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Ron Paul Wins CPAC Straw Poll, Ha Ha

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PREPARE THE BLIMP!The only thing Republicans and teabaggers hate more than Barack Obama is, uh, every single Republican “front runner.” This became comedically clear again, last night, when the CPAC crowd chose Doctor Ron Paul as their 2012 GOP nominee for president. Paul got 31% of the vote, which means he literally performed an abortion murder on Mitt Romney, who usually wins these things because he’s such an asshole — Romney finished with 22%, proving once again that he can’t even get a fourth of the room to like him, even when that room is exclusively filled with Republicans.

But the “world’s biggest loser” of the night was truly our Alaskan Quitter Bear, the Facebook user Sarah Palin. Nobody likes her at all! She ended up with a patriotic “fuck you” of 7%, but at least that was better than unloved has-beens Pawlenty (6%) and Gingrich (4%) and Huckabee (4%). [USA Today]


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A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

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  • watershed

    And Rick Santorum voted for himself. (sad foghorn)

  • WagTehGod

    This is great news for John McCain.

  • Sharkey

    I just skimmed an article written by Susan Page, bleck, need to sanitize eyeballs immediately with bleach! If they had put her name at the top, I would have known to close the tab immediately.

  • sati demise

    Whats the dif between a furry Huckabee and the real Huckabee?

    Could you tell them apart at the McDonalds breakfast club.

  • S.Luggo

    Always stay with him what broughts you to the dance, Republicans.

  • Violenza

    Paving the way for 2012 when the great Doctor will practice his love with all the women of Amerikkka! If the blimp’s a’ rockin’…

  • Ohio Health

    Ron is definitely the wild card. He could literally knock out any Repub candidate with the votes he takes away.

  • Thesoundoffurry

    and that 7% represents realamericans© with retard babies.

  • The Lucky Wife

    So does that mean that Ron Paul had the longest straw?

  • rocktonsammy

    Trig doesn’t need to hear about this today.

  • artpepper

    Watching the GOP splinter is almost consolation for watching the Democrats somnambulate off a cliff.

  • EdFlinstone

    So the half-governor saw her support cut in half, sounds about right.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Wait — is this good news for idiots and bad news for racists, or the other way around?

  • jetjaguar

    “Ladies and gentlemen… we got em’.”

  • grevillea

    Gold! Ye’ll never find my pot o’ gold!

  • BarackMyWorld

    Everytime I worry about Barry getting re-elected, I take a look at these idiots and realize he’ll probably win in a landslide.

  • Mr. Me Too

    Now I’m no Paultard, but you just fucking know that if Mittens or the Grifter had won, the MSM would be bombarding us right now with bullshit hype stories all but swearing them in as President. I bet they were all set to do it, too, considering the slobbering attention they’ve given the conference all week.

  • betterDeadThanRed

    Thank you Ken for “SECRET SPY-NUMBERS MESSAGE”. I needed this laugh on a crappy working Sunday facing a crappy work week.

  • Escape Goat Nation

    Ron Paul only makes sense if you don’t actually think about what he’s saying for more than 5 seconds. So yeah, I can see why he won the vote.

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    “Romney finished with 22%, proving once again that he can’t even get a fourth of the room to like him, even when that room is exclusively filled with Republicans.”

    Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I’m not sure that if the room were full of Mormons, he could he even win ‘best Mormon ever’. I bet one of the Osmonds would kick his ass on that one. Poor Mittens…back to flying poor man coach & getting into fights with black rapper folk.

  • memzilla

    Lyin’ and Trig’s mom and Paultards, oh my!

  • Hooray For Anything

    Ah….Romney- always the bridesmaid, never any sort of likeable person.


    Now, I’m no Paultard but. Well, that’s good enough for me.

  • virgo47

    Paul got more CPAC “votes” than 4 others who the media can’t seem to shut up about…combined (Seriously who voted for Gingrich?). Shouldn’t that be enough to get the bastard on Fox on a regular basis?

  • betterDeadThanRed

    [re=516768]bondwooley[/re]: Actually they should all be exiled to South Carolina or North Dakota then Congress should rescind their statehood.

    (Apologies to any normal people who live in those states)

  • weejee

    Tying Newell to a housekeeping cart? What are you expecting to find in all those soggy towels and stained sheets — these are conservative jeebus-lovin’ folk.

