The Michael Jackson theme song was epic.Are the Christian wingnuts pretending something in the news is offensive to the Jewish Bible they stole from the Jews? Yes they are! Today’s grave offense to the long-dead local deity of the Ancient Hebrews is that imprisoned whale who keeps losing his shit and killing his prison guards. You know what would teach that fucking orca a lesson?

Some group of closeted homosexuals called the “American Family Association” wants you to know that, as always, the way you deal with any problem — especially a problem caused by your own morally repugnant behavior — is to murder the thing that’s giving you a hard time. Try it on your kids!

What about the term “killer whale” do SeaWorld officials not understand?

If the counsel of the Judeo-Christian tradition had been followed, Tillikum would have been put out of everyone’s misery back in 1991 and would not have had the opportunity to claim two more human lives.

Or, you know, maybe don’t enslave your fellow intelligent mammal species, as a start, and then just blow up all the motherfucking “Sea Worlds” and any zoo that isn’t run like the San Diego Wild Animal Park — thousands of acres where the creatures can roam free and hump in the sun, etc.

FREE KILLY! [American Family Association]

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  1. You know what would teach that fucking orca a lesson?

    Letting the Japanese serve it as sushi across the greater Tokyo area?
    (Since it’s not the last of its kind I’m sure the act will lack a certain satisfaction for them. But I bet they’d still be on board.)

  2. No, I’m pretty sure enslaving other intelligent mammals is OK in the Judeo-Christian tradition. The problem is that after the Death Orca killed someone it was supposed to be stoned to death or castrated or forced to pay the family of the victim a goat in reparations or something. Or maybe that’s what happens to the master and the slave just gets recalled, I forget.

  3. So, the Judeo-Christian counsel tradition thingy just stone cold drop kicks Jesus and his “Turn the other cheek” thingy out the door?

  4. Yes, well, if the “counsel” of the Judeo-Christian tradition had been followed 2000 or so years ago, moranic hypocrites like the AFA would have been flogged, stoned to death, and then fire-roasted until properly crispy.

  5. Ship him to Guantanamo bay, and let him swim before a military tribunal! But not without airboarding him first, to get information about the other orcas.

  6. You know what else is black and white and kills people indiscriminately? That’s right: Barack Obama! It all comes round to that one frightening truth.

  7. And the verse these nutballs are referring to specifically says you should stone an offending OX. Whales are not oxen. Unless.. unless you SHOULDN’T always take the Bible literally? But… but then you..

    Oh, no. Oh, OW. My brain. Save me, cognitive dissonance!

  8. Today’s grave offense to the long-dead local deity of the Ancient Hebrews is that imprisoned whale….

    Sorry, Ken, I lost you.

    From the Jewish bible:

    “And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good.” –Genesis 1:21

    That’s YHWH, the ancient Hebrew deity talking. Where does He say not to imprison them?

  9. Last week Reihann Salon or whatever that wingnut’s name was on Bill Maher, and he ranted on and on about how tasty whale meat is, “like prime rib and bacon all in one,” and he seemed to be arguing that that made it okay to kill whales. This is why “conservatism,” as currently configured, is so hateful: it’s just selfishness with an almost transparent veneer of rational thought.

    Another disappointment was that Olivia Wilde was pretty stupid. Which makes her perhaps even more desirable than was already the case.

  10. I think the AFA has this all wrong.

    My pastor said that the orca was God’s punishment for taking prayer out of schools and tolerating gay people.

  11. The passage that moron was quoting from Exodus referred to what happens when your ox gores someone to death. It says nothing about whales. That’s a pretty darn liberal interpretation for a fundamentalist — next thing you know, “love thy neighbor as thyself” doesn’t apply only to the people living next to you, and what do you have? Chaos! Anarchy! I’ll bet this radical apostate interpretation of The LORD’s invariant scripture also concludes that the earth wasn’t made on August 23, 4004 BC, either.

  12. >If the counsel of the Judeo-Christian tradition had been followed,

    Last time I checked, that only applied to ox that tasted sweet human blood.

    Whales are not ox; therefore, fuck off Christards.

  13. [re=523699]Prommie[/re]: I don’t know about the harlots where you live, but the ones here will willingly accept any doobie passed their way.

  14. [gets out bible]

    Let’s see. killer whales… killer whales… killer whales… Nope nothin’.

