REPUBLICANS IN THE NEWS  2:26 pm March 5, 2010

Anti-Gay Bakersfield Republican Spent All His Time Being Gay At Gay Bars

by Ken Layne

Somebody needs to Donkey Punch goddamned Roy Ashburn.Hahaha: “The owner of Faces, the club where [California state Senator Roy] Ashburn reportedly was hanging out before his arrest, told CBS 13 that he can’t confirm whether Ashburn was there Tuesday night because the club was packed with 400 patrons for a Latin drag queen beauty pageant.” Also, the openly gay mayor of West Sacramento outed Ashburn on Facebook, but nobody noticed.

MESSAGE TO CLOSETED REPUBLICANS: Honestly, nobody cares if you’re gay. It’s 2010, everybody is gay, and you’re going to lose the next election to a freakin’ Teabagger anyways, so ‘fess up and have fun, wriggle around in the excrement, etc. AND DON’T HOLD RALLIES AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE YA FUCKIN’ HYPOCRITE QUEEN. [TPM Muckraker via Wonkette Operative "Matt N."]

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Cicada March 5, 2010 at 2:36 pm

Nobody recognized Ashburn because he was performing as Carmen Mymouth, duh.

Joshua Norton March 5, 2010 at 2:38 pm

Would the human body be able to survive the amount of liquor it would have to consume to look at that and think “Hawt Sex!!!”?

canadasteve March 5, 2010 at 2:38 pm

I heard his drag name was Donna Doyawanna.

HipHopOpotamus March 5, 2010 at 2:39 pm

Seriously, they’d get a lot more ass and sexytime if they ‘fessed up.

nbawriter March 5, 2010 at 2:40 pm

His last name is Ass Burn, for Chrissakes. Hello!

Gregoire March 5, 2010 at 2:40 pm

Um, that’s Ms. Hippo Crete to you.

JMP March 5, 2010 at 2:40 pm

So in opposition to gay marriage, he says, “Children must be raised with morals and principles. As a society, we must provide them with a secured and loving environment that allows them to flourish.” Yes, and? There’s nothing in that statement that has anything to do with gay marriage. You know what can hurt a child? Growing up in an unloving environment caused by having a closet-case dad who hates himself and can only pretend to have sexual attraction for his wife.

Nice to see that he has the same math skills as Fox News and the teabaggers; less than twenty people does not equal several hundred.

rambone March 5, 2010 at 2:42 pm

It’s possible to be anti-gay marriage and still be a gay without being hypocritical. No quicker way to stop being gay then to get married, I’ll tell you what!

magic titty March 5, 2010 at 2:43 pm

“You can’t out someone on Facebook because everyone who uses it is a fag.”

- Friendster

queeraselvis v 2.0 March 5, 2010 at 2:45 pm

But wait, there’s more! At that 2005 anti-gay marriage rally, Ashburn said that “Our friends and neighbors in our community are restating the obvious — that the institute of marriage is fundamental to our society. Marriage between one man and one woman is fundamental to civilization.” And so, apparently, is getting divorced, which is what Assburn did.

Glass house, meet large flying boulder.

Harvey Birdman March 5, 2010 at 2:46 pm

[re=525455]JMP[/re]: Men are sexually attracted to their wives?

maximumneanderthal March 5, 2010 at 2:49 pm

On the principle of man bites dog, is it not now time to drop the “gay” part of the phrase “gay republican” -kind of goes without saying, hmm? Now, straight republican? Rarer than rocking horse shit, donchayaknow…..

Monsieur Grumpe March 5, 2010 at 2:54 pm

[re=525472]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]:
Seriously. This guy really must hate himself.

queeraselvis v 2.0 March 5, 2010 at 2:55 pm

[re=525451]canadasteve[/re]: No no. Helena Handbasket.

PlanetWingnuta March 5, 2010 at 2:56 pm

[re=525451]canadasteve[/re]: I heard his name was Anita Dick or was that Haywood Jablowme

JMP March 5, 2010 at 2:59 pm

[re=525474]Harvey Birdman[/re]: I’ve heard rumors of some feeling that way, yes.

PlanetWingnuta March 5, 2010 at 2:59 pm

[re=525488]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: no i think the one who was in the car with him and the ones who had sex with him b4 really do hate themselves more…i mean have u seen his face…he needs to be in a bukkake fest to get that youthful glow again. Talk about Oil of Old Lay.

