Have You Signed America’s George Washington Petition Yet?

by Jim Newell

I AM YR GODHEADFine, let’s try to tackle it. Every rich corporate D.C. conservative establishment liar is going to (went to?) Virginia’s most famous slave ranch, Mount Vernon, today, to sign some sort of Declaration thing, in this latest move in the evolution of the conservative astroturf movement. Two possible reactions: (a) What a bunch of cocksuckers! And also, they’re funny for doing this! (b) The whole American Revolution was fundamentally astroturfing, so who are we to call these nowadays-rich folk bad historians? YEEHAW!

They have a website with a statement, first of all

The Mount Vernon Statement

Constitutional Conservatism: A Statement for the 21st Century

We recommit ourselves to the ideas of the American Founding. Through the Constitution, the Founders created an enduring framework of limited government based on the rule of law. They sought to secure national independence, provide for economic opportunity, establish true religious liberty and maintain a flourishing society of republican self-government.

[ten million more paragraphs about whatever... taxes... murder... etc.]

Sounds good, let’s sign up.

This is going to be hilarious. The photos of it, you know? Dave Weigel will be there, for the hilarity, so don’t SCREW IT UP, WEIGEL.

[The Mount Vernon Statement]

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Hola wonkerados.

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JMP February 17, 2010 at 3:11 pm

The founding fathers also endorsed slavery and limited voting to property-owning white men; of course, most conservatives support both ideas, so never mind.

V572625694 February 17, 2010 at 3:11 pm

“The conservatism of the Declaration asserts self-evident truths based on the laws of nature and nature’s God.”

Nature has her own God? Does our God, Glenn Beck, know about this?

Suds McKenzie February 17, 2010 at 3:12 pm

I expected Washington to be crying.

skutre February 17, 2010 at 3:12 pm

Slave ranch? I thought it was a pot farm with silly white people and knee slappin banjo playin happy slaves all gettin along before Rodney Luther King aND tIMOTHY lEARY fucked everything up I lurned that in skool right here in Texas where George Washington was born.

ManchuCandidate February 17, 2010 at 3:12 pm

And no votes for darkies, slant eyed yellow people, messicans, chicks or them librals and their ideas.

snideinplainsight February 17, 2010 at 3:13 pm

When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
– some dude in a wig

V572625694 February 17, 2010 at 3:13 pm

Look at the “signatories”–what a rogue’s gallery!

Edwin Meese, former U.S. Attorney General under President Reagan
Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council
Brent Bozell, president of the Media Research Center
Alfred Regnery, publisher of the American Spectator
Grover Norquist, president of Americans for Tax Reform
Richard Viguerie, Chairman, ConservativeHQ.com
Kathryn J. Lopez, National Review

Crank Tango February 17, 2010 at 3:13 pm

Charlie: Oh, well, we gotta suffer just because some old dude who looks like Meryl Streep chopped down a cherry tree, like, ten million years ago?

Flanders February 17, 2010 at 3:13 pm

Get to work, boys!

qwerty42 February 17, 2010 at 3:15 pm

Daniel Larrison rips this absurd, pious pronouncement. And contrasts it with what the so-called “conservatives” have actually been doing.

steverino247 February 17, 2010 at 3:16 pm

And “Rule of Law” means we can violate the 8th Amendment if we’re really, really angry with somebody.

Mad Brahms February 17, 2010 at 3:17 pm

Like contemporary conservatism, a large part of the the revolution was about whiny fuckers not wanting to pay taxes.

But then there was the whole “religious liberty”, “freedom of expression” and “actually providing for the welfare of your goddam people” thing, which is slightly different, maybe.

grevillea February 17, 2010 at 3:18 pm

Is that one a them fancy homographic reporters?

JMP February 17, 2010 at 3:18 pm

Now I’ve read the whole thing, and it says absolutely nothing. Most of it is just the basic phrases everyone has to memorize in third grade history, mixed in with a few conservative buzzwords. And of course, even with so little they’re wrong. Once again, they simply assert that modern government is ignoring the Constitution, without any basis; and they seem to think that free enterprise and the free market is enshrined in the Constitution – where exactly is that, Conservatards?

More sound and fury, signifying nothing, just like most of the modern Republican party.

freakishlystrong February 17, 2010 at 3:21 pm

Weren’t there, like, 3,000 people and six states in this country in the days of the founders? Which is a word I’m hating as much as “patriot” now. Also.

