fail

Forgotten DC Frat-Bar Group Posts Failed Reality Show To Website

They brought dignity back to Washington ....It is impossible to remember this now, but a couple of years ago DC was full of douche Republican youngsters with popped collars and confederate-flag bras who congregated at a Georgetown bar to tell jokes about coloreds. And, for many years, the biggest aspiration of these dildos/dildettes was to have a teevee Reality Show about their lives, which consisted of spending their parents’ money, getting abortions, “up skirt finger banging,” and either a) finding a six-figure job as a lobbyist for baby poison or napalm, or b) marrying a guy who gets such a job, and moving to Vienna or Reston and never having to see public transportation or a negro or a cute hipster girl ever again. What ever happened to that reality show, anyways?

This is what happened, according to a tragic LNS email we decided to read today:

Blonde Charity Mafia, the critically acclaimed DC reality show originally based on LNS, recently aired 6 episodes on MTV in the United Kingdom. The miniseries takes an in-depth look at the inner-workings of high-stakes DC lobbying through the lens of Pyle & Associates vice-president Sophie Pyle, as well as the charity circuit catered to the lobbying community. The height of poignancy in the series occurs when two professional lacrosse players are depicted in a scenic montage on the National Mall discussing the best way to break into this seemingly impenetrable world. BCM was bolstered by cameo appearances from Roby Penn and Andrew Baldwin, as well as an intimate date scene in a smoke-filled back room of Georgetown’s City Tavern Club. All six episodes have been posted on LNS. (Click the red play button, close the popup and then press the green play button.)

Fail.

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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58 comments

  1. gurukalehuru

    Gadzooks. They give us Monty Python, Benny Hill and Fawlty Towers. We give them this crap. Shame.

  2. Ruhe

    Click the red play button, close the pop up and click the green play button? So it’s not merely reality tv but a sort of amateur life-style porn?

  3. Tundra Grifter

    “…as well as the charity circuit catered to the lobbying community.”

    Can’t write. Neither.

  4. predilectrix

    Ugh. I thought about that godawful picture yesterday (after seeing the bikini chick draining Mr Franzia’s tap) and now here it is again. Sorry everyone.

  5. Mista Eko

    “Blonde Charity Mafia was originally supposed to air on Lifetime”

    ……

    AHHHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

  6. JMP

    OMG, they had both Roby Penn and Andrew Baldwin?! How could the show fail with such high-powered cameos?

    No, seriously; who the fuck are they, and why should anyone care?

  7. bureaucrap

    [re=528855]Tundra Grifter[/re]: “…the charity circuit, which does the catering for the lobbying community…”

    fixed it.

  8. queeraselvis v 2.0

    The height of poignancy in the series occurs when two professional lacrosse players are depicted in a scenic montage on the National Mall discussing the best way to break into this seemingly impenetrable world.

    Dear LNS:
    The producers of “St. Elmo’s Fire” are on line 1 and are preparing to sue the shit out of you for plagiarism. Also, there were repeated iterations of “fucking preppy douchebags.” Just thought you’d want to know. Kthxbai.

  9. magic titty

    That first paragraph was incredible, Layne. ‘Specially the upskirt finger-banging part.

  10. kappakid

    If by “vice president” they mean secretary to your dad’s firm, then yeah, totally.

    http://www.linkedin.com/in/sophiepyle

    Administrative Assistant
    Pyle & Associates

    (Government Relations industry)

    January 2008 — July 2008 (7 months)

    •Assisted in answering phone calls, press releases on issues such as international defense, redesign of the USDA food pyramid, wheat and sugar subsidies
    •Developed and maintained Web site for client
    •Assisted in meeting planning
    •Attended/reported on briefings and meetings on Capitol Hill

  11. SayItWithWookies

    Well they’ve struck gold in a way — they’ve come up with a show about rich assholes that’s not even worthy of being aired on the CW. Now that’s rarer than a Tuesday-night takedown.

  12. What Fresh Hell is This?

    My son wants to leave Alabama so he can go somewhere where most people are not shallow and superficial. Any suggestions? Mars?

  13. GOPCrusher

    I’ve pounded down a lot of beer in my day, but if you have to sit on the crapper while drinking, you’ve probably have reached the “FULL” mark on the beer-o-meter.

