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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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119 comments

  1. Chernobyl Soup

    That was the lamest ass tsunami in the history of big bad waves. Tell the producer to call the screenwriters back for a rewrite or gtfo.

  2. BarackMyWorld

    I’m going to preemptively state that you can’t blame this on the current state of American education, since these fuckers probably graduated from high school 20+ years ago.

  3. ManchuCandidate

    Don’t know squat about history
    Don’t know any biology
    Never read any science books
    Pretend to know much about the Spanish I took

    But I do know where Hawaii is
    And I know that if you know where too
    What a wonderful world this would be

    Don’t really care about geography
    Can’t do any trigonometry
    Never much wtih algebra
    Don’t know what a map is for

    But I do know that one and one is six
    And if this one knew how to read a map
    What a wonderful world this would be

    But I was a grade inflated “A” student
    But it’s so bad now I think I am
    So maybe by reading a map, baby
    I can be on the TV

    Don’t know squat about history
    Don’t know any biology
    Never read any science books
    Pretend to know much about the Spanish I took

    But I do know that one and one is six
    And if this one knew how to read a map
    What a wonderful world this would be

  4. Texan Bulldoggette

    Gawd, you can tell the cable channels were thinking/hoping for massive tsunami devastation. Now they have to fill the rest of the night dissecting ‘we dodged a bullet’.

  5. samsuncle

    Global climate change may be a hoax but plate tectonics is for real. The Hawiian Islands have moved a couple of thousand miles to the SE in the last few days. Suck on that Fox Nuze.

  6. steverino247

    [re=521402]thesheriffisnear[/re]: Yeah, but not one of them is a “natural blond.” The dark eyebrows are dead giveaways there.

  7. thesheriffisnear

    [re=521405]steverino247[/re]: Righty-o Steve. I’ll bet none of them would pass Himmler’s Aryan ancestry test even though, ironically, their views are probably decidely Nazi-like.

  8. AbeServer

    There was have been a Tsunami…but Rick Sanchez sucks so much that the water back up all the way to Atlanta.

  9. Scooter

    Hey, earlier Ricky the Explorer declared that Haiti was part of the Pacific’s “Ring of Fire”. I guess Cubano kids in Florida don’t get to go to fancy skools like the rest of us.

  10. hotdog

    [re=521408]Serolf Divad[/re]: No, but it means Darwin was in Hawaii when he claimed to have been in the Galapagos. This calls the whole theory of evolution into question.

  11. Hooray For Anything

    [re=521392]Chernobyl Soup[/re]: Yeah, we had a tsunami warning all up and down the California coast and I did not hear even one tsunami alert. I had escape routes and and canned goods all ready to go too.

  12. plowman

    This whole tsunami thing kinda sucks when compared to the hurricanes we get down here, we see ‘em coming on TWC for days so there’s plenty of time to buy beer, cigs, tampons, ammo, etc., tie down the trailer and so forth.

  13. Extemporanus

    Ya pau, CNN? Really, brah?!

    Eh, lolo? Next time, try let da Chilean “Mahu-nami” wriggle around in a sea of excrement a little longer before promising haole geev’um video of hella moke hijo-on-Hilo “Dirty Sanchez”.

  14. Aurelio

    [re=521396]bjkeefe[/re]:$900 TRILLION How much is that? And don’t tell me a quadrillion, because I don’t know how much that is, either.

  15. weejee

    [re=521408]Serolf Divad[/re]: If that be the case, the Prez ain’t no muslin, but a turtle or one of those seventytwoteen finches.

  16. Aurelio

    [re=521416]Scooter[/re]: “Ring of Fire.” That was the name of a Johnny Cash song. I always thought it had something to do with anal sex.

  17. Aurelio

    [re=521422]Extemporanus[/re]: Dat one beeg Tsunami foah push Hawaii nei so fah. A leetle faddah an’ we get some ono casino gambling in Chile.

  18. bjkeefe

    [re=521426]Aurelio[/re]: One thousand times what the actual figure is. Would you like to buy a penny? Cost you ten bucks at the NBC store.

    – or –

    About how much Halliburton made between 2003 and 2008.

  19. Aurelio

    Maybe Rick Sanchez went to one of those illegal alien schools for people with names like Sanchez. But what is the bottle blonde’s excuse?

  20. Aurelio

    [re=521430]bjkeefe[/re]:
    About how much Halliburton made between 2003 and 2008.
    Okay, now that makes it comprehensible.