    Oh! A little slow on the uptake.

  • Smoke Filled Roommate

    What do these results measure on Sister Sarah’s fakeoutrageometer?

  • Hooray For Anything

    [re=516774]virgo47[/re]: I think the only one’s who voted for Gingrich were the members of the press who attended the event as sucking Gingrich’s dick is one of DC’s favorite activities

  • thesheriffisnear

    [re=516764]BarackMyWorld[/re]: The Repukes will realize, about two years from now, that they don’t have a viable candidate. War “hero” Peaches Petraeus will retire, come home and accept a draft setting up a Licoln-v-McClellan-like showdown. You remember how that turned out? The only thing that can kill Barry is a live boy or a dead White woman. Or a live White woman.

  • Wanderlust

    Ron Paul is only 3 apples high. All we need at the debate is a basketball hoop. *shazam* Congress will repeal the term limits amendment and crown Hopey our new emperor 4 lyfe!

  • Scooter

    Though philosophically distant from Dubya, Ron Paul does fit the amiable dunce profile that Repug voters always find so appealing.

  • ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=516765]Mr. Me Too[/re]: Exxxxactly.

    Meanwhile, check the comments on this recent favorite and you’ll have a taste of what America is like these days: split between the snarky ones and the stupid ones who have guns.


  • Mad Brahms

    Not a terrible shock that the ideologues in the party would pick Paul, even if doesn’t have a snowballs chance in hell and Mittens will probably get a nod anyway. On the upside, the Grifter’s low numbers bring a smile to my face – hopefully this means our dear Snowbilly will have even more incentive to join her own Party of Tea (because let’s face it, at this point she pretty much thinks she’s destined to lead) and totally sabotage the GOP efforts in 2012.

  • BlueStateLibtard

    Meanwhile, Tom Friedman is in a pissy mood today in the NY Times. We are all a bunch of spoiled brats because we ate through our parents’/wife’s prosperity like a horde of locusts. “We, alas, in too many ways, have been what the writer Kurt Andersen called “The Grasshopper Generation,” eating through the prosperity that was bequeathed us like hungry locusts.” Yes, it was the LITTLE PEOPLE wanting things like food, a decent job and healthcare that ruined everything, that is what caused the economic crisis. Tom, go home to your vulgar new-money estate, no one takes this crap from you seriously anymore.

  • Crank Tango

    [re=516783]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: well, when we don’t like her we are being sexist and mean; but when CPAC wants to bang her but not elect her, that’s satire. I dunno if that helps or not.

  • Diana Davies

    [re=516779]weejee[/re]: I do feel sorry for the undocumented alien housekeepers who have to clean up all the Republican draining and santorum sheets.

  • ladymacbeth

    and now cap and trade is in jeopardy because of some snow?


    my (canadian) mom is right: we are ungovernable and we can’t have nice things.

  • El Pinche

    CPAC votes for a man who wipes human afterbirth on the old Stars and Stripes. Are there any paintings of him shittin in Reagan’s mouth?, might as well.

  • ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=516794]Mad Brahms[/re]: What needs to happen is an alignment of the Libertarian Party with Palin. They need to come to an understanding: if Tom at 538 is right and the teabagger crew is at its heart a Paultard thing, which is to say a halfwitted libertarian cocksmoker party, and the Libertarians want to be taken seriously as a third party, and if Palin can draw the teabaggers into the LP column, they’ll draft Palin to be Dear Leader. And it’ll work, and it’ll fuck the GOP a new hole. I love it.

  • hoosiermama

    [re=516791]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Which ones were the Wonkeratti? Thumbs up!

  • ManchuCandidate

    Hahaha he’s just pissed because his sugar mommy watched her mall company fortune disappear like so many subprime sugar grains in a rainstorm.

  • Potater

    Ronny Paul hates Ronny Raygun too much to ever be a viable candidate.

  • bondwooley

    [re=516775]betterDeadThanRed[/re]: That works for me!

  • Mad Brahms

    [re=516797]BlueStateLibtard[/re]: Do you think maybe he meant “the royal we”, as in, “I”? I mean, he does live in a house fit for a monarch, so maybe.