JMP February 17, 2010 at 3:22 pm

[re=514346]steverino247[/re]: Along with the Fourth through Sixth. At least none of them have proposed forcing us to house soldiers against our will … yet.

Mad Brahms February 17, 2010 at 3:22 pm

[re=514345]qwerty42[/re]: This takedown, especially the way it address conservatards blind ignorance of constitutional limits on executive power, is brilliant. Too bad he just he clearly hates our freedoms!

One Yield Regular February 17, 2010 at 3:22 pm

Well this certainly is an important and fascinating declara-… Hey! I bet if you turned that George Washington hologram thing on its side, it would look a lot like a giant sunfish:


skutre February 17, 2010 at 3:22 pm

[re=514341]V572625694[/re]: Burr is conspicuously absent. However, he deserves honorable mention for wacking Hamilton, father of corporate America, confusor of disposable textile tea infusion devices.

freakishlystrong February 17, 2010 at 3:22 pm

Hugh Jorgan, Beaver Lick, KY

And which Wonketeer was this? Cuz I laffed.

bureaucrap February 17, 2010 at 3:23 pm

If they think the constitution is being violated, they can take it to the Supreme Court (viz Marbury v. Madison).

On second thought, given the current composition of the court, maybe they oughtn’t.

snideinplainsight February 17, 2010 at 3:23 pm

All Wars are Follies, very expensive, and very mischievous ones. When will Mankind be convinced of this, and agree to settle their Differences by Arbitration? Were they to do it, even by the Cast of a Dye, it would be better than by Fighting and destroying each other.
– some other dude in a wig

bored with gravity February 17, 2010 at 3:24 pm

I’ll go only if I can be Button Gwinnett. Otherwise I say boo.

jetjaguar February 17, 2010 at 3:25 pm

They’ll save the children, but not the British children.

skutre February 17, 2010 at 3:26 pm

[re=514360]snideinplainsight[/re]: a standing army is the greatest threat to liberty or something like that.
-some other dude in a wig

penalcolony February 17, 2010 at 3:27 pm

Actually, the slave ranch / pot farm doesn’t permit political events or fundraising on premises, so America’s Worst Old White Men (and K-Lo, who only looks like a man) had to light their wet firecracker at http://www.collingwoodlibrary.com/, which pretends to have some connection to George Washington.

SayItWithWookies February 17, 2010 at 3:27 pm

Their “about” page allows comments — my friends Nash and Aldiss Grace told me so.

Joey Ohio February 17, 2010 at 3:28 pm

The Authors of the “The Mount Vernon Statement” should be required to retake civics and maybe write a 10 page paper on the positive constitutional changes that have expanded our individual freedoms since the days of our founding fathers.

mumblyjoe February 17, 2010 at 3:29 pm

Most hilarious is that the astroturfers couldn’t even get to the famous slave ranch to sign those things. See, Mount Vernon has a strict “no political events” policy, though they make exception for former presidents, because. So instead, they had to sign it 4 1/2 miles away, and say they were srsly at Mount Vernon, no really.

Gotta hand it to ol G-dub: he’s been dead for 211 years, and he still hates most politicians so much that he won’t let them on his lawn.

skutre February 17, 2010 at 3:29 pm

[re=514364]penalcolony[/re]: lemme guess, it’s in Seattle?

TGY February 17, 2010 at 3:30 pm

Needs more old-timey-icky font. Or Schoolhouse Rock.

gurukalehuru February 17, 2010 at 3:31 pm

But, but, but… it’s George (Jesus) Washington. Everybody’s gotta support that, right?

Buttery1000 February 17, 2010 at 3:32 pm

Someone should ask these fuksticks how the Ninth Amendment fits into their view of the Constitution.

thejesusandmarycheney February 17, 2010 at 3:32 pm

Weigel, around in excrement.

Buzz Feedback February 17, 2010 at 3:32 pm

Keep fukkin that chicken George.

hoosiermama February 17, 2010 at 3:33 pm

That hologrammy thing looks like the ones in the Haunted Mansion, the ones that follow you as you move through in your Doom Buggy.

snideinplainsight February 17, 2010 at 3:34 pm


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Ruhe February 17, 2010 at 3:37 pm

Just what else do these people want? They always talk as though they are threatened on every side and yet, like Barbie, the bitches have everything.

gurukalehuru February 17, 2010 at 3:38 pm

[re=514367]mumblyjoe[/re]: And the battle of Bunker Hill was actually on Breed’s Hill, but Bunker sounds so much more Bunkery.

betterDeadThanRed February 17, 2010 at 3:39 pm

“establish true religious liberty” means for a narrow spectrum of Christian sects. No joos, witches, hinuz, or muslins.