  14. Mr Blifil

    Young cute hipster girls can watch it on their iPads. The ones they shove up their hoo-hahs.

  15. Gumboz1953

    [re=528861]JMP[/re]: God, ANOTHER Baldwin brother! Are they, like, amoebas breaking off from each other?

  16. Prommie

    [re=528885]Magnus Maximus[/re]: If she’ll chug beer from a pitcher while sitting on the toilet, you just know she’ll be up for a grumpy munchkin.

  17. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=528878]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: Greece. Since they became a floatie in the Euro’s economic toilet, superficiality and shallowness sorta went out the window.

  18. dijetlo

    [re=528878]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]:
    Actually, any place where most folks are worried about getting enough to eat or not getting shot/raped by the local roving band of warlord militia.
    Something about living on the edge of annihilation tends to increase ones focus, I guess.

  19. JMP

    [re=528878]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: The people of Alabama aren’t shallow at all; in fact, according to the CDC they’re second only to Mississippi in obesity. Oh wait, that’s not how… never mind.

  20. NopantsMcGee

    I don’t get this story at all. And it looks like it involves young douche bags in a big way so I’m gonna go read the story about the snorkeling from yesterday. That sounds like a safe read.

  21. earnestcivilservant

    [re=528878]What Fresh Hell is This?[/re]: Michigan. I’m sorry we don’t have a real job for him, but he could help out with the census count. By letting us count him. Also.

  22. AbstinenceOnly Ed

    Usually I hate when people say ‘FAIL,’ but in the case of these anuses, I’ll allow it. Now no more! Stop saying “FAIL”. Plz. Thx. KBai.

  23. Extemporanus

    [re=528861]JMP[/re]: [re=528898]Gumboz1953[/re]: I’m not sure if this is the same guy, but Lieutenant Commander Andrew James “Andy” Baldwin was the bachelor during the 10th season of the critically acclaimed, eponymously-named ABC documentary series. His particular season was called The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman.

    And for those of you looking for a little snorkle action, I have good news: Sailor boy’s still available!

  24. Zadig

    [re=528898]Gumboz1953[/re]: Figures that the only decent Baldwin (Adam) is not, in fact, a Baldwin brother.

    It seems that this ‘Andrew’ monster is not a Real Baldwin either, but rather some sort of “baseball pitcher”, or a Bachelor, of The Bachelor fame. My money’s on the latter.

  25. What Fresh Hell is This?

    [re=528924]JMP[/re]: Ha Ha. Racist. Poor people eat unhealthy, high-calorie food because it’s cheap. It’s called the Hunger-Obesity Paradox. There are some parts of Alabama (whole counties nearly owned by northern timber companies) where fresh vegetables are not available. Slurp that with your latté.

  26. JMP

    [re=528873]kappakid[/re]: That resume is just sad. Did it take them one year to film six episodes, or is she just extending it to hide unemployment because apparently even Daddy’s firm wouldn’t take her back? Is “personality” official resume-speak for “Reality TV famewhore”?

    [re=528948]Extemporanus[/re]: That’s really hard to believe; since when has “The Bachelor[ette]” been critically acclaimed? And “documentary” series is a nice euphemism.

    If that is the guy, that’s even more pathetic than an unknown Baldwin brother. Meanwhile, wikipedia doesn’t even have an entry for the other guy or girl.

  27. steverino247

    [re=528871]magic titty[/re]: Hey, I liked the upskirt finger banging. So did my girlfriend which is why I’m still married to her 36 years later.

  28. What Fresh Hell is This?

    [re=528911]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Greece would work, a nice place in Thessaloniki, upwind of the burning barricades. And New Zealand would be great, except everyone is depressed (seems that sheep never say thank you).

  29. Extemporanus

    [re=528960]Urbanachiever[/re]: [re=528964]JMP[/re]: Don’t you fucking retards understand irony?!

  30. Jukesgrrl

    The real “height of poignancy” is that it’s so bad they could only export it — and they chose the United Kingdom.

  31. Lazy Media

    Yeah, that Andy Baldwin is (reportedly) less douchey than the rest of the crowd. He’s a doctor in the Navy, so has a real job outside Reality Teevee. Supposedly not a bad dude (I hear, second-hand from women in the Navy in DC).

