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Needs more sex with Vulcans.What happens when you make a lousy low-budget movie with a story that goes nowhere and outdated special effects? You spend a whole lot of money marketing the crap. What happens if you have a vague understanding of this concept but you work for NASA, with its 1970s jalopy shuttles and its moment of glory forty years in the past? You make the marketing posters, but you don’t really show them to anyone, because they’re embarrassing, but you leave the pdf files on the NASA website anyway. Was the future supposed to be this lame?

Gizmodo dug up a whole bunch of these NASA motivational posters and boy are we feeling ashamed for everyone in America, again. Here’s a big version of that first artwork:
To boldly go around in circles in a 1970s space glider.

But, is there an even better way to illustrate the shameful chasm between pretend sci-fi space missions and the humdrum Earth orbit and trash haulting of an actual space shuttle flight? Sure, we can dress up the astronauts as actual Star Trek characters:
And then the Alien ate everybody and Sigourney Weaver masturbated with her cat, the end.
[Gizmodo/NASA]

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  • ManchuCandidate

    *Sigh*

    That’s not the Right Stuff!

  • bored with gravity

    Is my Wonkette broken? I haz a sad.

  • Pompous Magnus

    In the words of Slim Pickens, “Lord, I am depressed.”

  • Naked Bunny with a Whip

    If I have to wear jammies in space, I want mine to be feetie jammies.

  • Sharkey

    My friend, can your heart stand the shocking facts about grave robbers from outer space?

  • Dreadful Gate

    Just reinforces what I’ve been saying since the 80s, NASA should be turned over to Hollywood. If we’d done that in ’82, around the time of ET, we’d be on Mars now with hi-def 3D Imax films to prove it.

    Plus the astronauts would be sexier

  • anonymousryan

    What the fuck is STS 131 crew looking at?!

  • Justin Time

    Regarding the today’s MIA posts, we can quote the title of the autobiography of Ronald McDonald Raygun: “Where’s the rest of me”?

  • Extemporanus
  • the problem child

    Oh my god, check out the “Astros” poster: http://sfa.nasa.gov/MISSIONPOSTERS/sts132/STS-132%20poster%20lores.pdf

  • megs

    [re=533048]anonymousryan[/re]: I think they’re mostly just trying to look away and obscure their faces.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=533048]anonymousryan[/re]: Are you making fun of NASA’s first all-blind flight crew?

    Not cool, dude. Not cool at all.

  • doxastic

    Dorothy Metcalf-Lindenburger is appropriately staring into space.

  • Captain Justice

    I think that’s awesome. This is the kind of waste of taxpayers’ resources that I can appreciate. Good on ya’, NASA.

  • DoktorZoom

    Oh, pshaw–these posters make my nerdy little heart go pitta-pat (Or perhaps ta-pocketta-pocketta). I’d rather have the NASAs doing cosplay than long-distance diaper fantasies.

  • slithytoves

    [re=533048]anonymousryan[/re]: Everything.

  • Oblios Cap

    The Red Shirts on Expedition XXI had better watch out!

    What the fuck is STS 131 crew looking at?!

    The future, man. It appears to be surrounding them.

  • slithytoves

    [re=533051]the problem child[/re]: Oh. My. Christ. Astronaut on the far right totally looks like he has a load in in his suit. How long did that shoot take, anyway?

  • Prommie

    [re=533039]bored with gravity[/re]: My Wonkette is cranky and truncated.

  • Flanders

    [re=533039]bored with gravity[/re]: broken wonkett and lame NASA. I haz two sadz.

  • Magnus Maximus

    I didn’t know that Tom Brokaw decided to shave his head and become an astronaut.

  • Naked Bunny with a Whip

    @anonymousryan: “My God! This studio is full of stars!”

  • the problem child

    [re=533061]slithytoves[/re]: Just long enough to get the furry excited.

  • S.Luggo

    [re=533039]bored with gravity[/re]: Rush Limbaugh farted on the web server.

