Wonkette
California State Sen. Roy Ashburn, a major family values, anti-gay Republican father of four, also likes to FUCK MEN IN THE ASS. He was pulled over and given a DUI the other night while returning from a Sacramento gay nightclub. Riding in the car with him was another man whom Ashburn was going to rail and slam and draw rainbows on and poop all over. [CBS 13]
What, no rimming?
Heheheh … Assburn.
This is news? I think we need a bit more of a ‘man bites dog’ story.
When asked why he was acting out in such a manner, Ashburn responded that NH State Rep Nancy Elliot’s description of gay sex being a penis “wriggling about in excrement” was so enticing he just had to experience it for himself.
Ashburn? It’s got to be a joke.
I’d make the joke about gay bars in Sacramento being the real news again, but have already been corrected. But does the whole county still smell sickly sweet when they do the rice harvest?
Spring is right around the corner. The Republican naughty bits are awaking from their slumber. Its my favorite time of year.
Hey! He’s not gay. His boyfriends are.
They ALL protest waaaaay too much.
Was the other guy in the car Douthat?
Oh, the humanity.
Ew, the poop-wriggling.
If he’d just “finished himself,” he wouldn’t be in this pickle.
Just a bit of constituent servicing, that’s all.
Alright, you Repub grunts! Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em!
I thought Republicans were usually bottoms. Which the name Assburn would seem to confirm.
Shouldn’t the head line read “finishes himself”?
Ha ha, Democratic strategist: “He should come out and apologize.”
The bad thing is that now he can claim he’s being attacked only because he’s gay.
Jesus Christ, are there ANY straight Republicans??!!
GOP State Senator Caught… (Finish Yourself)
That’s what Mrs. Ashburn said!
What a pleasant non-surprise! This is so fulfilling, I may not drink for the rest of the day. Sure.
Anyway, WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?!??111?!
With a name like “Senator DUI Arrest”, it was only a matter of time before he got pulled over.
I wonder if all the toe-tapping made him stall…
Uhm, why do you assume he’s a top? Most closet cases are raging power bottoms!
Thus begins the era of “Not gay if the balls don’t touch” politics in California.
High five to the reporter for pulling the cool cross behind the cameraman while he points the camera at the street move.
Bravo.
Thou shalt reap what thou wrigglest in.
“There was also a passenger in the car, another man. But he was not identified as a lawmaker.”
Ross Douthat is not a lawmaker…
V572625694: Ha ha! In a statement, Ashburn said, “This is the first time I’ve indulged in gay sex and I’m so sore… I mean so sorry!”
Buzz Feedback: Douthat was wriggling around in his trunk.
I have to “finish myself?” God dammit Wonkette, I demand more happy endings.
It’s his staff’s fault! They booked him at a get together of tea-baggers.
V572625694: Huh, I spent my first ten years in Sutter County - which definitely is Riceland - and don’t remember anything but really hazy air after harvest because of the burning. I was small, though.
Given the cuh-raaaaayzee March of Development up through the flood plains*, I would think you would only get that when the north wind is coming through, via places they Still Actually Grow Food.
* As a middle-aged person with aging parents, I often wonder if I will end up living there again. I have practiced the “I grew up here, don’t even think about showing me something in the flood plain” speech.
Yay. How many other tipsters sent that one in? Early Cummer this year?
I’m still LOLing that Mr. Free Enterprise Small Government pulled these shenanigans in a STATE CAR, as well.
snoidoid: What? Poles?
This is the transcript from the police video of the arrest:
Officer: Oh, hey, didn’t I see you at Faces the other night?
Ashburn: Uhhhhhh…..
Officer: How often do you go there?
Ashburn: Define often.
Officer: You’re under arrest.
He needed to personally experience teabagging. For the team. How can he represent something without fully understanding how the beautiful movement works?
THIS HAPPENED FOUR BLOCKS AWAY FROM this coffee shop I used to work at. And I used to go to Faces with friends every once in awhile. I am tickled pink, really.
As an unwilling resident of Sacramento, I am so happy that our little town helped bring a GOP anti-gay zealot/bigot to his knees. Zing!
Faces is just a couple of blocks away. I hope he claims that he didn’t know it’s a gay bar. Couldn’t be more gay.
Ross Douthat is not a lawmaker…
He’s more of a bossy bottom.
Gayface starts looking strange on closeted uptight right-wing gay men in their 50s, doesn’t it?
He says he’s going to accept the consequences of his actions. I hope that means he’s out getting tickets to Wicked right now.
This should knock all the caterwauling about Rangel and Massa off teh cable snoozes. NOT.
Junior: It’s the biggest gay bar in the Central Valley, and it’s across the street from The Depot, which is also gay as hell. They used to have six rainbow flags flying over the door, for chrissakes.
