PRAISE JEEBUS  3:21 pm February 23, 2010

Dick Cheney Has Fifth Heart Attack, For America

by Jim Newell

Can't die up hereAnd here we all were thinking “chest pains.” We should have known that for Dick Cheney, mild chest pains are actually mild heart attacks, and doctors have now determined that he did have one of these yesterday — his fifth! But he didn’t die so you all can make fun of him. (David Denby would not agree with this Internet logic.) (Is David Denby dead yet?) [Washington Post]

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Crank Tango February 23, 2010 at 3:24 pm

Here’s wishing Darth Cheney many more years of many more heart attacks.

RoscoePColtraine February 23, 2010 at 3:26 pm

“Cheney’s Fifth.”

It’s got a pretty good beat, but I don’t think you can dance to it.

Buzz Feedback February 23, 2010 at 3:26 pm

One more and heart attacks = draft deferments.

Hooray For Anything February 23, 2010 at 3:27 pm

Smart move by Cheney to make all those horcruxes and then store them away in his various “secret locations.”

joezoo February 23, 2010 at 3:27 pm

The reagent has given him life, yes, but with each treatment the subject becomes increasingly more violent and deranged. Damn you, Herbert West!

Mad Brahms February 23, 2010 at 3:28 pm

All that recreational / fetishistic waterboarding is hard on the heart, it seems.

Escape Goat Nation February 23, 2010 at 3:29 pm

How many Baboons must die so that Cheney may live?

queeraselvis v 2.0 February 23, 2010 at 3:29 pm

Avada Kedavra, motherfucker!

Cheneysheart February 23, 2010 at 3:30 pm

Hurry up and die, Fucktard!!!

SmutBoffin February 23, 2010 at 3:31 pm


There was a man who, everyday, would buy a newspaper on the way to work, glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it and he asked the man, “Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the front page before discarding it?”

The man replied, “I am only interested in the obituaries.”

“But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper.”

“Young man,” he said, “the son of a bitch I’m looking for will be on the front page.”


honkyman February 23, 2010 at 3:32 pm

All other factors being equal, which condition is most likely to result in Vice Presidents:

a)A heart attack occurs when blood to the heart muscle is blocked.

b)A penis attack occurs when blood to the penis muscle is blocked.

c)A brain attack occurs when blood to the brain muscle is blocked.

d)A liver attack occurs when blood to the liver is blocked.

Spike February 23, 2010 at 3:33 pm

I hear they have a great cardiology center in The Hague.

Texan Bulldoggette February 23, 2010 at 3:34 pm

Man, Billy Joel wasn’t kidding. Only the good DO die young it appears.

Cape Clod February 23, 2010 at 3:34 pm

I’ve always gotten my medical knowledge from old episodes of Sanford and Son. I always thought you could only have three heart attacks and third time is “The Big One.”

SlouchingTowardsWasilla February 23, 2010 at 3:36 pm

His ill health makes me terribly sad. Such a great American. I sent him a “Get Well Soon” card with a box of pork chops.

joementum February 23, 2010 at 3:37 pm

God must heart Dick big time.

The Station Manager February 23, 2010 at 3:37 pm

[re=518321]joezoo[/re]: I am so sad that I get that joke. Damn you, HP!

Lazy Media February 23, 2010 at 3:38 pm

Even Rotti Largo must die eventually.

Prommie February 23, 2010 at 3:38 pm

Imagine how bad that poor heart wants out of him?

Jumping Jim February 23, 2010 at 3:38 pm

Apparently it is harder to find Babies to eat once you leave office.

Mapmonger February 23, 2010 at 3:38 pm

Everyone knows that the only heart attack that will take Cheney down, is the one which requires a wooden stake and a hammer.

JMP February 23, 2010 at 3:39 pm

I was expecting this last night; crazed wignuts are always fun, but people are a little behind on the Cheney deathwatch. Not that he really had a heart attack, since we all know that he doesn’t actually have a working heart anymore; this was cover for the dark ceremony the “man” uses to enable his eternal life by sacrificing the blood of the still-living.

carlgt1 February 23, 2010 at 3:43 pm

was it connected to the Scott Brown “traitor” vote?

FMA February 23, 2010 at 3:43 pm

[re=518343]The Station Manager[/re]: I, too, am saddened by that. (Actually, my favorite line from that movie is “Your dead father has been lobotomized.”)

WIDTAP February 23, 2010 at 3:44 pm

I understand that a heart attack hurts like a son-of-a-bitch.

