If you’re of a Certain Age (“not ancient” yet “not young”), you may recall this guy Alexander Haig because he ran around yelling “I am in control here!” and “Fuck the Pope!” after Ronald Reagan was shot in 1981. Or, you may not. Most people who grew up in the 1980s don’t remember anything beyond the band Journey and how Boy George “looked like a fuckin’ fag.” Ha ha, life seemed pretty bad back then, didn’t it? Uh, anyway, this guy Alexander Haig died.
He was one of America’s Great Leaders in the war against Vietnam, even though nobody has ever figured out what Vietnam did to America. (Nothing at all, actually, hahahah.)
Then, Haig was some insider at the Nixon White House, which was a real motherfucking temple of Democracy and Decorum at the time. And then, Haig was running around shouting to the teevee cameras about how he was IN CONTROL of America, after a nut shot Reagan.
Oh god, this country. It just goes on and on, in its sad toilet-swirl way. ALSO: The British are not loving America enough, by putting “Great American” in scare quotes before the name of this guy who died. [BBC NEWS]
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Vietnam kicked our ass. Sorry soldier-heros. But they did.
Ah yes, Al Haig and the Seven White House Volkswagens: Haldeman, Erlichman, Kissinger, and the rest of the Germanically named advisors working for Nixxon.
Al Haig was most likely part of the policy team which considered nuking North Vietnam: http://www.gwu.edu/~nsarchiv/NSAEBB/NSAEBB195/index.htm .
(Hah hah, no Google results for “Seven White House Volkswagens.” Nice scrub job, G. Gordon!)
[re=516692]NYNYNY[/re]: They kicked our ass because they were willing to fight for a hundred years and they knew we weren’t.
They got a warm-up fighting the Chinese for a millenia or so. No fair.
Like Ethan Hawke, they didn’t save anything for the swim back.
Yes. Just like Ethan Hawke.
Maybe they were not so much “willing” to fight forever; they didn’t really have anywhere else to go…
Actually, Haig was just following one of the double secret sections of the Constitution, the demands that someone step forward and prevent a Bush from ever actually ruling the country. Dick Cheney of course did this the best. And Dan Quayle’s failure to keep Bush Sr. distracted led to Bill Clinton and the near destruction of the U.S. as demanded by Saul Alisnky in his seminal book Whoops! Socialism. If you had listen to Glen Beck, you would know this by now.
When you cross insatiable greed with a poor understanding of the U.S. Constitution and the actual legal framework of the U.S. Government, you get Alexander Haig – and pretty much every other Republican.
RIH
I still can’t comprehend the legality of making an active duty 4-star general White House Chief of Staff.
Yeah, I know, Nixon Administration and legality? Crazy thoughts.
Not ancient not young, that’s me. The Soldier is me respects Haig’s combat record. The progressive in me hates everything else. Haig’s most notable achievement was that he kept a spiralling Nixon from pushing the button in the final days. Of course he’ll have to answer for serving as Kissinger’s aid. Ah yes, Kissinger. As he see’s ‘em all pass he becomes increasingly aware of HIS fate. They’ll leave a light on for you Henry.
Little known fact: Al Haig played keyboards on the 1981 Journey hit, “Who’s Cryin Now?” after Jonathan Cain injured his left wrist trying to get a high score on “Defender.”
[re=516692]NYNYNY[/re]: War reparations? Ceding all domestic rights to establishment of savory noodle soup restaurant/nail salon binaries, for all time.
And allowing Italian/French designer knock-offs to flood the apparel market, also.
[re=516705]thesheriffisnear[/re]: Oh rest assured, our Dr. Heinrich shall outlive us all. The Greeks (or maybe just my mother?) have a saying, basically goes like: “It’s always the stupid evil dog who manages to live for-fucking-ever, while your loyal cocker spaniel will probably get hit my a bus or shot by Albanians tomorrow.” It is true.
Like, you know Colonel Pattakos, one of the big-tree 1967 Junta retards? In 1990 they canceled his life sentence and let him out of prison, for health reasons. 2010, he’s still alive, and about 102, and he regularly goes on wingnutty Greek tee-vee stations to update everyone on the progress of the march of the International Communism. No, really.
