Dig the fucker up and hang him.Not even teabaggers and wingnuts pay any attention to Jonah Goldberg, but he still wants in on this whole GOP purge & self-destruct thing he saw on the Internet, so he has bravely submitted the dead Republican president Teddy “Theodore” Roosevelt as the next victim. Why must the beloved GOP icon be destroyed? Because Jonah actually looked up this Roosevelt guy on Yahoo and whoops, communist much, Teddy? No wonder they called him “The Bull Moose Pulpit” or whatever.

Seems old Teddy said or wrote something that implied people should be decent to one another, which is exactly what Stalin used to say. Worse yet, “T.R.” apparently thought GOVERNMENT should play some role in society.

But T.R. saw the State (hopefully with himself at the helm) as the arbiter of what did and did not represent a “benefit” to the community. That this is a deeply statist mindset seems pretty obvious to me, not least because T.R. admits that he thinks this standard should usher in a new era of greater state power and “governmental interference with social and economic conditions.” …. T.R. worship is nonetheless fraught with peril for conservatives.

And Jonah’s mom emailed with a new Word of the Day, “statist,” and Jonah thinks it is just the coolest word to use, on a blog. If he could just work in a reference to a cartoon episode from two decades ago, he would really have something going on, with his writing. He might even rework this for the Los Angeles Times. (Did you know he is the “conservative pundit” for that paper? It’s true!)

One day soon, Jonah’s going to hear about this “Nationalized Parks” thing, and he is NOT going to be happy about it. [The Corner]

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  1. Even stranger coincidence: Teddy created the National Park system, which includes Yellowstone Park’s famous geyser, “Old Faithful,” which erupts on a regular basis; and JoGo continually spews out a geyser of bulls*** on a regular basis.

    Coincidence, or SOCIALIST PLOT???

  2. As they learn a little history and civics, they keep finding out, to their great dismay and surprise, that certain aspects of what they now curse as “socialism” and “communism” have always been part of our culture and our government. Now, one possibility is that they simply have it wrong about “socialism,” that its not always and everywhere utter evil per se, and it is not antithetical to our Constitution and our cultural and governmental traditions and beliefs. But this possibility does not occurr to them, no, they know they are the ones who are right, and therefore, they must now revise and rewrite history itself, to make it clear that all these american leaders, politicians, and statesmen, going back hundreds of years, who supported socialist policies, the baggers must now retroactively declare them all commie homo Obama-loving fascists. They will wind up trying to prove that everyone who has ever lived, throughout history, was wrong.

  3. If it’s a nationalized park, does this mean Gen-U-Ine Hobo-Amurricuns, such as Born-in-the-USA Yours Truly, can cut down some of those big-ass trees and make some cash? What the hay … more will grow. Can I get a red plaid shirt at Walmart? TIM-BER!! I LOVE Socialism!

  4. “Statist?” This is someone who, oh, believes in, umm, government? These people are civic luddites. They really do want to live in caves, with the biggest troglodyte just clubbing everyone else and taking their shit and fucking their women, the libertarian paradise.

  5. I hope the Republicans disown T.R. A lot of us Libtards would be plenty happy to adopt him as one of our own. Or, we can trade. We’ll take Teddy and Honest Abe, they can have southern Democrats from the pre-Civil Rights era.

  6. Jonah’s on to something. Could it be that the whole point of the Roosevelt Corollary was to guarantee that Teddy could get into Cuba decades before Castro and set up his own leader-for-life communist dictatorship?

  7. Can anybody look at or listen to the Doughy Pantload and not know he is the spawn of mommy Lucianne’s fetid womb and Newt Gingrich’s twisted spermatozoa? We unfortunate Georgians are privy to the sordid circumstances surrounding that unwholesome coupling lo those many years ago behind a dumpster in a Waffle House parking lot. I shudder!

  8. Nice, Jonah! I haven’t heard a good rant about ‘statism’ since the Paultard reLOVEution of aught-eight.

    A++++ wingnuttery. Would download again!

  9. Other reasons Teddy was a bad Republican:
    1. He actually served in the real military, and fought in combat, with bullets.
    2. He didn’t resign from office halfway through, even when his wife and mother died.
    3. He read books and admired smart people.

