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Can't die up hereAnd here we all were thinking “chest pains.” We should have known that for Dick Cheney, mild chest pains are actually mild heart attacks, and doctors have now determined that he did have one of these yesterday — his fifth! But he didn’t die so you all can make fun of him. (David Denby would not agree with this Internet logic.) (Is David Denby dead yet?) [Washington Post]

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  1. [joke]

    There was a man who, everyday, would buy a newspaper on the way to work, glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it and he asked the man, “Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the front page before discarding it?”

    The man replied, “I am only interested in the obituaries.”

    “But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper.”

    “Young man,” he said, “the son of a bitch I’m looking for will be on the front page.”

    [/joke]

  2. All other factors being equal, which condition is most likely to result in Vice Presidents:

    a)A heart attack occurs when blood to the heart muscle is blocked.

    b)A penis attack occurs when blood to the penis muscle is blocked.

    c)A brain attack occurs when blood to the brain muscle is blocked.

    d)A liver attack occurs when blood to the liver is blocked.

  3. I’ve always gotten my medical knowledge from old episodes of Sanford and Son. I always thought you could only have three heart attacks and third time is “The Big One.”

  4. I was expecting this last night; crazed wignuts are always fun, but people are a little behind on the Cheney deathwatch. Not that he really had a heart attack, since we all know that he doesn’t actually have a working heart anymore; this was cover for the dark ceremony the “man” uses to enable his eternal life by sacrificing the blood of the still-living.

  5. [re=518343]The Station Manager[/re]: I, too, am saddened by that. (Actually, my favorite line from that movie is “Your dead father has been lobotomized.”)

  6. Andrew Breitbart would be terribly disturbed by the tone here represented. I’m sure he’d find it despicable and lower than the last discarded pineapple core he had wriggling about in his feces holding area.

  7. All seventeen giant pumps that kept New Orleans dry failed, and Dick Cheney’s sick little coal-bblackened raisin keeps on throbbing. Explain that, theists.

  8. [re=518353]carlgt1[/re]: No, I heard it was linked to the fact that Najibullah Zazi pleaded guilty and is now helping authorities find other terrorists by using REAL intel – WITHOUT BEING FUCKED UP BY THE Wingnut Geheime Staatspolizei.

  9. [re=518320]Hooray For Anything[/re]: ::wild applause:: I think he’s going to make the sixth one out of one of David Vitter’s diapers. Rick Santorum should probably sharpen up his constant vigilance skills.

  10. Thank goodness he has all of that taxpayer paid, socialist commie healthcare or otherwise that fifth heart attack would have killed him AND cost him $529,998.62.

  11. [re=518373]PlanetWingnuta[/re]: This is what the smoke monster looks like, when he doesn’t look like a big cloud of smoke or dead Locke.

    Heh, doesn’t the smoke monster eat babies and innocent plane passengers and puppies and ponies and such? Sounds like Cheney to me. Of course, when the people on Lost shoot each other, at least they usually do it face-to-face.

  12. [re=518385]Prommie[/re]: It’s going to be awhile. Hell keeps looking at him and going, “fuck, we’re not ready for THIS THING yet! We have to build a whole other level of hell just for him!”

  13. Dick Cheney sold his soul to Satan so many times, he can’t come and collect cause it’s been ‘securitized’ and resold to various unsuspecting devils. In other words, Dick Cheney’s soul is Satan’s toxic asset.

  14. [re=518347]Mapmonger[/re]: You’ve got the wrong form of undead; to fully put and end to Cheney, one must destroy the phylactery which houses his soul, then destroy his body before he can construct a new one.

    [re=518378]ragingboehner[/re]: Like Nixon before him, the mainstream media will, at most, call him “controversial”; the rest of us, however, as with the other Dick, can feel free to dance on his grave – but only if we can be certain he has truly been sent to a final end.

  15. God: “Louie, (short for Lucifer – cause they’re buds) I’m sending Cheney to you, so get ready.”

    Satan: “FUCK NO – I saw what he did to W!!”

  16. [re=518390]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Well, he’s burned up five of those six deferments with that shitclogged ticker of his.

    Are human/negro babies high in cholesterol?

  17. [re=518392]Redhead[/re]: dont forget he ‘sprayed’ his load of buckshot all on his friends face and neck. you know…that does make him a dick cause a dick does all those things too.

  18. [re=518403]TGY[/re]: When he finally goes and the brokers work out all those credit default swaps, they’ll find Satan, Hades, and Cthulu all own claims to the same shares! Just wait till they get their hands on those Bear Stearns guys, why I oughta…

  19. [re=518321]joezoo[/re]: Even without the HP reference this is an excellent description of what has happened to the formerly fun loving, happy-go-lucky, Dickster.

