After an exhaustive review process, your Wonkette proudly recommends CNN for the best “Hawaii coverage.” They know most things about Math. [YouTube, YouTube]

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  1. I’m going to preemptively state that you can’t blame this on the current state of American education, since these fuckers probably graduated from high school 20+ years ago.

  2. Don’t know squat about history
    Don’t know any biology
    Never read any science books
    Pretend to know much about the Spanish I took

    But I do know where Hawaii is
    And I know that if you know where too
    What a wonderful world this would be

    Don’t really care about geography
    Can’t do any trigonometry
    Never much wtih algebra
    Don’t know what a map is for

    But I do know that one and one is six
    And if this one knew how to read a map
    What a wonderful world this would be

    But I was a grade inflated “A” student
    But it’s so bad now I think I am
    So maybe by reading a map, baby
    I can be on the TV

    Don’t know squat about history
    Don’t know any biology
    Never read any science books
    Pretend to know much about the Spanish I took

    But I do know that one and one is six
    And if this one knew how to read a map
    What a wonderful world this would be

  3. Gawd, you can tell the cable channels were thinking/hoping for massive tsunami devastation. Now they have to fill the rest of the night dissecting ‘we dodged a bullet’.

  4. Global climate change may be a hoax but plate tectonics is for real. The Hawiian Islands have moved a couple of thousand miles to the SE in the last few days. Suck on that Fox Nuze.

  5. [re=521405]steverino247[/re]: Righty-o Steve. I’ll bet none of them would pass Himmler’s Aryan ancestry test even though, ironically, their views are probably decidely Nazi-like.

  6. Hey, earlier Ricky the Explorer declared that Haiti was part of the Pacific’s “Ring of Fire”. I guess Cubano kids in Florida don’t get to go to fancy skools like the rest of us.

  7. [re=521408]Serolf Divad[/re]: No, but it means Darwin was in Hawaii when he claimed to have been in the Galapagos. This calls the whole theory of evolution into question.

  8. [re=521392]Chernobyl Soup[/re]: Yeah, we had a tsunami warning all up and down the California coast and I did not hear even one tsunami alert. I had escape routes and and canned goods all ready to go too.

  9. This whole tsunami thing kinda sucks when compared to the hurricanes we get down here, we see ’em coming on TWC for days so there’s plenty of time to buy beer, cigs, tampons, ammo, etc., tie down the trailer and so forth.

  10. Ya pau, CNN? Really, brah?!

    Eh, lolo? Next time, try let da Chilean “Mahu-nami” wriggle around in a sea of excrement a little longer before promising haole geev’um video of hella moke hijo-on-Hilo “Dirty Sanchez”.

  11. [re=521426]Aurelio[/re]: One thousand times what the actual figure is. Would you like to buy a penny? Cost you ten bucks at the NBC store.

    — or —

    About how much Halliburton made between 2003 and 2008.

  12. Can we all at least agree that this means we must invade Hawaii before it can use it’s ability to jump thousands of miles as a weapon of mass destruction? We cannot let Dick Cheney’s fifth heart attack to be in vain.

  13. [re=521398]plowman[/re]: Yes, how observant of you.

    I could tell by the way they cut to a commercial every time Obama or the Democrats spoke at the heath reform meeting.
    Anyone who watched CNN must have thought it was a Republican wet T-shirt contest.

  14. So Hawaii now has one of those Lost donkey-wheel thingies Ben used to move the island? Except Lost is shot in Hawaii…ZOMG HAWAII IS THE ISLAND ITS ALL REAL!!1!

  15. [re=521435]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Thanks. I can never get enough of watching Ricky Sanchez get tasered. Some days, I just kick my feet up on the desk, crack open a cold one, and put that video on a never-ending loop. Zzzzzap! AAAURGHHHH! Zzzzzap! AAAURGHHHH! Zzzzzap! AAAURGHHHH!

  16. [re=521454]Poo Flinger 69[/re]: He is right up there with Caitlin Upton, the Miss Tenn South Carolina who talked about finding USA America on a map.

