re]: Soccer becoming our national game will be official starting Tuesday as it’s been secretly tucked into the reconciliation bill. Starting Wednesday, Football will be called soccer so soccer can be called football, soccer rioting will be taught in High School, and the Yankees will have to change their name to Yankees United.

  98. heathenish

    [re=537426]Hopey dont play that game[/re]: I love MadLibs – hey!,is that another name for Wonketters? Anyway I love MadLibs, but that game you wrote…not so much.

  99. Bearbloke

    [re=537347]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Really you don’t, mate? Then why did you post this?

    [re=537501]El Pinche[/re]: “And when does Rush Limpballs move to Costa Rica?”
    As soon as The NAMBLA Party wins control of the Parliament, sweetness…

    [re=537479]Mad Brahms[/re]: NOT TRUE!!!1!! We grateful subjects of IMPERIUM BRITTANTICA, who are Blessed with the Privilege of being allowed to live under the Sublime and Awe-Striking Grace of Our Divinely-Appointed Mother-Goddess, The Imperial Majesty Queen Elizabeth II (D.G. REG. F.D. ) have all the liberty our Wonderful Queen provides for us, and we shall NEVER allow our minds to be CORRUPTED with scurrilous thoughts LIES concerning the farcical subject of Her Majesty’s representative doing anything that reflects badly on the precious freedoms that Her Majesty grants us, in Her infallible wisdom, as it pleaseth Her..

    Besides, serving in Her Majesty’s mining operations (for Poutine, Blood Diamonds, Corgis, etc) is a quite honourable activity…

  100. SayItWithWookies

    Jonah Goldberg has been hoist on his own perfect storm of inept metaphors. But it was obvious from the first sentence that it was going to be good. When someone starts an essay with “The Left, since the 1960s, has been the aggressor in the culture war,” you know you’ve struck a rich vein of stupid. Jonah goes on to show complete ignorance of why the rich and complacent are never trying to overturn the cultural status quo.

    He graduates to “Culture wars erupt because liberals urge expansion of the size and scope of the government…” As though expanding government were some sort of end in itself. Beck and the others do this too — as though at our their secret cabals they were plotting devious strategies to make the government bigger. Jonah even admits that something good, like civil rights, comes from this once in a while — but only as a collateral benefit to the pernicious plot to have government run the world. I don’t know about you, but if I wanted to make the government bigger I’d start an unnecessary and endless war, then go about manufacturing a police state. And I’d use lots of contractors to make it appear less ominous. But that’s just me.

    Then he just whines that this legislation has now shifted the debate from whether healthcare should be universally available to its quality and scope. And for the icing on the cake he whines about not being able to bitch about it. As though he’d done any fucking other thing for the last fourteen months. It’s the petulant snotty bleat of an entitled autocrat who’s had his twelve-year-old slave boy taken away. But to me, right now, it sounds like the London Philharmonic ripping through the Ode to Joy.

  101. Marxist-Leninist Papist

    [re=537518]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Please sir, have some mercy on the master race of capitalist awesomness. Have some heart. Give the buggers some tax cuts, bailouts, subsidies, whatever the poor sobs need.

  102. Capitol Hillbilly

    OK Jim Newell, game on – the Republicans are dedicated to the proposition that it is NEVER “impossible” to lie one’s way out of anything.

  103. Tuna Industry Payback

    More like the Oscillating Orbital Observatory of Asinine Alliterative Annihilation.

  104. S.Luggo

    In the list of tyrannical hegemonies, Dame Lady Derbyshire slyly excludes the NFL players union, the Federalist Society, WalMart, Disneyworld Europe, the Palatine states, Comcast and Hello Kitty.
    I shall never believe again.

  105. obfuscator

    [re=537518]SayItWithWookies[/re]: bravo to you. i am very amused by goldberg’s framing of the civil rights act, medicare and the new deal as parts of The Culture War. “the liberals want government to be so big that constitutional protections extend to blacks, women and poor people!”

  106. PickneyPinchback

    we’ll be getting used to announcements of defense cuts to prop up the unsustainable costs of big government at home.

    Oooooh, promise?