  20. Poor Cheney.

    Such a sad misunderstood hypochondriac.

    New Repub Senator, supposedly the latest Wingnut Savior, votes the wrong way on a bill = Heart attack!

    Dusky Nemesis sworn in as POTUS = Back trouble!

    Weird, huh?

    May Dick encounter a hundred further such disappointments before Satan returns to clasp him to his leathery breast and fly off to their True Forever Home.

  21. [re=518370]SayItWithWookies[/re]:

    Yeah you right. Too bad the Army Corps of Engineers weren’t the ones who built Cheney’s last couple of “hearts”.

  22. Too much macho Obama in Pakistan recently? Plus Colin Powell remarks on the teevee. If Obama can get Osama — well let’s hope that’s the magic combination. And then Clarence Thomas drops dead out of sheer sadness — two for one.

  23. [re=518453]June Cleaver 2.0[/re]: Oh no, I’d take Scalia before Thomas. Or make it a three-fer, since good things come in threes. Also.

  24. I am saving a bottle of good scotch. When the dickster is being welcomed by Cerberus, I will be honoring the cloaca by reverently sprinkling the scotch on his grave. It will be a very special blend of scotch, filtered through my kidneys.

  25. How is it that our society is rightly suspicious of a second shooter in Dealey Plaza, but blindly accepting that Cheney has a heart? (I actually think he has one, but is a classic sociopath lacking a conscience.) When did war profiteers stop being indicted like Vito Genovese and start being elected Vice President? Sigh.

  26. we can only hope number 6 kills him. the symmetry will be perfect. 6 draft deferments, 6 heart attacks, 6 lesbian grandchildren. then the end times will be upon us. I put the over/under at 18 months.

  27. [re=518483]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Better yet, a large meteorite zeroing in on Cheney, Roberts, Alito, Scalia and Thomas* at their next golf foursome.

    (Scalia’s caddy, obviously. Thus it’s still a foursome)

  28. If he were really doing it for America he would have died. Damn – and I was getting ready to torch up a celebratory doobie and everything. Now it will be torched in abject disappointment. But after 5 minutes, I won’t care.

  29. lest we fall for the reich-wing BS of “ooh how can you allegedly peace-and-love-hippie liberals wish for his death!” — remember it was this guy was the only one who voted that Nelson Mandela was a terrorist….

  30. he’s so venal that he’ll make sure he dies right before an election so the morons give the Repubs the sympathy vote. Then we’ll be hearing all these gross tributes as if he was some great leader and genius a la the BS they trotted out about Reagan.

  31. So he gets invited to a ceremony commemorating–what?–the 60th Anniversary of the Liberation of Auchwitz in Poland, and everyone else there is wearing a dignified black suit. And he shows up in this shiny green nylon Air Force issue coyote fur trimmed on the hood snorkle parka. Ugh! 5 heart attacks is too good for him!

  32. I, for one, am glad that Cheney did not die yesterday. A fancy televised funeral would have interfered with NBC’s Olympics coverage. Next week will be soon enough.

  33. Apparently the key to eternal life is a mixture of pure evil, bacon grease, and shooting people in the face. Thanks Dickie-Boy! I’m typing up birthday wish lists for the next 452 years.

  34. Heroes live on, but legends never die.

    Like Freddy, you know this shit-snake will move on from body to body till his devious deeds are finished. I for one, hope he inhabits Miley Cyrus next. Just you watch, the new Hannah Montana album will be called: “Go Fuck Yourself Iran.” And you’ll wonder why…

  35. Oh Good, the man who spent 40 years as a government worker, getting government funded healthcare for 40 fucking years gets another heart attack repair job paid for by you and me so he can appear in a chorus of demons to denounce the socialistic government funded healthcare that’s been keeping him alive for decades. Let’s be clear folks, if he wasn’t ever a government employee, getting the golden parachute, he would have been dead 30 years ago after his first heart attack and life on planet earth would have thrived. Do you need any more reason to cut the parachute strings on elected officials.

  36. [re=518492]Nerdalicious[/re]: According to Dante, the innermost circle of hell is made of pure ice and the people in it are completely frozen under it. Makes sense to me.

  37. Cheney was released from the hospital.

    A doctor called it phantom pains from where he used to have a heart.

    Another doctor referred him to a stone mason.

  38. Read over some of this gar-bahge – barrage. So much venom out there.

    Sad.

    And they all think they know the truth. Do they? Or do they just think they do?

    God Help you brothers and sisters.

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