Extemporanus March 5, 2010 at 3:02 pm

The lyrics of the Dwight Yoakam & Buck Owen song “Streets of Bakersfield”, off the album Buenas Noches from a Lonely Room, are way too fucking apropos not to share in full:

I came here looking for something
I couldn’t find anywhere else
Hey, I’m not trying to be nobody
Just want a chance to be myself

I’ve done a thousand miles of thumbin’
I’ve worn blisters on my heels
Trying to find me something better
On the streets of Bakersfield

You don’t know me but you don’t like me
You say you care less how I feel
But how many of you that sit and judge me
Have ever walked the streets of Bakersfield?

Spent some time in San Francisco
Spent a night there in the can
They threw this drunk man in my jail cell
Took fifteen dollars from that man
Left him my watch and my old house key
Don’t want folks thinkin’ that I’d steal
Then I thanked him as I was leaving, and
I headed for the streets of Bakersfield

You don’t know me but you don’t like me
You say you care less how I feel
But how many of you that sit and judge me
Have ever walked the streets of Bakersfield?

You don’t know me but you don’t like me
You say you care less how I feel
But how many of you that sit and judge me
Have ever walked the streets of Bakersfield?

How many of you that sit and judge me
Have ever walked the streets of Bakersfield?

How many, indeed.

joementum March 5, 2010 at 3:03 pm

Shouldn’t he work out more and be buffer or something? I thought that was a requirement for those people. Other than being a Republican douche of course.

Mr Blifil March 5, 2010 at 3:04 pm

I’m your wicked Uncle Ashburn
and I’m glad you can’t see or hear me

Apologies to Pete Townshend.

Mr Blifil March 5, 2010 at 3:06 pm

BTW, the Pentagon shoot-em-up property rights moran seems to have had quite the case of gay face himself…

grevillea March 5, 2010 at 3:26 pm

Nothing personal, but jeezus fuck I hate posts with funny lyrics/poems. There, I said it.

Extemporanus March 5, 2010 at 3:39 pm

[re=525553]grevillea[/re]: I’m usually right there with you on that, but that song seemed nearly autobiographical.

Not if you’ll excuse me, I have to go post some funny lyrics on that new Palin thread.

BOOBIES! March 5, 2010 at 3:39 pm

Latin drag queens?! What’s wrong with good ole ‘Merkin drag queens, ya closet homo socialist.

sati demise March 5, 2010 at 3:42 pm

So he thinks the more laws against teh gay, the less likely he will be gay, amirite?
Split personality?

Just like the Catholics-

Just like the abstinence only supporters… teens are not going to have sex if they learn about celibacy.


Lascauxcaveman March 5, 2010 at 3:45 pm

As always, the most interesting human angle to the story of this hypocritical, self-loathing homo, is what do the wife and kids think? To be married to this kinda guy, to be fathered by such a two-sided head case, what’s the deal? How long have they known? How do they do they deal with this guy’s two-facedness, his self-destructive dichotomy?

As an uber-normal middle-aged schlub of happily married man w/kids, whose creepiest thoughts are expunged (cathartically, sarcastically) here in comments section of dear ol’ Wonkette, I’m thinking, “How could you do this to your wife and kids, you lying bastard? Did they deserve this? Why didn’t you man up and admit this years ago and just remove yourself to go live the life you were obviously meant to live, and just leave them the hell out of this whole deal?”


Tommmcatt March 5, 2010 at 4:03 pm


Or, as speaking somebody who broke someone else’s heart into a thousand pieces by coming out and ruined her life so that we both could move on honestly, I’m thinking, “You coward, you fucking loser, Stonewall was 42 years ago and you drag a bunch of innocents into your drama because your hate is stronger than even your own natural self? Sickening.”

Let me tell you something, when you are in the closet your whole life is about being in the closet. You play at having a life, but it’s all about the shame and the hiding, and at a certain point, not being able to really live a life just forces you out. In a lot of ways, you don’t really get to choose- the lies and shady-ness just start to suffocate you until you will do anything at all to breathe. Even face your own greatest monster, which is what being gay feels like at that point, like there’s a monster in you forcing you to be the way you are. And if this sounds terrible and uncomfortable, imagine how much you would have to hate gay people to not only persecute them, but to endure this self- suffocation, and to force your family to endure it as well.