  107. Holding Out for a Hero

    “But on another level, this legislation is a superconducting super collider of culture-war conflagrations.”

    Is he going for a triple-word score in Scrabble? What the ever-lovin’ fuck does that even mean?

  108. obfuscator

    [re=537528]S.Luggo[/re]: you forgot to include the federal government employee CADDYLACK insurance plan that subsidizes john boner’s tanning booth sessions and jammakain’s viagra prescription.

  109. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=537506]Fuck Toad[/re]: Because of this bill, the next Hitler, from America, will be able to afford treatment for his syphilis. And then he will take over the ENTIRE WORLD with his clear mind.

    He would, too, except with the drugs and psych therapy he’s getting with socialized health care, the next Hitler will a bassist in a Coldplay tribute band, who spends all his other spare time as a self-styled stud on Second Life, or as a warrior figure on some MMORPG. Also he’ll be a balding accountant from Des Moines, divorced, one extremely spoiled overweight kid he gets to see every other weekend.

    His clear mind is going to be too busy to be taking over any actual worlds.

  110. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=537480]PAbitter[/re]: FUN FACT! I have never waited more than 15 minutes to see my current doctor! (I suspect he’s not very popular; he’s a very strange dude).

    FUN FACT ALSO! My doctor was a physicist employed by the superconductor supercollider project before it went tits up and he decided to become an M.D.

    Other fun facts about my doctor: because of his physics background, I suspect he’s much more interesting than people give him credit for, but people can’t understand anything he says beyond “Get more exercise. And cut back on sodium, for Pete’s sake. Scale back the alcohol to not more than one drink a day.” Also, he commutes by bicycle, and I very nearly ran him over in my Camry one day when he ran a stale yellow light in front of me when I was turning left.

    Anyway, that’s the sort of thing that counts as fun facts in our small town. That and the annual Crab Festival.

  111. S.Luggo

    [re=537533]obfuscator[/re]: Tanning booth? Bo-bo employs 200 illegal Mexicans with BIC lighters to achieve his tangerine glow. Is that exploitive? As Milton Friedman would say, they have the freedom to choose … to be deported or not. Up to them.
    Libertarianism means never having to say you’re sorry.

    Do you get a hint that I have a slight antipathy towards Milt?

  112. SayItWithWookies

    [re=537530]obfuscator[/re]: Goldberg probably defines the culture wars as the steady erosion of pure free-market capitalism from the 1890s on. Any earlier and you run into the awkward slavery thing, yet it’s sufficiently far back in time to be clouded by ignorance and hero-worship (okay, so is last week, but I digress).

    But this whole idea that liberalism vs. conservatism is a struggle over the abstraction of how big government ought to be, with the style of government having no bearing on the ultimate outcome — that for some reason larger government leads to death camps, massacres, enforced ideological purity whereas small governments don’t ever — this is the idiotic corner into which he’s painted himself with that whole Liberal Fascism bullshit. And yet this is the sort of fuckhead who defends Pinochet because he saved Chile’s economy (I swear, that’s his defenders’ biggest line) while President Obama is some sort of threat to civilization as we know it.

  113. Mr Blifil

    I once tried to compute the number of teabaggers drawn to opportunities for furious ball sucking compared to those drawn by concern for the Constitution. Came out about 100 to 1.

  114. sati demise

    [re=537541]SayItWithWookies[/re]: it seems the ‘conservatives’ always blame the ‘liberals’ for doing things only the ‘conservatives’ would do while in power.
    Liberal fascism? Is it opposite day?

  115. obfuscator

    [re=537541]SayItWithWookies[/re]: liberals have passed a modest regulation bill that addresses discrepancies and bad faith practices in the private insurance market! it’s just like hitler’s attack on pearl harbor!!!1!!

  116. obfuscator

    [re=537546]sati demise[/re]: liberals spend all your money so your children can have medical care. conservatives spend all your money so they can send your children to get dismembered by an ied in iraqistan.

  117. Oh hell to the no

    But didn’t Mittens Romney sign off on something very similar when he was governor of Massachusetts? WTF?!