Kissinger is going to die someday, maybe, but Henry’s going to die at home, of natural causes, in his own bed. Unlike all the people he murdered, etc.
Part of my brain is reminding me not to talk ill of the dead. Another part is suggesting that if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. The vast majority of my brain, however, is suggesting that this man was involved directly in some very dark parts of our history and that its hard to mourn him. I’m sure he was nice to his pets or something, though.
That’s just not fair — we did not fight a war against Vietnam. We fought for the people of Vietnam, just like we fight for the people of Iraq and Afghanistan, by killing them.
Due to scare quotes, we must now fight for the British people.
[re=516703]gurukalehuru[/re]: Best definition of a Republican I’ve ever read. Bravo!
So another martinet freakazoid bites the dust. Roast in Hell, fuckface.
Nice summary, Ken.
I’m of that age, and I’m lucky to remember to put on my pants in the morning. I blame it on my kids, though.
While I have some memories of Reagan getting shot, I remember when Buckwheat was shot much more vividly.
Hung out with Dougie MacArthur as a young ossifer
Praised military retard Ned “Dumbass” Almond (when most military historians do NOT)–google Frozen Chosin
Got a lot of medals as a staff flunky in Korea unlike most line grunts who faced far worse and did much much more
Didn’t serve in a line unit till ‘Nam
Ran a battalion in ‘Nam and got the DSC where the descriptor basically says that Al Haig was Rambo and single handed killed almost 600 Vietnamese (if I got my Westmoreland “new” math right it’s divide the number by 3 and subtract 100 and you got the real number of dead.)
Spent most of the rest of his time playing with the powerful
Seems more like the epitome of the ticket punching careerist to me.
[re=516710]boatapple[/re]: Sadly, when Kissinger *does* finally go down, we will still be left waiting for Dick Cheney and John Yoo and Karl Rove and all those other assholes to die, hopefully in prison in the Hague.
Ah the 1980′s
Just thinking back on them makes me want to burst into song:
Sun beats down on a brand new day
No more welfare tax to pay..
There’s a factory somewhere that cranks out arrogant, clueless, feckless, militaristic assholes like Al Haig and Don Rumsfeld. And if there were ever a factory that needed bombing, that’s the one.
You forgot how he said the El Salvador death squad raped and murdered the nuns because the nuns shot first. That was Al’s finest hour.
And let’s not forget how utterly useless he was in getting Argentina off the Falklands. I guess he had too much experience going along and getting along with right wing dickheads to actually stand up to them and tell the truth: The Brits are coming to kick your ass.
[re=516715]NJB[/re]: That sums it up very nicely. I was trying to think of something good to say about the dead, other than “Alexander Haig is dead; good!” but nothing came to mind.
[re=516717]Sparky McGruff[/re]: ah nub nu!
And jebus that reminds me…I was fucking ECSTATIC when Reagan got shot. And I was like ten. Now I can’t imagine whose assassination would fill me with so much joy, but I am guessing Karl Rove.
I’m ‘really sad’ about this ‘man’, Alexander ‘Ovechkin’ Haig, ‘dying’. Oh poop, I don’t know what to ‘do’ with ‘myself’!
I remember his confirmation as Secretary of State when he basically told the congress “Yeah, I love the idea of making war and killing people, what of it?”
And then the bastards confirmed him.
Why did I always get him and Kissinger mixed up?
You knew he wasn’t much when Ronnie “Second stage Alzheimer in 1980″ Reagan cleaned his clock in a primry campaign debate.
Current Republicans make both of them look like geniuses, I gotta say.
It’s my personal feeling that Kissinger died in 1975, and the person we now think of as Kissinger is a heavily made up Danny DeVito, trying to pick up a few bucks and get laid.
[re=516726]Crank Tango[/re]: Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney. In my mind, he’s why Dylan wrote “Masters of War.”
