Cartoon Violence!By the Comics Curmudgeon
Did you know that right now, thanks to some extra-tasty crack that the Gays slipped to the members of the DC City Council, dudes are marrying other dudes in our nation’s capital, and ladies are marrying ladies? This has been happening for about five years, of course, but only in parts of the country like “Vermont” and “Iowa,” which don’t count and may not even exist. But now it’s happening right here in the seat of government! The city where our Founding Fathers gathered to sign the most important documents in our history — the Magna Carta, the Second Amendment, and the Contract With America!

What will become of our great nation now that the fiendish homosexual lusts so long writhing beneath the surface of Washington’s “polite society” will be certified on forms misfiled by bored municipal bureaucrats? In times like these, we need to turn to the words of our prophets, and what American has more right to that title than Rick Santorum, who predicted this would all lead to a rash of “man on dog”? Anyway, long story short, here’s a bunch of cartoons about people getting it on with animals. (Oh, and don’t worry too much about those married gays in D.C. — they still don’t have representation in Congress or anything like that!)

Man, it’s almost like the animals were just waiting for gay marriage to become the law of the land, so that they could start fucking us! Certainly this fat Wall Street fat-cat horse had some rather elaborate ideas about Uncle Sam, and the hot and sexy S&M games that it would play with him, when the time came. Lash him to the cart! Make him drag me through the streets! Let all the world see who is in charge, and who is the beast of burden! What’s that? Are you trying to say your “safe word,” Uncle Sam? Sorry, I can’t hear you, through the bridle! Oh, don’t worry, I’ll get you your “feed bag.” Yes, you’ll be getting that soon enough! I’ve got your “feed bag” … right here! (HINT: By “feed bag,” the horse refers to his genitals, which he would like Uncle Sam to manipulate orally.)

Once Uncle Sam went public with his horse-lovin’ ways, our political class just started letting it all hang out, if by “it” we mean “their love for fucking hoofed mammals” and “their pale flesh.” Like Nancy Pelosi and this hot, hot donkey-boy! Naturally, the representative from the depraved city of San Francisco (more like San Fran-sicko, amiright?) won’t be engaging in vanilla bestiality. No, like America’s glorious symbol Uncle Sam, she is pulled into a twisted world of sexual power games, playing “High Priestess of Huitzilopochtli and Tlaxcalan captive.” And, you know, if a few innocent donkey-boys have their hearts literally ripped from their chests during these charged sexual encounters, well, those are the breaks, you know? (This later served as the basis for the direct-to-DVD film Basic Instinct III: Curse of Cortez.)

The Republicans, of course, also got on board with this rash of animal-fucking, but they did it their way — which is to say, they attempted to take the radically expanded list of potential subjects of sexual desire and suborn it to the existing bourgeois order that they already understood and supported. For instance, in this cartoon, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin has just has intimate relations with a moose. But do we see any of the dangerous, boundary-pushing joie de vivre demonstrated by Nancy Pelosi and her donkey-boy? No. Instead, we have a perfect image of middle-class normalcy. Our moose is carefully putting his businessman’s clothes on again. He and Governor Palin, far from having expanded their horizons of what intimacy might mean, appear to be engaging in the same sort of small-minded, petty bickering that husbands and wives all over America fall prey to every day. As he tightens his (symbolically noose-like) necktie and looks in the mirror, one imagines that the moose is thinking: Is this all there is? Is this the only result of my world-shattering transgression? This suit, this tie, this mirror, this woman, this life? Wouldn’t I have been happier out on the tundra, rubbing up against that oil pipeline?

This philosophical implications of all this man-animal sexing would have to wait, however, as there was a much more pressing question: Will all this sexual intercourse with beasts make the humans themselves bestial in turn? Turns out yeah, probably. Barack Obama, who had been smoking underneath the bleachers behind the White House when this outbreak of sexytime bestiality had hit critical mass, innocently wandered out into mixed company, only to be attacked by a crazed Republican who tried to eat him. This gave rise to an emergency act of Congress that limited human-animal sex to human-herbivore sex, a move immediately protested by wolf and badger fetishists.

In non-animal-fucking news, I am reasonably certain that this is the first cartoon I’ve ever spotted on the beloved Slate political cartoon thingie to feature an actual penis. It’s supposed to be a statue, and for reasons unclear to me those things are generally given a pass on the whole public nudity issue (though not by John Ashcroft, by gum!) but whatever, it’s a big dingus, right where the children can see it, because we know how much children love political cartoons, right? The cartoon is Russian, and by the same cartoonist who depicted Paul Wolfowitz as a terrifying money-vomiting vampire-vulture thing, so this is by comparison actually a quite sane and normal depiction of statues going on strike, for some reason.

Meanwhile, Eric Holder is all concerned that innocent women and children might be killed by bombs. Can you believe that guy? What a fucking pussy!