  • V572625694

    B-but NASA still has cushy jobs for enginerds who want to do trailing-edge science! You guys out there

    One great moment in “The Simpsons”: Homer is in space and at NASA headquarters, a reporter asks the spokesmen if all the long rows of people sitting at computers are tracking the mission, analyzing data. “No,” Troy McClure says, “they’re monitoring our press coverage.”

  • Extemporanus

    [re=533050]Extemporanus[/re]: [re=533046]Dreadful Gate[/re]: Stop commenting via wormhole! It makes it look like I’m copying you.

    Regarding putting Hollywood in charge of NASA: I assumed that the election of Barack Obama meant that Hollywood was now in charge of the entire government, and that we’d soon be facing one sort of planet-wide calamity or another. Because if Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s that black presidents are sci-fi fucking disaster porn gold.

    (SEE: Armageddon, Deep Impact, 2012, The Fifth Element, Idiocy, 24 x2, etc.)

  • Holy Cow!!

    One look at that poster the Borg would turn around and leave. Humans are not worth assimilating.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=533070]Extemporanus[/re]: Idiocracy, you idiot.

  • Oblios Cap

    [re=533062]Prommie[/re]:

    It appears to be Biden’s fault.

  • bureaucrap

    If they really wanted some more verisimilitude, they would have dressed these guys ‘n’ gals up as truck drivers, since that’s basically all they are. It’s just that their truck goes really really fast before they have to drop off their load of thingamajiggers and whatchamahoozits.

  • Neilist

    Gee, the real astronauts look about as balding, and about as out of shape, as the ones in the movie!

    (Which are the ones who compare to a bunch of “retards [I] wouldn’t trust with a potato(e) gun”?)

    Although, the “advanced shuttles” in the movie had a slightly lower safety record than the real thing, i.e., a 50% Category 1 Accident (loss of vehicle and/or crew fatality) per mission.

  • Neilist

    Oh, and while the Mission 131 poster was bad, there is No Possible Justification for the XXI poster.

    None.

    None whatsoever.

  • V572625694

    [re=533069]V572625694[/re]: Meant to say, “You guys out there in Greenbelt: keep fuckin that chicken!

  • Flanders

    [re=533060]Oblios Cap[/re]: Brilliant!

  • Prommie

    I blame wendy.

  • Darkness

    Target audience: 10 year olds.

    I think they’re cool. I guess that says something about my maturity level.

  • bureaucrap

    On the other hand, James Dutton is really hot. Anybody have his phone number?

  • WhatTheHeck

    Stardate 12.89: NASA crew are Lost in Space. We need to get them back to the future.

  • RoscoePColtraine

    [re=533048]anonymousryan[/re]: What the fuck is STS 131 crew looking at?!

    Barney Frank is hovering around Uranus! Hey-O! Geddit? Barney Frank is gay, see? So he likes *anuses, and the planet Uranus….geddit now?

    *For the sake of the joke, we must assume Barney to be a top, which might not be true, in fact.

  • comicbookguy

    [re=533073]Extemporanus[/re]: Idiocracy, you idiot.

    See? The future is already here. Don’t feel bad Tard. Have some kick-ass electorlites.

  • comicbookguy

    “NASA, with its 1970s jalopy shuttles”

    Snark all you want, but the AMC Hornet was a great car.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I like the nebula in the background — it’s as though the astronauts are saying “See that? We won’t be any closer to that thing than you are right now.”

  • Autoo

    I think NASA has the right idea with the Star Trek look, but the chicks all need bigger tits and tighter skin suits. And the guys need … fuck ’em, who cares about the guys, anyway?

    And they some need a hawtt nude alien babe. Maybe the can borrow that creature Rebecca Romjin played in one of teh X-Men movies, Mysterino, or Chill-Zone or whatever the hell she was.

  • norbizness

    Ow! My large intestine!

  • Accordion-o-rama

    Spot the Cyborgs!

    Answer: 2nd from left, 2nd & 3rd from right

  • bitchincamaro

    kEEp yer big ScInce hAndS offa My PlANeTS!1 I WAnt mY pLUto BAck!!!1111

  • comicbookguy

    Needs more 7 of 9

  • assistant/atlas

    Did they….did they actually have actual astronauts put on Star Trek uniforms and pose for a poster?

