John King Named ‘John King, USA’ After Himself Due To Modesty

by Sara K. Smith

Journey without maps.If you’ve been waking up in the middle of the night with a quiet sense of dread and the distinct sensation that something terrible is about to happen, don’t worry! It’s just your subconscious wondering if anybody ever decided what to call that new John King show on CNN.

So what will they call it, this show anchored by John King, featuring things that happen in the USA?


[Political Ticker]

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Chernobyl Soup March 5, 2010 at 9:36 am

Why not just call it “This fake Apple iPad thingy is so fucking cool show” and be done with it?

Delicious March 5, 2010 at 9:39 am

CNN, Douchebags

bfjm March 5, 2010 at 9:39 am

Air jordan(1-24)shoes $33

BOOT $50

Nike shox(R4,NZ,OZ,TL1,TL2,TL3) $35
Handbags(Coach lv fendi d&g) $35
Tshirts (Polo ,ed hardy,lacoste) $16

Jean(True Religion,ed hardy,coogi) $30
Sunglasses(Oakey,coach,gucci,Armaini) $16
New era cap $15

Bikini (Ed hardy,polo) $25

…… , . – . – , _ , ………
……… ) ` – . .> ‘ `( …….
…….. / . . . .`\ . . \ ……..
…….. |. . . . . |. . .| ……..
……… \ . . . ./ . ./ ……….
……….. `=)\ /.=` ……….
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…………… `)| … , ………
……………. || _.-’| ………
…………. ,_|| \_,/ ……….
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….. ‘-…’-._..\||/ ………….
……… >_.-`Y| ……………

TGY March 5, 2010 at 9:41 am

We got rid of kings with the British. That was before the British Invasion, of course.

Dean Booth March 5, 2010 at 9:41 am

It would be so much cooler if he did the news using backlit sand, like this:

Joshua Norton March 5, 2010 at 9:41 am

They had to call it that. Otherwise people would think they were watching “Larry King”.

Monsieur Grumpe March 5, 2010 at 9:42 am

I also can’t believe your getting paid to do this John.

……………. || _.-’| ……… haha brilliant!

Crank Tango March 5, 2010 at 9:44 am

[re=525186]bfjm[/re]: wow. Is that what the kids call ASCII art? Cuz it looks like art to me! Seriously! Brilliant!

Sign me up for every Ed Hardy item you have!!!!!

Larry McAwful March 5, 2010 at 9:45 am

[re=525191]Joshua Norton[/re]: They could call it “John King–No Relation.” But then people might confuse it with “Anthony Bourdain–No Reservations.” Of course, that would only affect people with short attention spans, which is something like 70% of the United States.

Mr Blifil March 5, 2010 at 9:48 am

Acid-Tipped Dick, USA

proudgrampa March 5, 2010 at 9:50 am

proudgrampa, USA

FlownOver March 5, 2010 at 9:53 am

Also rejected: “Hey! Where’s My Foreskin?”

loquaciousmusic March 5, 2010 at 9:54 am

This brings a whole new meaning to the song “Born in the U.S.A.”

Manos: Hands of Fate March 5, 2010 at 9:56 am

[re=525186]bfjm[/re]: Do they still make Air Jordans and are kids still getting mugged for them?

Joshua Norton March 5, 2010 at 9:58 am

They should just call every show “Ow My Balls!”

x111e7thst March 5, 2010 at 9:59 am

I sometimes wake up with an itch and an unpleasant discharge. Is this comparable to the quiet sense of dread to which you refer?

JMP March 5, 2010 at 10:00 am

Another boring old white guy, USA

JMP March 5, 2010 at 10:02 am

[re=525186]bfjm[/re]: Yeah, but do you have fashionable track suits?

DickTaterPeeNoShay March 5, 2010 at 10:06 am

[re=525190]Dean Booth[/re]: Skoalrebel can do that with spit

thesheriffisnear March 5, 2010 at 10:06 am

[re=525211]JMP[/re]: How about: Another Milquetoast, Mediocre, Middling…you get the picture.

Cape Clod March 5, 2010 at 10:11 am

I think they would get more people to watch if the called it “John King, Edible Underwear.”

Boojum March 5, 2010 at 10:14 am

[re=525206]loquaciousmusic[/re]: They changed it. Now it’s “Born in the Kenya/Hawaii/Muslin terrorist!!!!11!!!”

norbizness March 5, 2010 at 10:16 am

Those Spitting Image puppets keep getting creepier and creepier.

Whitey Did Katrina March 5, 2010 at 10:17 am

[re=525212]JMP[/re]: Yes bfjm plz answer on the fashionable track suits. I am looking for something in a “night on the town” velour with a very large logo on the back. Tear away pants a plus.

