By the Comics Curmudgeon
Did you ever see one of those romantic comedies where the two principals just straight up frickin’ loathe each other, and try to undermine and destroy one another, but then, in the stunning turnaround that generally happens at the end of Act I or thereabouts, it turns out that all that animosity is just a cover for the fact that secretly they want to bone? Oh, you have seen that, because it’s the plot of virtually every romantic comedy ever? Well, since all life follows the formulas laid out by our entertainment industry, what do you think that says about the partisan gridlock in Washington? (ANSWER: IT MEANS THEY WANT TO DO SEX WITH EACH OTHER, ALL THE TIME.)
Click each cartoon to get a closer look at the gayness!
Here’s how it used to go, if you wanted to fuck a male GOP politician and you were a dude: you’d show up at his front door and be all like “Hey [redacted to prevent lawsuit] [but between you and me it’s totally Charlie Crist], I’m here all dressed up patriotically and with that money you wanted, for sex, just like you asked,” and then the politician would say “WHAT? HOW DARE YOU IMPUGN MY HETEROSEXUALITY” but then through an elaborate series of hand gestures and stage whispers, you’d be directed to go over to the back door, and then enter through that back door. (Get it? Because of anal.) It was all very sordid and shameful, because of the lying and the hiding, but people just assumed that that was the only way it would work!
But then Barack Obama got elected, and it was totally hope and change time for everybody! The new president declared that under his administration, the most transparent in history, his gay lovers would just come right up to the door of the Oval Office! Naturally, there’d be a certain amount of bureaucracy involved; his boyfriends would have to sign in, be checked against an approved list by security, and, it goes without saying, be given a thorough check-over for sexually transmitted infections by a trained medical professional. Only after six to eight weeks had passed to allow time for their tests to be processed would they be allowed to fuck the president.
Now, a certain amount of institutional structure is necessary to bring any kind of formerly extralegal practice into the mainstream, but it does result in a certain delay, which is frustrating to a president ready for action — and the long wait took its toll on the president. Here, we can see that he’s trying to work, making important decisions about running the free world and all, but can think of nothing but hot gay sex. Cocks … cocks … cocks with the faces of the dudes with whom I want to get busy … hey, what if I just made dildos with dudes’ faces on them? Then I wouldn’t have go through all this waiting! I could just clean ’em off in the dishwasher! I’ll order an eight-pack. Barack, you’re a genius!
And once all the medical paperwork cleared, the sex turned out to be less than fantastic anyway. I’m all for roleplay, the president thought, but angry slacker/harried mom? That’s … that’s kind of messed up. And not in a sexy, erotically charged way. It’s just icky and gross. Also, this outfit? Not flattering. Not flattering at all. Emphasizes the gut. Why couldn’t he have brought over a nice little French maid’s outfit? That would have been much more appropriate. Damn it, forget this guy, where are my dildos?
Yes, it seems that when it comes to sex, Americans will never quite get it right — unlike those sexy Europeans, who have a healthy, relaxed attitude about it. Here we see the aftermath of a European “Greek” (i.e., buttsex) party. A crazy, madcap evening of Greek love sure has left a big mess for the cleaning service to deal with! Piles of sex-stained broken crockery everywhere. And if you don’t understand how a gay sex party can result in a bunch of shattered plates, well, it’s more proof that you’re just an uptight American prude, my friend.
But what of the straights? Here we see former president and notorious heterosexual Bill Clinton. He’s in the hospital because he’s having some heart problems. But he’s feeling better because he’s gotten some flowers from someone named “Monica”. Get it? Get it? Because Bill Clinton had a sex affair with Monica Lewinsky, in 1998! 1998, for those of you who might have some difficulty with the math, was 12 whole years before this cartoon was published in major newspapers.
In other news, some jokester has drawn a fetus on Joe Biden’s forehead. Shh, don’t tell him! We’ll see if he’ll walk around with it all day! Hee hee!