Needs more sex with Vulcans.What happens when you make a lousy low-budget movie with a story that goes nowhere and outdated special effects? You spend a whole lot of money marketing the crap. What happens if you have a vague understanding of this concept but you work for NASA, with its 1970s jalopy shuttles and its moment of glory forty years in the past? You make the marketing posters, but you don’t really show them to anyone, because they’re embarrassing, but you leave the pdf files on the NASA website anyway. Was the future supposed to be this lame?

Gizmodo dug up a whole bunch of these NASA motivational posters and boy are we feeling ashamed for everyone in America, again. Here’s a big version of that first artwork:
To boldly go around in circles in a 1970s space glider.

But, is there an even better way to illustrate the shameful chasm between pretend sci-fi space missions and the humdrum Earth orbit and trash haulting of an actual space shuttle flight? Sure, we can dress up the astronauts as actual Star Trek characters:
And then the Alien ate everybody and Sigourney Weaver masturbated with her cat, the end.

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  1. Just reinforces what I’ve been saying since the 80s, NASA should be turned over to Hollywood. If we’d done that in ’82, around the time of ET, we’d be on Mars now with hi-def 3D Imax films to prove it.

    Plus the astronauts would be sexier

  2. Oh, pshaw–these posters make my nerdy little heart go pitta-pat (Or perhaps ta-pocketta-pocketta). I’d rather have the NASAs doing cosplay than long-distance diaper fantasies.

  3. The Red Shirts on Expedition XXI had better watch out!

    What the fuck is STS 131 crew looking at?!

    The future, man. It appears to be surrounding them.

  4. [re=533051]the problem child[/re]: Oh. My. Christ. Astronaut on the far right totally looks like he has a load in in his suit. How long did that shoot take, anyway?

  5. B-but NASA still has cushy jobs for enginerds who want to do trailing-edge science! You guys out there

    One great moment in “The Simpsons”: Homer is in space and at NASA headquarters, a reporter asks the spokesmen if all the long rows of people sitting at computers are tracking the mission, analyzing data. “No,” Troy McClure says, “they’re monitoring our press coverage.”

  6. [re=533050]Extemporanus[/re]: [re=533046]Dreadful Gate[/re]: Stop commenting via wormhole! It makes it look like I’m copying you.

    Regarding putting Hollywood in charge of NASA: I assumed that the election of Barack Obama meant that Hollywood was now in charge of the entire government, and that we’d soon be facing one sort of planet-wide calamity or another. Because if Hollywood has taught us anything, it’s that black presidents are sci-fi fucking disaster porn gold.

    (SEE: Armageddon, Deep Impact, 2012, The Fifth Element, Idiocy, 24 x2, etc.)

  7. If they really wanted some more verisimilitude, they would have dressed these guys ‘n’ gals up as truck drivers, since that’s basically all they are. It’s just that their truck goes really really fast before they have to drop off their load of thingamajiggers and whatchamahoozits.

  8. Gee, the real astronauts look about as balding, and about as out of shape, as the ones in the movie!

    (Which are the ones who compare to a bunch of “retards [I] wouldn’t trust with a potato(e) gun”?)

    Although, the “advanced shuttles” in the movie had a slightly lower safety record than the real thing, i.e., a 50% Category 1 Accident (loss of vehicle and/or crew fatality) per mission.

  9. [re=533073]Extemporanus[/re]: Idiocracy, you idiot.

    See? The future is already here. Don’t feel bad Tard. Have some kick-ass electorlites.

  10. I like the nebula in the background — it’s as though the astronauts are saying “See that? We won’t be any closer to that thing than you are right now.”

  11. I think NASA has the right idea with the Star Trek look, but the chicks all need bigger tits and tighter skin suits. And the guys need … fuck ’em, who cares about the guys, anyway?

    And they some need a hawtt nude alien babe. Maybe the can borrow that creature Rebecca Romjin played in one of teh X-Men movies, Mysterino, or Chill-Zone or whatever the hell she was.

  12. Did they….did they actually have actual astronauts put on Star Trek uniforms and pose for a poster?

    Because that is so unbelievably sad.

    Of course, I guess if we’re getting our torture policies from 24, we might as well get space policy from Star Trek.

  13. [re=533087]comicbookguy[/re]: The Pinto ruled! (Until the whole blowing-itself-up thing.)
    [re=533048]anonymousryan[/re]: The future, Mr. Gittes. The future.

  14. [re=533086]comicbookguy[/re]: Hey, that typo wasn’t my fault!

    Someone spilled Brawndo on my laptop and fucked-up my keyboard.

    (At least I’m pretty sure it was Brawndo, though my screen does taste like urine…)

  15. I’d prefer a Battlestar Galactica poster, showing the crew alternately frakking each other, holding guns to each others’ heads, committing mutiny, discovering that one of them is an enemy sleeper agent when she shoots the C.O. in the chest, and talking to a hot blonde model who may or may not be a hallucination, a Cylon implant chip, or an Angel of God. Yeah, good times.

  16. They are all looking off in different directions, EXCEPT RIGHT BEHIND THEM WHERE A GIANT GASEOUS CLOUD MONSTER IS SNEAKING UP TO EAT THEM!!!!

  17. So much for my interest in the effects of weightlessness on sexual activity. These people couldn’t even make it on my b-list for librarian fantasies (of either gender), let alone hot astronaut-on-astronaut space sexytime.

  18. Less random dramatic poses, more space-y explore-y.

    [re=533053]Extemporanus[/re]: “To blindly go where no man has gone before”

    Blindee voyagee!

  19. Got problems with STS (also known as “1970s jalopy shuttles”)?

    Go piss on the grave of the late Senator William Proxmire, who had such a bulging hard-on for NASA (who were spending money that should have gone for his dairy subsidies) that he used his influence to downsize the Shuttle, make it more fragile, less survivable, and MUCH less durable.

    Even so, those spacecraft are flying way past the end of their projected design life. So “jalopy”? Maybe, but in the same way a ’57 Chevy is. They’re boss machines, and if someone who’s brave enough to ride one after two fatal disasters have happened with the design wants to pretend they’re Captain Picard, hey, let’em.

    Hip wonks are really getting mean and small-dicked lately, ever notice?

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