Get used to 'emRetiring, uneducated senator Jim Bunning — truly an electoral aberration, even by our shitty system’s standards — has been holding up an extension of unemployment and COBRA benefits since last night, under whatever country-destroying Senate rule our beloved minority party discovered while recently picking its anus. Just read about this fucking baby, here, sitting in the back of the Senate, bitching about how he had to miss his basketball game, and taking his anger out on America’s 100% unemployed population. If he has a principled concern, no one will care, because who really wants to negotiate with nasty Jim Bunning about anything? Besides, the GOP has a better spokesman for its “big concerns” over these extensions: Nevada Rep. Dean Heller. Dean Heller is concerned about hobos. No, wait: Dean Heller is furious and concerned about hobos, and The Hobo Problem.

Heller said the current economic downturn and policies may bring back the hobos of the Great Depression, people who wandered the country taking odd jobs. He said a study found that people who are out of work longer than two years have only a 50 percent chance of getting back into the workforce. “I believe there should be a federal safety net,” Heller said, but he questioned the wisdom of extending unemployment benefits yet again to a total of 24 months, which Congress is doing. “Is the government now creating hobos?” he asked.

There are any number of reasons for the growing Hobozation of America. First: no one has any money in America. Second: what the first reason said.

The government should directly create hobos, though — in Hobo Factories! Two per congressional district! The unemployed would get factory jobs, creating more hobos. Eventually what would happen is Profits, &c.

(Now: some of the more advanced hobos would, of course, become self-aware and kill the “real” humans nationwide. But that would be years down the road, and what matters now is putting Americans back to work.)

GOP Rep. Dean Heller claims extending unemployment benefits is creating “hobos” [Think Progress]

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  1. If Bunning has Alzheimer’s and is showing the symptoms of dementia its hard to tell because he has always been a stupid obstructionist asshole.

  2. If only we could get Japan to bomb Pearl Harbor again, this recession would be over. Unfortunately the accelerators on the Japanese ships stuck, and the fleet is right now about to invade Vancouver.

  3. What is incredible to me is the rule that Bunning is using to get away with this — something about “unanimous consent” for the extension.


    Sorry. I didn’t mean to vent. Like extending that $300 a week is gonna save my ass.

    Time for a Sapphire Martini. And a can of Hobo Beans.


  4. Nevada? Isn’t that where “big rock candy mountain” is? Oh, wait. I’m thinking of “big nucular waste mountain”.

    [re=520751]petehammer[/re]: Give the Hobos enough money to re-start their space program and they’ll be able to employ thousands of Hobos building their dirt rocket.

  5. Yikes. Didn’t have my glasses on and read “Why Are These Democrats Creating So Many Damn HOBBITS.” (Which wouldn’t be such a terrible thing, would it?)

    On a related note, is it just me or is Dean Heller’s face way too small for his head?

  6. [re=520757]Red Zeppelin[/re]: Also boxcars, campfires, and all those terrible old folk songs hoboes “sing” while riding &/or sitting around them.

  7. [re=520760]donner_froh[/re]: “he has always been a stupid obstructionist asshole.” You pitch one perfect game against the 1964 New York Mets and for the rest of your life you feel entitled.

  8. It’s about time one of our elected officials was brave enough to speak out against the evil hobosexual agenda, and its nefarious plan to force bindlesticks down the throats of our nation’s innocent and unsuspecting young people.

  9. [re=520755]One Yield Regular[/re]: It’s even better than that: starving hobo deaths will lead to a boom in the cheap interments industry, creating jobs. The hobos who steal, rather than starve, will lead directly to a boom in the private security and police jobs sector. We’ll be near full employment soon. The republican plan has all these things figured out.

  10. Wasn’t the presence of hobos more attributable to alcoholism? Hmmm. Alcoholism creates hobos, unemployment creates hunger, alcoholism coupled with hunger creates dead bodies. Yup.

    Soylent Green/Martians ’12

  11. It’s Amalgamated Bindle’s Presidents Day Sale! Factory direct Hobos available NOW for 60% OFF the original price! PLUS cash back! For every dollar you spend you’ll get one Hobo Nickel good towards anything in the store! We’ve got Hobo Clowns™, Weepy Hobos™, Belligerent Hobos™, Professor Hobos™, even hard to find Lady Hobos™…Hobos for all your Hobo needs, FACTORY DIRECT. Act fast, these prices won’t last! Come on down to Amalgamated Bindle, just off Highway J in Stoghton!

  12. Why can’t the Democrats be more bipartisan on this issue? Clearly they need to meet the Republicans halfway by banning bandannas at the end of sticks or sleeping in empty train car and cutting the estate tax?

  13. You can’t be a hobo anymore. All the good hobo jobs have been taken by illegal aliens. Anyhow, that’s what all the displaced hobos tell me from their sad cardboard box casas de cartón.

  14. The irony is that 182-year-old Jim Bunning pitched for three seasons with the American League’s short-lived Quad City Hobo squadron during the second of the two non-consecutive Grover Cleveland Alexander administrations.

  15. ya know, Marie Antoinette was much maligned and the whole “let ’em eat cake” BS was unsubstantiated. but here we have an actual modern-day jerkoff saying “LET ‘EM EAT CAKE” on record; and I suppose the teabaggers will crown him as a hero and not decapitate him….