[re=516692]NYNYNY[/re]: Meh. We lost more guys in a couple of months in 1863 than we did in the entire Vietnam War. Meanwhile, we killed, like, 2-3 million Vietnamese. They annoyed us enough that we said, “FINE, we’re leaving!” but they didn’t exactly kick our ass. The South Vietnamese had no excuse for losing to the North after we left; they had just as many guys and more stuff.
[re=516729]June Cleaver 2.0[/re]: Just think of Dr. Strangelove when you (if you must) think of Kissinger.
http://pittsburgh.metblogs.com/archives/images/2007/05/strangelove.jpg
Never thought those 1980s douchebags would look good in hindsight but the mental midgets running their party today make them look like Einsteins.
Stop, Claw-Hammer Time
plus also moreover, Liberal Hollywood Elite loses one of its own:
http://www.eturbonews.com/12254/general-haig-resigns-mgm-mirage-board-directors
Ken, you forgot to mention the most important part of this article, to wit: Ronald Reagan = STILL DEAD. Take that, CPAC tards.
[re=516711]Terry[/re]: That sums it up nicely.
[re=516733]Lazy Media[/re]: The South lost after we left because half their population was working for the North in one capacity or another. (I simplify but only a little)
I would just like to give a shout out to my friend’s former band: The Haig Administration
Haha, last night I looked him up on Wikipedia, and it talked about how he helped Nixon tap the phones of the opposition and other politicians to “find leaks”. Today, however, no such reference. His page got a nice clean-up job by whoever.
[re=516717]Sparky McGruff[/re]: Speaking of Buckwheat: The West Hollywood Branch of the LA County Library on Feb. 17 featured his new bio, written by his son (with a ghost, of course). The blurb described him as “father, actor, soldier.” Buckwheat (Billie Thomas, Jr.) was in the US Army in the early 1950s.
I haven’t read it, but I wonder if the book covered his post-Army, bitter expat years in Paris. When he performed under the name “Crepe,” and hung out with the younger generation of post-WWII American writers.
Rumor has it that Truman Capote knew him, and that the original title of the Tru’s breakthrough work was “Breakfast at Tiffany’s: Make Mine Buckwheat Cakes!”
The editor reportedly shortened the title, and cut all the “butter and Mrs. Butterworth’s” sex scenes.
The World wasn’t ready. But what a loss to American Fiction.
And speaking of American Fiction: America didn’t “lose Vietnam.” “They” won it, by using better tactics; knowing what they wanted; and knowing why they were doing it.
History shows that Americans, outside of movies, don’t wage war very well. If we can’t bury our opponents under a massive of standoff firepower, we usually lose. And very often against a numerically inferior force.
Ah, Alexander Haig. That was back when I seriously thought the Republicans were going to trigger WWIII. Now they’re just destroying the country one fucking retard at a time.
I knew Don Rumsfeld. He was no Don Rumsfeld.
[re=516693]memzilla[/re]:
And with the A.H.letters in his name.Also.
Al Haig was always what Fred Willard would have been, if instead of being a comic had gone into the military and become a warrior.
Haig did indeed accomplish some positive things. Of course, all that is lost when all you can think of is the “I’m in charge” comment.
Alexander M. Haig was a great man though a product of his times: The coldest of Cold Warriors, a pretty hot Hot Warrior in Korea, stalwart defender of the Truman’s Order of Presidential Succession, inventor of ragtime piano, Kissinger’s right-hand man and one of politics best bowlers in the post-war period.
And before you fucksticks besmirch his reputation further just think about it for a moment, if he’d shut down H.W. in ’88 we might not have ever heard of W. beyond some Texas DUIs. Haig described himself during ’88 primaries as ‘a very dark horse’, what a shame he didn’t gain the nomination…
[re=516694]memzilla[/re]: Someone say “Afghanistan” ?
Why?
Why God?
Why Al Haig?
and not Dick Cheney?
[re=516710]boatapple[/re]: I’m certain Herr Doktor will live a long life. But no one, not even that miserable bastard, can live forever. And, when he meets his fate-whether its 1,5 10 or 20 years from now- the laws of Karma say its gonna be most awful. An old National Lampoon article “Roy Cohn in Hell” imagined an eternal damnation tailored-made for an evil elite.