And yet so many of you insist that there is no God.

Escape Goat Nation February 23, 2010 at 3:46 pm

Scott Brown’s vote broke Cheney’s heart and Trig is still crying his little eyes out.

ForTheTurnstiles February 23, 2010 at 3:50 pm

We’ll all be thinking of Dick Cheney’s great gifts to the future when this comes around town:

Mr Blifil February 23, 2010 at 3:50 pm

Andrew Breitbart would be terribly disturbed by the tone here represented. I’m sure he’d find it despicable and lower than the last discarded pineapple core he had wriggling about in his feces holding area.

megs February 23, 2010 at 3:52 pm

[re=518360]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: LEAVE TRIG ALONE, YOU TERRORIST

Chernobyl Soup February 23, 2010 at 3:54 pm

Hey God: UR doing it rong.

Tommmcatt February 23, 2010 at 3:54 pm

Dick Cheney Has Fifth Heart Attack, For America

If he had really cared we’d be talking funeral.

SayItWithWookies February 23, 2010 at 3:55 pm

All seventeen giant pumps that kept New Orleans dry failed, and Dick Cheney’s sick little coal-bblackened raisin keeps on throbbing. Explain that, theists.

megs February 23, 2010 at 3:55 pm

Buncha evildoers up in here….

PlanetWingnuta February 23, 2010 at 3:57 pm

Maybe they took him to the Temple on Lost Island and he got cured because Jacob or was it Esau Loves him? something like that.

queeraselvis v 2.0 February 23, 2010 at 3:59 pm

[re=518364]Mr Blifil[/re]: Shhhh. You’ll make Max Blumethal jealous!

Cheneysheart February 23, 2010 at 3:59 pm

[re=518353]carlgt1[/re]: No, I heard it was linked to the fact that Najibullah Zazi pleaded guilty and is now helping authorities find other terrorists by using REAL intel – WITHOUT BEING FUCKED UP BY THE Wingnut Geheime Staatspolizei.

Lucidamente February 23, 2010 at 3:59 pm

“We can rebuild him — we have the technology.”

ragingboehner February 23, 2010 at 4:00 pm

Can we make fun of him even if he dies?

uncletravelingmatt February 23, 2010 at 4:01 pm

Fucker is so committed to torture, his body is torturing itself.

Prommie February 23, 2010 at 4:03 pm

[re=518378]ragingboehner[/re]: Especially if he dies.

frumious_bandersnatch February 23, 2010 at 4:05 pm

[re=518320]Hooray For Anything[/re]: ::wild applause:: I think he’s going to make the sixth one out of one of David Vitter’s diapers. Rick Santorum should probably sharpen up his constant vigilance skills.

Gorillionaire February 23, 2010 at 4:05 pm

Thank goodness he has all of that taxpayer paid, socialist commie healthcare or otherwise that fifth heart attack would have killed him AND cost him $529,998.62.

GollyGeeWilly February 23, 2010 at 4:06 pm

I’m sure this won’t be the last time we hear about Cheney and the “5th”.

sati demise February 23, 2010 at 4:07 pm

[re=518381]uncletravelingmatt[/re]: zing!

ManchuCandidate February 23, 2010 at 4:08 pm

Dick Cheney, the Six Deferment Man

sati demise February 23, 2010 at 4:08 pm

[re=518387]Gorillionaire[/re]: goes to a socialist government run military hospital too.

No wonder he hangs around DC all the time.

Redhead February 23, 2010 at 4:10 pm

[re=518373]PlanetWingnuta[/re]: This is what the smoke monster looks like, when he doesn’t look like a big cloud of smoke or dead Locke.

Heh, doesn’t the smoke monster eat babies and innocent plane passengers and puppies and ponies and such? Sounds like Cheney to me. Of course, when the people on Lost shoot each other, at least they usually do it face-to-face.

Jammer February 23, 2010 at 4:10 pm

Leave Denby alone!

BeWoot February 23, 2010 at 4:11 pm

Satan obviously has unfinished work on Cheney’s task list.

Redhead February 23, 2010 at 4:11 pm

[re=518385]Prommie[/re]: It’s going to be awhile. Hell keeps looking at him and going, “fuck, we’re not ready for THIS THING yet! We have to build a whole other level of hell just for him!”

V572625694 February 23, 2010 at 4:12 pm

OT, but I’m listening to Weigel right now on Terry Gross and he sounds pretty rational.