  10. Wait ’til he learns that TR was known as the “Trust Buster,” and that that was a reference to breaking up large corporations and not some reference to maiming the Poors.

  11. They’re like the aliens in the remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers with Donald Sutherland, pointing at the non-pod people and screeching…

  12. [re=518093]Prommie[/re]: Civic Luddites! I hope that catches on and you get credit. But wouldn’t such luddites reject war as well as every other government function. But war is the one thing these guys can’t get enough of. So if the only aspect of the state you approve of is its war making power what are you? A fascist, perhaps?

  13. Gee Teddy had the foresight to see that captialism will eventually eat itself and came up with the Antitrust legislation to break up the large companies who were screwing over the common and that of course in Jonah’s Milton Friedman fantasy land would be a problem because the free markets are perfect in everyway. (Until people stop reading Jonah’s bullshit and then the free market will suck).

  14. Jonah also believes that Umpires should not interfere with the game in any sport. Which is basically saying that he’s a fan of Rugby. For example, take Football, remove Umpire, you’ve got Rugby. Take Soccer, remove Ref, pick up the ball, you’ve got Rugby. Ice Dancing, take away the judges, the ice, you’ve got Rugby.

    Incidentally, I love how they’re preaching the virtues of the free market whilst the NRO Cruise is now being advertised at $2000 off. Free market wins!

  15. Okay, let me see if I’ve got this straight. Elections reflect the will of the people. But when the people who were elected to represent the people use government to curb the excesses of business that hurt the people, this is somehow not representing the people? I guess, then, that the conservative philosophy is that people elect their leaders so that they don’t do anything that helps the people who elected them. Okay, got it. Now all Jonah has to explain is why this brilliant philosophy is growing increasingly hysterical and unpopular.

  16. [re=518106]Gorillionaire[/re]: He fucking wrote books, history books. I wish he would come back to life as a zombie, he’d hate these teabaggers. I just know he would go after these pigfuckers like he was back on San Juan Hill and he would kill them and eat their tiny, tiny little fucking ignorant brains, and it would take all of them to make a good, healthy-sized zombie meal.

  17. I, too, have wondered what this new word “statist” means (but I’m too lazy to look it up). It makes me think of a black silk dress with static electricity, in the dark. That doesn’t sound too bad.

  18. A few quotes from our beloved Rough Rider…

    The government is us; we are the government, you and I.

    When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer ‘Present’ or ‘Not guilty.’

    Of all forms of tyranny the least attractive and the most vulgar is the tyranny of mere wealth, the tyranny of plutocracy.

    A man who has never gone to school may steal from a freight car; but if he has a university education, he may steal the whole railroad.


    I always assumed if they knew Teddy better, they’d like him a whole lot less.

  19. can someone explain the joker thing i dont get it never have gotten it…why does joker face = socialism???? i thought he was more anarchist myself…

  20. Teddy Roosevelt – “He was always a more admirable, decent, and heroic man than Woodrow Wilson” Always, Jonah? Always?

    May I just ask, who the f— is Jonah Goldberg? Where does he get off making these kinds of historical pronouncements?

  21. T.R. also appreciated the side benefits of taking care of the “environment.” But that was before millions of Americans needed 4 cars (2 for the garage, 2 for the driveway) and walking a mile to the store was simply out of reach for most of us.

    But, once T.R. got painted with that ‘tree-hugger’ label, this was bound to happen sooner or later.

  22. OK, I just looked it up. Teddy R. won the election of 1904 against some Democrat and perennial ACTUAL SOCIALIST CANDIDATE EUGENE V. FUCKING DEBS.

    Jonah G. just doesn’t <ido “historical perspective”, does he?

  23. If the Republicans get rid of TR, then how many great President’s could they now claim? St.Ronnie of course and…well….Abraham Lincoln? That’s two in the past 150 years . What else have they got? Harding was maybe the most corrupt President in history, Coolidge was a dullard, and those two combined with Hoover led to the Great Depression. Taft? Commie. They’ve also disowned both Bushes and nobody mentions Ike so what you have is a party that can reasonably say “Vote for Us! Every Centry We Get One Right.” Or “Conservatism! We’ve Never Actally Done This!”

