praise jeebus

Dick Cheney Has Fifth Heart Attack, For America

Can't die up hereAnd here we all were thinking “chest pains.” We should have known that for Dick Cheney, mild chest pains are actually mild heart attacks, and doctors have now determined that he did have one of these yesterday — his fifth! But he didn’t die so you all can make fun of him. (David Denby would not agree with this Internet logic.) (Is David Denby dead yet?) [Washington Post]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

1 comment

  1. RoscoePColtraine

    “Cheney’s Fifth.”

    It’s got a pretty good beat, but I don’t think you can dance to it.

  2. Hooray For Anything

    Smart move by Cheney to make all those horcruxes and then store them away in his various “secret locations.”

  3. joezoo

    The reagent has given him life, yes, but with each treatment the subject becomes increasingly more violent and deranged. Damn you, Herbert West!

  4. SmutBoffin


    There was a man who, everyday, would buy a newspaper on the way to work, glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it and he asked the man, “Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the front page before discarding it?”

    The man replied, “I am only interested in the obituaries.”

    “But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper.”

    “Young man,” he said, “the son of a bitch I’m looking for will be on the front page.”


  5. honkyman

    All other factors being equal, which condition is most likely to result in Vice Presidents:

    a)A heart attack occurs when blood to the heart muscle is blocked.

    b)A penis attack occurs when blood to the penis muscle is blocked.

    c)A brain attack occurs when blood to the brain muscle is blocked.

    d)A liver attack occurs when blood to the liver is blocked.

  6. Cape Clod

    I’ve always gotten my medical knowledge from old episodes of Sanford and Son. I always thought you could only have three heart attacks and third time is “The Big One.”

  7. SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    His ill health makes me terribly sad. Such a great American. I sent him a “Get Well Soon” card with a box of pork chops.

  8. Mapmonger

    Everyone knows that the only heart attack that will take Cheney down, is the one which requires a wooden stake and a hammer.

  9. JMP

    I was expecting this last night; crazed wignuts are always fun, but people are a little behind on the Cheney deathwatch. Not that he really had a heart attack, since we all know that he doesn’t actually have a working heart anymore; this was cover for the dark ceremony the “man” uses to enable his eternal life by sacrificing the blood of the still-living.

  10. FMA

    [re=518343]The Station Manager[/re]: I, too, am saddened by that. (Actually, my favorite line from that movie is “Your dead father has been lobotomized.”)

  11. WIDTAP

    I understand that a heart attack hurts like a son-of-a-bitch.

    And yet so many of you insist that there is no God.

  12. Mr Blifil

    Andrew Breitbart would be terribly disturbed by the tone here represented. I’m sure he’d find it despicable and lower than the last discarded pineapple core he had wriggling about in his feces holding area.

  13. SayItWithWookies

    All seventeen giant pumps that kept New Orleans dry failed, and Dick Cheney’s sick little coal-bblackened raisin keeps on throbbing. Explain that, theists.

  14. PlanetWingnuta

    Maybe they took him to the Temple on Lost Island and he got cured because Jacob or was it Esau Loves him? something like that.

  15. Cheneysheart

    [re=518353]carlgt1[/re]: No, I heard it was linked to the fact that Najibullah Zazi pleaded guilty and is now helping authorities find other terrorists by using REAL intel – WITHOUT BEING FUCKED UP BY THE Wingnut Geheime Staatspolizei.

  16. frumious_bandersnatch

    [re=518320]Hooray For Anything[/re]: ::wild applause:: I think he’s going to make the sixth one out of one of David Vitter’s diapers. Rick Santorum should probably sharpen up his constant vigilance skills.

  17. Gorillionaire

    Thank goodness he has all of that taxpayer paid, socialist commie healthcare or otherwise that fifth heart attack would have killed him AND cost him $529,998.62.

  18. sati demise

    [re=518387]Gorillionaire[/re]: goes to a socialist government run military hospital too.

    No wonder he hangs around DC all the time.

  19. Redhead

    [re=518373]PlanetWingnuta[/re]: This is what the smoke monster looks like, when he doesn’t look like a big cloud of smoke or dead Locke.

    Heh, doesn’t the smoke monster eat babies and innocent plane passengers and puppies and ponies and such? Sounds like Cheney to me. Of course, when the people on Lost shoot each other, at least they usually do it face-to-face.