  118. zoink

    In Spain the de riguer appliance wedding gift is a deep fryer…And they have true national health care and a Socialist Government.

  119. Bearbloke

    On the subject of prime examples of Reich-wing human waste, does anyone know if Rush Shitsack has made his way to the boy-brothels of Costa Rica, as he promised on that propaganda screed of his? Or was that just another worthless lie from his fat filthy gob?

    I hear there’s a movement to send him a oneway ticket, but I won’t contribute until I am assured it will be coated with weaponised Anthrax inside its delivery envelope.

  120. Bearbloke

    [re=537541]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Well – Obama IS a Neegro… and quite Uppity, also…

    [re=537537]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Does everyone in your town get crabs at this festival?

  121. gurukalehuru

    Bring on the culture war conflagrations! I’ve been waiting for the 60s to come back. Had to happen eventually.

  122. artpepper

    Have the Republicans actually maxed out their rhetoric for what is essentially Romneycare?

    At what point does it start to sound like “blah blah socialism blah blah Hitler blah blah n_____ blah blah Maoism Weather Underground ACORN blah blah Book of Revelation hopey-changey”?

    Because I’m thinking at this point the Democrats could pass single-payer and the GOP response would be more of the same and nobody would actually notice…

  123. S.Luggo

    [re=537537]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Yupe. Fun facts.
    FUNFACTS:
    After I was taken by ambulance to the ER for congestive heart failure at 10 pm on Feb. 7th, 2010, the third thing the staff did after sticking an oxygen mask over my face, and THEN asking me to list my meds (response: mumble; can’t speak, can’t speak; dry; need water; please give me water; no water), was to ask me for my insurance card. I was taken to the ER in my pajamas, but still had my crappy parka on. With a wallet. They found an out-dated insurance card and admitted me. Spent the next three and half days there. Not Medicare or Medicaid eligible. Because the bills have started to come, I would be shitting bricks had I not found my new insurance card, despite the large deductible. But at least this isn’t socialism

  124. sati demise

    [re=537559]S.Luggo[/re]: glad you made it out alive….congrats! take care, well done.

    [re=537558]artpepper[/re]: I wish the Republicans would try to send the bill back to the House on a technicality,
    then the Senate gets so pissed off they just cold say, well,
    if we have to send it back to the House again, lets just fuckin’ add on the public option at the same time.
    Now that would be a good time.

  125. Starrigavan

    Good god, don’t they teach civics any more?

    More Americans voted for Democrats

    Democrats vote for a bill

    The bill passes with a majority of votes.

    More Americans voted for Obama and he’s elected President

    Obama signs the bill into law

    This is what these numbnuts call despotism?

    And history? Don’t they teach history any more?

    Rome was at its height when the pagan Emperor Hadrian had his boy-toy Antinous deified. The city of Antinopolos was founded in his honor. Temples were built, statues carved. Rome was most powerful when it was liberal, pagan, and gay friendly. Rome fell after it became Christian, conservative, under-educated and bitter. Hope and Change beats You Betcha any day.

  126. Dolmance

    I love it when Obama skull fucks the Republicans. And nobody skull fucks Republicans better than our President.

    I love you Barrack Hussein Osama. You are my favorite skull fucker in the history of the Presidency. The more you fuck their skulls, the more miserable and unhinged they become. And the more miserable and unhinged they become, the better I feel.

    Wonkette, would you please show streaming video of Teabaggers crying? It gets me so fucking hot.

  127. SayItWithWookies

    [re=537559]S.Luggo[/re]: That’s shocking. They waited until you got to the ER before asking for your insurance card?! What province of Hippiestan do you live in? The last time I had a severe asthma attack, I think I gave the EMT my insurance card while I was in the ambulance.

    [re=537546]sati demise[/re]: I always think of it as projection. Or, as the Italians say, you don’t look behind the bedroom door unless you’ve been there yourself.

  128. Jim89048

    [re=537559]S.Luggo[/re]: Nice goin’, you escaped the death panel. Not as entertaining as carousel, but it’s all we have for now.