  17. [re=521469]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: You know, for the sake of ratings, they could add to his repetoire. Perhaps they should consider assigning him stories that would involve him getting stung by swarms of bees, swimming with electric eels, being chased by packs of dogs, etc. Is it too much to ask?

  18. Saturday on Cnn was the most Felliniesque craziness I’ve ever seen. Every other news station had their cameras trained on the Hawaiian coast & Sanchez & that blonde were running around the studio pointing at a globe yelling things. It was so bad Cnn finally cut to live local Hawaiian stations. Lou Dobbs sez Sanchez is an illegal immigrant from crazyland.

  19. [re=521489]dijetlo[/re]: Nonsense — he meant mongooses, who bombed Pearl Harbor 70 years before the Japanese.

    [re=521492]Crank Tango[/re]: A sad result of missionaries bringing the practice of deiophagy to the unlettered primitives. Rule 1: If you’re going to descend on ignorant peoples who might treat you as a god, don’t explain transubstantiation to them until you get them to put down the steak knives.

  20. I was hoping for a huge tsunami in Hawaii, followed closely by Pat Robertson explaining how it was God’s wrath for that state losing the Pro Bowl.

  21. [re=521470]O_o[/re]: Mmm…..Fox New Beach Blonde bimbo cat fight….

    [re=521482]Nerdalicious[/re]: Other than Rick hyperventilating (he snapped at the 18 year old Geologist they brought on to tell people what a tsunami was), CNN was pretty good. MSNBC just showed the same footage over and over and over again and used some sort of computer rendering of what a tsunami was like that depicted a huge a wave crashing over entire luxury resort. Not overdramatic at all.

  22. [re=521426]Aurelio[/re]: Didn’t you mean to say “900 trillion, what is that in ENGLISH?”

    [re=521401]samsuncle[/re]: Clearly you have never seen the John Agar classic “The Mole People”, based on real events.

  23. The news media can’t fucking die soon enough.

    [re=521426]Aurelio[/re]: If jesus walked around the planet 17,000 times a year from when he was born to this year, a quadrillion is how many ants he would have trodden upon.

    [re=521481]Mr Blifil[/re]: Hawai’i (you need the glottal stop.)

  24. [re=521453]CanadianBacon[/re]: They… didn’t, because that’s the Galapagos, not the Falklands.

    See what the media has done to us? Confused us all! Even poor hapless *Canadians*!

  25. Wish they hadn’t cut out what followed:

    Blondie: “No Rick, that’s the Galapagos. No, not the Galapagos who owned the tienda down the street. Try again. Um, sorry Rick, those are the Falklands. No, that’s not the same thing as the geologist guy said, that was ‘faultlines.’ One more chance. [slaps head] Oh for Christ’s sake, that’s the smudge mark on the screen that you left when you tried to find Haiti on the map. God, I need a drink…”

  26. [re=521505]Darkness[/re]: On Bill Maher the other day, a guest media pundit kept complimenting the republicans for having a more effective message on HRC. Of course, Maher nor anyone else on the panel thanked her and media for perpetuating their horseshit.
    Yeah, the MSM needs to hurry up and die. I can get all things news on Palin by going to her facebook/twatter myself.

  27. Obama is from Hawaii, a foreign island nation off the coast of South America. Hugo Chavez, an America-hating socialist, is also from South America. Wake up sheeplez!

  28. Good Morning Wonkett!

    The Int’l newzfeeds tell me that the USA of Merika and Soviet Canuckistan hockey teams are right now at a tie score and going into overtime for the gold medal – perhaps this is the event that provokes the long-overdue US-Canada War…. but of course CNN will have a hard time finding the combatants on a map…

  29. [re=521512]Bearbloke[/re]: sneaky Canadians might be happy with their little stick game but we’ve got NORAD and all its toys on standby for revenge.

  30. [re=521514]Chernobyl Soup[/re]: On a serious note: To all the many Canadians around here congratulations on a well deserved hockey gold. I speak for all US Mericans when I say, however, Tabernac!