It is because of this sick hatred that I don’t pity people who do that, not one bit. Remaining in the closet is one thing, but getting married and becoming part of the anti-gay establishment is quite another, and this guy deserves the ruin he brought upon himself the other night.

And that’s my rant.

GOPCrusher March 5, 2010 at 4:05 pm


(What Would Carrie Prejean Think?)

Mr Blifil March 5, 2010 at 4:10 pm

[re=525553]grevillea[/re]: Some of us have more important things to worry about, like wiping the poop off our dicks.

friendlyskies March 5, 2010 at 4:13 pm

Sweet, a Republican gay sex scandal and a Vatican gay sex scandal, all in the same week! Is it gay-Jesus Christmas?

Allyson March 5, 2010 at 4:32 pm

[re=525511]joementum[/re]: Can’t find the link now, but there was a story a few days ago that said Bakersfield was in the top 10 in % of overweight & obese residents.
Oral fixation much?
(Sorry, could not resist…)

NJB March 5, 2010 at 5:17 pm

I thought I recognized him. He’s one of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence – Sister Boom Boom, I believe.

Rusty Shackleford March 5, 2010 at 5:25 pm

Hmmm, who wants to bet he has a wide stance too?

snideinplainsight March 5, 2010 at 5:30 pm

They failed to mention that the other guy he left with was John Roberts, wearing a Carmen Miranda get-up.

“Never put the bananas in the refrigerator!”

GOPCrusher March 5, 2010 at 5:31 pm

I’m still confused about the “Everybody’s gay” comment. I thought I just had an acute sense of fashion.

Red Zeppelin March 5, 2010 at 6:14 pm

This is like the recurring sketch on Little Britain, where the government minister is seen outside his large house with his large wife explaining how he accidentally slipped in the bathroom and landed on some dude’s dick.

Flanders March 5, 2010 at 6:33 pm

[re=525619]Tommmcatt[/re]: Ashburn is the divorced father of four daughters, Shelley, Shannon, Stacy and Suzana. So much for family values.

Hemp Dogbane March 5, 2010 at 7:04 pm

[re=525596]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I’m checking with Karl Rove about your question. I’ll get right back with the answer.

mollymcguire March 5, 2010 at 7:31 pm

Buttsects: The gift that keeps on giving.

Lascauxcaveman March 5, 2010 at 7:42 pm

[re=525619]Tommmcatt[/re]: I guess you’d know! (Must be hell.)

[re=525755]Hemp Dogbane[/re]: I guess he’d know! (But he won’t tell.)

[re=525747]Flanders[/re]: Ah, divorced, then? Perhaps the family drama already played out long ago, and mom and the kids have moved on with their lives, then. Hope so.

smellyal8r March 5, 2010 at 8:31 pm

Haw haw haw…I love it when closet cases just stop in to “use the restroom”, then stick around for a “few drinks” with “these nice people”. Being a flamer myself, it makes this all the more special. I also see that the closet (D) case Rep. Massa today quit since he was making googly noises at a “male aide”.

the problem child March 5, 2010 at 10:23 pm

[re=525619]Tommmcatt[/re]: That needed to be said, snark zone notwithstanding.

S.Luggo March 6, 2010 at 2:33 am

[re=525596]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Pre-incident, Ash was divorced.

DC Hates Me March 6, 2010 at 4:08 am

When I see his picture .. it really, really creeps me out .. like a moray eel with dentures. I need to run out of the room screaming hysterically … sssyyyyyeeeehffhfhfhiigofdosifjjgff!!1x

redheadstepchild March 6, 2010 at 2:21 pm

Guys, it really isn’t this guys fault. Bakersfield breeds self hatred. Straight, gay, whatever. Anybody living in bakersfield is going to have some self hate issues. It’s where hope goes to die, get bad tatoos, a lifted truck and a dudebro outfit. I’m just sorry it had to express itself in this way.

Darkness March 6, 2010 at 6:30 pm

The gays I have known are all closet republicans. I think I see the larger fear here. If the democrats sacrifice an election cycle or two to force equal rites (ahem) for gays through, then all the gays will be free to be republican. So, the democrats will have sacrificed for nothing, hmmm, except all the rapturists and god-botherers will have to split from the republicans because it will then be a party of openly gay, instead of proper, jebus-intended self hating gay. Leaving the republican party with only the wealthy tax dodgers and war foreverz crowd, and no foot soldiers.

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