No witches in the military! I’d just as soon follow a gay as a witch into combat. Hey, I actually would.

SmutBoffin February 17, 2010 at 3:40 pm

This little conservative stunt is destined to be a small, red pimple of a historical footnote.

norbizness February 17, 2010 at 3:41 pm

I cannot tell a lie! What a bunch of assholes!

Jumping Jim February 17, 2010 at 3:41 pm

If you ever visit Mt Vernon… and it truly is beautiful, you will note that the construction workers used a process with the wood to make it the exterior walls look like stone.

This makes it an appropriate symbol for a group who wishes to make a statement about liberty that is about their liberty, not the other 99% of America’s liberty.

Prommie February 17, 2010 at 3:43 pm

re-writin’ history is hard work!

El Pinche February 17, 2010 at 3:44 pm

[re=514341]V572625694[/re]: Sorry k-lo, you won’t make the cut. Servants, maids and gardeners aren’t qualified to be in the Constitution Club.

Zadig February 17, 2010 at 3:45 pm

[re=514363]skutre[/re]: “Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies.”
-Lord Wiggington the 3rd, master of powdered hairpieces,
professional slave-fucker and also probably a president of some sort.

vkladchik February 17, 2010 at 3:46 pm


The comments section is open on the other pages.

vkladchik February 17, 2010 at 3:46 pm

They’re moderated, but they’re still open, anyway.

Extemporanus February 17, 2010 at 3:47 pm

[re=514367]mumblyjoe[/re]: Wow, um, making fun of reasonable patriots at an anti-socialist petition signing that happened 4 miles away from Mt. Vernon is so funny that it makes me wish wonkette had decided maybe this was inappropriate and kinda fucked up to post.

Seriously, wtf?

FMA February 17, 2010 at 3:48 pm

[re=514351]JMP[/re]: Actually, in the small print, toward the end, it says that corporations can assfuck the public at will. Isn’t that the language the Supremes relied upon in its recent ruling. Because, otherwise, that decision would be the work of an activist court and we all know how bad that is.

comicbookguy February 17, 2010 at 3:49 pm

Four score and seven community colleges ago, our fore-mother quit her job to bring upon this land a new book tour, five hundred bucks gets you in.

V572625694 February 17, 2010 at 3:52 pm

I see our good friends Haywood Jablome and Mike Hunt have signed up, too.

disgustedcitizen February 17, 2010 at 3:53 pm

Ok, if I have read this thing correctly, it can be summed up as: “We got ours, fuck the rest of you.”

lawrenceofthedesert February 17, 2010 at 3:54 pm

With Obama stalling, they figured, “Heck, why roll back the clock to 1949 when we can take ‘er back to the 18th century?”

nappyduggs February 17, 2010 at 3:54 pm

As a member of the DOSOAR (Daughters of Slaves of the American Revolution) I can guilelessly state that we fully support present day White dudes coming together to celebrate what old-tymey White dudes used to do.

Dashboard_Buddha February 17, 2010 at 3:56 pm

Washington, hell. That picture looks more like Adam Weishaupt.

coolcatdaddy February 17, 2010 at 3:59 pm

Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council

Wow – I had no idea what Tony was up to after all those “Psycho” movies….

FatCog February 17, 2010 at 4:01 pm

The Authors forgot one important and overlooked part of the constitution:
Truck Nutz.

Extemporanus February 17, 2010 at 4:03 pm

[re=514350]grevillea[/re]: Blasphemer! How dare you refer to the Supreme Being as a “fancy homographic reporter”?!

If you don’t adopt a more referential tone in the future, He might very well decide to transfer you to the undergrowth department — brackens, more shrubs, that sort of thing — with a 19% cut in salary, backdated to the beginning of time.

Monsieur Grumpe February 17, 2010 at 4:05 pm

Mr Shweaty Balls just sign the petition. My work is done.

S.Luggo February 17, 2010 at 4:07 pm

The Declaration of Independence was superseded by the Treaty of Paris (1783), by the founding of the Federal Reserve, and by those damn World Bank black helicopters that keeping flying around my house (only I can’t see them no more ’cause I boarded up all the windders, but I canz hear ‘em … or may it’s the beez in my head.)