Einstein' February 23, 2010 at 4:12 pm

Just die already, Dick! Don’t make us have to kill you.

Deepthroat February 23, 2010 at 4:15 pm
TGY February 23, 2010 at 4:16 pm

Dick Cheney sold his soul to Satan so many times, he can’t come and collect cause it’s been ‘securitized’ and resold to various unsuspecting devils. In other words, Dick Cheney’s soul is Satan’s toxic asset.

JMP February 23, 2010 at 4:17 pm

[re=518347]Mapmonger[/re]: You’ve got the wrong form of undead; to fully put and end to Cheney, one must destroy the phylactery which houses his soul, then destroy his body before he can construct a new one.

[re=518378]ragingboehner[/re]: Like Nixon before him, the mainstream media will, at most, call him “controversial”; the rest of us, however, as with the other Dick, can feel free to dance on his grave – but only if we can be certain he has truly been sent to a final end.

V572625694 February 23, 2010 at 4:18 pm

[re=518402]Deepthroat[/re]: Very handsome Blingee work!

Hooray For Anything February 23, 2010 at 4:21 pm

[re=518345]Prommie[/re]: His poor heart would be able to make it out of him if it weren’t so small

Cheneysheart February 23, 2010 at 4:21 pm

God: “Louie, (short for Lucifer – cause they’re buds) I’m sending Cheney to you, so get ready.”

Satan: “FUCK NO – I saw what he did to W!!”

ForTheTurnstiles February 23, 2010 at 4:26 pm

[re=518390]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Well, he’s burned up five of those six deferments with that shitclogged ticker of his.

Are human/negro babies high in cholesterol?

PlanetWingnuta February 23, 2010 at 4:28 pm

[re=518392]Redhead[/re]: dont forget he ‘sprayed’ his load of buckshot all on his friends face and neck. you know…that does make him a dick cause a dick does all those things too.

Cheneysheart February 23, 2010 at 4:31 pm

[re=518417]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: I’ve heard that Muslim babies are better for you – cause they don’t eat pork!

sati demise February 23, 2010 at 4:37 pm

[re=518395]BeWoot[/re]: Face it, man, even Satan doesn’t want Cheney around.

Hedley Lamar February 23, 2010 at 4:38 pm

Hasn’t he checked off everyone he wanted to torture off of his bucket list yet?

comicbookguy February 23, 2010 at 4:39 pm

[re=518403]TGY[/re]: When he finally goes and the brokers work out all those credit default swaps, they’ll find Satan, Hades, and Cthulu all own claims to the same shares! Just wait till they get their hands on those Bear Stearns guys, why I oughta…

Dean Booth February 23, 2010 at 4:39 pm

Speak now or forever hold your left arm.

Ducksworthy February 23, 2010 at 4:40 pm

[re=518321]joezoo[/re]: Even without the HP reference this is an excellent description of what has happened to the formerly fun loving, happy-go-lucky, Dickster.

iolanthe February 23, 2010 at 4:41 pm

Poor Cheney.

Such a sad misunderstood hypochondriac.

New Repub Senator, supposedly the latest Wingnut Savior, votes the wrong way on a bill = Heart attack!

Dusky Nemesis sworn in as POTUS = Back trouble!

Weird, huh?

May Dick encounter a hundred further such disappointments before Satan returns to clasp him to his leathery breast and fly off to their True Forever Home.

DP February 23, 2010 at 4:44 pm

This guy sounds like an ideal candidate for a death panel.

The Other Sarah T February 23, 2010 at 4:47 pm


Yeah you right. Too bad the Army Corps of Engineers weren’t the ones who built Cheney’s last couple of “hearts”.

arewethereyet February 23, 2010 at 4:48 pm

i’m sending him a couple of big macs and a dozen donuts to help speed his recovery. enjoy, dick!

jetjaguar February 23, 2010 at 4:48 pm

God bless Dick Cheney. May he have a 1000 more.

June Cleaver 2.0 February 23, 2010 at 4:51 pm

Too much macho Obama in Pakistan recently? Plus Colin Powell remarks on the teevee. If Obama can get Osama — well let’s hope that’s the magic combination. And then Clarence Thomas drops dead out of sheer sadness — two for one.

June Cleaver 2.0 February 23, 2010 at 4:54 pm

[re=518319]Buzz Feedback[/re]: “One more and heart attacks = draft deferments.”


WhatTheHeck February 23, 2010 at 4:55 pm

Oh, there are many things worse than death. For instance, Sarah Palin’s running mate in 2012.
May he live 2 more years.

