Very important teevee alert: The Oscars are on this weekend. Hooray! It’s Hollywood’s yearly opportunity to decide which theme — the gays, poor black illiterate children, torture, Jews kicking ass, or homeless kids saved by nice white ladies – needs their undivided attention and will provide an acceptance speech that will make conservatives squirm/feel unappreciated/take off their shirts and thump their chests. Please don’t watch it alone.

We suggest you attend one of these Oscars parties:

  • Arlington Cinema ‘N’ Drafthouse: The D.C. Film Society is hosting their annual “And the winner is…” watch party at the Arlington Cinema ‘N’ Drafthouse. The event features local film critics, a silent auction for signed movie scripts, an in-house Oscar ballot contest, and a performance by “So You Think You Can Dance” winners. (Ignore that part!) Party starts at 6:30PM. Tickets are $20.
  • Maddy’s Bar and Grill: Maddy’s is celebrating the Oscars with happy hour specials and in-house Oscar ballot. The winner gets a $50 gift certificate to an undisclosed location.
  • National Museum of Women in the Arts: If you must, MUST go to an Academy-sanctioned viewing party (interestingly, they exist) don’t worry, there’s one in DC — The Oscar Night America Party — and it’s at the National Museum of Women in the Arts. It’s a black tie gala, tickets cost $100 and include an open bar. Oh, and right, there’s of course a charity aspect this: A portion of the proceeds will go to the American Red Cross.
  • Goethe-Institut: At the Washington Film Institutes Oscar Party, hosted at the Goethe-Institut, there will be red carpet for your walking pleasure, a wine and beer open bar, and two big screen teevees. Cost is $25.
  • Nellie’s Sports Bar Watching the Oscars with the Gays will no doubt be a fun and enlightening experience. There’s no cover and there will be drink specials all night long.
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  1. This Sunday I will be celebrating the Academy Awards in my own traditional way: I’ll be going to Sean Penn’s house and yelling to be let in until he and/or Madonna come out and beat the shit out of me. People pay good money for impersonators to do that to them in Vegas and they have no idea that the real thing is free.

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