J.Edgar Hoover and Joe McCarthy, for example, shoveled shit in perpetuity. Well be assured that a similar fate awaits our Henry. I predict battalion-sized elements of Vietnamese will torch him with napalm for eternity. NGUYEN!!!
[re=516718]ManchuCandidate[/re]: You obviously know how the game is played. The biggest ticket-puncher of all-time was everyone’s hero Colin Powell. There are privates, just out of basic training with more combat time than “America’s General.” That said, I know Haig was a staff puke for most of his career, the McArthur/Almond axis being particularly inept; yes, I read Halberstam’s book. But, he did do combat time and anyone who puts his ass on the line with bullets whizzing around deserves my respect. For THAT. I suspect that, when he meets his maker, he has some ‘splainin’ to do.
Maybe Reagan was a beard for Haig and the Iron Lady and that’s why “great” is in quotes. Enquiring minds want to know.
[re=516702]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Why did the rest of us even bother? WIN.
[re=516710]boatapple[/re]: “… he regularly goes on wingnutty Greek tee-vee stations to update everyone on the progress of the march of the International Communism” where he is interviewed by a woman dressed in full Ivana Trump. Love that Greek TV.
[re=516778]An Outhouse[/re]: Why Al Haig and not Dick Cheney? She thinks Cheney is hilarious.
[re=516778]An Outhouse[/re]: Dick Cheney is like Mr. Burns and will live forever. “All I really needed was the blood of a young boy.”
[re=516782]Barrett808[/re]: Can you imagine the eternal fate that awaits Cheeney? If there really is a Flying Spaghetti Monster, Cheeney better hope there isn’t. Jes sayin’
[re=516784]thesheriffisnear[/re]: I can only hope that “wriggling” and “excrement” weigh heavily in his reward.
Wait a minute, reagan’s dead? When did that happen and why are republicans trying to talk him into running against hopey?
[re=516793]knobwurst[/re]: I’m tellin’ ya, Reagan’s been reanimated to run with Palin, Undead and Braindead 2012. And the funny thing is they might just win…
[re=516782]Barrett808[/re]: Nah. Dick “Vlad Tepes” Cheney shuffled off this mortal coil long ago. He only emerges for victims.
Everyone knows we could have beat Ho Chi Minh if it weren’t for those crafty hippies. Damn you Joan Baez.
Seems like a good time for a commemorative Blingee:
http://blingee.com/blingee/view/107818507-Haingh-?offset=0&owner=lapplezxmas
[re=516705]thesheriffisnear[/re]: A hot, reddish, sulfurous light for Kissinger, no doubt…
My Senior-Bear was Active-Duty for ‘Er Majesty the day Poppy Bush tried to have Reagan assassinated, and when Reich-General Haig made his infamous “I am in control here” edict from the White House Throne Room, my Senior-Bear and the other senior officers were pulled into a meeting where they were told that both ANZAC PMs and Navy HQs were watching things very carefully, and they should keep alert for “unusual activities or communications from the Americans, and also the Soviets”… my Senior-Bear says this was the day one of his Navy-mates told him to begin planning his retirement from HM’s navy, to “get away from that mad lot in America”…
[re=516707]Serolf Divad[/re]: Defender gave me one of the worst blisters of my life that day when I was at some kid’s bar mitzvah and there was a free Defenders game at the party.
Alexander Haig was a big lush. I never saw him on the teevee when he wasn’t sloshed.
BBC, why are you cock-blocking the Economist? They were not only going to give Alexander Haig the back-page obit, but a cover mention, too.
Now, it’ll look like Haig’s your sloppy seconds, & that paper of record will have your liberal fascist, government-funded journo jizm all over their God-fearing Randiness.
All this talk of Kissinger dying is making me dread the horrible tributes to him that will undoubtedly run in the New York Times, the Washington Post, and elsewhere. ‘Intellectual statesman’, ‘bete noir of radicals’, etc.
[re=516827]Aurelio[/re]: Yes, he was the John Bohner of his age.