    “Eating through prosperity”, eh? Nice metaphor. What percentage of your income do you spend on food, as compared to, say, hedge funds, Tom? Hookers and blow? Get back to me and we’ll compare estimates.

    I hope we get a thread for this column. You just can’t possibly hate on the man enough.

  • ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=516803]hoosiermama[/re]: I got a few licks in there.

  • Hooray For Anything

    [re=516797]BlueStateLibtard[/re]: It’s true that the little people want food, a decent job and healthcare but they apparently want even more for rich people to have low taxes, there to be no government spending unless it involves them, and politicians to tell them that Jesus really loves the good ‘ole USA and hates gay commie elitists who live in New York/San Francisco. After all that, then the little people want food, a decent job, and healthcare. But only if it minorities don’t get them too

  • Bearbloke

    [re=516775]betterDeadThanRed[/re]: Since South Carolina will soon cease honouring n0bama’s filthy US muslin fasocialist paper fiat-money, all exiled Real’Merikins headed there should prepare to use their gold and silver fillings as negotiable currency…

  • SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    Do those numbers only add up to 74%, or am I missing something, and if they do add up to 74%, what happened witht he other 26%? Please tell me they went to Glenn Beck.

  • Serolf Divad

    I think I’m changing my registration to Republican so I can vote for Ron Paul in the primaries… not because I would ever want that man near the White House, mind you, but because a potent Ron Paul insurgency might just be the quickest way to destroy the GOP.

  • hoosiermama

    [re=516810]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: I prolly voted for your paw-swipes, then.

  • WadISay

    Haha, Tim Pawlenty bends himself over for CPAC and gets a measley 6% for it. Feeling cheap much, Tim? Here’s $2; go wash my car.

  • Mad Brahms

    [re=516812]Bearbloke[/re]: I actually sort of wish bills like this would pass, because the ensuing comedy would be completely priceless. Alas, there’s not a chance, so we’ll just have to hold on the mental image of South Carolinans hiking the Appalachian Trail with a backpack full of bullion.

  • The Lucky Wife

    [re=516775]betterDeadThanRed[/re]: Apology accepted. I live in South Carolina…sigh.

  • ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=516815]hoosiermama[/re]: thank you kindly. Really, I’d like to get the “CPAC laughs at threat of domestic terrorism” meme in circulation. It’s more fun if we kick a paultard in the nuts while we’re at it.

  • The Lucky Wife

    [re=516817]Mad Brahms[/re]: Just when I think that it can’t get any worse, another idiot SC politician embarrasses the state. By a strange coincidence, they are all Republicans.

  • southern mark smith

    [re=516800]ladymacbeth[/re]: I dunno. Charles “I’m an Asshole” Krauthammer has some opinions about people who think we’re ungovernable. Shorter Krauthammer: Reagan managed [sic], so why can’t Obama?

  • southern mark smith

    [re=516800]ladymacbeth[/re]: whoops. forgot the stupid link.

  • Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=516786]thesheriffisnear[/re]: Barack is half-white!

    I mean, I know, “one drop rules” mean he’s not white at all, but when have those applied, across regions, since 1970 or so? Most of us are mulatto or mestizo or otherwise mixed, now, anyway. Even the now-great-grannies on Milwaukee’s South Side, who were blocking the 27th Street Bridge with torches & pitchforks (when that Bad Catholic, Fr. Groppi, tried to lead the blacks from Africa to Poland), have seen their Polish Princess granddaughters shack-up with black, Mexican, & Laotian males… & barely grit their teeth when they see ’em.

  • Aurelio

    …and Huckabee (4%). Why is Huckabee down there with the Freeway Killer and Joe Stalin? What did he do that was so bad?

  • zhubajie

    Someone, please, do a survey of hookers (male and female) and drug dealers. How many of them serviced CPACers, and what did their customers tell them? Hookers know everything.

  • Sparky McGruff

    [re=516755]Thesoundoffurry[/re]: Close. That 7% represents Real Americans who are also retarded. And not in a South Boston “Hey, that’s so retaaaahded”, but actually “two standard deviations below the average IQ” retarded.

  • zhubajie

    [re=516826]Aurelio[/re]: He’s been known to say nice things about Bill Clinton!