  20. Redhead

    [re=518385]Prommie[/re]: It’s going to be awhile. Hell keeps looking at him and going, “fuck, we’re not ready for THIS THING yet! We have to build a whole other level of hell just for him!”

  21. TGY

    Dick Cheney sold his soul to Satan so many times, he can’t come and collect cause it’s been ‘securitized’ and resold to various unsuspecting devils. In other words, Dick Cheney’s soul is Satan’s toxic asset.

  22. JMP

    [re=518347]Mapmonger[/re]: You’ve got the wrong form of undead; to fully put and end to Cheney, one must destroy the phylactery which houses his soul, then destroy his body before he can construct a new one.

    [re=518378]ragingboehner[/re]: Like Nixon before him, the mainstream media will, at most, call him “controversial”; the rest of us, however, as with the other Dick, can feel free to dance on his grave – but only if we can be certain he has truly been sent to a final end.

  23. Hooray For Anything

    [re=518345]Prommie[/re]: His poor heart would be able to make it out of him if it weren’t so small

  24. Cheneysheart

    God: “Louie, (short for Lucifer – cause they’re buds) I’m sending Cheney to you, so get ready.”

    Satan: “FUCK NO – I saw what he did to W!!”

  25. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=518390]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Well, he’s burned up five of those six deferments with that shitclogged ticker of his.

    Are human/negro babies high in cholesterol?

  26. PlanetWingnuta

    [re=518392]Redhead[/re]: dont forget he ‘sprayed’ his load of buckshot all on his friends face and neck. you know…that does make him a dick cause a dick does all those things too.

  27. Cheneysheart

    [re=518417]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: I’ve heard that Muslim babies are better for you – cause they don’t eat pork!

  28. comicbookguy

    [re=518403]TGY[/re]: When he finally goes and the brokers work out all those credit default swaps, they’ll find Satan, Hades, and Cthulu all own claims to the same shares! Just wait till they get their hands on those Bear Stearns guys, why I oughta…

  29. Ducksworthy

    [re=518321]joezoo[/re]: Even without the HP reference this is an excellent description of what has happened to the formerly fun loving, happy-go-lucky, Dickster.

  30. iolanthe

    Poor Cheney.

    Such a sad misunderstood hypochondriac.

    New Repub Senator, supposedly the latest Wingnut Savior, votes the wrong way on a bill = Heart attack!

    Dusky Nemesis sworn in as POTUS = Back trouble!

    Weird, huh?

    May Dick encounter a hundred further such disappointments before Satan returns to clasp him to his leathery breast and fly off to their True Forever Home.

  31. The Other Sarah T


    Yeah you right. Too bad the Army Corps of Engineers weren’t the ones who built Cheney’s last couple of “hearts”.

  32. arewethereyet

    i’m sending him a couple of big macs and a dozen donuts to help speed his recovery. enjoy, dick!

  33. June Cleaver 2.0

    Too much macho Obama in Pakistan recently? Plus Colin Powell remarks on the teevee. If Obama can get Osama — well let’s hope that’s the magic combination. And then Clarence Thomas drops dead out of sheer sadness — two for one.

  34. WhatTheHeck

    Oh, there are many things worse than death. For instance, Sarah Palin’s running mate in 2012.
    May he live 2 more years.

  35. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=518444]arewethereyet[/re]: Ice cream sundae…with cheesecake sauce.

    Just typing that out caused my heart to flutter.

  36. bitchincamaro

    “Is there a God, Daddy?”

    “Well son, is Dick Cheney still sucking oxygen?”

    “Yes, Daddy.”

    “Then the answer is ‘no’.”

  37. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=518453]June Cleaver 2.0[/re]: Oh no, I’d take Scalia before Thomas. Or make it a three-fer, since good things come in threes. Also.

  38. Justin Time

    I am saving a bottle of good scotch. When the dickster is being welcomed by Cerberus, I will be honoring the cloaca by reverently sprinkling the scotch on his grave. It will be a very special blend of scotch, filtered through my kidneys.

  39. lawrenceofthedesert

    How is it that our society is rightly suspicious of a second shooter in Dealey Plaza, but blindly accepting that Cheney has a heart? (I actually think he has one, but is a classic sociopath lacking a conscience.) When did war profiteers stop being indicted like Vito Genovese and start being elected Vice President? Sigh.