Give me Ameros or give me debt!

Blue_in_VA February 17, 2010 at 4:10 pm

Noticed earlier today that Bill Ayres and Al Koholic had signed the petition. Wingnuts never learn. Looks like they’ve removed the signatories from public scrutiny, so we’ll just have to take them at their word that they have 4000 signatures. Anyone?

Extemporanus February 17, 2010 at 4:12 pm

[re=514428]FatCog[/re]: Ya meen deez Constatooshun Nutz?

BlueStateLiberal February 17, 2010 at 4:13 pm

And these are the very same people who would trash our civil liberties every time a Muslim says “boo” to them. I hope the donkeys at Mount Vernon farted in their general direction.

S.Luggo February 17, 2010 at 4:23 pm

A “Statememnt” named after a Southern plantation is only 3/5′s of a statement.

Didn’t any of these libertarian types think this thru?

JMP February 17, 2010 at 4:25 pm

[re=514395]FMA[/re]: It’s perfectly clear; just remember that where the Constitution says “persons”, it means “corporations”, and where it says “speech”, it means “spending money”.

[re=514458]BlueStateLiberal[/re]: Silly liberal, rights don’t apply to brown people.

Gun-toting Progressive February 17, 2010 at 4:27 pm

[re=514367]mumblyjoe[/re]: Wow, I used to LIVE 4.5 miles away from Mount Vernon. To think that they signed this important document in my old apartment…

JMP February 17, 2010 at 4:27 pm

[re=514479]S.Luggo[/re]: “Didn’t any of these libertarian types think”

The answer to this is always “No”.

Way Cool Larry February 17, 2010 at 4:29 pm

conservatives are so cute when they talk about the rule of law

OhPleeze February 17, 2010 at 4:39 pm

They’re just all excited about redistricting in those heavily-populated 3/5 of a person areas of the country. No need for full representation when the great white theocracy takes power.

Pompous Magnus February 17, 2010 at 4:49 pm

I guess they never actually read a real biography of Washington. …or at least they skipped over those parts that spoke about his approval of a strong Federal government, a central bank, a single currency, a national army, etc. You know, things that were progressive (read: not conservative) for the time.

The hagiography and apocrypha of George and the cherry tree and taking a rich woman for a wife for her slaves and land was more fun.

BeWoot February 17, 2010 at 4:50 pm

So this petition means those people have switched over to our side now? That’s a stunner. Oh, what will we do without the “loyal” opposition?

taylormattd February 17, 2010 at 4:54 pm

Phil Theekok has also signed this very important document.

muffler February 17, 2010 at 4:57 pm

This is yet another re-branding effort – again. The same “compassionate”, “Reagan”, “Contract with American” right wingers are living in bizarro world. These are the same people who have a 30 year track record of doing anything, but upholding the Constitution, the rule of law, or looking out for the general being of the United States. So some MS Paint scroll with general statements that appeal to emotions of lost souls is all they can come up with. If I did this at work I would be laughed at for not really thinking it through. No vision and no visible means to follow through. One word for everyone that signed this – Retire!

Ducksworthy February 17, 2010 at 5:30 pm

But but Ed Meese will be there! Hooray! I thought he was dead. But then I remembered what Hunter Thompson said about him. “I believe that Ed Meese- being a person without any honor, a fat bastard, really a congenital cheap pig in the style of and on the level if Richard Nixon- should be locked in a concrete basement with an elk. And the elk should be ram-fed full of acid before he’s put in there”.

So he does have that one redeeming quality about him.

Ducksworthy February 17, 2010 at 5:31 pm

[re=514351]JMP[/re]: In other words its written in Palinese?

sezme February 17, 2010 at 5:36 pm

That image is very disturbing. I wish you’d have chosen something else. I realize that it’s a shameful part of American history that we should never forget, but it’s too much.

PickneyPinchback February 17, 2010 at 5:42 pm

“establish true religious liberty ”

So I assume that means liberty for the true religion. You know, the snake-handlin’, Bauble-thumpin’, gay-bashin’, flag-worshippin’ true religion. Everyone has the liberty to accept it or pack up and move out.

Ducksworthy February 17, 2010 at 5:46 pm

[re=514479]S.Luggo[/re]: Ahem. These are not libertarians. Libertarians believe in something, weird its true but its something, these fat old fuycks don’t believe in anything except riling up the stoopid masses to elect them and their degenerate party so they can go back to divvying up the country’s wealth without scrutiny.

