Most politicians who arrive in Washington resembling relatively fit and attractive humans quickly become repulsive monsters, because the restaurants serve nothing but cheesy bread products and the Congressional gym is booby trapped with vicious nine-fingered Jews who will assault you, naked. So House Minority Whip Eric Cantor has really beaten the odds by remaining thin, somehow.
And now we know the secret to his dazzling success:
An aide told Yeas & Nays that the Virginia Republican is so hard at work helping to lead the Republican Party that he often forgets to eat, leaving his team with no choice, but to remind him to chow down.
But if he must eat, he prefers tuna fish sandwiches, staying clear of anything that breaks his kosher diet. As for his workout routine, Cantor jogs.
Amazing! You mean that whole “healthy food and exercise” thing actually works?
Cantor’s diet secrets revealed [Washington Examiner]
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Three cheers for mercury!!!
Cantor’s not Christian, reasonably fit, and he’s not comically old; are we sure he’s a Republican? Wait, maybe he’s another closet case.
I call bullshit. Cantor stays thin because dining solely on the blood of Congressional Democrats (Xian only, acourse) is not fattening.
I think he has the HIV or the AID – he was spotted at a Britney Spears concert during the election and his mentor JUST LOVES his “fake and bake” and bikini waxes!! I’m just sayin’.
Would tuna fish sandwiches with tuna fish roe be non-kosher? Or does the fact that tuna don’t lactate void that concern?
[re=527785]JMP[/re]: A twink a day keeps the doctor away.
I think “Congressman Cantor” is Stephen Colbert’s day job. Has anyone ever seen them in the same room?
I demand verification of his sex!
That’s nice Eric but what we need to know is how John Boehner stays so orange.
How much of an appetite does one need when one says pretty much the same shit everyday?
I certainly wouldn’t if I kept saying: “No. Tax cuts for the rich! NOOOOOOO!!! Cut gubbiment services!! Fizkal Responsibility!!! Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!! He’s a negro!”
Okay, to be maybe Cantor isn’t saying the last, but it seems the even bigger idiots around him are.
I refuse to click on an Examiner link, but I want to know, is this part 1 of their 1-part series, “Minorities in the Republican Party: At They’ve Got A Goddamm Jew”?
Somewhere a tuna-blessing Rabbi is smacking his forehead.
“Bags of salted dicks,” please.
[re=527794]misterpearce[/re]: His sex was amazing. Twice at night, and once in the morning.
Jerry: Y’know I hear that all the time.
Elaine: Hear what?
Jerry: That I’m gay. People think I’m gay.
Elaine: Yeah, you know people ask me that about you, too.
Jerry: Yeah, ‘cuz I’m single, I’m thin and I’m neat.
Elaine: And you get along well with women.
George: I guess that leaves me in the clear…
[re=527798]Katydid[/re]: Now, they’ve also got three Hispanics (all of whom are right-wing Florida Cubans); and one Asian guy (the most liberal House Republican, already disowned by much of the party); and yeah, one (now that Specter switched) Jew. So that’s five, five minority Republicans in Congress!
It’s exhausting work… protecting us from the British, day in, and day out.
You forgot praising God. He is so busy serving his country and praising God that he forgets to eat. What a guy!
Wait. This guy’s people killed baby Jesus and they still let him in the Republican Party? What gives?
Perhaps he should try the Republican Protein Shake (TM).
This poor putz. Now his constituents are going to find out that he’s the jooish Michael Steele “leading the Republican party”.
[re=527808]JMP[/re]: Meh. Still fits in a one-part series, and a headline that reads “At Least We’ve Got 3 Hispanics, A Goddammed Jew, and a Chinaman” would be racist. (Ya, I know he’s Vietnamese American, but do the Republicans?)
SO MUCH WIN ON THE PI FRONT PAGE:
Bambi’s Dark Secret
[re=527800]Prommie[/re]: Salted Foreskin Tips
/fixed
[re=527813]Buzz Feedback[/re]: Made from Kosher Jissim?
Bambi is ready for discipline: Bambi’s Dark Secret
…the Virginia Republican is so hard at work helping to lead the Republican Party that he often forgets to eat, leaving his team with no choice, but to remind him to chow down.
Wow, no choice, eh? That must really be tough for them. Can you imagine working for someone that you had to remind to chow down? God, the strain. The humanity!
[re=527818]Katydid[/re]: “Chinaman” is definitely the preferred nomenclature for the GOP demographic.
[re=527829]thejesusandmarycheney[/re]: As I recall, “Chinaman” was officially replaced during 1964 Republican Convention with the term “Gook”.
[re=527818]Katydid[/re]: “At Least We’ve Got 3 Hispanics, A Goddammed Jew, and a Chinaman”
You know, it wouldn’t surprise me if the Republicans actually said this in response to mentions of their racism.
[re=527826]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: No choice even. See, cuz they are anti-choice.