  24. Calvin keeps it Coolidge is the only worthy Conservative in the pre-Reagan era. Eisenhower was a pansy, Nixon a hippie, and Lincoln a n—– lover.

  25. “We grudge no man a fortune in civil life if it is honorably obtained and well used. It is not even enough that it should have been gained without doing damage to the community. We should permit it to be gained only so long as the gaining represents benefit to the community…The really big fortune, the swollen fortune, by the mere fact of its size, acquires qualities which differentiate it in kind as well as in degree from what is possessed by men of relatively small means. Therefore, I believe in a graduated income tax on big fortunes, and…a graduated inheritance tax on big fortunes, properly safeguarded against evasion, and increasing rapidly in amount with the size of the estate.” -Teddy

    That’s redistribution of wealth if I’ve ever seen it.

  26. [re=518142]Hooray For Anything[/re]: How in the hell could Lincoln have survived the strict constitutionalists of today? He would have probably been fucking assassinated.

  27. [re=518165]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Probably would have been asssasinated by some southern teabagger type who thought he was defending our freedoms against the oppression of a tyrant.

  28. [re=518146]Rorgg[/re]: Just wait until the Teabaggers find out that until after the days of TR, Republicans WERE the progressive option on the ticket. Oh the wailing and gnashing of teeth then.

  29. The guy got shot in the chest in an assassination attempt, then went on to give a speech. With shotgun hole. He is an untouchable badass. Teddy–Not Jonah. Jonah got punched in the crotch in 3rd grade and has yet to stop whimpering.

  30. [re=518088]Prommie[/re]: But the founding fathers hated all forms of socialism; why, if they wanted to allow evil libral big government, they should’ve given Congress the power to lay and collect Taxes, Duties, Imposts and Excises, to pay the Debts and provide for the common Defence and general Welfare of the United States; and also to borrow money on the credit of the United States; and to regulate Commerce with foreign Nations, and among the several States.

    [re=518093]Prommie[/re]: We can also let them have Andrew Jackson (the original teabagger, who also loved killing brown people) and James Buchanan. The wignuts also don’t like Ike, so we can take him off their hands.

    [re=518142]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Now, Harding, Coolidge and Hoover were perfect Republican presidents; hell, before W. Bush they were the most perfectly doctrinaire free market conservatives we’ve had. And the economy of the 20s were booming! Don’t blame them that FDR reached back in time to retroactively cause the Great Depression.

  31. TR has always been one of my personal historical heroes.

    [re=518124]Prommie[/re]: He actually had an intellect. Something we haven’t seen from the Republitards for years.

  32. [re=518124]Prommie[/re]: Um, doesn’t Jonah the fail write “history books” too? I guess that should just be “history” books, but whatever, maybe they aren’t actually books after all. how would I know?

  33. [re=518129]PlanetWingnuta[/re]: I dunno, but I think we should take up the meme from them and start making our own joker face thingies but, say, start with Michelle Crazy Eyes because of her love of farm subsidies. Or maybe Snowbilly, for her love of pork and socialized medisin for her non-retard grandbaby.

  34. [re=518209]Crank Tango[/re]: we can put Snowbilly in Two-Face make up with the retard thing…NO NO for Rahm, Yes Its OkFor Rush…in fact someone photoshop that up…I can see pure Win if it becomes popular.

  35. [re=518090]Crank Tango[/re]: It’s sort of like this guy I knew in college who got himself certified as disabled, because he is sort of screwed up, but he rants about the nanny state. He’s really no more unable to traipse in daily to a crappy job than anyone else. As another friend with degrees in psychology says, “He’s not disabled, he’s just a jerk!”

  36. The fact that Teddy started a couple completely optional wars should work in his favor with the wingnuts. The fact that they were actually winnable, however, works against him.

    I guess TR really was just a hyper-literary envirohomo after all.