    Pretty boy, but has some sense of noblesse oblige.

    http://www.andybaldwin.com/

  32. ManchuCandidate

    Should have had more of this, for, er, drama:

    Breakage
    Posted By: Plan B on 11-29-2006 10:00 am Report as shockingly offensive

    Last night, after a few too many glasses of wine at Milano, I dropped my date off at her apartment. She asked me up for a drink. I was not into it, but Tuesday night takedowns only happen ever so often so I proceeded. She made me wear a condom because she was not on the pill for some reason. Deed done, I went into the bathroom to dispose of said condom and discovered it had long since broken. In a panic, I went back into her room, chatted for a few minutes and then departed gracefully. She also mentioned she was glad we slept together because she was getting her period in a few days. I failed to mention whatsoever that I may have impregnated her. Do I have to say something or just leave it be and hope she won’t get pregnant? Maybe she knew? I never want to see or talk to her again. She was a boring conversationalist and the sex was bad.

    RE: Breakage
    Posted By: oh god on 11-29-2006 12:00 pm Report as shockingly offensive

    wait, plan b? im kind of freaking out. were you at a table in the front room of milano with me at milano and did we stop at the cvs in gtown before going back to my place to buy durex ultra thin condoms? i tried calling but you wont pick up.

    RE: Breakage
    Posted By: Plan B on 11-29-2006 12:16 pm Report as shockingly offensive

    oh god: I probably should have searched for your profile on here first. That’s us. Check your gmail and tell me what you want to do. Sorry.

    RE: Breakage
    Posted By: oh god on 11-29-2006 1:16 pm Report as shockingly offensive

    this is unbelievable. how could you not tell m? i could have taken plan b this morning instead of having to run all the way to cvs sobbing.

  33. Urbanachiever

    [re=528973]Extemporanus[/re]: Sure, I understand your irony, but THIS:

    [i]“Blonde Charity Mafia, the critically acclaimed DC reality show”[/i]

  34. DC4DC

    This is Roby Penn:

    http://www.facebook.com/#!/roby.penn

    Here is a quote from said Facebook Page:

    If you don’t have an oil well, get one. – Eddie Chiles—————-My ancestors, actually, weren’t on the Mayflower. They sent the servants over first to get the cottage ready

    Oh wait there is more!!:

    Grad School:Georgetown

    Colleges:TCU ’01
    B.A. / B.S., History / Political Science
    Presbyterian
    Political Science
    High School:Culver Academies

    Employer:Penn Oil Company Time Period:January 2001 – PresentLocation:Fort Worth, TX

    Employer:The Penn Foundation & TrustsTime Period:January 2000 – PresentLocation:Washington, DCDescription:A Non-Profit

  35. thefrontpage

    SEEMINGLY IMPENETRABLE! SEEMINGLY IMPENETRABLE! SEEMINGLY IMPENETRABLE!

    Seriously, these morons are assholes.

  36. CaliforniaMike

    Do Republicans follow the finger-banging rule of “two in the pink, one in the stink?”

  37. Channingsdg

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  38. Wingnutia

    Hahaha…being 3,000 miles from these people isn’t far enough. When President Joseph Hussien Obama-Hitler starts up the gulags to imprison wingnuts (because they’re so free, eyes roll) for execution LNS will provide a very convenient list. Also, like anyone ASIDE from wingnuts would use such a policy; even the Russians who created the Gulags were the USSR’s version of wingnuts. Yep, an education in Soviet History is a great thing, it makes wingnuts really angry and gives them the sad in historical debates. I’m also thankful that out West we only have only one type of rich asshole (instead of old money sneering at new money, face it, they both blow daddy for a Beemer) to look down on everyone else nobility-style.

  39. mustardman

    I find that picture of a college girl sitting on a toilet pants down while drinking a jug of beer strangely erotic. Is that so bad?

  40. hipstersuck

    God, Wonkette is nothing but a miserable, angry hipster b.s. Liz Glover is a snake. The hatchet job she pulled on Reed was shameless. He shouldn’t have broken her camera, but she approached him trying to stir up trouble. When she got what she wanted, she tried to play the victim. Pathetic! Just like this hipster douchebag website.

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