Extemporanus February 23, 2010 at 5:01 pm

[re=518325]Escape Goat Nation[/re]: So that’s why the CPAC monkey looked so deflated — he was the victim of Cheney’s latest valve transplant.

GOPCrusher February 23, 2010 at 5:02 pm

Don’t you dare die yet, asshole. You’ve got some crimes to answer for.

RoscoePColtraine February 23, 2010 at 5:06 pm

[re=518444]arewethereyet[/re]: Ice cream sundae…with cheesecake sauce.

Just typing that out caused my heart to flutter.

bitchincamaro February 23, 2010 at 5:12 pm

“Is there a God, Daddy?”

“Well son, is Dick Cheney still sucking oxygen?”

“Yes, Daddy.”

“Then the answer is ‘no’.”

queeraselvis v 2.0 February 23, 2010 at 5:13 pm

[re=518453]June Cleaver 2.0[/re]: Oh no, I’d take Scalia before Thomas. Or make it a three-fer, since good things come in threes. Also.

Justin Time February 23, 2010 at 5:14 pm

I am saving a bottle of good scotch. When the dickster is being welcomed by Cerberus, I will be honoring the cloaca by reverently sprinkling the scotch on his grave. It will be a very special blend of scotch, filtered through my kidneys.

lawrenceofthedesert February 23, 2010 at 5:20 pm

How is it that our society is rightly suspicious of a second shooter in Dealey Plaza, but blindly accepting that Cheney has a heart? (I actually think he has one, but is a classic sociopath lacking a conscience.) When did war profiteers stop being indicted like Vito Genovese and start being elected Vice President? Sigh.

Nerdalicious February 23, 2010 at 5:25 pm

Can anyone describe the “special” type of hell Dick Chainey will be heading for soon, Satan willing?

pat robertsons personal trainer February 23, 2010 at 5:29 pm

we can only hope number 6 kills him. the symmetry will be perfect. 6 draft deferments, 6 heart attacks, 6 lesbian grandchildren. then the end times will be upon us. I put the over/under at 18 months.

Autoo February 23, 2010 at 5:41 pm

[re=518483]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Better yet, a large meteorite zeroing in on Cheney, Roberts, Alito, Scalia and Thomas* at their next golf foursome.

(Scalia’s caddy, obviously. Thus it’s still a foursome)

Lionel Hutz Esq. February 23, 2010 at 5:47 pm

I simply refuse to believe that Cheney has five hearts.

NJB February 23, 2010 at 5:47 pm

If he were really doing it for America he would have died. Damn – and I was getting ready to torch up a celebratory doobie and everything. Now it will be torched in abject disappointment. But after 5 minutes, I won’t care.

AbstinenceOnly Ed February 23, 2010 at 5:48 pm

Stop dicking around and bite the bullet already like your friend Harry Whittington did.

carlgt1 February 23, 2010 at 5:50 pm

lest we fall for the reich-wing BS of “ooh how can you allegedly peace-and-love-hippie liberals wish for his death!” — remember it was this guy was the only one who voted that Nelson Mandela was a terrorist….

carlgt1 February 23, 2010 at 6:08 pm

he’s so venal that he’ll make sure he dies right before an election so the morons give the Repubs the sympathy vote. Then we’ll be hearing all these gross tributes as if he was some great leader and genius a la the BS they trotted out about Reagan.

Min February 23, 2010 at 6:12 pm

What is it going to take to kill Cheney? A stake and holy water?

Army of None February 23, 2010 at 6:14 pm

So he gets invited to a ceremony commemorating–what?–the 60th Anniversary of the Liberation of Auchwitz in Poland, and everyone else there is wearing a dignified black suit. And he shows up in this shiny green nylon Air Force issue coyote fur trimmed on the hood snorkle parka. Ugh! 5 heart attacks is too good for him!

hotdog February 23, 2010 at 6:19 pm

I, for one, am glad that Cheney did not die yesterday. A fancy televised funeral would have interfered with NBC’s Olympics coverage. Next week will be soon enough.

steverino247 February 23, 2010 at 6:23 pm

[re=518558]Min[/re]: “Calling Dr. van Helsing. Dr. van Helsing to Cardiology.”

Oldskool February 23, 2010 at 6:24 pm

I’m feeling sorry for whatever doctors opened him up in the past and got a whiff of the rancid mass he calls a heart. Gak.

Surfeit O' February 23, 2010 at 6:33 pm

[re=518403]TGY[/re]: Epic Win.