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  1. Yay, the 404 error is gone; we can see our cartoons! Our horrible, horrible cartoons

    It is great that the conservative columnists and cartoonists think they can just invent reality; and the media lets them do it. They think that claiming that something that’s supported by about 70% of the population is actually unpopular will somehow make it so.

    One thing that’s nice about some of the recent bouts of wignut insanity, like Assy’s cartoon here, is that they tell us that, yes, they find the idea of basic simple human decency to deserve mockery; they really are truly evil people.

  2. Couldn’t Nancy be doing her Mayan sacrifice ritual with Chuck Asay and his touching lack of concern for innocent women and children instead? Oh, and I love the Pat Oliphant one, although he could’ve had Palin’s hair up in that ghastly pelican’s nest of a bun she was wearing on Leno the other night — that would’ve been more frightening and still realistic.

  3. [re=525331]SayItWithWookies[/re]: The Mayan sacrifice one (Ken Catilino, it looks like – the name’s hard to make out) is weird, because while the text is criticizing Pelosi, he puts her in a skimpy little outfit and makes her (a sixty-something year old grandmother) look like she has a hot body. Someone looks to be illustrating a sexual fantasy about our Speaker instead of making a point.

  4. What will become of our great nation now that the fiendish homosexual lusts penises so long writhing wriggling beneath the surface of in Washington’s “polite society” anuses will be certified videotaped on forms misfiled cameras operated by bored municipal bureaucrats?

    [ /fixed ]

  5. Phrases like this are we we love you, Herr Fruhlinger:”…a move immediately protested by wolf and badger fetishists”. Well played, sir, well played.

    Haha, Eric Holder, what a maroon. Those women are just waiting to pop more terrirsts out of their heathen wombs, amirite? Besides, it’s not like the Taliban is sitting their with camcorders or anything to record our wanton destruction.

  6. Of all the offerings here, only Oliphant’s cartoon actually does depict bestiality–OK, it’s gruesome/mundane aftermath–but still. Pat’s tapped into a new vein of crazy in his old age, and I like it.

  7. In all seriousness, when do you suppose they’ll start openly pining for the simpler days of the Mi Lai Massacre? I smell a contrarian rehab cooking…

  8. For the benefit of retarded politcal cartoonists, the air strike rules (which happen to be the same for mortars, artillery and Starfleet’s Phasers, too, if we had them) have been in effect since at least 2003, probably lots longer. There is a thing in military ballistics known as Circular Error Probability and this is known for every munition. The retard version of ballistics is this: You want to kill the bad guys, not innocent bystanders (even if they’re cheerleaders for the other team ), so you have to choose the right ammo. This is done for you by Ph.D.’s in ballistics, not lawyers. It takes into account things like weather, size of the blast and how often the munition misses (by chance) those bastards shooting at you.

    Now, stop coloring because it’s nap time.

  9. [re=525336]JMP[/re]: The tits on the donkey were confusing as well — I was thinking this might be some sort of May-December-lesbobestiality fantasy. But then the cartoonist is probably a fat middle-aged Republican and — projecting as is their wont — thinks all males have moobs.

  10. I’ve said several times in this feature that David Horsey is the political cartoonist that draws the best gorgeous babes. I will make an addendum to that rule, in favor of Oliphant, who draws the best scary-looking slags.

    Also, Assey, WTF?! (As usual)

  11. [re=525347]steverino247[/re]: Ooh! It’s been around since Reagan! Check this out: “The Mark 6 guidance system on Trident II is a star-sight aided inertial guidance system, which gives a CEP of 120m.” This means St. Ronnie wanted to drop 120KT of nukes within 120 meters (although I’m sure he used the term “yards” before the French took over scientific measures) of the Rooskies.

    Mr. President, we can ill afford a CEP gap!

  12. [re=525336]JMP[/re]: Nah, when you’re filling the wingnut cartoon niche, you have to know your audience, and all the sexual repression that entails. The number one rule, once you get past the panty-sniffing, bug-eyed watermelon eating, and tut-tutting, is tits or GTFO. Showing actual saggy gramma boobs with this clientele would create traumatic flashbacks whose devastating impact would be acute, sort of along the lines of the effect of strobe lights on epileptics.

  13. In regards to the headline on this post, howcum we haven’t had a any PETA trolls commenting that “people have been screwing animals” for millennia? Have we chased all the vegans outta here?

  14. Most of the time I don’t care when I don’t understand the cartoonists intent (I just blame them), but I am really curious why Oliphant had Sarah fucking a moose.

  15. 1. First of all, it’s AZTEC sacrifice, NOT Mayan, you assholes. The Mayans got all jiggy only on Hell Night in Detroit each Halloween and during their RNC annual convention.

    2. In the Stanford Law Review of Aberrant Behavior and Retail Shopping, Johnny Yoo has an article which concludes once and for all that ritual human sacrifice is outside the scope of the Girl Scout Pledge.

    [re=525357]comicbookguy[/re]: Check out Palin’s National Geographic (emphasis on the “graphic”) Special on the Petting Zoo Channel.

    [re=525467]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Win.

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