What’s the Nazi Pope and his Global Church of Child Fuckers up to these days, anyway? Whatever it is, Christopher Hitchens and Andrew Sullivan are all pissed off about it.
Apparently, priests fuck all the little boys. Which reminds us of a joke, which we won’t tell, for fear of The New Republic calling everyone anti-Semitic again. Speaking of, what the fuck, Israel? Are you breaking up with us? Do we get the $3 billion a year back?
And that’s all the time we have this week for “Checking in With … Religion.” Join us next week when we post a cartoon of Mohammad saying “I eat poop,” in Danish. [Slate/Times of London/Andrew SullivanThe Nation]
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Every time you make a pope joke, I get a 404 error. I’m just sayin’ …
The Borgia Pope is probably annoyed it took you nancies 6 f*ing centuries to figure this out.
Puts a new twist on kissing the Pope’s ring doesn’t it?
You know you’re a complete failure when your job is to get rid of imaginary creatures and after 25 years on the job, your very headquarters is riddled with them. The Vatican’s Exorcist was probably preoccupied with getting rid of the spirit of Jeffy’s dead grandpa in Family Circus and wasn’t paying attention to the fictional beings running around under his very skirts.
The new improved Vatican. Now with even more Satan.
No no, the real evil here is Ratzy’s sartorial affinity for doilies, crushed velvet, bling that looked like it came from the clearance bin at Claire’s Boutique, and last season Prada pumps.
When your bishop is linked to the Devil, that means ya got some demons in yer semen!
The power of Christ compels you…. not to take any more close-up photos.
Even knowing that this pope was personally involved in the kiddie-rape cover-ups, though, people will still treat him like he has some sort of moral authority and insight; rather than being the head of a vile, corrupt institution that’s actually so backwards it believes in magical invisible bogeymen, and keeps a man on staff who has the actual job of casting magical spells to keep these imaginary spirits away.
How do you get the job of exorcist, anyway? I’d like to apply for it; and can guarantee there will be no demon possessions anywhere on Earth during my tenure.
Although with the way this post keeps getting eaten, maybe the church’s spells do have effect, and they’re being directed at the Wonkette….
*whew* For a second I thought billions of people were worshipping an organization with a history of torture, Nazi collaboration, child fucking, the obscuration of child fucking, condemning 9-year-old rape victims who seek abortions, convincing AIDS-ridden Africans to not use condoms, and inspiring Mel Gibson to direct movies.
But it just turns out it’s the Devil’s fault. Let’s clean that scamp outta there with a broom, and get things back to purity.
FTA: “Anything can come out of their mouths – finger-length pieces of iron, but also rose petals.”
This sounds like something ate Bette Midler.
LET JESUS FUCK YOU!
(Just not at work…)
Sounds like an excellent starting point for Glen Becks Chalkboard.
The Catholic church is full of evil old child raping pervs? Whoa, news flash!
[re=531707]SayItWithWookies[/re]: “Complete failure”? Are you serious?!
Father Gabe has personally exorcised 70,000 demons from the Holy See in the last 25 years, as illustrated by the comfortable shoe-wearing, Beezlebub banner-wielding hell beast shamefully fleeing on the right.
[re=531736]Franklin Pierce & Pierce[/re]: It must be nice to have a special, ready-made excuse for all your organization’s crimes, no matter how reprehensible. Funny, though, I had thought “The devil made me do it!” bit was just a comedy routine; for the Catholics, it’s serious.
To be fair, you can’t blame Mel Gibson on the modern Catholic Church; he belongs to a splinter sect that believes that, post-Vatican II, it’s not crazily right-wing enough.
Maybe it’s time to pack up the shit and head back to Avignon.
This is old news. The Devil has been in the Vatican ever since John Paul II pardoned Galileo.
So, even assuming Fr. Amorth got into the exorcism business really early, say age 15 (not so many child labor laws back then), he’s been casting out spirits for a solid 70 years. That makes 1,000 possessions a year he’s “dealt with”, or something more than three exorcisms daily assuming the occasional sick day and a week of vacation every now and then.
I’m just spitballing here, but it would seem like exorcism would tend to be a pretty stressful line of work (think of poor Richard Burton in that godawful movie) and so surely there would be a high rate of burnout.
[re=531743]Chickensmack[/re]: It’s not what’s coming out of their mouths that’s the problem.
Wait, which one of them is Satan again? The one of the child-raping ones or one of the ones that helped cover it up? Or is it the one that sold them? It’s hard to tell them apart in those robes. Can you have more than one Satan at a time, or maybe you can trade off being Satan like you trade off taking out the garbage?
Out of curiosity, were the choirboys expensive? Compared to other hustlers, i mean. And why no ball-touching? Seems kinda pointless when you consider the other “duties”, and hey, if I’m paying top Euro, I’m getting the full smorgasbord. Not that I’d buy a choirboy but, you know, if i were going to I better get full-service, considering that it’s an act of soul-destroying evil and all. Or did they really sell choirboys at all?