Smoke Filled Roommate February 17, 2010 at 5:52 pm

“We recommit ourselves to the ideas of the American Funding Through the Corporation. The Funders created an enduring framework of limited government based on the rule of law and deregulation.”

Wow. It’s..so truthful!

Zadig February 17, 2010 at 7:24 pm

[re=514613]Ducksworthy[/re]: Well let’s be honest, here. All Libertarians believe in is freedom from taxes, and probably bombing brown people, for good measure. Granted, this doesn’t seem very much different from the rest of the Republican party, BUT! They also would appreciate it if pot was legal. Not that they wouldn’t toke if it remained banned, but there you go.

Joe Trainwreck February 17, 2010 at 8:54 pm

This is not libertarian. Libertarians believe in smoking pot with Transhuman Ayn Rand funbots, forever, and, uh, less taxes. Yes, I subscribe to Reason, so I do know.
Oh, and Libertarians are inconveniently anti-war. Wars lead to taxes and totally un-libertarian things like conscription.

rocktonsammy February 17, 2010 at 9:15 pm


Potater February 17, 2010 at 10:07 pm

It’s convenient that Conservaninnies always forget that the Articles of Confederation established the hyper deregulated, no-fed government we had for all of 2 hours. The Constitution was then created to institute a supreme Federal government to make up for the appalling failure that was America under decentralization. So I ask this: why do wingnuts hate America?

BarackMyWorld February 17, 2010 at 10:53 pm

Given what we know about James Madison, I’m fairly certain he’d invite these people to lick his nuts. Provided Dolly was finished, that is.

AddHomonym February 17, 2010 at 11:59 pm

Mount Vernon? I don’t even know him!

Wingnutia February 18, 2010 at 1:06 am

Okay folks, this political stunt shows just how desperate conservatives are to give themselves a historical grounding. Hell even Russel Kirk and James Burnham admitted “conservatism” was a movement created in the 1950′s, not the 1770′s and these douchebags prove it. Their is no mention, not even a single word in either the Declaration or the Constitution about “free markets”. Hell, even Adam Smith in “On the Wealth of Nations” opposed corporations and massive wealth concentration so these douchebags don’t even quote HIM right, either. I was listening to a debate/interview between Thom Hartmann and batshit wingnut Steve Forbes today and when discussing the founding of America Thom correctly pointed out that no one had worth amounting to todays amount of 1 million US dollars back then, Steve Forbes remarked, “it’s because they were agrarian”. I think this constitutes a microchasm of wingnut cognitive dissonance i.e. trying to have it all ways.

They want us to obey their absurd interpretation of the constitution written by agrarian people, but when you bring up something even on their “intellectual” turf that goes against their neo-royalism they remark “they were agrarian” (as in backwards morons). AHHHHH gotcha!

And one more thing, this whole wingnut love of giant corporations and centralized wealth. Giant corporations are the soul of anti-capitalism (but pro fascism) because one of two self fulfilling prophecies occur when they exist: A) They grow so large they swallow their entire market and then set prices (that’s called “market unbalance” and “anti-competition”) or society decides to prevent them from destroying the entire economy with their tendency to crash when the economy takes a cyclical downturn and demands the government regulate them. One of these two outcomes ALWAYS occurs; thus they either prove the capitalist model to be incomplete or they are anti-capitalism. Not to mention the whole voracious devouring of natural resources and pollution which also runs counter to capitalist notions of perfect competition; I won’t name all of its principles for those who don’t know but let’s just say most our markets “ain’t it”.

Also, centralization of wealth in as few of hands as possible actually subverts the rule of law by removing legal objectivity and fairness as well as dessicating the intent of the language of the declaration “ALL PEOPLE have the rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness”, not just rich capitalists who own everyone else as labor. Sorry I took up a lot of valuable snarking space but I do get so annoyed when wingnuts try to pretend they have any link to our founding leftwing radical liberalism…I won’t even bother with religion, then I’ll really get pissed and verbose.

Beanball February 18, 2010 at 2:51 am

[re=514843]Wingnutia[/re]: Oh, I get it: Hobbes vs. Kant.


skutre February 18, 2010 at 6:26 am

[re=514863]Beanball[/re]: Calvin also

graceless February 18, 2010 at 7:34 am

*has gone.

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