    Better try “orcas,” being the Holy Word of the Lord, it prolly uses the proper term. Orcas… orca… orcas… nope, nothin’ again. The bible says doodley squat about either orcas or killer whales.

    Honest, it’s like those silly evangelists just make up whatever shit they like and say it’s the Word of God. Huh, who knew?

  15. [re=523703]Oldskool[/re]: An ancient children’s primer, I’d thought. Several versions of some ancient Palestinian propaganda collected for the New stuff.

  16. [re=523709]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Ah, I am so clueless. The Biblical justification is from Exodus Exodus 21:28, quoted here:

    Says the ancient civil code of Israel, “When an ox gores a man or woman to death, the ox shall be stoned, and its flesh shall not be eaten, but the owner shall not be liable.”

    So we are supposed to stone the whale, but not eat it, and Sea World can’t be sued? Now I get it! But how do you go about stoning a whale?

  17. [re=523696]madtowngooner[/re]: The American “Thinker” shares your line of “reasoning”:

    “Standing by the side of the pool, struggling Americans have also been taken off-guard — prodded by Obama, the nation is learning a hard lesson by observing the inborn ideological instincts of a voracious politician. The lesson? As the witnesses of Dawn Brancheau’s death can attest, at the spur of the moment, political animals can “flip out, going as fast as they [can]” and using oppressive policy to thrash even those who falsely believe that ‘Yes We Can’ swim with killer whales.”

  18. Their point is, well, if they’d only put the killer whale out of everyone’s misery after the first time it killed a human, those next two humans would still be alive, which is VERY TRUE. And that’s where logical thinking must stop. No way we could have saved that first human. That whale was determined to kill somebody the minute we brought it in.

  19. How can anyone advocate the murder of Whales, the Pandas of the sea? I don’t recall anyone wanting to off Butterstick!!!

  20. Fred Neil was right. Let all the dolphins and whales loose. In fact, close every zoo – there is now a thing called “teevee” where Junior can see an elephant.

  21. Exodus…. hmmmm…. isn’t that the old law? I can never remember what parts of the Bible contemporary Christians have declared null and void by JESUS, AMEN, and what parts are still in order.

  22. [re=523726]RoscoePColtraine[/re]:
    That whale was determined to kill somebody the minute we brought it in.

    It’s a killer whale. The name says everything. That’s what they are supposed to do. That’s what YHWH intended. Anyone who is pissed off at Orca is pissed off at God. And God doesn’t like it if you are pissed off at him. It pisses him off.

  23. [re=523706]V572625694[/re]: Fortunately, whales realize that they’re just going to get harpooned eventually so they gorge themselves on mercury. According to my research, which is 5 seconds of wiki, he’ll go blind and lose his skin in 10 minutes.

  24. If Jebus didn’t want us to kill everything that moves, including each other, he wouldn’t have given us guns and stuff. Take that ya orca hugging hippies! Sarah Palin/Orca 2012, also.

  25. Little known TRUE FACT:

    Tillikum was kicked out of the Orcan Army for being gay, though he swears to this day that his presence at a no-blowholes-barred podbang was just a fluke.

  26. Stupid AFA doesn’t realize it would cost too much money for Sea World enterprises to kill their gravy train. Who the hell is going to go to Sea World to see dolphins & some stupid high school kids dance around in fish costumes?

    Don’t get the mistaken impression that Sea World is pro-animal; they are just pro-profit. You’d think the dumb fucks @ AFA would know that.

  27. [re=523720]Aurelio[/re]: Right, but it seems like the really important thing is the not-suing, not the whale-killing, at any rate.

    Besides, if we’re getting really biblical, then the whales started it, when the whales started it, with Jonah. Imprisoning them now is just us getting extended revenge on them. After all, Exodus 20 says, “for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me”

  28. Life must be exhausting for a reactionary. The TV is a devil box filled with sex, drugs, violence [though this is not so bad], brown people and gayness. Any show without these explicit elements are just CODED communist sedition. Music makes people fornicate.. Your neighbors are always doing things you find objectionable. Hollywood is basically shoving its dick down your throat right now, by existing (or by tricking you into seeing movies). Education is elitist and communist at the same time. Weather is immoral, unless it’s being directed by God. Being Christian today is exactly the same as being a slave 200 years ago. And not nearly enough things or people that deserve to die are being actively murdered, except fetuses, who are too much.