Lay off. Ashburn went there for the cuisine.
“Faces” is just a great name for a gay bar. Maybe not as great as “Options,” but totally in the pantheon.
A Tahoe? Fuck, no wonder Cali is broke! In CT the state cars are all Reliant K-cars. Still get better mileage than a fucking Tahoe.
Also, nifty magic stand-up by the reporter.
Tim Was Tim: Yeah, kind of disconcerting the way she popped back into the frame after the cameraman showed the establishing shot of just exactly what a street in Sacramento looks like- if she’d said “Boo” I’d have jumped out of my seat.
His apparent position against gay marriage this is completely understandable. Gay marriage would damage his straight marriage at least. I mean, his boyfriend would probably hassle him to leave his wife, so they could get married. It all makes sense now!
Apparently he represents Barstow.
I myself was somewhere around Barstow, when the drugs began to take hold…
The bastard voted against Harvey Milk Day, but Harvey gets the last laugh. Karma is a bitch.
“Douthat Ashburn” - it’s like a haiku.
March Madness starting early - oops stuffed, oops rimshoot, ahh that’s a swisher
I have no Cocktober-like name for March. What a shame.
P.S. They don’t call it “Sacktown” for nuttin. Ha! {rimshot} Damn! It never stops!
It’s Obama’s fault for ramming health care reform down his throat.
If this asshole was drunk, imagine how drunk his passenger had to have been to even consider sleeping with this grotesque turd.
I dunno, he looks like a bottom to me.
sezme: Absolutely. Everyone knows that all gay-hating, family values Republics are just a DUI or bathroom-bust away from being outed. This story is another example of that mainstream media elitist, Jim Newell, trying to fill up a slow news day.
I’m going to follow a real news story: Word has it that Jim Inhofe (R-Dust Bowl) uttered three consecutive sentences without mentioning god, gays, guns or the Weather Channel. That, Mr. Newell, is real news.
(And a fig newton of my imagination).
AbstinenceOnly Ed: or broke? maybe someone is gonna start blabbing if he gets paid enough?
NJB: Oh, almost certainly. You think these righteous fundamentalist Christian types with their vigorous defense of the traditional family and masculinity REALLY want to dominate? This is a man who thinks he needs to be punished, anally.
What was playing on the car’s CD player? Lerner & Loewe. They didn’t have the fucking decency to enjoy Sondheim or Jason Robert Brown or some of the more highbrow shit. That’s what disgusts me.
This is the Wonkettiest story of the day, methinks.
PerhapsSo: Hm; where it a lesbian scandal, we could use Munch; but that doesn’t work for gay men. March Mad-ass, maybe?
I have nothing against gay sex. However, I do have a problem with old people sex. Just thinking about it is deleterious to my marriage. I think it should be illegal.
PerhapsSo: My first thought was “Men” + “March” = “Mench”, but that sounds kinda like the exact opposite of what we’re going for.
SayItWithWookies: My friend just saw Wicked last night, and she loved it.
The Douthatian reviewer (and commenters) at bigfatgaybreitbart.com? Not so much.
“Wicked is drawn in the gray shades of moral ambiguity and relativism. I long for the shows where good guys are good guys and bad guys are bad guys and we get to root for the right side. And, the biggest problem with Wicked is that the forced political references to George W. Bush’s America are so clumsy and jarring that they completely undo the fantasy world that the actors and designers have worked so hard to create. Any subtle allegory that was intended by the writers is completely undermined when they throw around terms like “regime change” in a show so rooted in fantasy and imagination. It is jarring to the audience, a majority of whom will reflexively be annoyed and defensive upon hearing the show’s villains equated with a man they voted for.”
In his defense, the majority of Bush were (are?) were raging homos.
The best part of this story is that in describing Haggard and past closet-cases, I learned of the phrase “Crystal Methodist”.
artiloop: What the hell’s a power bottom anyway? The term makes me of that cartoon my kids used to watch called Cat/Dog, which is about a two headed creature with a cat on one end and a dog on the other.
Dolmance: It’s like a normal bottom, but battery-operated. You’ll never guess where they attach the electrodes!
The REAL question here is “How do we make a dick joke about march?”. We have cocktober, blowvember, and dickcember, but what do you do with march? Something with dick armey?
“Wicked is drawn in the gray shades of moral ambiguity and relativism. I long for the shows where good guys are good guys and bad guys are bad guys and we get to root for the right side.”
I want to punch this guy until the bones in my hand are splintered.
iwillsavethispatient: Seriously. These days, you fuck a guy one time and he pulls out a ring.
bago: That’s the trouble with this time of year; not of the single-syllable months lend themselves to such names. Well, except for May; but there would be a problem with a straight sex scandal.