  40. Nerdalicious

    Can anyone describe the “special” type of hell Dick Chainey will be heading for soon, Satan willing?

  41. pat robertsons personal trainer

    we can only hope number 6 kills him. the symmetry will be perfect. 6 draft deferments, 6 heart attacks, 6 lesbian grandchildren. then the end times will be upon us. I put the over/under at 18 months.

  42. Autoo

    [re=518483]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Better yet, a large meteorite zeroing in on Cheney, Roberts, Alito, Scalia and Thomas* at their next golf foursome.

    (Scalia’s caddy, obviously. Thus it’s still a foursome)

  43. NJB

    If he were really doing it for America he would have died. Damn – and I was getting ready to torch up a celebratory doobie and everything. Now it will be torched in abject disappointment. But after 5 minutes, I won’t care.

  44. carlgt1

    lest we fall for the reich-wing BS of “ooh how can you allegedly peace-and-love-hippie liberals wish for his death!” — remember it was this guy was the only one who voted that Nelson Mandela was a terrorist….

  45. carlgt1

    he’s so venal that he’ll make sure he dies right before an election so the morons give the Repubs the sympathy vote. Then we’ll be hearing all these gross tributes as if he was some great leader and genius a la the BS they trotted out about Reagan.

  46. Army of None

    So he gets invited to a ceremony commemorating–what?–the 60th Anniversary of the Liberation of Auchwitz in Poland, and everyone else there is wearing a dignified black suit. And he shows up in this shiny green nylon Air Force issue coyote fur trimmed on the hood snorkle parka. Ugh! 5 heart attacks is too good for him!

  47. hotdog

    I, for one, am glad that Cheney did not die yesterday. A fancy televised funeral would have interfered with NBC’s Olympics coverage. Next week will be soon enough.

  48. Oldskool

    I’m feeling sorry for whatever doctors opened him up in the past and got a whiff of the rancid mass he calls a heart. Gak.

  49. nappyduggs

    Apparently the key to eternal life is a mixture of pure evil, bacon grease, and shooting people in the face. Thanks Dickie-Boy! I’m typing up birthday wish lists for the next 452 years.

  50. MalcolmFlex

    Heroes live on, but legends never die.

    Like Freddy, you know this shit-snake will move on from body to body till his devious deeds are finished. I for one, hope he inhabits Miley Cyrus next. Just you watch, the new Hannah Montana album will be called: “Go Fuck Yourself Iran.” And you’ll wonder why…

  51. phildeaux

    [re=518423]Cheneysheart[/re]: Cheney refused to listen to his doctors when they told him to only eat low fat babies.

  52. swamijoe

    why won’t he just DIE already? can’t he take a hint that NO heart wants to live inside his animated corpse?!

  53. Scooter

    Just think of all the evil deeds Caligula could have gotten done if he’d had an cool electric chariot like Cheney’s.

  54. Upthruster

    Oh Good, the man who spent 40 years as a government worker, getting government funded healthcare for 40 fucking years gets another heart attack repair job paid for by you and me so he can appear in a chorus of demons to denounce the socialistic government funded healthcare that’s been keeping him alive for decades. Let’s be clear folks, if he wasn’t ever a government employee, getting the golden parachute, he would have been dead 30 years ago after his first heart attack and life on planet earth would have thrived. Do you need any more reason to cut the parachute strings on elected officials.

  55. CanadianBacon

    You know, after watching his speech at the CPAC convention you could tell his heart wasn’t in it anymore.

  56. President Beeblebrox

    That is not dead which can eternal lie,
    And with strange aeons even death may die.

    Cheney is SO totally a Great Old One.

  57. Up To Here Again

    So no matter how many times
    he even breaks his own heart
    it still doesn’t register in that head.

  58. Double Scorpion

    What will it take for this man to die? Do we have to crush his skull with Mjölnir? Stab him with Poseidon’s trident?

  59. odelette01

    [re=518492]Nerdalicious[/re]: According to Dante, the innermost circle of hell is made of pure ice and the people in it are completely frozen under it. Makes sense to me.

  60. Dave H

    Cheney was released from the hospital.

    A doctor called it phantom pains from where he used to have a heart.

    Another doctor referred him to a stone mason.

  61. NiNi

    Read over some of this gar-bahge – barrage. So much venom out there.


    And they all think they know the truth. Do they? Or do they just think they do?

    God Help you brothers and sisters.

Comments are closed.