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Somebody needs to Donkey Punch goddamned Roy Ashburn.Hahaha: “The owner of Faces, the club where [California state Senator Roy] Ashburn reportedly was hanging out before his arrest, told CBS 13 that he can’t confirm whether Ashburn was there Tuesday night because the club was packed with 400 patrons for a Latin drag queen beauty pageant.” Also, the openly gay mayor of West Sacramento outed Ashburn on Facebook, but nobody noticed.

MESSAGE TO CLOSETED REPUBLICANS: Honestly, nobody cares if you’re gay. It’s 2010, everybody is gay, and you’re going to lose the next election to a freakin’ Teabagger anyways, so ‘fess up and have fun, wriggle around in the excrement, etc. AND DON’T HOLD RALLIES AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE YA FUCKIN’ HYPOCRITE QUEEN. [TPM Muckraker via Wonkette Operative “Matt N.”]

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46 COMMENTS

  1. Would the human body be able to survive the amount of liquor it would have to consume to look at that and think “Hawt Sex!!!”?

  2. So in opposition to gay marriage, he says, “Children must be raised with morals and principles. As a society, we must provide them with a secured and loving environment that allows them to flourish.” Yes, and? There’s nothing in that statement that has anything to do with gay marriage. You know what can hurt a child? Growing up in an unloving environment caused by having a closet-case dad who hates himself and can only pretend to have sexual attraction for his wife.

    Nice to see that he has the same math skills as Fox News and the teabaggers; less than twenty people does not equal several hundred.

  3. It’s possible to be anti-gay marriage and still be a gay without being hypocritical. No quicker way to stop being gay then to get married, I’ll tell you what!

  4. But wait, there’s more! At that 2005 anti-gay marriage rally, Ashburn said that “Our friends and neighbors in our community are restating the obvious — that the institute of marriage is fundamental to our society. Marriage between one man and one woman is fundamental to civilization.” And so, apparently, is getting divorced, which is what Assburn did.

    Glass house, meet large flying boulder.

  5. On the principle of man bites dog, is it not now time to drop the “gay” part of the phrase “gay republican” -kind of goes without saying, hmm? Now, straight republican? Rarer than rocking horse shit, donchayaknow…..

  6. [re=525488]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: no i think the one who was in the car with him and the ones who had sex with him b4 really do hate themselves more…i mean have u seen his face…he needs to be in a bukkake fest to get that youthful glow again. Talk about Oil of Old Lay.

  7. The lyrics of the Dwight Yoakam & Buck Owen song “Streets of Bakersfield”, off the album Buenas Noches from a Lonely Room, are way too fucking apropos not to share in full:

    I came here looking for something
    I couldn’t find anywhere else
    Hey, I’m not trying to be nobody
    Just want a chance to be myself

    I’ve done a thousand miles of thumbin’
    I’ve worn blisters on my heels
    Trying to find me something better
    On the streets of Bakersfield

    Chorus:
    You don’t know me but you don’t like me
    You say you care less how I feel
    But how many of you that sit and judge me
    Have ever walked the streets of Bakersfield?

    Spent some time in San Francisco
    Spent a night there in the can
    They threw this drunk man in my jail cell
    Took fifteen dollars from that man
    Left him my watch and my old house key
    Don’t want folks thinkin’ that I’d steal
    Then I thanked him as I was leaving, and
    I headed for the streets of Bakersfield

    Chorus:
    You don’t know me but you don’t like me
    You say you care less how I feel
    But how many of you that sit and judge me
    Have ever walked the streets of Bakersfield?

    You don’t know me but you don’t like me
    You say you care less how I feel
    But how many of you that sit and judge me
    Have ever walked the streets of Bakersfield?

    How many of you that sit and judge me
    Have ever walked the streets of Bakersfield?

    How many, indeed.

  8. Shouldn’t he work out more and be buffer or something? I thought that was a requirement for those people. Other than being a Republican douche of course.

  9. I’m your wicked Uncle Ashburn
    and I’m glad you can’t see or hear me
    as I WRIGGLE ABOUT
    WRIGGLE ABOUT
    WRIGGLE ABOUT…

    Apologies to Pete Townshend.

  10. [re=525553]grevillea[/re]: I’m usually right there with you on that, but that song seemed nearly autobiographical.

    Not if you’ll excuse me, I have to go post some funny lyrics on that new Palin thread.