    Only time I was in an ambulance, the EMT’s removed my pants (and my wallet) with their awesomely sharp surgical scissors. I was in and out of consciousness, but I’m pretty sure they took my insurance info on the fly. I tried to include the cost of my pants in my deductible, no dice.

  129. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=537559]S.Luggo[/re]: SAY! That DOES sound like fun!

    [re=537554]Bearbloke[/re]: Does everyone in your town get crabs at this festival?

    If by “get crabs” you mean “eat crabs,” then by all means, YES, my friend! They get crabs in the mouth, you might say. And our Dungeness Crabs are even tastier than your paltry Moreton Bay Bugs you got down there down under, mate. Been there, done that, no comparison.

    (However, I do prefer the topless beaches of Australia to the picturesque, frigid beaches of my home locale, where the hot babes are more likely than not to wrapped up in a puffy down Eddie Bauer parka.)

  130. Nerdalicious

    S.Luggo:
    How are you doing? I hope you are better :). I say Fuck em. Let the hospitals, dr’s eat the cost. You might be on the list of states that are getting a large infusion of Medicaid money. You can always apply for hardship care to a hospital.

  131. Lascauxcaveman

    I know you guys love it, so here’s some more hawt sex action with that old crustacean slut, the Dungeness Crab:

    Upon locating an available female, the male initiates a protective pre-mating embrace that lasts for several days. In this embrace, the female is tucked underneath the male, oriented such that their abdomens touch and their heads face each other. Mating occurs only after the female has molted, and the female signals her readiness to molt by urinating on or near the antennae of the male.

    Oh, baby. Just don’t eat then in molting season. They taste pretty funky then.

  132. Jim89048

    [re=537571]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Face to face, just like the wolves? Sure sign of the apocalypse.

  133. S.Luggo

    [re=537566]Jim89048[/re]: [re=537569]Nerdalicious[/re]: [re=537562]sati demise[/re]: Thank you very much.

    After the BP returned to normal and I stopped gasping for air, I was released from the hospital on the Sunday after the big, early February snowstorm. Could done with another day’s recoup, but that did not seem to be in BC/BS cards. I guess that I should have put my cloven hoof down rather than rely upon the attending doc‘s passivity. Profits are profits.

    Trivial factoid: when I was a discharged from the hospital on Sunday afternoon , I had to wait for a cab to take me back to town. While waiting, I wandered into the ER waiting room. Packed, packed. No one bleeding or on gurneys or gaging up sputum. It occurred to me that the day-ER was the hospital’s major revenue center so long as insurers will pay (and raise premiums). But at least we live in a freemarket economy.

    Anyway, I hope that this is clear, this is not about me.

  134. Way Cool Larry

    [re=537432]mcc[/re]: so basically you’re saying JoGo’s “culture war” will break down and never amount to anything, and all money put into training conservatives for this health care battle will go to waste?

  135. WadISay

    [re=537423]Radiotherapy[/re]: We have always been at war with Eurasia. Mark Steyn must have Carmina Burana/Oh Fortuna playing on continuous loop.

  136. zhubajie

    If the US didn’t spend it’s time and money making enemies everywhere, we would not need to spend so much money on “defense.” “Defense” companies could actually make useful things! Or go out of business, to be replaced by companies making useful things.

  137. WadISay

    Isn’t the “superconducting super collider” thing a coded reference to the Illuminati in Angels and Demon[crat]s? Or was it the Ignoramii in Bring It?

  138. TGY

    Today, we are all superconducting toilet clogs in the cold, lightless depths of imperial plumbing: the proponents of a Flat Pax.

  139. Manos: Hands of Fate

    This whole health care thing sure did bring forward some leading candidates for political ass of the year, but I think Romney just nailed it for managing to combine stupid GOP rhetoric about Bolshevik tyranny along with the shameless hypocricy that comes from having passed the same exact bill eight years ago.

  140. libwakman

    But on another level, this legislation is a supercocking super dildoer of culture (Greek)-war confarterations.
    Makes as much freakin’ sense but one can jiggle their testicles to it.