  37. Once upon a time being a “Republican” mainly meant that you lived in the North and were anti-slavery. Now it means that your a “hoem sholed” Jesus freak who hates everybody and all your pictures of Sarah Palin are stuck together.

  38. “T.R. worship is nonetheless fraught with peril for conservatives.” Much too late, Jonah. Rough-riding and stick-carrying are endemic, and CPAC-ers are regularly draining/being drained of their manly pith.

  39. [re=518259]Joshua Norton[/re]: Please, please….you’ve got tons of Wonkette cred. The kind of cred that allows us to assume you meant to spell it that way. On purpose. For some literary effect/affect or whatever. Skoalrebel, not so much.

  40. Careful, Jonah. Teddy Roosevelt isn’t the type to consider “I’m dead” any kind of excuse for not killing you in the face if you make him mad enough. Your fellow wingnuts might not miss you that much, but they would definitely miss the anti-trust exemptions T.R. would kick holes through for good measure while nature-hiking back to his place in the Afterlife.

  41. My wingnut friend was just telling me last weekend how fraught with peril he was over that Presidency at the turn of the (last) century. It was keeping him up at nights, he confessed.

    I offered to blow his brain out for him.

  42. [re=518095]HedonismBot[/re]: “they can have southern Democrats from the pre-Civil Rights era.”

    They did. Where do you think Strom Thurmond led the Dixiecrats after Johnson gave them the collective middle finger?

    I’ve always asserted that Teddy Roosevelt was one of the most left-wing liberal presidents we’ve ever had in office, matched only by his nephew Frankie, and I stand by that assertion with everything I read about the man. How Republicans can continue to claim him in their legacy is an affront to the very concept of “history.”

    Of course, with a list of accomplishments consisting solely of “In the 1860s we freed the slaves, and never did anything ever again” I guess we can throw them a bone.

  43. [re=518303]FMA[/re]: [re=518147]Cheneysheart[/re]: what about that shit with the moneylenders in the temple? Sounds like banking reform to me! Or wait. was it money changers. Whatever. Socializms!

  44. [re=518112]Ruhe[/re]: Not acording to Jonah, it’s not! According to Jonah, fascism is exactly the opposite of whatever the thing you think it is, is.

  45. TR won the Nobel Peace Prize AND the Medal of Honor*. No wonder chickenhawks like Mrs. Goldberg’s baby boy distrust him.

    * Both were totally legit, although the 10th Cavalry (Negro) saved him from getting his amateur ass and his whole command killed.

  46. In some aspects, Teddy is a better Republican idol than Jonah imagines: TR created an inflated false persona as a rugged western frontiersman (a pose that caught GW’s imagination a century later) and was also a resolute racist who believed the Aryan destiny was to rule the world. And he sold out the Philippines and Korea. And he had a hot crazy daughter. What’s not to like?

  47. [re=518348]Senile Agitation[/re]: Well he didn’t sell all that National Park stuff to Exxon and started a Horrifying Trend. Poor Ronnie Reagan–one big redwoould tree would do, don’tcha know?

  48. [re=518116]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: Rugby wouldn’t qualify – it still has a referee, and plenty of obscure interference by the referee when the scrum gets pushed the wrong way or a tackle is held too long. Cal lost the US College championship last year in part because the ref penalized them repeatedly late in the match. What Goldberg really likes is Old 6 style NHL Hockey where the refs refused to break up fights until someone was on the ground/knocked out.

    [re=518113]JoeMac[/re]: Don’t let them know, but Howard Taft, while generally a free market fapper, was an even bigger trust buster than TR, as President and on the Supreme Court. And Abe all but seized the means of production for the people during the Civil War, to keep the flow of supplies to the North. He also locked up pro-sourthern publishers for sedition, went to war to destroy the myth states had a right to either nullify Congressional Acts or secede, and considered all people who supported secession through armed conflict to be traitors.

  49. [re=518406]Crank Tango[/re]: Feel free to take them and post them liberally around the web. The Glenn Beck has shown up on Politico’s forums a number of times. Funnily enough, I called a shitstorm on myself for posting diaries with them at Kos. Those orange wussies are waaaaay too uptight.