  11. So he thinks the more laws against teh gay, the less likely he will be gay, amirite?
    Split personality?

    Just like the Catholics-

    Just like the abstinence only supporters…..like teens are not going to have sex if they learn about celibacy.

    bwaahawhawhawhahaw

  12. As always, the most interesting human angle to the story of this hypocritical, self-loathing homo, is what do the wife and kids think? To be married to this kinda guy, to be fathered by such a two-sided head case, what’s the deal? How long have they known? How do they do they deal with this guy’s two-facedness, his self-destructive dichotomy?

    As an uber-normal middle-aged schlub of happily married man w/kids, whose creepiest thoughts are expunged (cathartically, sarcastically) here in comments section of dear ol’ Wonkette, I’m thinking, “How could you do this to your wife and kids, you lying bastard? Did they deserve this? Why didn’t you man up and admit this years ago and just remove yourself to go live the life you were obviously meant to live, and just leave them the hell out of this whole deal?”

    [/rant]

  13. [re=525596]Lascauxcaveman[/re]:

    Or, as speaking somebody who broke someone else’s heart into a thousand pieces by coming out and ruined her life so that we both could move on honestly, I’m thinking, “You coward, you fucking loser, Stonewall was 42 years ago and you drag a bunch of innocents into your drama because your hate is stronger than even your own natural self? Sickening.”

    Let me tell you something, when you are in the closet your whole life is about being in the closet. You play at having a life, but it’s all about the shame and the hiding, and at a certain point, not being able to really live a life just forces you out. In a lot of ways, you don’t really get to choose- the lies and shady-ness just start to suffocate you until you will do anything at all to breathe. Even face your own greatest monster, which is what being gay feels like at that point, like there’s a monster in you forcing you to be the way you are. And if this sounds terrible and uncomfortable, imagine how much you would have to hate gay people to not only persecute them, but to endure this self- suffocation, and to force your family to endure it as well.

    It is because of this sick hatred that I don’t pity people who do that, not one bit. Remaining in the closet is one thing, but getting married and becoming part of the anti-gay establishment is quite another, and this guy deserves the ruin he brought upon himself the other night.

    And that’s my rant.

  14. [re=525511]joementum[/re]: Can’t find the link now, but there was a story a few days ago that said Bakersfield was in the top 10 in % of overweight & obese residents.
    Oral fixation much?
    (Sorry, could not resist…)

  15. They failed to mention that the other guy he left with was John Roberts, wearing a Carmen Miranda get-up.

    “Never put the bananas in the refrigerator!”

  16. This is like the recurring sketch on Little Britain, where the government minister is seen outside his large house with his large wife explaining how he accidentally slipped in the bathroom and landed on some dude’s dick.

  17. [re=525619]Tommmcatt[/re]: Ashburn is the divorced father of four daughters, Shelley, Shannon, Stacy and Suzana. So much for family values.

  18. [re=525619]Tommmcatt[/re]: I guess you’d know! (Must be hell.)

    [re=525755]Hemp Dogbane[/re]: I guess he’d know! (But he won’t tell.)

    _________
    [re=525747]Flanders[/re]: Ah, divorced, then? Perhaps the family drama already played out long ago, and mom and the kids have moved on with their lives, then. Hope so.

  19. Haw haw haw…I love it when closet cases just stop in to “use the restroom”, then stick around for a “few drinks” with “these nice people”. Being a flamer myself, it makes this all the more special. I also see that the closet (D) case Rep. Massa today quit since he was making googly noises at a “male aide”.

  20. When I see his picture .. it really, really creeps me out .. like a moray eel with dentures. I need to run out of the room screaming hysterically … sssyyyyyeeeehffhfhfhiigofdosifjjgff!!1x

  21. Guys, it really isn’t this guys fault. Bakersfield breeds self hatred. Straight, gay, whatever. Anybody living in bakersfield is going to have some self hate issues. It’s where hope goes to die, get bad tatoos, a lifted truck and a dudebro outfit. I’m just sorry it had to express itself in this way.

  22. The gays I have known are all closet republicans. I think I see the larger fear here. If the democrats sacrifice an election cycle or two to force equal rites (ahem) for gays through, then all the gays will be free to be republican. So, the democrats will have sacrificed for nothing, hmmm, except all the rapturists and god-botherers will have to split from the republicans because it will then be a party of openly gay, instead of proper, jebus-intended self hating gay. Leaving the republican party with only the wealthy tax dodgers and war foreverz crowd, and no foot soldiers.

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