  16. [re=520774]chaste everywhere[/re]: But special dispensation for lyricist who came up with:

    In the Big Rock Candy Mountains you never change your socks
    And the little streams of alcohol come a-trickling down the rocks
    The brakemen have to tip their hats and the railroad bulls are blind
    There’s a lake of stew and of whiskey too
    You can paddle all around ’em in a big canoe

    I’m a goin to stay where you sleep all day
    Where they hung the jerk that invented work
    In the Big Rock Candy Mountains

  17. Dummy. If he had an 11-year-old female who forced him to watch “Kit Kittredge – An American Girl” umpteen times like SOME of us do, he’d know that the definition of hobo involves no fixed address and how are they going to get checks then? Hmmm? Does he think it will produce a special class of in situ hobos?

  18. So Heller thinks there should be a federal safety net but questions whether the government should be extending unemployment insurance? Um, if the government extends UI, doesn’t that at least delay the creation of hobos? Or perhaps this safety net is an actual net to sweep up all newly created hobos and take them to the nearest Soylent Green processing facility, where they will be ground into a protein-rich paste that can be fed to poor people who at least still have homes?

    Oh who am I kidding, the paste will be used for our moneyed class to re-grout the solid-gold tiles in their bathrooms.

    Ha ha, I should know better than to expect any kind of intellectual consistency from a Republican.

  19. Apt student of history, that Rep. Heller.

    Why indeed should we regress back to the vast, 1920s-era safety net of unemployment benefits, food stamps, school vouchers, FDIC, etc etc etc, that led to the armies of Depression-era hobos in the first place?

  20. [re=520804]predilectrix[/re]: Absolutely. And lest we forget the unbowdlerized version:

    The punk rolled up his big blue eyes
    And said to the jocker, “Sandy,
    I’ve hiked and hiked and wandered too,
    But I ain’t seen any candy.
    I’ve hiked and hiked till my feet are sore
    And I’ll be damned if I hike any more
    To be buggered sore like a hobo’s whore
    In the Big Rock Candy Mountains.”

    So what does Dean Heller have against hobos, again?

  21. [re=520831]PsycGirl[/re]: Ugh. I watched that one with my kids. I mean, how could a movie with Joan Cusack, Stanley Tucci and Wallace Shawn be that bad?

  22. [re=520757]Red Zeppelin[/re]: It’s all Hohner’s fault. And it’s a German company…NAZIS. And NAZIS were Socialists…like our president, Hussein. See how it all comes together?? *eye twitch*

  23. I was really close to being a hobo for a long time and then I got a job, and now I’m rich by third world standards. I stole food from the grocery store but I never had any maple flavored jelly beans. That sounds delish.

  24. I was thinking that the Democrat in the next KY senate race should just play that clip of Bunning crying about not being able to watch his basketball game — then I remembered, its Kentucky, of course they think that UK basketball is more important than voting to help the unemployed. I bet even unemployed Kentuckyans think that, maybe with the exception of Louisville fans.

  25. [re=520782]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: And you’re forgetting public transportation – just think of how much we’ll save by everyone having to get around by hopping freight trains. We can eliminate Amtrak altogether.

  26. In my youth I would head down to the grocery store nearest the train yard in town with a joint folded inside a 20 dollar bill, find one of the Hobo’s who would go there to beg for wine cash (I shit you not…I’m sure there were chalk signals that marked the place out somewhere) hand him the neatly wrapped package and say ‘JD’. 5 minutes later, I was a 15 year old with a bottle of whiskey.

    Had I known the government was paying those guys, I would have kept the pot.

  27. Aren’t hobos just responding to free market forces? Isn’t the “invisible hand” of Adam Smith sending their jobs to China and then shoving them out the door of their reposed homes in order to fill the market’s need for cheap itinerant part-time labor? Doesn’t their small monthly unemployment check give them just enough money for bus fare down to the train yard? Why does Rep. Heller hate the free market?

  28. It’s just a little ironic that a guy who spent his entire career in Detroit and Philadelphia has no fucking idea what the people in Detroit and Philadelphia are going through. If there were a Hall of Fame for assholes you’d be a first-ballot inductee.

  29. Pff, but Congressman, the only people who do the hobo thing these days are hipsters eager for cred. Please.

    So did he vote for the infamous “jobs bill”? Because if he doesn’t want people to be hobos, an he doesn’t want them collecting unemployment, you would think that the obvious answer would be to, you know, give them work!

  30. [re=521064]Sussemilch[/re]: Indeed. Another irony: he failed to show up for 29 votes in December (including HCR — the only one) but now he insists on showing up to block this cuz he didn’t get to watch his precious basketball game. Apparently no one was capable of making him understand how to operate TiVo?

  31. [re=521105]ElitistMarxist[/re]: Fuck TiVo, this is the US Senate. At least one of these fucksticks has to have enough pull to call the folks at ESPN 3 and ask them to overnight that shit to him on VHS.

  32. [re=521024]EelPout[/re]:

    Who cares what Frankie say. I say arm the daggum hobos with a snow shovel and send em to the northeast to shovel driveways. “shovel ready” jobs for the hobos. Problem solved, so Frankie can relax.

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