CARTOON VIOLENCE  12:32 pm February 19, 2010

Gayest Cartoon Violence Ever

by Josh Fruhlinger

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Did you ever see one of those romantic comedies where the two principals just straight up frickin’ loathe each other, and try to undermine and destroy one another, but then, in the stunning turnaround that generally happens at the end of Act I or thereabouts, it turns out that all that animosity is just a cover for the fact that secretly they want to bone? Oh, you have seen that, because it’s the plot of virtually every romantic comedy ever? Well, since all life follows the formulas laid out by our entertainment industry, what do you think that says about the partisan gridlock in Washington? (ANSWER: IT MEANS THEY WANT TO DO SEX WITH EACH OTHER, ALL THE TIME.)

Click each cartoon to get a closer look at the gayness!

Here’s how it used to go, if you wanted to fuck a male GOP politician and you were a dude: you’d show up at his front door and be all like “Hey [redacted to prevent lawsuit] [but between you and me it's totally Charlie Crist], I’m here all dressed up patriotically and with that money you wanted, for sex, just like you asked,” and then the politician would say “WHAT? HOW DARE YOU IMPUGN MY HETEROSEXUALITY” but then through an elaborate series of hand gestures and stage whispers, you’d be directed to go over to the back door, and then enter through that back door. (Get it? Because of anal.) It was all very sordid and shameful, because of the lying and the hiding, but people just assumed that that was the only way it would work!

But then Barack Obama got elected, and it was totally hope and change time for everybody! The new president declared that under his administration, the most transparent in history, his gay lovers would just come right up to the door of the Oval Office! Naturally, there’d be a certain amount of bureaucracy involved; his boyfriends would have to sign in, be checked against an approved list by security, and, it goes without saying, be given a thorough check-over for sexually transmitted infections by a trained medical professional. Only after six to eight weeks had passed to allow time for their tests to be processed would they be allowed to fuck the president.

Now, a certain amount of institutional structure is necessary to bring any kind of formerly extralegal practice into the mainstream, but it does result in a certain delay, which is frustrating to a president ready for action — and the long wait took its toll on the president. Here, we can see that he’s trying to work, making important decisions about running the free world and all, but can think of nothing but hot gay sex. Cocks … cocks … cocks with the faces of the dudes with whom I want to get busy … hey, what if I just made dildos with dudes’ faces on them? Then I wouldn’t have go through all this waiting! I could just clean ‘em off in the dishwasher! I’ll order an eight-pack. Barack, you’re a genius!

And once all the medical paperwork cleared, the sex turned out to be less than fantastic anyway. I’m all for roleplay, the president thought, but angry slacker/harried mom? That’s … that’s kind of messed up. And not in a sexy, erotically charged way. It’s just icky and gross. Also, this outfit? Not flattering. Not flattering at all. Emphasizes the gut. Why couldn’t he have brought over a nice little French maid’s outfit? That would have been much more appropriate. Damn it, forget this guy, where are my dildos?

Yes, it seems that when it comes to sex, Americans will never quite get it right — unlike those sexy Europeans, who have a healthy, relaxed attitude about it. Here we see the aftermath of a European “Greek” (i.e., buttsex) party. A crazy, madcap evening of Greek love sure has left a big mess for the cleaning service to deal with! Piles of sex-stained broken crockery everywhere. And if you don’t understand how a gay sex party can result in a bunch of shattered plates, well, it’s more proof that you’re just an uptight American prude, my friend.

But what of the straights? Here we see former president and notorious heterosexual Bill Clinton. He’s in the hospital because he’s having some heart problems. But he’s feeling better because he’s gotten some flowers from someone named “Monica”. Get it? Get it? Because Bill Clinton had a sex affair with Monica Lewinsky, in 1998! 1998, for those of you who might have some difficulty with the math, was 12 whole years before this cartoon was published in major newspapers.

In other news, some jokester has drawn a fetus on Joe Biden’s forehead. Shh, don’t tell him! We’ll see if he’ll walk around with it all day! Hee hee!

 
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{ 50 comments }

proudgrampa February 19, 2010 at 12:50 pm

Jesus. That thing of Biden looks more like the alien from Predator.

bago February 19, 2010 at 12:53 pm

[re=516067]proudgrampa[/re]: Not the alien from Alien?

V572625694 February 19, 2010 at 12:56 pm

[re=516067]proudgrampa[/re]: Well whaddya expect? If Biden says a woman has a right to choice, it’s as if he’s a baby-killing monster himself. It’s a wonder Ratzi hasn’t excommunicated him.

gurukalehuru February 19, 2010 at 12:58 pm

The guy who drew the Biden cartoon is seriously in the wrong profession. He doesn’t have a point to make and he can’t draw. On the other hand, I think I like this Ben Sargent guy.