  50. [re=518261]Lucidamente[/re]: For brokering a peace deal, no less. Super pussy!

    I seriously wonder who their heroes would really be if they knew anything. Hoover? Pacifist, Quaker, massively expanded and reorganized the Federal beauracracy, supporter of non-intervention in Europe (essentially okay with worldwide Facism). Ike? Built the interstate highway system by giving states the big middle finger, centralized power, supported creation of modern welfare states in Germany and Japan, expanded role of Federal Government in education, science research and social services, used the Army to integrate schools over claims of state’s rights. Nixon? Supported affirmative action, Great Society/New Deal social programs, supported idea (not particular plan) for health care programs, negotiated with Soviets and Chinese instead of starting WWIII, announced intent to pull out of Vietnam and massively drew down forces. Reagan, for all his talk, expanded government spending massively (mainly on the military, but he didn’t exactly gut SS or Medicare despite the constant calls to do so), actually decided after overspending on missiles that he’d rather talk to Gorby rather than blow him up (pussy), and even supported the government giving away surplus food to the masses (sure, it was crappy government cheese, but it wasn’t exactly “weaning” people off the public teat like Bachmann calls for now).

  51. [re=518088]Prommie[/re]: I’m waiting for the first wingnut to realize that the U.S. Constitution establishes a socialist mail delivery system. Oh, boy, is that gonna blow their minds.

  52. [re=518095]HedonismBot[/re]: that deal was made long ago. kinda like how the cleveland browns left cleveland to become the baltimore ravens only then the nfl reanimated the cleveland browns like nothing ever happened. okay. i guess it’s not like that at all. and the browns suck just as bad as the congressional democrats.

    but labels don’t mean much. when it comes to environmental stewardship, standing up for the little guy, and not shitting on your fellow humans unless they ask nicely & you’re into that, i think we all know where teddy, abe, and the modern libtard line up opposed to “the others.” as the great randy newman once said of clarence thomas’s blackness, “Pluto’s not a planet anymore either.”

  53. [re=518303]FMA[/re]: Jesus had to be a Socialist. He fed the masses with a loaf of bread and a couple of fish. Why didn’t those hungry masses just get jobs, instead of hanging around waiting for a handout.

  54. Well I’m pretty excited about young Jonah and his edgy-intellect.Did you know that he wrote a book which COMPLETELY turns the tables on the smug Liberals by proving that they’re the REAL fascists? it’s called Liberal Fascism! Isn’t that brilliant? It proves that, for instance, Nazi is German for ‘liberal’.Because when Liberals are busy denying that they’re fascists, they don’t have much time to mock Teabaggers——Jonah’s a certified GENIUS! and a Patriot too

  55. When you play that Teddy Roosevelt recording exhibited in the National Archives backwards it literally says “Jonah Goldberg has erectile dysfunction.”

  56. [re=518142]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Lincoln supported the Thirteenth Amendment which ended slavery and in opposing secession really kicked the Second and Tenth Amendments back into the shrubbery for a while. That’s plenty of reason for the teabaggers to hate him. Just before TR, McKinley illegally annexed Hawaii- secretly starting the plot to put an islamo-fascist-muslim-socialist into the White House. Maybe Millard Fillmore, later to run on the “Know-Nothing” ticket, is the guy they want to emulate.

  57. [re=518608]Georgia Burning[/re]: Yep, not a lot of Republican President’s out there who could be seen as a conservative or at least a successful conservative President. One could argue that it could be proof that conservative principals suck as a governing ethic but I’m an elitist so what do I know?

  58. [re=518622]Hooray For Anything[/re]: These current ‘conservatives’ would lynch Ronnie Reagan as a hopeless socialist, were he to show up at a 21st century CPAC rally.