Mojopo March 5, 2010 at 10:17 am

Auh! I don’t get CNN. John King is a humorless Spock-like character, minus the charm, who secretly wants to be Toby Kieth. That’s not programming, that’s a reason to listen to NPR.

V572625694 March 5, 2010 at 10:23 am

So he’s already visited 50 states, is sick of it, and wants to stay home with wifey Dana whoever it is. Perfectly normal. So they should call it “John King, interviewing Chuck Hegel, Chuck Schumer, Mary Matalin, John McCain, and all the usual camera whores in DC.” Catchy, huh?

Oh, and [re=525186]bfjm[/re], please die with festering boils. O Wonkette Overlords, please extract your mighty banhammer from loop on your overalls, and squash this bug. We’re trying to run a sophisticated site her.


queeraselvis v 2.0 March 5, 2010 at 10:27 am

[re=525221]Cape Clod[/re]: Better yet, “John King: Triple Dickin.’”

tbogg March 5, 2010 at 10:33 am

John King: Tappin’ Across America’s Restrooms”

queeraselvis v 2.0 March 5, 2010 at 10:34 am

[re=525186]bfjm[/re]: ASCII penis FAIL.

Buzz Feedback March 5, 2010 at 10:36 am

I’m Bangin’ Dana Bash USA.

gurukalehuru March 5, 2010 at 10:42 am

[re=525239]V572625694[/re]: For once, I agree. There has never before been been anyone who so deserved the banhamer, right up the side of his or her nasty little head.

JMP March 5, 2010 at 10:43 am

They can also break from the past with “John King: not a crazy old racist orange-faced birther.”

Or go formal with “King, John”. And remind us all of the Robin Hood villain who was weak enough to bring on the first dent in the Monarchy’s absolute power.

Botswana Meat Commission FC March 5, 2010 at 10:54 am

I want to see an ASCII picture of an actual Ed Hardy shirt, complete with all the tacky rose thorns and tigers and jizz stains.

blkblt March 5, 2010 at 11:00 am

Bashin’ Dana, USA

Mr Blifil March 5, 2010 at 11:03 am

[re=525249]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: I thought it was an Oscar tribute…

JMP March 5, 2010 at 11:04 am

[re=525254]gurukalehuru[/re]: I had hoped the fashion spambot onslaught would cease after Xmas passed. But nope, here it’s March and it’s back under yet another name. C’mon, Sara; it’s Hammer time!

And the ASCII image puts that beyond even that satiricalpolital blogwhore for annoyance. Though if you squint, it could look like a set of trucknuts.

bitchincamaro March 5, 2010 at 11:06 am

“The John King Show: Slightly More Loathesome Than That [re=525186]bfjm[/re] Show”

weejee March 5, 2010 at 11:22 am

[re=525211]JMP[/re]: Boring old white guy? How’s bout “John King You Ess, Eh? a slog with the BOWG”

honkyman March 5, 2010 at 11:45 am

My first job in this business was as an intern, and that says it all.

TGY March 5, 2010 at 11:45 am

[re=525249]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Or a circumcision gone horribly wrong.

Mad Brahms March 5, 2010 at 11:52 am

[re=525269]bitchincamaro[/re]: And yet still funnier than Leno, if unintentionally so!

“John King looks out bus windows, sees things, comments about them”. He’s the Thomas Friedman of CNN!

Snarkalicious March 5, 2010 at 11:59 am

Will John King’s on-air prices be better than

Lascauxcaveman March 5, 2010 at 12:25 pm

I can’t believe he let slip this opportunity to be “King of America.”

sezme March 5, 2010 at 12:56 pm

He thought he was the King of America
Where they pour Coca Cola just like vintage wine

Autoo March 5, 2010 at 1:03 pm

[re=525329]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Yes, that was a brilliant mistake.

Accordion-o-rama March 5, 2010 at 1:12 pm

[re=525249]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Think of it as an ASCII Cthulhu penis.

RoscoePColtraine March 5, 2010 at 1:21 pm

Today we are all in “like” with John King.

Ahh, to be able to use the ol’ 8th grade terminology again.

Limeylizzie March 5, 2010 at 1:32 pm

[re=525186]bfjm[/re]: Say, does that stand for “Big Fucking Jack-off Merchant” perchance?

Magnus Maximus March 5, 2010 at 1:34 pm

Botswana MCFC, I just want to see Harry Reid wearing an Ed Hardy shirt, baby blue plaid shorts, matching flipflops, and cool guy sunglasses by RayBan. is that too much to ask?

Extemporanus March 5, 2010 at 1:38 pm

[re=525269]bitchincamaro[/re]: “bfjm shox ,(U$A) \|..,_.8–D~..,.-(“ is an awesome show!

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