  141. Prommie

    [re=537363]brown_recluse[/re]: Is this true? There exists a rissotto-stirring machine, and I do not have one? This offends my idea of an orderly universe, I must have this machine; will I have to go to Italy and marry an italian girl? Will she be dark and beautiful, like Sophia Loren, with flashing passionate eyes, loving and quick to please, but also quick to anger, with an old world tolerance of dalliances? Will this rissotto stirring machine bring so much change to my life?

  142. llibra

    [re=537565]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Wow, do the Italians really say that? That’s brilliant. A perfect thumbnail description of projection.

  143. Prommie

    [re=537537]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Doc sounds good, except his advice on the drinking thing. My psychiatrist is Doctor Wineglass, and he encourages maintenance of a steady B.A.C. of about .9, at all times, as a means to numb oneself to the world. In a crisis, I often call Dr. Martini, as well.

  144. Prommie

    [re=537563]Starrigavan[/re]: Rome fell, my friend, after starting a war with Persia, which lasted generations, and before it starved the empire, bankrupted the empire, caused the shift of the capital Constantinople and then then the division of the empire, it was also a longrunning slow motion military disaster, to the tune of like, several sitting emporers being killed or captured in battles in Persia. Utter humilation and rout.

    This Persia, this would be the Iran that these dipshits so want us to invade. This would be the place referred to in the saying “never get involved in a land war in asia.”

  145. Prommie

    [re=537571]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I catch soft-shell crabs of the callinectes sapidus variety, occasionally; it saddens me that I must interrupt them during sex, but so be it.

  146. Prommie

    [re=537559]S.Luggo[/re]: In my State, than heavens, it is illegal for the ER to ask you if you have insurance, or even to discuss payment or billing, until after treatment. Nice.

  147. Botswana Meat Commission FC

    I am interested in John Derbyshire’s ideas about history and would like to subscribe to his newsletter.

  148. brown_recluse

    [re=537518]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Wow. I’d like to know how you’d like to be attributed, because I’m going to post that everywhere.

  149. SayItWithWookies

    [re=537651]llibra[/re]: I hope Italians say it — I saw it attributed as an Italian saying a long time ago and have been using it ever since. And it’s a cultural legacy I can point to with some pride — unlike, say, Antonin Scalia or Silvio Berlusconi.

    [re=537729]brown_recluse[/re]: My handle is fine — I’d like to see SayItWithWookies on the Google autocomplete list.

  150. pdiddycornchips

    Wingnuts are positively unhinged about this. That’s comforting because if wingnuts are happy and content, that usually means we’re sticking a cattle prod in poor people or we’re bombing the shit out some brown folk somewhere.

  151. fork-wielding maniac

    holy shit! max headroom told the truth!

    “It… slashes the more private side of Medicare, installs price controls,”

    (has anyone told these m0rans that we want to slash the more private side of everything? i mean, what’s the point of exhuming teddy roosevelt [snicker] if we can’t have some full-on drab clothing, 100% taxation, state control of all industries, gruel, and a tsar to tell us how to live?)

    but then the world righted itself and mittens promptly followed it with his typical max headroom bullshit:

    “and puts a new federal bureaucracy in charge of health care.”

    someone show me where the creation of the department of god and money is authorized by this bill?

  152. BerkeleyFarm

    [re=537550]Oh hell to the no[/re]: I think Mittens is banking on “Two years is an eternity in politics”. There’s also the fact that the Rs have a pretty weak bench at the moment.

    Once the baggers start reaping the benefits, it will be like Medicare – nobody will want to touch it.

  153. BerkeleyFarm

    [re=537563]Starrigavan[/re]: I don’t think it is taught that way in the birther/homeschooler version. You know, the one where that freethinker Thomas Jefferson is excised out.

  154. mercure

    [re=537886]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: But do you suppose they’re tops or bottoms? Never mind, dumb question.

  155. brown_recluse

    [re=537647]Prommie[/re]: when I heard of the risotto stirring machine, I assumed it was too good to be true, but I thought the same thing about the chocolate fountain.

  156. Beanball

    Jim Newell: I love the way you stacked those Jonah Goldberg quotes into non-colliding levels.

Comments are closed.