I’m confused.
Gee, who could have foreseen that electing a Nazi bigot for a pope would cause so many problems? He’ll probably end making the crime sprees of the Borgia look positively sanctimonious in comparison.
Time for the Vatican to call in Bobby Jindal.
He’s “dealt with 70000 cases of demonic possession,” which might not mean all that many exorcisms. Maybe a lot of the cases were just normal job interviews and hires.
I’ve been getting 666 Errors…
[re=531789]Tommmcatt[/re]: No, no, you do not understand the true evil of Satan; he’s the one that revealed the child rapes and cover-up to the public, undermining Catholic’s blind faith in the Church and making parents keep their beautiful children away from the priests.
See how devious the Devil is?
Hitchens’ article was picked up in the Washington Post (because they don’t have any interesting or useful op-ed writers on their own) and, predictably, the comments were horrendous.
“Apparently, priests fuck all the little boys.”
Of course they do, Mate! How do you think the next generation of priests are created?
70,000??!! 70 fucking 000!!?? Sounds like somebody’s got a demonic possession obsession.
[re=531789]Tommmcatt[/re]: “Wait, which one of them is Satan again?”
Satan is the one who urges Priests use inherently-sinful condoms when they fuck all the little boys – absolutely demonic , that one…
[re=531880]gurukalehuru[/re]: Turns out that the article states the number refers to the demon body count. Yup. They keep up with every single one of those invisible things they kick out.
A little sympathy for the devil here….NOT, what kind of supernatural being would be scared off by this S&M imagery wielding blowhard 70,000 times?
The only thing this clown has done 70,000 times is sniff little boy poop chutes.
As faith in God offers freedom from the responsibility for rational thought, belief in the Devil offers freedom from moral responsibility.
What the hell were the Catholics thinking, putting a German in charge of covering up organized child-fucking? The Germans documented how many gold teeth they pulled out of their WW2 victims so they thought this shitbird could keep a lid on atrocities?
Here’s a thought. Every country with victims of this church should recall their Vatican ambassadors until all the child-fuckers are turned over to Interpol. Or set up a guillotine outside St. Peter’s…
[re=531878]Bearbloke[/re]: How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy. Boom-tish.
70,000 in 25 years? That’s better than 7 1/2 per day, every day of the week. He must have assistants doing most of the heavy lifting.
What pay grade would an “assistant exorcist” be?
I’d like to put the Vatican’s exorcist and its Devils Advocate in the same room and let them fight it out. [/Wright]
Sweet baby sky jeebus–my surgeon’s name is Borgia. Guess I’m fucked…
The world’s biggest scam: The Catholic Church.
If by “devil” he means a system that self-selects for sexually abnormal individuals who will operate in an organization which has a single goal of self-preservation, then sure, the “devil” is working at the Vatican.
[re=532008]Jim89048[/re]: Especially if your surgeon comes to you wearing a doctor’s gown like this…
[re=532009]Holy Cow!![/re]: They may all be paedos, but at least they’re totally not gay!
[re=531707]SayItWithWookies[/re]: For. Teh. Wu-hiiiiiin!
Paging Max von Sydow, Pazuzu and his Gemini minions are waiting for you at the red courtesy phone, just outside the Basilica Sancti Petri narthex…
[re=531984]Scoops McGee[/re]: I’m guessing there were multiple Pneuma manifested more than one poor bastard, for him to generate Grand Theft Auto-like scoring as Chief Exorcist…nothing some Ritalin could have probably help out with…
“Do we get the $3 billion a year back”
3 billion? Excuse me. Add in the loan guarantees that don’t get paid back and the subsidized weapons systems and other hidden crap and you can add a digit to that number.
“He is the president of honour of the Association of Exorcists.”
Please tell me these guys have a convention. Possibly in Las Vegas.
[re=532057]schvitzatura[/re]: Exactly. When their name is Legion, you exorcise them en masse. This guy’s just pumping up his numbers for his annual review…
So You Want to Perform an Exorcism:
“I speak with the devil every day,” says Father Gabriele Amorth, Rome’s official exorcist. “I talk to him in Latin. He answers in Italian. I have been wrestling with him, day in day out, for 14 years.”
[re=531707]SayItWithWookies[/re]: But you’ll always have a job, as long as the rubes don’t figure it out. Besides, just because all the imaginary creatures aren’t gone yet doesn’t mean he isn’t good at his job. We’ll never eradicate hunger, crime or stupidity either.
[re=532209]CthuNHu[/re]: So the devil is less hidebound than the catholic church?
[re=532342]pub_option[/re]: Of course! He’s a Lexicon Devil, fluent in Latin and Italian and…
[re=531768]La Cieca[/re]: He’s been demon hunting for 25 years so that’s about 7.7 demons per day and that’s not bad. On a good day, I can only get a few.
[re=532209]CthuNHu[/re]: Well that part rings true anyway. I always knew the devil would speak Italian, probably with a Sicilian accent. Or maybe he was just watching that one scene from The Godfather…
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