EdFlinstone February 23, 2010 at 6:50 pm

Still alive huh, he’s such a dick-tease.

nappyduggs February 23, 2010 at 7:01 pm

Apparently the key to eternal life is a mixture of pure evil, bacon grease, and shooting people in the face. Thanks Dickie-Boy! I’m typing up birthday wish lists for the next 452 years.

MalcolmFlex February 23, 2010 at 7:09 pm

Heroes live on, but legends never die.

Like Freddy, you know this shit-snake will move on from body to body till his devious deeds are finished. I for one, hope he inhabits Miley Cyrus next. Just you watch, the new Hannah Montana album will be called: “Go Fuck Yourself Iran.” And you’ll wonder why…

Scarab February 23, 2010 at 7:27 pm


(Not as a presidential candidate, that’s the year of my dead pool on him)

phildeaux February 23, 2010 at 7:34 pm

[re=518423]Cheneysheart[/re]: Cheney refused to listen to his doctors when they told him to only eat low fat babies.

swamijoe February 23, 2010 at 7:35 pm

why won’t he just DIE already? can’t he take a hint that NO heart wants to live inside his animated corpse?!

swamijoe February 23, 2010 at 7:37 pm

[re=518330]SmutBoffin[/re]: WIN!

Radiotherapy February 23, 2010 at 7:39 pm

Trite Hollywood plot devices:
The monster who wouldn’t die….Check.
Evil wins in the end….Check.
Obligatory torture scene….Check.
Insipid scatology….Check.
Frantic typing scene….then hyperviolence.

He’s Roth from Miami.

Scooter February 23, 2010 at 7:56 pm

Just think of all the evil deeds Caligula could have gotten done if he’d had an cool electric chariot like Cheney’s.

Jukesgrrl February 23, 2010 at 8:02 pm

I didn’t know mechanical objects had “attacks.” I thought they just broke down.

Darkness February 23, 2010 at 8:36 pm

Nobody Touches Cheney! (Bob the Angry Flower)

rocktonsammy February 23, 2010 at 8:40 pm

See Dick lie.
Lie Dick lie.
See Dick die.
Die Dick die.

Upthruster February 23, 2010 at 8:47 pm

Oh Good, the man who spent 40 years as a government worker, getting government funded healthcare for 40 fucking years gets another heart attack repair job paid for by you and me so he can appear in a chorus of demons to denounce the socialistic government funded healthcare that’s been keeping him alive for decades. Let’s be clear folks, if he wasn’t ever a government employee, getting the golden parachute, he would have been dead 30 years ago after his first heart attack and life on planet earth would have thrived. Do you need any more reason to cut the parachute strings on elected officials.

CanadianBacon February 23, 2010 at 9:17 pm

You know, after watching his speech at the CPAC convention you could tell his heart wasn’t in it anymore.

President Beeblebrox February 23, 2010 at 9:20 pm

That is not dead which can eternal lie,
And with strange aeons even death may die.

Cheney is SO totally a Great Old One.

Bruno February 23, 2010 at 9:20 pm

that’s 5 1/2 years of heart attacks, because he is an ameikun hero

Up To Here Again February 23, 2010 at 9:35 pm

So no matter how many times
he even breaks his own heart
it still doesn’t register in that head.

hotdog February 23, 2010 at 9:38 pm

The encouraging news is that Darth Vader finally dies in Episode VI.

Up To Here Again February 23, 2010 at 9:39 pm

Hey that’s a great idea!


Pat Robertson in 2010

Double Scorpion February 24, 2010 at 1:02 am

What will it take for this man to die? Do we have to crush his skull with Mjölnir? Stab him with Poseidon’s trident?

odelette01 February 24, 2010 at 1:12 am

[re=518492]Nerdalicious[/re]: According to Dante, the innermost circle of hell is made of pure ice and the people in it are completely frozen under it. Makes sense to me.

disgustedcitizen February 24, 2010 at 7:17 am

The undead can not die! Be ascared, be very ascared!

Dave H February 24, 2010 at 2:07 pm

Cheney was released from the hospital.

A doctor called it phantom pains from where he used to have a heart.

Another doctor referred him to a stone mason.

american mutt February 24, 2010 at 2:07 pm
NiNi February 25, 2010 at 1:05 am

Read over some of this gar-bahge – barrage. So much venom out there.


And they all think they know the truth. Do they? Or do they just think they do?

God Help you brothers and sisters.

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