  21. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Can we all at least agree that this means we must invade Hawaii before it can use it’s ability to jump thousands of miles as a weapon of mass destruction? We cannot let Dick Cheney’s fifth heart attack to be in vain.

  22. sati demise

    [re=521398]plowman[/re]: Yes, how observant of you.

    I could tell by the way they cut to a commercial every time Obama or the Democrats spoke at the heath reform meeting.
    Anyone who watched CNN must have thought it was a Republican wet T-shirt contest.

  23. imissopus

    So Hawaii now has one of those Lost donkey-wheel thingies Ben used to move the island? Except Lost is shot in Hawaii…ZOMG HAWAII IS THE ISLAND ITS ALL REAL!!1!

  24. plowman

    [re=521437]sati demise[/re]: And then we all watch Jim Cantore dodge palm fronds, road signs and roofing until the power goes out…

  25. NYNYNY

    Maybe we should rename them ‘The Sancheznic Islands’ in his honor. Or the Rickestani Archipelago. Or Puerto Ricko.

  26. GinnyRED57

    Wait, does this mean I get more or less frequent flier miles when I fly home to the Mainland tonight? DAMN SANCHEZ!

  27. CanadianBacon

    I wonder if England and Argentina realize they went to war over Hawaii? Boy are they going to feel stupid.

  28. Sparky McGruff

    [re=521435]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Thanks. I can never get enough of watching Ricky Sanchez get tasered. Some days, I just kick my feet up on the desk, crack open a cold one, and put that video on a never-ending loop. Zzzzzap! AAAURGHHHH! Zzzzzap! AAAURGHHHH! Zzzzzap! AAAURGHHHH!

  29. Barrelhse

    [re=521420]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Were the escape routes and canned goods in separate bags (I hope!)?

  30. Words

    [re=521453]CanadianBacon[/re]: Didn’t Reagan give our boys some medals over that war? Maybe that’s when the Alzheimer’s started….

  31. donner_froh

    [re=521454]Poo Flinger 69[/re]: He is right up there with Caitlin Upton, the Miss Tenn South Carolina who talked about finding USA America on a map.

  32. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=521455]Sparky McGruff[/re]: It is my hope that the day Mr. Sanchez dies, CNN plays that loop over and over for 24 hours.

  33. O_o

    I imagine that each and every single one of those bleach-blonde bimbos at Fox must hate each other’s guts.

  34. Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=521408]Serolf Divad[/re]: Yep, Turtlebama.

    [re=521395]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Thanks– went into a self-propelled Cooke-a-thon.

  35. The Lucky Wife

    [re=521473]alzronnie[/re]: Glad you asked that! Until we do, how do we know it’s Murican or Kenyan?

  36. Sparky McGruff

    [re=521469]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: You know, for the sake of ratings, they could add to his repetoire. Perhaps they should consider assigning him stories that would involve him getting stung by swarms of bees, swimming with electric eels, being chased by packs of dogs, etc. Is it too much to ask?

  37. drpangloss

    Those are not the falkland islands either. Those are in the Atlantic ocean. The Galapegos are off the coast of Peru in the Pacific.

  38. Nerdalicious

    Saturday on Cnn was the most Felliniesque craziness I’ve ever seen. Every other news station had their cameras trained on the Hawaiian coast & Sanchez & that blonde were running around the studio pointing at a globe yelling things. It was so bad Cnn finally cut to live local Hawaiian stations. Lou Dobbs sez Sanchez is an illegal immigrant from crazyland.

  39. Simba B

    A friend of mine pointed me to this link inre: Rick Sanchez with the comment “That may be the only time I’ve ever agreed with Fox News”

  40. Crank Tango

    [re=521487]SayItWithWookies[/re]: well at least the locals ended up killing him and eating his organs. Kids!

  41. SayItWithWookies

    [re=521489]dijetlo[/re]: Nonsense — he meant mongooses, who bombed Pearl Harbor 70 years before the Japanese.

    [re=521492]Crank Tango[/re]: A sad result of missionaries bringing the practice of deiophagy to the unlettered primitives. Rule 1: If you’re going to descend on ignorant peoples who might treat you as a god, don’t explain transubstantiation to them until you get them to put down the steak knives.

  42. smitallica

    I was hoping for a huge tsunami in Hawaii, followed closely by Pat Robertson explaining how it was God’s wrath for that state losing the Pro Bowl.

  43. Red Zeppelin

    Everyone knows that Hawaii is in a box with Alaska right off the coast of Southern California. Geez!