JMP February 19, 2010 at 12:59 pm

Can someone tell me if Mr./Ms. Stayskal is a Democrat or a Republican? That cartoon has multiple interpretations; it could be making fun of congressional Republicans, who are all infected with nasty diseases, or it could be making fun of Obama in some way; I can’t tell.

Was the Clinton cartoon by Jay Leno?

The Ramirez cartoon, for once, requires the over-labeling, because that grotesque thing he drew looks nothing at all like Biden. And hey, it’s obvious he’s trying to make some sort of anti-choice comment, but I don’t know what it is; and I went to Catholic school for 13 years. Most non-Catholic readers will be completely confused, as they only know Ash Wednesday as when a bunch of people walk around with shit on their foreheads and for some reason act weird if you try to be polite and tell them.

Gunner February 19, 2010 at 1:03 pm

Thank god for the “BIDEN” label because that is one crap drawing.

Naked Bunny with a Whip February 19, 2010 at 1:06 pm

Is it really that hard to find a photo reference of Joe Biden, or at least a human of some sort? I realize that looking in the mirror doesn’t work for Ramirez, but he could look in a newspaper, assuming he buys newspapers.

charlesdegoal February 19, 2010 at 1:07 pm

Political cartoons are to cartoons as political parties are to parties.

SayItWithWookies February 19, 2010 at 1:07 pm

First I thought those wienies were whippets, and President Obama was thinking he’d need a good oxygen-deprivation high before meeting with a roomful of George McClellans.

freakishlystrong February 19, 2010 at 1:08 pm

The Wienies one is simply wrong-Barry woulda been thinking; “Fucking Retards”.

CorkPopper February 19, 2010 at 1:08 pm

[re=516072]JMP[/re]: And they get really pissy if you try and wipe it off, thinking (in your naive protestant brain) it’s newsprint or something and you’re doing them a favor. Sheesh.

thesheriffisnear February 19, 2010 at 1:09 pm

Jeez, the Clinton cartoon has all the contemporary relevance of a Thomas Nast cartoon.

http://www.spartacus.schoolnet.co.uk/USAnast3.jpg

Of course it makes up for its lack of context with astounding unfunniness.

Howzat!?!?

Mad Brahms February 19, 2010 at 1:10 pm

[re=516072]JMP[/re]: I *am* (nominally) Catholic, and I didn’t get the whole Ash Wednesday thing. Part of it may be due to my lapsed agnostic status, but more likely it’s because the drawing is fucking eTarded.

Also, a Lewisnky joke! HAW HAW! Hey you remember that one time we had a president who bombed the shit out of a bunch of places, ignored Rwanda, and implemented DADT, but also actually managed a budget surplus and presided over a period of time when people actually respected us? I don’t either, but I sure remember when he had a president that fucked an intern! LOL!@!@!! Topical!

freakishlystrong February 19, 2010 at 1:11 pm

Those are the assfuckingness funniest tags, possibly ever.

Rock Ripsnort February 19, 2010 at 1:12 pm

For that extra Catholic-y look, Ramirez shoved an entire slice of lemon into Biden’s mouth.

imissopus February 19, 2010 at 1:13 pm

Did Jay Leno draw that Clinton one?

LittlePig February 19, 2010 at 1:13 pm

Funny how Ramirez loses all that Jebus-following life-loving when it comes to bombing random brown folk.

imissopus February 19, 2010 at 1:13 pm

[re=516072]JMP[/re]: Dammit! I should read all the comments before I start typing.

FlownOver February 19, 2010 at 1:14 pm

[re=516075]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: There are certain types of brain damage that cause visual distortion. I learned that by watching “House.”

LittlePig February 19, 2010 at 1:18 pm

[re=516082]thesheriffisnear[/re]: Oh please. I recall the caption on that one: “Who Stole The People’s Money?” “Twas’ him!” Since Tammany Hall was effectively a crime outfit, Nast did a good visual pun on “Tammany Ring”. Boss Tweed is the fat feller on the left.

Nope. Analogy fail.

Jumping Jim February 19, 2010 at 1:23 pm

The only way that Politicians want to fuck each other is if they are facing in the same direction.
You can tell if they are in the same party because the one on top gives a wrap around.

Come here a minute February 19, 2010 at 1:26 pm

At least the Europeans got the French maid outfit, but they screwed it up by putting business attire underneath — fishnets, you morans!