    Guys, have you ever considered that people look down on you not ideologically, but because you’re personally insufferable?

  29. [re=523737]Serolf Divad[/re]: Oh, it’s easy — anything ridiculous or outdated is Old Covenant (which really means one of the many Old Covenants, but nevermind), unless it’s also mentioned in the New Testament, like the homophobic rantings of that pervy charlatan bully Saul of Tarsus, in which case it still holds. And if there’s anything that’s strictly Old Covenant that you still want enforced, then Jesus the Hippie mentioned that not one jot of the Law will be overturned.
    And if those rules seem inherently contradictory, there’s an ultimate law to follow: It’s not The Bible that’s contradictory, it’s your flawed, puny understanding of it that sees contradictions in the ineffable wisdom of God’s Plan. And if you say “well, why doesn’t God just tell us his plan and make everything perfectly clear,” the rule is that God wants you to come to him by faith and not by evidence. And then if you ask why, in that case, the flawed and self-contradictory Bible is held up as evidence for God’s existence, the answer is, “shut up.”

  30. [re=523723]Extemporanus[/re]: Wow. Just, wow. I guess when someone has no sense of irony (or shame), he doesn’t have to worry about self-parody or unintentional snark.

  31. YOU GUYS NO STOOOOOOOP! What if Jonah’s in there!!

    And by Jonah, I obviously mean Jonah Goldberg (because K-LO is a fat whale).

  32. Aren’t we completely overlooking another factor here, folks? Thousands of people have paid Tilly a visit, and yet remain alive. Tilly chose not to kill them. Seems his killing preferences are only for those who either try to swim with him, or stand next to the tank and tell him what to do. (I’d also venture to add here that the trainer who was killed died what she loved doing, knew the risks, etc….but…..nah….)

  33. [re=523765]doxastic[/re]:

    “The TV is a devil box filled with sex, drugs, violence [though this is not so bad], brown people and gayness.”

    That probably explains why Americans watch TV more than they read Bibles.

  34. [re=523767]SayItWithWookies[/re]: And then there’s “Song of Solomon” which always gives the believers fits:

    “Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thy speech is comely: thy temples are like a piece of a pomegranate within thy locks. Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men. Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.”

    The whole thing is as beautiful and sexy as, and much smarter than Olivia Wilde:

  35. “The killer whale had torn off his swimming trunks after he died.” Not only is he a killer whale, but he is a GAY killer whale.

  36. [re=523765]doxastic[/re]: Brilliant analysis. These fuckers soap up the shower fixtures so they can’t accidentally see their genitals.

    [re=523699]Prommie[/re]: Harlots have to be stoned to suck genitals for cash I would think.

    [re=523709]SayItWithWookies[/re]: The Sumerians would have been pissed at the Big G creating all over their existing civilization, too.

    And I’m glad to read “and any zoo that isn’t run like the San Diego Wild Animal Park — thousands of acres where the creatures can roam free and hump in the sun, etc.” because my grandkids love the place. The WAP is now officially a “Smite Free Zone.” Woot!

  37. [re=523706]V572625694[/re]: Salam has to be lying–whale meat is renowned for its nastiness–it reportedly has a funky oiliness, and the texture is off-putting. This is why there are ,a href=””>public advertising campaigns in Japan to push whale meat–the Japanese whaling industry isn’t responding to some sort of wild public demand. He’s probably just being paid to shill for a dying industry, and as a bonus gets to appear edgy and contrarian.

  38. I’m Tillikum! (I saw this once in a movie. If we all start yelling “I’m Tillikum”, they won’t know which one is the real killer killer whale, and they can’t kill all of us).

  39. [re=523737]Serolf Divad[/re]: Basically, to the fundies the gospels mean that they get to pick and choose which commands from the Old Testament they want to ignore and which to say are out. So avoiding pork, dairy and meat together, and mixed fabrics are all out; hating the gays, commanding women to be second-class citizens, and demanding parents abuse their children are all in. The justifications for slavery were in, back in the day, but now that they at least want to pretend not to be racist they’re ignored.

  40. [re=523801]doxastic[/re]: Salam seemed like a very smart, very funny man, but his teevee personna is too intense.

    The Spanish are finally giving up on their own special brand of ritual animal abuse too, thank goodness. Only los Veijos still think of the bull “fighters” as rock stars.

