By the Comics Curmudgeon
Did you know that right now, thanks to some extra-tasty crack that the Gays slipped to the members of the DC City Council, dudes are marrying other dudes in our nation’s capital, and ladies are marrying ladies? This has been happening for about five years, of course, but only in parts of the country like “Vermont” and “Iowa,” which don’t count and may not even exist. But now it’s happening right here in the seat of government! The city where our Founding Fathers gathered to sign the most important documents in our history — the Magna Carta, the Second Amendment, and the Contract With America!
What will become of our great nation now that the fiendish homosexual lusts so long writhing beneath the surface of Washington’s “polite society” will be certified on forms misfiled by bored municipal bureaucrats? In times like these, we need to turn to the words of our prophets, and what American has more right to that title than Rick Santorum, who predicted this would all lead to a rash of “man on dog”? Anyway, long story short, here’s a bunch of cartoons about people getting it on with animals. (Oh, and don’t worry too much about those married gays in D.C. — they still don’t have representation in Congress or anything like that!)
Man, it’s almost like the animals were just waiting for gay marriage to become the law of the land, so that they could start fucking us! Certainly this fat Wall Street fat-cat horse had some rather elaborate ideas about Uncle Sam, and the hot and sexy S&M games that it would play with him, when the time came. Lash him to the cart! Make him drag me through the streets! Let all the world see who is in charge, and who is the beast of burden! What’s that? Are you trying to say your “safe word,” Uncle Sam? Sorry, I can’t hear you, through the bridle! Oh, don’t worry, I’ll get you your “feed bag.” Yes, you’ll be getting that soon enough! I’ve got your “feed bag” … right here! (HINT: By “feed bag,” the horse refers to his genitals, which he would like Uncle Sam to manipulate orally.)
Once Uncle Sam went public with his horse-lovin’ ways, our political class just started letting it all hang out, if by “it” we mean “their love for fucking hoofed mammals” and “their pale flesh.” Like Nancy Pelosi and this hot, hot donkey-boy! Naturally, the representative from the depraved city of San Francisco (more like San Fran-sicko, amiright?) won’t be engaging in vanilla bestiality. No, like America’s glorious symbol Uncle Sam, she is pulled into a twisted world of sexual power games, playing “High Priestess of Huitzilopochtli and Tlaxcalan captive.” And, you know, if a few innocent donkey-boys have their hearts literally ripped from their chests during these charged sexual encounters, well, those are the breaks, you know? (This later served as the basis for the direct-to-DVD film Basic Instinct III: Curse of Cortez.)
The Republicans, of course, also got on board with this rash of animal-fucking, but they did it their way — which is to say, they attempted to take the radically expanded list of potential subjects of sexual desire and suborn it to the existing bourgeois order that they already understood and supported. For instance, in this cartoon, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin has just has intimate relations with a moose. But do we see any of the dangerous, boundary-pushing joie de vivre demonstrated by Nancy Pelosi and her donkey-boy? No. Instead, we have a perfect image of middle-class normalcy. Our moose is carefully putting his businessman’s clothes on again. He and Governor Palin, far from having expanded their horizons of what intimacy might mean, appear to be engaging in the same sort of small-minded, petty bickering that husbands and wives all over America fall prey to every day. As he tightens his (symbolically noose-like) necktie and looks in the mirror, one imagines that the moose is thinking: Is this all there is? Is this the only result of my world-shattering transgression? This suit, this tie, this mirror, this woman, this life? Wouldn’t I have been happier out on the tundra, rubbing up against that oil pipeline?
This philosophical implications of all this man-animal sexing would have to wait, however, as there was a much more pressing question: Will all this sexual intercourse with beasts make the humans themselves bestial in turn? Turns out yeah, probably. Barack Obama, who had been smoking underneath the bleachers behind the White House when this outbreak of sexytime bestiality had hit critical mass, innocently wandered out into mixed company, only to be attacked by a crazed Republican who tried to eat him. This gave rise to an emergency act of Congress that limited human-animal sex to human-herbivore sex, a move immediately protested by wolf and badger fetishists.
In non-animal-fucking news, I am reasonably certain that this is the first cartoon I’ve ever spotted on the beloved Slate political cartoon thingie to feature an actual penis. It’s supposed to be a statue, and for reasons unclear to me those things are generally given a pass on the whole public nudity issue (though not by John Ashcroft, by gum!) but whatever, it’s a big dingus, right where the children can see it, because we know how much children love political cartoons, right? The cartoon is Russian, and by the same cartoonist who depicted Paul Wolfowitz as a terrifying money-vomiting vampire-vulture thing, so this is by comparison actually a quite sane and normal depiction of statues going on strike, for some reason.