  31. [re=521512]Bearbloke[/re]: For the rematch, I propose the following stakes: Winner gets British Columbia (renamed North Cascadia, or “weedistan” for short); loser gets Texas. All of it.

  32. Will CNN ever create a webpage called “Yeah, we know we did some stupid shit yesterday. Here’s what we meant to say…”? Too much to ask?

    btw, 3 ex-Chicago Blackhawks beat the US America team in teh hockey. Is all politics local?

  33. Congratulations to Canada City for their epic win. Now that the game is over, the real fun begins–getting the players to their real homes, on either side of the border, to continue their NHL careers.

    I remember a time when except for the USSR, pretty much all the athletes were amateurs.

  34. [re=521516]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: [re=521517]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]:
    Reichwongers claim the US loss is that commiefashistmuslinbastard n0bama’s fault in 3…2…1…

  35. [re=521519]Jim89048[/re]: [re=521516]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: AH HAH!!!1!! I knew it- those ghey socialist monarchist canuckistani TERRRRISTS are gonna sneak into the US of Merika, and infiltrate the wholesome all-AMERICAN NHL to spread their commie LIBRAL LIES about that commie FASHIST abortionist deathpanel ‘soshalist medicine’ and legal mandatory gay-marriage and funny-coloured munnys and NO GUNS SO THE PINKO FAG GUVERMINT CAN TAKE YUR GUNS AND BURN YOU BIBLES AN MAKE YOU WORSHIP A QUEEN INSTED OF JEESUS AND THEY WANNA TAINT OUR PRECIOUS BODILY FLUIDS – WAKE UP AMERICA!!!!111!!!!!!

  36. I’ve always thought of Canada as a large game preserve located conveniently close to the US*; that, and a nation full of stoned stoners. In light of that they get some attaboys on an impressive Olympics.

    *not an original observation but, being American I’m too lazy to look it up.

  37. [re=521522]Bearbloke[/re]: I think you have the patois down now. What I’d like to know is how many Aboriginals I have to kill with my own hands to earn a cool southern hemisphere wingnut nickname like “iron bar.” That sort of speaks for itself… (FWIW, “Wilson Tuckey” sounds kind of Piedmont, don’t it?)

  38. Here on Saipan, we were given the notice to evacuate. We’re still waiting for the wave.

    By the way, what are the chances that Dirty Sanchez could find the Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands?

  39. Watching the television makes my head hurt. Olbermann and Maddow have said what they have to say. I can no longer tell the difference between Wolfie and Larry. The Headline News readers are pathetic. The missing/dead little white girl shows are a horror.

    Thank God for Scandinavian ladies curling teams, the only worthwhile reason to own a television.

  40. [re=521520]Bearbloke[/re]: Really? I hope Crosby, back in his home state of Pittsburgh Penguinland is serenaded for an entire game of U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A.

    Wait a second here… Canada won gold in 2002, but only previously won in 1952??? what kind of sissy assed powerhouse is that shit?

  41. Does this mean that instead of coming to the White House, the U.S. Olympic Hockey Team will have to settle for dropping by Scott Brown’s Senate office in the hopes that he won’t be out in his truck?

  42. [re=521541]Sparky McGruff[/re]: I’m wondering how many rock bands are going to be re-named Inflatable Beavers tomorrow morning. Where are Wayne and Garth when you need them?



    I’m going to move to Edmonton, as previously threatened.

    (No, wait. Addis Ababa.)

  44. [re=521549]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: The Canadians also won curling. Can you say honestly that you actually care? Let them be happy for a few days before they have to go back to clubbing seals and making maple syrup for a living.

  45. [re=521553]DC Hates Me[/re]: He doesn’t “flee the scene” so much… He just casually continues on, like Dick Cheney after shooting someone in the face.

  46. Definite FOX PAW, there. Here’s another. I realize that the weekend cable anchors are not part of the A Team, but several seemed to think that the “Hawaiian Islands” were a foreign land as in “The Hawaiian Islands have a large American population,” and “The Hawaiian Islands are an important US military base.”

    Is this fair and balanced or what?

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