  41. WWJD? What would Jonah do? I’m not sure what he did before. I didn’t read the book and I don’t remeber how it ended in the movie.

  42. Hey, as long as they get to kill something — anything, really — everything is just great. Really, anything at all. They luvs them some smitin’. It’s in the good book.

  43. I’m an animal lover with 2 cats. I always play alpha-male with animals and do not tolerate animals attacking people, at all.

    If I had any sort of animal that killed a person, I’m pretty sure I would put the animal down myself. Sure, the animal might have been in captivity or whatever but FUCK HIM!!!

    What if a kid wondered into the backyard of some loon with a crazy pit bull and got mangled to death? Would anyone stick up for the dog because he was obviously raised badly? I don’t think so.

  44. [re=523792]V572625694[/re]: And let’s not forget about that whole David and Jonathan “love surpassing the love of woman” storyline that sends fanaticos into a spitting panic. They were just REALLY CLOSE FRIENDS, or so the story goes.

    [re=523767]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Yep. Several noted religious scholars have even gone so far to have said that the New Testament would’ve been so much better without the presence of Paul.

  45. [re=523822]TheCoolestGuyInTown[/re]: Is it, like, a really annoying, runty kid or it is, like, you know, one of those cute kids you see in sitcoms? Important.

  46. [re=523822]TheCoolestGuyInTown[/re]: “…and do not tolerate animals attacking people, at all.”

    I know, right? Who do these animals think they are, anyway!

    Oh and by the way, Fuck You.

  47. That whale is a serial killer. He doesn’t even eat them. He just kills for sport, stripping them naked and tossing them about like a plaything. The FBI should check his handwriting against the Zodiac Killer.

  48. [re=523822]TheCoolestGuyInTown[/re]:

    Any trainer working with a “KILLER” whale knowingly assumes the risk that the whale will kill him or her. It isn’t a puppy, a bunny or a kitty, it is a KILLER whale.

  49. [re=523720]Aurelio[/re]: Not sue SeaWorld? You know who else doesn’t sue people? Communists, that’s who. Not suing people is communism, sheeple!

  50. “Closeted homosexuals” the AFA is not. It is a group of superstitious fools like most invisible sky god worshipers.


  51. [re=523825]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Sure, take Peter’s side in all this.

    [re=523767]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I knew some kid had really pissed off the nuns with all of their questions before I got there. I just didn’t know until now it was you, Wookies.

  52. I would like to grant Bryan his wish, to live in 2010 according to the ancient Israeli penal code. Best of luck, Bry. ( One of the oldest Jewish sayings is, “Don’t ask for something; you might get it.”)

  53. Back in Eden, Orcas just ate vegetables. Vegetables that didn’t cry out when you bit them with fist-sized razor-sharp incisors and dragged them down to a watery grave. It’s in the Bible.

  54. [re=523840]S.Luggo[/re]: Live by the swordfish, die by the swordfish. These are words I eat by.

    [re=523692]bureaucrap[/re]: [re=523822]TheCoolestGuyInTown[/re]: [re=523831]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: This thread is starting to feel very, very familiar.

  55. [re=523822]TheCoolestGuyInTown[/re]: Um, this isn’t a domestic animal, like a dog, that’s turned violent against humans; it’s a carnivorous wild animal, and is just doing what comes naturally by killing folks.

    [re=523855]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: These guys would be much better off moving to Saudi Arabia, which already has all the rules they want, instead of trying to force everyone else to convert to their lifestyle. So the Saudis call their imaginary friend by a different name; they’re exactly the same otherwise.

  56. OTOH, Sea World could make a fortune by inviting teabaggers to come and punch Killy to death with their fists. Everybody would be allowed 4 or 5 free swings at Killy’s head, provided participants enter the tank in bathing attire and with their hair tied back. WIN/WIN!!1!

  57. I think I’m starting to understand how Jesus fed 5000 people and still had like 12 baskets of “fish” left over, although technically, a whale is not a fish.

  58. What about the term “killer whale” do SeaWorld officials not understand?

    Oh I don’t know, maybe the ‘whale’ part, because, just so’s you know, killer whales are really….wait for it…..dolphins. So obviously they should not be grouped with the rogue-prophet-swallowing, Cap’n Ahab-fleeing sea behemoths, but with the semi-sentient, Axl Rose-saving people-with-blowholes.