  • Jumping Jim

    [re=516757]The Lucky Wife[/re]:

    No, just the biggest pole.
    It’s that sort of competition.

  • mumblyjoe

    [re=516812]Bearbloke[/re]: See, I love how conservatards like to say all day and night that they love the original constitution that our founders gave us, but holy shit did they ever not read the damn thing.

  • Mad Brahms

    [re=516759]artpepper[/re]: I just read back and found this. “Somnambulate off of a cliff” is probably the most apt description of this congress’ behavior I have yet heard.

    Sometimes, though, I wonder if they are sleep-running instead of sleep-walking.*

    * Friedman-esque metaphor alert!

  • BarackMyWorld

    [re=516814]Serolf Divad[/re]: That’s a fine idea. It’ll be like Rush’s Operation: Chaos, except without the back-pedaling and changing the rules as we go along.

  • Mad Brahms

    [re=516842]mumblyjoe[/re]: The defense is great, too. “We love and honor the constitution. But so long as Washington is going to shit on it, we will too! That’s how much we love FREEDOM!”

  • mercure

    [re=516768]bondwooley[/re]: Speaking for my countrymen and women, we would interpret any attempt to do so as an unconditional declaration of war.

  • sati demise

    [re=516849]mercure[/re]: congratulations poster #69!

  • boatapple

    [re=516823]southern mark smith[/re]: Hey, I just clicked the clicky, and… well, in para 7 he seems to call Tom Friedman a Retard! Awkward.

    I think Friedman should challenge Krauthammer to a round of golf & settle it that way.

  • Bearbloke

    [re=516842]mumblyjoe[/re]: The only read the parts that talk about Jesus…

    [re=516817]Mad Brahms[/re]: Do you think South Carolina’s Rep. Joe “Yew Lie” Wilson will give back any of this tainted Nigg Socialist Muslin Stim-U-Luus munnies? Will any of the 100+ other hypocritical ReThuglicasn pus-bags give it back, since it’s all just another of ACORN’s George-Soros-funded Antichrist plots to ENSLAVE the White Patriotic people of Real American for their Fascist Commie One-Worlder Illegal Alien Death-panel gay-marrying satanic Kenyan Voodoo gun-grabbing cap and trade UN black helicopter Illuminati orgies?

  • assistant/atlas

    [re=516755]Thesoundoffurry[/re]: I would’ve thought more Republicans had retard babies. Maybe they just didn’t go to CPAC.

  • Mad Brahms

    [re=516852]Bearbloke[/re]: I doubt it! But if there’s one thing that Cartoon Violence taught us this week, it’s that “stimulus” means “stimulus”, if you know what I mean (hint: anal.)

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Pawlenty must be wondering who he has to smack with a nine iron to get noticed.

  • Birdcrash

    Vile republican morons.

  • zhubajie

    When Ron Paul is your most rational candidate, you’re in deep trouble.

  • thesheriffisnear

    [re=516825]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]: Tongue planted firmly in cheek. Remember I’m, uh, “near.”

  • zhubajie

    [re=516822]southern mark smith[/re]: Reagan was active 30 years ago, before the country had been screwed,blued and tatooed by Reaganomics!

  • zhubajie

    [re=516797]BlueStateLibtard[/re]: Any chance will be selling chewing gum to passing motorists anytime soon ?

  • hoosiermama

    [re=516819]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: The disconnect for the Choco-PACers may be too deep for that, but I’ll certainly pitch in on that meme. The Dark Side is strong among them…

  • southern mark smith

    [re=516851]boatapple[/re]: Either a retard, which would be accurate, or or one of our “better thinkers”, which would be less accurate. The golf game should be played on the roof of the Friedman Estate, which is (it is hoped) non ADA-compliant.

    [re=516866]zhubajie[/re]: If Reagan was more nearsighted than others, it was because he was standing beneath the crotches of giants?

  • Gun-toting Progressive

    [re=516791]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: What about the snarky ones who have guns? Where do we fit in?

  • PsycGirl

    [re=516842]mumblyjoe[/re]: I think the Onion says it best.

  • ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=516870]Gun-toting Progressive[/re]: I’m a gun owner. I also take a shit in the morning. Both are rather uninteresting facts about me.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=516823]southern mark smith[/re]: I read that in yesterday’s paper. My first thought was, “Geez, looks like somebody’s bag of dicks didn’t agree with them last night.”