[re=527832]Ducksworthy[/re]: No, no, no. “Gook” is specifically for Koreans. Trust me, I dated one, and he got really mad when people called him “chink.” He preferred the correct overtly racist terms to be applied at all times.
Just say NO to pork. And of course, keep following around John “Orange Roughy” Boener to ruin your appetite.
Which reminds me: A good way for us guys to delay orgasm? Think about Mitch McConnell. But not too long; that can really spoil the mood.
What a princess — how much freakin’ work is it, really, to keep telling people to vote no on everything and spouting the same four tired formulaic lies about every subject? Really, if he eats the same damn thing every day — in addition to saying the same damn stuff every day — he might have some sort of obsessive-compulsive disorder. As well as being such an unsightly eater that nobody will go have lunch with him.
[re=527844]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Does anyone else notice that most of our racist terms in the last century or so come from going to war with various types of Orientals?
“…the Virginia Republican is so hard at work…”
How hard is it to read and repeat the RNC talking points every day?
[re=527790]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: But ponyplay gives Cantor the trots.
Communist! (unless Cuntor eats his commie tuna fish sandwiches on the Freedom Tray)
Why does Eric Cantor hate our all ‘merikan McDonald’s?
[re=527826]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: They not only have to remind him, they also have to take the tuna sandwich and RAM IT DOWN HIS THROAT as reminder of what the Demoncrat are trying to do with HCR.
[re=527858]SlouchingTowardsWasilla[/re]: But it is hard lugging that 2700-page prop to the health care summit
[re=527867]Cape Clod[/re]: Actually, if you’ll examine the photograph carefully, you will note that Cantor has the gullet of a pelican so ramming things down his throat is a pretty simple matter once you get his beak open.
[re=527875]Ducksworthy[/re]: And this saves the staff time in that they can sometimes skip the sandwich making part and just shove a whole tuna down his throat. (Being a Joorish Republican once has to be able to swallow a lot of crap.)
Is Eric Cantor a cantor? If so, he could put on his business cards “Eric Cantor: Professinoal Cantor.”
How can any sane person be Jewish and Republican at the same time? Everyone knows that the Republicans hate the Jews.
[re=527853]Kinkster[/re]: That’s funny – you politely used the racist term orientals. That’s like when your grandmother comments on “how nice her ‘colored’ neighbors are”!
Eric Cantor loves the Orientals, you know.
A steady diet of Tuna Fish and Rightard Talking Points and YOU TOO can be a slack-jawed, pencil necked toady for John (Clockwork) Orange Boehner’s boner.
Do Eric Cantor and Joe Lieberman share tunafish sandwiches?
That man must have some serious bad breath.
Tuna and bile? And all this time I’ve been using mayonnaise. Live and learn.
[re=527811]elburrito[/re]: Eric Cantor is really Catherine of Siena reincarnated?
Apparently, a healthy dollop of diseased goat semen really brightens up a tuna sandwich.
Bone appetit!
[re=527880]thefrontpage[/re]: No, no, Republicans love the Jews. That is, they love the expansionist Zionist Jews in Israel, the ones who want to kill all Muslims and steal their land; if by “love” you mean “support because of magical beliefs that their actions will bring about the end of the world, which we are insane & evil enough to think would be a good thing.”
I call BS– this is the kind of story you see in all of those celebrity rags in which the skinny celebrity says they’re skinny because of diet and exercise when in reality they’re skinny because of tons of blow and eating disorders.
[re=527947]JMP[/re]: They’ve ALWAYS loved the Jews, this is self-evident.
[re=527820]Mr Blifil[/re]: unsalted, no doubt.
[re=527853]Kinkster[/re]: I hadn’t noticed, but then, I grew up in an agricultural area, so we were busy trying to think of mean things to say about the brown people who picked our fruit and mowed our lawns. We didn’t having no Chinese ’round them parts.
I hear he has several non-Kosher coffee enemas a day. So many that his staffers have to remind him to use fresh nozzles.
I call bullshit on the Kosher diet. Here in NYC, the only fatties in the entire city are the Kosher Jews.
[re=527947]JMP[/re]: And by “love”, he means that they want the Jews to help bring forth The Rapture so they can be swept up to Heaven while the Jews are left behind to endure the tribulations. It’s the kind of affection that farmers have for their prize fair animal that they fully intend to eat some day.
[re=527821]Ducksworthy[/re]: Sucked from the nethers of a cloven-hoofed collegue in the Republican caucus, no doubt. So much for the kosher diet.
[re=528093]slavojzizek[/re]:
You have never lived or visited Little Italy, I suppose.
“Vicious nine-fingered Jews” stands proudly astride “filthy cock-jackals” in my book of Wonkprose.
[re=527818]Katydid[/re]: NOFX’s White Trash, Two Kikes, & a Spic (the original title, before the two Jewish members of the band reneged, since they wouldn’t be able to show their faces to their bubbies if they appeared on such an album) demands royalties from the Republicans, if the GOP takes this tack.
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