  59. Lol…I love Jonah’s take on free markets being better wealth distributors than the state…how’s that working out lardass? We’re the #1 (with a bullet) society in the world in terms of wealth disparity only 30 years after Reagan GLORIOUSLY freed us all from social responsibility and told the rich they could be fat fucking pigs at the trough forever consuming profits without anyone anymore able to take their fork away (because it’s theirs! god damn you!), or raise an eyebrow when they fart and emit poison gas into communities. Ah yes, the glorious, free and fair…perfect competition of the markets! These guys remind me of Trig Palin after someone sprinkled fairy dust into his eyes…no matter how much fact and reality contradicts them, they keep on plowing right ahead. So I was reading this gag gift someone got me for my last B-day, Glenn Beck’s new book (yep, I do love delusional rants, it’s high comedy) and there was this portion where Beckerhead, the emminent economist begins to tell wingnuts how to make liberals look retarded and HARUMPH! stupid about the free market with their LIES! about it.

    Hilariously, this is a two parter and it explains the wingnut proclivity for believing that FREE MARKETS are fair and in perfect competition (god they’re such children)…Meme #1, Beckers, without a hint of irony or shame says that top 1% have actually LOST WEALTH this decade (HAHAHAHAHA) and states this proves that people who CREATE WEALTH lose it over time…really Beck? there’s about I dunno, a 1000 or 2000 dynastic families worth billions a piece who’d love to hear that…hell, one of them probably gave you that bullshit meme and the misleading IRS numbers along with it.

    Meme #2: If a rich guy making 100k gets a 10% raise and a middle class guy making 40k gets a 10% raise…who the fuck cares about disparity? you just got a 10% raise 40k guy, it’s fair! This meme is prima facia sophistry…because both the 100k guy and the 40k guy are in different reaches of the middle class…notice he leaves out that the top 1% averaged around 5 million per person last year in profits alone..but even so, Beckers is an idiot for this example, as the guy making 100k would clearly keep getting raises more often and for longer than the other guy…not to mention the 40k guy would find his job eliminated multiple times and would have to begin again and again. Wow, Glenn Beck is a vision of intellect…I just thought you guys might want to know those points to understand the fantastical mindset of these ‘tards. Also, yes I do read painful, bullshit wingnut books and laugh at their silliness so as to save others from the same fate.

    Ironically, the book is entitled “Arguing With Idiots” (God I love Glenn Beck, shine on you crazy diamond)

  60. Jonah old thesis:

    Mussolini was only called a fascist because he supported Italy’s involvement in World War I. He was really a liberal.

    Jonah’s new thesis:

    Teddy Roosevelt was only called a Republican because when he was elected America was a republic! He was really a communist.

    Future theses:

    Trig Palin is only called retarded because liberals fear Sarah Palin.

    Giving Head is called that because Jonah only has only had sex in restrooms with sailors.

    Douche is a term of opprobrium applied to right wing tools because liberals wanted everyone to thing that Mussolini (il Duce) was a conservative.

  61. Der Loadedhosen is just a tragedy every time he stops eating paste long enough to vomit up a few sentences. If it weren’t for nepotism, this waste of lipids would surely be soup-kitchen material. No wonder he’s such a shill.

  62. Welcome to Americas famous Old Faithful Geyser, brought to you by EXXON. Senator Boner will introduce a bill shortly exhorting the GOP faithful to change the landmarks name to: Old EXXON Geyser. T.R. would have grabbed Boner by the boner and swung him around the chamber.

  63. [re=518416]Carrabuda[/re]: Alas, I suspect you have the correct answer. But, on a brighter note, I like your Wonkette nom de ordinateur, sort of East meets North.
    [re=518896]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: I’d forgotten good old General Buck Turgidson!

  64. [re=518106]Gorillionaire[/re]: 4-He wrote books, with his own hands, that were not overly-long pamphlets to further his political career, but rather, were about things. 5-He traveled to SOuth America and Africa because he was interested in the places and people there. 6-His grandfather only allowed family members to speak Dutch at his house (oh well, Mitt Romney’s grandfather was a bigamist mexican who wore a sombrero- no one’s perfect)

  65. You can now walk loudly and carry a cannon in Yosemite and Yellwstone.

    Should be entertaining for park rangers who’ve never dealt with crackheads with .44 magnums.

  66. Okay, let me see if I’ve got this straight. Elections reflect the will of the people. But when the people who were elected to represent the people use government to curb the excesses of business that hurt the people, this is somehow not representing the people?
    tava tea

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