Cicada: And mere blocks away from the Capitol building, as well. Jerkface could have spent a few bucks on a cab and saved himself so much trouble.
S.Luggo: and the poppers.
Maus: It just means he longs for his mommy. Decisions are hard, give the guy a break.
In defense of Sen. Ashburn, it wasn’t like he was going to have a committed relationship with his butt-pal. And he certainly wasn’t going to get married to him and raise a family with him. He was simply going to indulge in hot, man on man action, that would keep his heterosexual marriage in tact. So no hypocrisy here.
Plus, with the last name Ashburn, he was probably forced into this by all the teasing he had to endure in middle school.
S.Luggo: Yup. I heard their “meat and three” is FABULOUS.
DustBowlBlues: In the documentary Outrage the main narrator, I think, says, “90% of the cases are Republicans.” The movie is about activists who out closeted lawmakers who vote against gay rights and are homophobic.
It’s fascinating, and until I saw it, I was completely against outing anybody. But I watched it with my 16-year-old lesbian daughter, and we both thought they brought up some really good points, which we hadn’t thought of.
She also said that anytime someone is crazily homophobic she starts to wonder if they’re closeted. If these (mostly) guys aren’t fooling a 16-year-old, even a bright one, how are they fooling others?
I did not have sex with that man from Faces also in the car who was not identified as a lawmaker and was not detained. I did not have time. Thanks, Sacramento constabulary!
Dolmance: http://www.hulu.com/watch/18561/its-always-sunny-in-philadelphia-hes-a-bear
that should teach you everything you need to know!
S.Luggo: Yes, their sausage is superb.
bago: That last sentence of mine was a verbal bone splinter.
S.Luggo: Fagioli in cream sauce?
And more scandal goodness! We’ve got one of the Pope’s top aids caught using his boy’s choir as a prostitution ring.
http://pandagon.net/index.php/site/comments/papal_aide_and_elite_mens_vatican_choir_caught_in_gay_prostitution_ring/
He hates gay men, but he loves their penises.
He doesn’t necessarily like to fuck men in the ass, you know. He might prefer to blow them, or be fucked in the ass himself, or put gerbils in . . . well, you know.
JMP: This quote from that wiretap would look just beautiful transcribed into Latin and put on a scroll beneath a coat of arms:
“Do not touch his balls. You need the money. Put on some music, take out the [inaudible], swallow the Viagra, and adelante!”
SayItWithWookies: LOL I was gonna copy and paste that quote too. ah fuckit
”You’ll get up to 2,000 euros … Do not touch his balls. You need the money. Put on some music, take out the [inaudible], swallow the Viagra, and adelante!”
SayItWithWookies: Please please PLEASE let Sylvia Poggioli read this verbatim on NPR.
SayItWithWookies: JMP: The Pope just faxed this over:
8====D~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~)*(
† Operor non tactus suus balls! †
†††† Vos postulo viaticus! ††††
† Inicio nonnullus music, eximo †
†††† - - - - - - [inaudible] - - - - - - ††††
† voro Viagra , quod adelante! †
8====D~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~)*(
SayItWithWookies: Let’s face it, “do not touch his balls, you need the money” should be good advice for any meeting with a politician.
PerhapsSo: How about a phrase? Like, “March: In like a lion, outed like a lyin’ closeted gay Republican”? Too twee?
Upon being pulled over, Roy was heard to ask “Where is the construction worker and the Indian?”
Franklin Pierce & Pierce: HST, FTW!
Extemporanus: The papal phallis is so eightdees.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3I5nINMSemU&feature=related
March. In like a penis, and out like a santorum.
One Yield Regular: The winner remains San Francisco’s “The End Up.” A local radio station used to rattle off names and the caller had to correctly identify “Steak House or Gay Bar?” Hilarious…
Today we are all back in Cocktober. Covered in Siemens. Also.
JMP: gives a whole new meaning to seminarian.
S.Luggo: Cum of Sum Yung Guy.
Franklin Pierce & Pierce: Yep, he represents parts of Kern, Tulare and San Bernardino Counties. They are just going to love this. Very gay-friendly places. Sadly, Roy was not planning to run for re-election anyway, so the good people of this progressive and tolerant part of California will have to settle for some other hero with a purple boa to represent them.
I presume that if the story is mentioned on the Fair and Balanced network, he will be shown as (D) and not (R).
PM-RN: Or (GAY). Or they probably won’t mention it. Wait– maybe (B) for bottom?
Hunger Tallest Palin: WIN.
Ha ha ha! He represents the next “town” over… conveniently home to a very large Marine Base.