    Obviously the thing to do is to put him on trial, military tribunal-style, natch.

  59. Jesus Fucking Christ, man, we’re talking about an animal that turnsgreat white sharks into baby food. Tell me, they give you that “release form” to sign, and you do some serious thinkin’. Anybody who is ready to lay any of the blame on the whale is a fucking fucktard.

  60. When the fuck did the GOP turn into the ALF?


    These guys turned from the John Wayne swaggering swinging dick myth into a bunch of “liberals are full of hate waaaaaaaaaaah” weeping sores. Take it up with PETA.

    Perhaps they want to use the death penalty on animals as well?

  61. Y’all are missing the big picture here. AFA wants Tillikum put to death TO DETER THE OTHERS. The execution must be public, and, for maximum effect, broadcast underwater. All other fish must be made to watch. Including spongebob.

  62. [re=523822]TheCoolestGuyInTown[/re]: You are an idiot. The fact that you’ve deluded yourself into thinking you’re “alpha male” to your two cats just confirms it.

  63. Says the ancient civil code of Israel, “When an ox gores a man or woman to death, the ox shall be stoned, and its flesh shall not be eaten, but the owner shall not be liable.” (Exodus 21:28)

    HEY YOU FUCKING RETARDS, that’s about Oxen, not Killer Whales.

    And, besides, whales aren’t kosher, are they?

  64. [re=523963]Maus[/re]: “When the fuck did the GOP turn into the ALF?”

    Huh, I didn’t know that the GOP fled from a dying world and likes to eat cats. Oh wait, maybe you mean how they’re stuck in the 1980s, in a way that’s dated and frankly embarrassing today.

  65. [re=523825]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Agreed on both points (David & Jonathan whose love was “better than the love of women”; Paul should have just kept persecuting the Christians instead of wading in, writing a bunch of pissed-off letters, and wrecking it from within.)

    Also, read the Gospel of John sometime. John is a dear, but sounds pretty Light in the Loafers. He refers to himself as “the disciple whom Jesus loved” and “the disciple who laid his head on Jesus’ breast”, etc. As Jesus was dying on the cross, he “gave” John & his mother to each other, as family (“Woman, behold your son; Son, behold your mother.”)

    Somebody tell Dan Brown that, although it’s clear to me and some other folks that J. had a Secret Squeeze, it wasn’t Mary Magdalen.

  66. It’s so nice to know that you can always run to a dusty old religious tome to justify killing of anything — whether you’re god-fearin Sarah Palin worshippers or Muslin terr’ists!

  67. [re=523801]doxastic[/re]: Ate it once at a wedding outside Nagoya. Didn’t know what it was until after eating it, otherwise probably would have skipped it. It was like a cross between raw squid (which I’m rather fond of) and raw crocodile (probably what dinosaur tasted like before the popularization of fire by Adam and Eve). I wouldn’t go crazy for it. But it wasn’t heinous, just odd. The Japanese guests went berserk for it. End all and be all for them. But they also love falsely extravagant, overly expensive labels of shitty American liquors too, so there’s that.

    Whales are amazing animals when alive and swimming and socializing and singing and what all whale stuff they do, and that’s kinda my final notion on the subject. Eating them is a fucking crime.

  68. [re=523774]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: I defended a murder client once who wanted me to argue that there were plenty of people he didn’t kill–what about that? Same thing?

  69. [re=523703]Oldskool[/re]: What does Sun Tzu in his Art of War sayeth about killing of hoomans by whales or other large sea mammals? Nothing. And Myamoto Mushashi’s samurai Book of Five Rings? Damn, nothing. (Maybe sushi wasn’t invented then). We need Douglas Adams to weigh in on this.

  70. [re=523754]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Yes. The AFA are undoubtedly pro-profit, anti-socialist, pro-gun killing capitalists. Go Business! But they are too dumb to understand whale snarkery. The Orca simply graphically demonstrated the effects of corporate policy and the financial industry on the rest of us proletariat, i.e. its is shaking the life out of us, killing us, and eating us. The Orca got fed up with all the bullshit metaphors, the obfuscation, and lying of global corporatism, and took matters into its own jaws and fins, by making a statement by killing the white blond woman. Whales are Marxists! Go whales!

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