I played in a band at a hotel party for him when he was considering running for President. We were hoping to hear a few shouts of “I’m in control here!” but it was a very subdued affair.
[re=516754]Ohio Health[/re]: I think he gets a bit of a bad break here. I heard the original comment by Haig when it happened and I said to myself, no dumbass the VP is in charge.But think who was the President – Reagan. Most of the everyday decisions were probably made by Haig and others. Reagan did not have Bill Clinton’s desire to have a hand in everything (well Saturday Night Live thought he did, but they were the only ones, hah, hah).
So Haig probably was in charge. He also said something within that conversation that anything important he would consult with the VP.
I’m not defending him, I just think that he was ina very stressful moment and didn’t communicate his thoughts appropriately. And he probably already ran the White House ona daily basis.
[re=516836]slavojzizek[/re]: Yeah well, fuck them in advance.
[re=516840]Jumping Jim[/re]: Haig was a warmongering Nixonite. He gets no good breaks. That’s all.
[re=516840]Jumping Jim[/re]: So Haig was the one co-founding Al Qaeda while the gipper was out feeding the squirrels?
Are we absolutely sure he’s dead? Because I fucking hate zombies.
[re=516840]Jumping Jim[/re]: So in not communicating his thoughts effectively, was it merely a terminological inexactitude on Haig’s part?
[re=516707]Serolf Divad[/re]: The only problem with your post is how old I have to be to find it so damn funny.
I stopped… believin’ and now George looks like my granny after all that chemo. Radical dude.
And Frank Reynolds screams from the grave…”Lets GET THIS STUFF NAILED DOWN AROUND HERE!” after he mistakenly thought he was still alive.
Any of you Olds just get a journalist hard on?
[re=516733]Lazy Media[/re]: They did have one excuse–they didn’t want to fight, didn’t feel motivated to fight, and the ARVN was lame from day one, as John Paul Vann noticed to his disgust. The South Vietnam “government” was just another corrupt kleptocracy that the Army and State Department propped up, like just about every other U.S. “ally” that wasn’t in NATO, and some (Greece) that were. Al Haig was central to this effort, hooray!
It was worth it for Al, to double down on the bravado and claim he was king, or Lord Protector, or whatever, because for that one night he was hotter than Donald Rumsfeld ca. 9/12/01 and I’m pretty sure he got to nail Ally Sheedy.
Al Haig was no Al Green.
A TOP-SECRET behind the scenes insider informed me (after the passing of the great general) that when the Haigmeister was on camera in the Ovary Office shouting “I’m in fucking control now”, he was secretly getting his nutzsack worked over by a Vietnamese peasant girl kneeling under the desk whose family Haigish personally deleted from the game as was the code-talk approved by King Nixon.
As was pointed out elsewhere (not wonkette) Al Haig was very understanding of the Salvadoran soldiers who raped and murdered those nuns back in December 1980.
[re=516704]BarackMyWorld[/re]: well I guess he was technically a 4-star general, but I had always heard he didn’t exactly learn most of those stars the good old-fashioned way: He only earned a star or 2—–when Dick took a shine to him & wanted to move him into the admin, the protocol called for someone with a higher rank so Dick basically gave him the extra stars in a crackerjack box.
FYI< he resigned his commission to work for Reagan….. and really, he’s not the first general to get political stars. That said, off to the pit for him! Better to reign in hell than serve in heaven – and He’s in Charge!!!
[re=516771]plowman[/re]: I worked for a little thing we used to call a “local newspaper” during the ’88 campaign, and got to cover an appearance by Mr. Haig. My strongest memory is that you could actually feel the intensity radiating off the guy – his eyes, his tone of voice, the body language and the actual stuff he was saying. It was scary and impressive all at once, which I suppose is the whole point. I could easily see him being a master of bulldozer rationalization of the atrocity du jour….but I also got the sense that he was, in fact, an intelligent person in a way that so many of today’s crop of wannabe leaders just aren’t.
What a shitstain.
Will Wonkette be publishing a Google Map link to his grave so I can visit and piss all over it?
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