  44. Hooray For Anything

    [re=521470]O_o[/re]: Mmm…..Fox New Beach Blonde bimbo cat fight….

    [re=521482]Nerdalicious[/re]: Other than Rick hyperventilating (he snapped at the 18 year old Geologist they brought on to tell people what a tsunami was), CNN was pretty good. MSNBC just showed the same footage over and over and over again and used some sort of computer rendering of what a tsunami was like that depicted a huge a wave crashing over entire luxury resort. Not overdramatic at all.

  45. Mad Brahms

    [re=521426]Aurelio[/re]: Didn’t you mean to say “900 trillion, what is that in ENGLISH?”

    [re=521401]samsuncle[/re]: Clearly you have never seen the John Agar classic “The Mole People”, based on real events.

  46. Darkness

    The news media can’t fucking die soon enough.

    [re=521426]Aurelio[/re]: If jesus walked around the planet 17,000 times a year from when he was born to this year, a quadrillion is how many ants he would have trodden upon.

    [re=521481]Mr Blifil[/re]: Hawai’i (you need the glottal stop.)

  47. Mad Brahms

    [re=521453]CanadianBacon[/re]: They… didn’t, because that’s the Galapagos, not the Falklands.

    See what the media has done to us? Confused us all! Even poor hapless *Canadians*!

  48. user-of-owls

    Wish they hadn’t cut out what followed:

    Blondie: “No Rick, that’s the Galapagos. No, not the Galapagos who owned the tienda down the street. Try again. Um, sorry Rick, those are the Falklands. No, that’s not the same thing as the geologist guy said, that was ‘faultlines.’ One more chance. [slaps head] Oh for Christ’s sake, that’s the smudge mark on the screen that you left when you tried to find Haiti on the map. God, I need a drink…”

  49. El Pinche

    [re=521505]Darkness[/re]: On Bill Maher the other day, a guest media pundit kept complimenting the republicans for having a more effective message on HRC. Of course, Maher nor anyone else on the panel thanked her and media for perpetuating their horseshit.
    Yeah, the MSM needs to hurry up and die. I can get all things news on Palin by going to her facebook/twatter myself.

  50. Cascadienne

    Obama is from Hawaii, a foreign island nation off the coast of South America. Hugo Chavez, an America-hating socialist, is also from South America. Wake up sheeplez!

  51. Bearbloke

    Good Morning Wonkett!

    The Int’l newzfeeds tell me that the USA of Merika and Soviet Canuckistan hockey teams are right now at a tie score and going into overtime for the gold medal – perhaps this is the event that provokes the long-overdue US-Canada War…. but of course CNN will have a hard time finding the combatants on a map…

  52. Chernobyl Soup

    [re=521512]Bearbloke[/re]: sneaky Canadians might be happy with their little stick game but we’ve got NORAD and all its toys on standby for revenge.

  53. Chernobyl Soup

    [re=521514]Chernobyl Soup[/re]: On a serious note: To all the many Canadians around here congratulations on a well deserved hockey gold. I speak for all US Mericans when I say, however, Tabernac!

  54. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=521512]Bearbloke[/re]: For the rematch, I propose the following stakes: Winner gets British Columbia (renamed North Cascadia, or “weedistan” for short); loser gets Texas. All of it.

  55. southern mark smith

    Will CNN ever create a webpage called “Yeah, we know we did some stupid shit yesterday. Here’s what we meant to say…”? Too much to ask?

    btw, 3 ex-Chicago Blackhawks beat the US America team in teh hockey. Is all politics local?

  56. Jim89048

    Congratulations to Canada City for their epic win. Now that the game is over, the real fun begins–getting the players to their real homes, on either side of the border, to continue their NHL careers.

    I remember a time when except for the USSR, pretty much all the athletes were amateurs.

  57. Bearbloke

    [re=521516]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: [re=521517]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]:
    Reichwongers claim the US loss is that commiefashistmuslinbastard n0bama’s fault in 3…2…1…

  58. Bearbloke

    [re=521519]Jim89048[/re]: [re=521516]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: AH HAH!!!1!! I knew it- those ghey socialist monarchist canuckistani TERRRRISTS are gonna sneak into the US of Merika, and infiltrate the wholesome all-AMERICAN NHL to spread their commie LIBRAL LIES about that commie FASHIST abortionist deathpanel ‘soshalist medicine’ and legal mandatory gay-marriage and funny-coloured munnys and NO GUNS SO THE PINKO FAG GUVERMINT CAN TAKE YUR GUNS AND BURN YOU BIBLES AN MAKE YOU WORSHIP A QUEEN INSTED OF JEESUS AND THEY WANNA TAINT OUR PRECIOUS BODILY FLUIDS – WAKE UP AMERICA!!!!111!!!!!!