  • Darkness

    [re=516813]SlouchingTowardsWasilla[/re]: Bradford’s Law (a buttload of people voted alone for some random name, or incomprehensibly misspelled Ron Paul, possibly)
    [re=516791]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: split between the snarky ones and the stupid ones who have guns.
    And a few confused ones who get really pissed off about not getting tenure?

  • The Silver Fox

    Well since the Very Serious People from WaPo and Morning Joe have been telling us that America is a Center-Right country, I’m sure the numbers from this straw poll aren’t too far off. Ron Paul – 31%. Barack Obama’s approval rating – 2%? Oh wait never mind.

  • kentuckienne2

    Given that you’re not even supposed to let the U.S. flag touch the ground, isn’t it a bit disrespectful to wrap the newborn baby of Liberty in it? Given that they’re basically projectile vomiting balls of poop and pee?

  • artbot2000

    Are those hair plugs on top of the Grover Norquist noggin? And is he trying to grow a beard? Words fail me.

  • alzronnie

    It’s time to dig up Ronald Reagan and put him back to work. Scientists have worked out the technology with guys like Strom Thurmond and Byrd. Turning RR out in zombie form would provide the leadership that is so badly needed in the GOP.

  • libwakman

    Too bad the love-hump-suck scene in the Bruno film featuring Ronnie Paulsey was cut. The filthy minded Cpackin’ crowd would have crowned him queen of the world right out of the box.

  • ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=516901]Darkness[/re]: I’m in that last category of those wandering in the bardo of confused tenure review.

  • S.Luggo

    An Amero a day keeps the doctor in play. Thank you, Paulistas, for turning CPAC into a clusterfuck.

  • dr.giraud

    Ron Paul’s first triumph of 2012! This will be followed a series of CRUSHING wins in assorted Internet polls that will PROVE his can be elected. Then he’ll finish below Huckerbee in Iowa (at least Huck can be counted on to guzzle a gallon of corn syrup a day, gotta respect that in farm country) which will be the first of a series of spectacular losses in actual primaries. And the blimp will sag, and the Paultards will slither back to their basements to see if there’s one bong hit left. The end.

  • Zorg

    Sarah got beaten like a rented mule by Ron Paul at CPAC. I think we can all breath easier now.

  • Wingnutia

    [re=516791]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Hmmm….I’m seeing some Wonketter influence making it’s way to the youtubes…lmao@whoever posted that “Needs MOAR TRUCKNUTZ!” hzzzah! I’d love to read your views on life, libery and the pursuit of NASCAR, sister-sex and Truck Nutz (The GOP Platform, essentially).

  • truthBetold2012

    wow, I’ve never seen so much hate and ridicule for a statesman who truly deserves some respect.Ron Paul does not pander to special interest groups and is grounded in true conservative principles that breaks through the barriors of our partisan, left/right political system. As Dems and Reps continue to argue amongst themselves, and nothing gets done, we should focus our attention on what the role of gov’t should be. The U.S. Constitution is pretty clear as well as the founders of this nation. Personal liberty, sound money, limited Fed. gov’t, non-interventionist foreign policy, and capitalist system that is free from cronyism and gov’t interference. This is the direction the real Tea Party wants and freedom lovers everywhere want. From the comments I’ve read, you all hate Republicans and neo-cons so much that you would disagree with them for the sake of disagreeing. This is not going to help bring ou country together. It’s no wonder why this country is falling apart economically. We’ve forgotten what true freedom really is, and the more power we extend to the our leaders, the more they will abuse it and use it to justify unconstitutional legislation like the Patriot Act. Point being, that both parties have sold out to special interests and crooked global corporations. Forget all this political party bullsh!t. It’s time to come together as Americans, and although we’ll have some disagreements, we’ll respect each other enough that will work through them together. But first, we need to stop listening to the shills in T.V. and Radio like Hannity, Beck, Limbaugh, , and thos in Fox, CNN, Air America. Ron Paul may not be the perfect candidate, but he offers a lot to people of different political persuations, and he should not be discounted from “mainstream politics.” campaignforliberty.com