    Because that is so unbelievably sad.

    Of course, I guess if we’re getting our torture policies from 24, we might as well get space policy from Star Trek.

  • slappypaddy

    [re=533056]Captain Justice[/re]: our tax dollars at play

  • chaste everywhere

    [re=533087]comicbookguy[/re]: The Pinto ruled! (Until the whole blowing-itself-up thing.)
    [re=533048]anonymousryan[/re]: The future, Mr. Gittes. The future.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=533086]comicbookguy[/re]: Hey, that typo wasn’t my fault!

    Someone spilled Brawndo on my laptop and fucked-up my keyboard.

    (At least I’m pretty sure it was Brawndo, though my screen does taste like urine…)

  • President Beeblebrox

    I’d prefer a Battlestar Galactica poster, showing the crew alternately frakking each other, holding guns to each others’ heads, committing mutiny, discovering that one of them is an enemy sleeper agent when she shoots the C.O. in the chest, and talking to a hot blonde model who may or may not be a hallucination, a Cylon implant chip, or an Angel of God. Yeah, good times.

  • Gopherit

    Nerds! In! Space!

  • Cape Clod

    They are all looking off in different directions, EXCEPT RIGHT BEHIND THEM WHERE A GIANT GASEOUS CLOUD MONSTER IS SNEAKING UP TO EAT THEM!!!!

  • Mr Blifil

    So much for my interest in the effects of weightlessness on sexual activity. These people couldn’t even make it on my b-list for librarian fantasies (of either gender), let alone hot astronaut-on-astronaut space sexytime.

  • gjdodger

    trash hauling of an actual space shuttle flight


    Best show EVER!

  • TGY

    Less random dramatic poses, more space-y explore-y.

    [re=533053]Extemporanus[/re]: “To blindly go where no man has gone before”

    Blindee voyagee!

  • Buzz Feedback

    Why do all female astronauts have bangs? All chix w/bangs r nutz.

  • ShamWow

    STS-131: Why is there a pencil-dick and trucknutz pointing at Alan Poindexter? Doesn’t it realize that James Dutton is the hawt one?

  • Way Cool Larry

    [re=533046]Dreadful Gate[/re]: actually, they went Hollywood in 1969 with the first moon landing. :)

  • Way Cool Larry

    The first one looks like the cover of a Kraftwerk album…

  • sezme

    Arse-tranaughts

  • Sharkey

    [re=533053]Extemporanus[/re]: Consider also the possibility that they might actually be zombies.

  • Dreadful Gate

    [re=533188]Way Cool Larry[/re]: No, that was NBC – the Twilight Zone crew. Different union

  • smitallica

    STS 131: THIS time, it’s multiracial!

  • Extemporanus

    [re=533197]Sharkey[/re]: Zombienauts? Dude, Launch of the Living Dead would be fucking awesome!

  • Hutch

    [re=533043]Sharkey[/re]: I bow to you, sir or madam, for the awesome Plan 9 from Outer Space quote. Too cool.

  • gss_000

    C’mon, these are awesome! Let the people who put their lives on the line with these missions have a little fun.

  • virgo47

    god even japanese astronauts are hot

  • loupgarous

    Got problems with STS (also known as “1970s jalopy shuttles”)?

    Go piss on the grave of the late Senator William Proxmire, who had such a bulging hard-on for NASA (who were spending money that should have gone for his dairy subsidies) that he used his influence to downsize the Shuttle, make it more fragile, less survivable, and MUCH less durable.

    Even so, those spacecraft are flying way past the end of their projected design life. So “jalopy”? Maybe, but in the same way a ’57 Chevy is. They’re boss machines, and if someone who’s brave enough to ride one after two fatal disasters have happened with the design wants to pretend they’re Captain Picard, hey, let’em.

    Hip wonks are really getting mean and small-dicked lately, ever notice?

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