  59. Chernobyl Soup

    I’ve always thought of Canada as a large game preserve located conveniently close to the US*; that, and a nation full of stoned stoners. In light of that they get some attaboys on an impressive Olympics.

    *not an original observation but, being American I’m too lazy to look it up.

  60. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=521522]Bearbloke[/re]: I think you have the patois down now. What I’d like to know is how many Aboriginals I have to kill with my own hands to earn a cool southern hemisphere wingnut nickname like “iron bar.” That sort of speaks for itself… (FWIW, “Wilson Tuckey” sounds kind of Piedmont, don’t it?)

  61. mollymcguire

    Here on Saipan, we were given the notice to evacuate. We’re still waiting for the wave.

    By the way, what are the chances that Dirty Sanchez could find the Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands?

  62. What Fresh Hell is This?

    Watching the television makes my head hurt. Olbermann and Maddow have said what they have to say. I can no longer tell the difference between Wolfie and Larry. The Headline News readers are pathetic. The missing/dead little white girl shows are a horror.

    Thank God for Scandinavian ladies curling teams, the only worthwhile reason to own a television.

  63. Darkness

    [re=521520]Bearbloke[/re]: Really? I hope Crosby, back in his home state of Pittsburgh Penguinland is serenaded for an entire game of U.S.A. U.S.A. U.S.A.

    Wait a second here… Canada won gold in 2002, but only previously won in 1952??? what kind of sissy assed powerhouse is that shit?

  64. Mr Blifil

    Does this mean that instead of coming to the White House, the U.S. Olympic Hockey Team will have to settle for dropping by Scott Brown’s Senate office in the hopes that he won’t be out in his truck?

  65. FlipOffResearch

    God, I thought it was the goofy head island, not the devils own evolution islands.

  66. Jukesgrrl

    [re=521541]Sparky McGruff[/re]: I’m wondering how many rock bands are going to be re-named Inflatable Beavers tomorrow morning. Where are Wayne and Garth when you need them?

  67. El Pinche

    [re=521541]Sparky McGruff[/re]: For a sec, I thought an inflatable beaver was the old v1 Fleshlight model.

  68. Lascauxcaveman

    I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU IDIOTS! CANADA WON THE HOCKEYS!!!9!!!11

    THIS MEANS WE HAVE TO HAVE THE COMMONIST SOCIALIST SECRIT MUSLIN NAZI HEALTHCARES NOW, JUST LIKE THEM!!! OUR GUNS HAVE BEEN TAKEN FROME US…OUR WIVES WILL VOTE. HOMOSEXALS WILL ADOPT WHITE CHILDREN AND KISS IN PUBLIC. IT’S ALL SOCIALISMS NOW!!!!!9!!!!11!!!!

    I’m going to move to Edmonton, as previously threatened.

    (No, wait. Addis Ababa.)

  69. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=521522]Bearbloke[/re]: Ugh. In the future. Maybe I’ll read the thread to see if somebody already made my joke.

  70. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=521549]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: The Canadians also won curling. Can you say honestly that you actually care? Let them be happy for a few days before they have to go back to clubbing seals and making maple syrup for a living.

  71. DC Hates Me

    It’s funny the way Rick Sanchez just plows through his mistakes .. like he’s fleeing the scene of a drunken accident.

  72. Sparky McGruff

    [re=521553]DC Hates Me[/re]: He doesn’t “flee the scene” so much… He just casually continues on, like Dick Cheney after shooting someone in the face.

  73. Sussemilch

    [re=521402]thesheriffisnear[/re]: Are those 9 different people? They all look the same to me.

  74. momus

    Definite FOX PAW, there. Here’s another. I realize that the weekend cable anchors are not part of the A Team, but several seemed to think that the “Hawaiian Islands” were a foreign land as in “The Hawaiian Islands have a large American population,” and “The Hawaiian Islands are an important US military base.”

    Is this fair and balanced or what?

  75. Accordion-o-rama

    [re=521428]Aurelio[/re]: Your interpretation allows me to see Cash’s “I’ve been everywhere, man” in a new light.

Comments are closed.