Gumboz1953 February 19, 2010 at 1:32 pm

[re=516073]Gunner[/re]: Really. The mark of a good cartoonist (no pun intended) is when the characters don’t need silly labels. The EU guy would need one here (I mean, who follows that crap?) but a drawing, even a caricature, of the Vice President should be fucking obvious to anybody in the United States. Guy’s a fool. And I don’t mean Biden.

thesheriffisnear February 19, 2010 at 1:37 pm

[re=516095]LittlePig[/re]: No, No, NO!!!! I think you missed my point I loves Nast. I was saying that a Monica reference was about as relevant to the times as a Boss Tweed reference. Hope I didn’t screw up the whole Wonkette community by comparing the works of the great Thomas Nast to a work that is criminally unfunny.

zenferret February 19, 2010 at 1:38 pm

[re=516086]freakishlystrong[/re]: I don’t know. I think 100219-6 was just wrong. Things were going so well until that one. Made a recovery with 100219-7 though.

[re=516095]LittlePig[/re]:

Criticism fail. That was a great Nast cartoon. But the operative word is “Was”. It would sorta be a big “Huh?” if published today.

qwerty42 February 19, 2010 at 1:41 pm

[re=516084]Mad Brahms[/re]: …I sure remember when he had a president that fucked an intern! LOL!@!@!! Topical!
Cutting edge humor to appeal to teh oldz. Need to keep it up, ’cause once they’re dead, it will seem lame. Well, I guess too late for that. but still….

Lascauxcaveman February 19, 2010 at 1:43 pm

[re=516084]Mad Brahms[/re]: [re=516081]CorkPopper[/re]: It’s a running joke each Ash Wednesday between my wife and kids (Catholic) and me (not so much) that when I see them after they’ve been smeared, “Hey, you’ve um…got some schmutz on your forehead, and make a move like I’m going to wipe it off.

As it happens, my 10-year-old had an orthodontist appointment after school on Wednesday, and she’s lying there in the chair in her Catholic school uniform waiting for the doctor to come by, and the dental assistant who is Catholic and has a kid that goes to the same Catholic school as my kid, gets out a tissue and says, “You’ve got some schmutz on your forehead” and wipes it off.

It was just one of those perfect moments.

BlueStateLiberal February 19, 2010 at 1:45 pm

Geez, the Clinton cartoon just makes me want to cry because it reminds me of the time when we all had jobs.

Fuck Toad February 19, 2010 at 1:50 pm

[re=516071]gurukalehuru[/re]: Ramirez is actually an excellent artist, whenever he’s not working out a ragegasm over some DFH he wants to see hanged.

LittlePig February 19, 2010 at 1:59 pm

[re=516114]zenferret[/re]: That was tongue-in-cheek. I agree on the relevance part, but I disagree about any other comparison. The Bensen cartoon would have been just as shitty in 1998.

queeraselvis v 2.0 February 19, 2010 at 2:03 pm

[re=516124]Fuck Toad[/re]: Which is to say, never. Also, add pansy-assed homos to the long list Mikey Boy would like to see swinging from the nearest tree.

Monsieur Grumpe February 19, 2010 at 2:05 pm

Best Cartoon violence ever!

Bad political cartoons remind me how good Pogo was.
RIP Walt Kelly

Fred Wertham Jr. February 19, 2010 at 2:22 pm

[re=516129]LittlePig[/re]: And the Nast cartoon is still funny.

Mustang February 19, 2010 at 2:33 pm

[re=516073]Gunner[/re]: That’s hilarious. A political cartoonist who has to put names on his subjects is like a plumber who doesn’t know how to install toilets.

JMP February 19, 2010 at 2:37 pm

[re=516084]Mad Brahms[/re]: I don’t remember all the details of the Ash Wednesday thing, but from what I do recall it’s supposed to remind Catholics of their own bodily mortality (of course, there’s still the whole afterlife thing). There’s nothing about fetuses there.

Is Ramirez claiming that god hates abortion so much he turns pro-choice Catholics’ dirt smudges into fetus stigmata? That’s all I’ve got; the symbolism just doesn’t fit.

[re=516118]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Heh. Philly has a large Catholic population, so most non-Catholics at least know about Ash Wednesday’s existence; I was wondering on Wednesday what people in other areas who might not know about it think when they see people with the dirt on their foreheads. Sounds like even some who should know better forget.

geminisunmars February 19, 2010 at 3:04 pm

[re=516120]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: Reminds me of a time when we all had blow jobs.

teebob2000 February 19, 2010 at 3:05 pm

My born-again, Christian fundamentalist ex-father-in-law hung a sign on their home’s back door that read: “A backdoor guest is always best.” Good times.

Katydid February 19, 2010 at 3:07 pm

As a Jewish atheist, alls I know about Ash Wednesday is that my mom always told me not to say anything about it to the Catholic kids, and that on AW some Brit broadcaster covering the Olympics kept wondering if Biden was injured until a papist finally called in. See what Henry VIII started?

Pop Socket February 19, 2010 at 3:10 pm

My favorite romantic comedies are where the couple want to bone but can’t because of some obscure taboo like they think they are brother and sister or something.

Katydid February 19, 2010 at 3:15 pm

[re=516185]JMP[/re]: Is Ramirez claiming that god hates abortion so much he turns pro-choice Catholics’ dirt smudges into fetus stigmata?

Something like that. If Ramirez wants to highlight the supposed hypocrisy on the part of Catholic officials, then he ought to get busy drawing a picture of Nino Scalia’s big fat dick head, putting an electric chair or a syringe dripping with poison on his big fat dick forehead, because that sonuvabitch is about as pro-death penalty as you get, and he’s only too happy to talk about how he thinks being pro-death penalty is perfectly in line with being a good Catholic, while being pro-women’s rights would NOT be in line with being a good Catholic, and he would rather resign than vote for women’s rights if it involves abortion.

I will remind everyone that the Catholic Church is officially as anti-death penalty as it is anti-abortion, and Nino’s proud position makes him an avowed Cafeteria Catholic, exactly what Biden and the Kennedys are accused of being. Except Biden and the Kennedys believe, as JFK did, in the separation of church and state, while pencil dick Nino says separation of wha?

teebob2000 February 19, 2010 at 3:31 pm

[re=516118]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Too cult-y.

DLTooley February 19, 2010 at 4:07 pm

A whole new meaning to the word ‘NIMBY’?

McDuff February 19, 2010 at 4:42 pm

[re=516257]Katydid[/re]: The Catholic Church also (a bit late in the historic scheme of things) is against torture, yet a lot of “good” Catholics seem to be A.OK with sticking jumper cables on some guys nads — I think the Washington Post just gave a weekly column to one of them. As add a medieval torture dude to their foreheads as well.

Rock Ripsnort February 19, 2010 at 7:29 pm

Ramirez hates Biden so much he shoved a half watermelon into his mouth. Suck on THAT, fancy-boy!

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CaliforniaMike February 19, 2010 at 11:04 pm

[re=516247]Pop Socket[/re]: And then they find out that they really are related, but they want to bone so much they do it anyway?

Mad Brahms February 20, 2010 at 1:47 pm

[re=516412]McDuff[/re]: They’re also (in theory) against war, too, but apparently it no longer counts if it’s against muslins (historical precedent! ack.)

Wingnutia February 20, 2010 at 4:14 pm

This Ramirez guy is onto something, how can anyone be catholic and pro-choice, why it’s almost like Joe Biden when he’s not in the public eye runs a forced abortion manufacturing plant where the fetuses are ground up and come out as spam (now you know what it’s really made from)…seriously, though conservative catholics only highlight the supposed hypocrisy of their liberal counterparts and yet are so self un-aware they cannot see their own. (By the way, papal-tards being pro-choise doesn’t mean you’re pro-abortion, it means you support privacy, kind of like how your beloved institution used privacy to hide your child molesting priests).

Speaking of which, does anyone remember when the Pope TOTALLY pissed Scalia off? It was when the death penalty for children was being debated and Scalia was all set: black hood, gloves, bare chest, axe, etc. until the pope (I think John Paul) said that it was immoral to give children the death penalty and the USC agreed with him…except for extreme pro-lifer hardcore catholic Antonin Scalia. He wrote an opinion essentially saying “hey you the fag with the funny hat, don’t you tell me I can’t execute children! go back to fucking france ya soft liberal pussy!” to this day I have NEVER seen a conservative catholic repudiate Scalia’s blood soaked love of killing people who MAY have committed a horrible crime (even children), or his complete support for every war proposed, or his viagra brand hard-on for torture. I guess to a conservative catholic you’re only not a “good” catholic if you think women have privacy rights to their own bodies (or if you disagree that priests don’t have privacy rights to little boys penises).

japan_monster February 20, 2010 at 11:21 pm

I think Joe Biden’s cranial baby bump is beautiful.

davesnothere February 21, 2010 at 1:38 am

Hoo boy, them is plenty lame – no wonder newspaperin’ is going under.

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