Bob Barr, the former Libertarian presidential candidate and evil twin of Reverend Jeremiah Wright, wrote a very interesting thing today about how the military is infested with witches and warlocks! Did you know this? Did you know that they are cold dancin’ around bubbling cauldrons on Fort Hood and holding sexy outdoor rituals at the Air Force Academy?
Well, they are:
I have to tell you, if I were in the Air Force and was being commanded by an officer who practices hedonism as a religion (another part of the definition of “pagan”), and who dances around a circle of stones in the woods carrying a lighted candle, I would be more than a little worried about following him into battle.
To be fair, these people did take down the Romans, so maybe they are not total pussies?
Pagan worship at Air Force Academy [Atlanta Journal-Constitution via Fark]
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Oh baby, if this were happening when I was of “draft” age, I would have signed up right then and there……
Because swinging incense around and eating your god is so much more sane.
The Air Force Academy is the gayest of the service academies; this new brand of faith can’t compete with the rigid Christian fundamentalism that suffuses all of Colorado Springs. Of course the Navy is the gayest of the actual services, what with their Filipino cabin boys running around the aircraft carriers in loincloths. It’s lonely out there!
Wait, witches like, dance around the Equinox, or witches like, hurt people? Because if it’s the latter, I think that’s a good thing to have in our military.
And if I were in the Air Force and was being commanded by an officer who claims to practice ritual cannibalism as part of his religion, I would be more than a little worried about following him into battle.
And yay, the comment box is up! Hopefully this is actually working.
Of course this means Dumbledore has to be thrown out to enhance “unit cohesion.”
A mewling little pussy like Barr doesn’t get to pretend to be more serious than pagans and he certainly doesn’t get to talk about being lead into battle
And when exactly does the Air Force go into battle?
This is merely thinly disguised homophobia. The author would be happy if the subjects didn’t “dance around like f******”.
Manly buttsex as a form of worship, however…
I were in the Air Force and was being commanded by an officer who practices hedonism as a religion (another part of the definition of “pagan”), and who dances around a circle of stones in the woods carrying a lighted candle, I would be more than a little worried about following him into battle.
Personally I’d be a little worried about taking advice on religion from a guy who tries to look like a gay Thurston Howell, III.
On a related note, as I was driving to work and listening to that boil on the ass of teabaggery Glenn Beck, he said it was important to have faith to be an American. He then said that it didn’t matter so much which faith, so long as it was faith. Then he paraphrased a letter from George Washington who said that if he was looking to hire a man, he would even hire an atheist if he could get the job done, and agreed with the sentiment. So, to sum up: You need faith. It doesn’t matter which faith — and it can even be a complete lack of faith. But you need faith. One certainly can’t argue with logic like that.
It’s also cute that Barr wonders how far the tolerance of Pagans should extend. Um, there’s a little thing called the First Amendment that kind of requires the government to tolerate them.
But oh, they worship at altars that are outdoors; that’s so weird and different from the indoor Christian altars!
[re=514106]slithytoves[/re]: Their job is to fly loads of porn and ice cream into Baghdad. If you’re in the Air Force, and you’re a woman, your job is to get impregnated by a Navy guy so you can get the hell out of the Air Force without getting anyone in the Air Force in Trouble.
Just as I was giving up on the hopey-changey thingy, I read that there are Pagans in the Air Force. Yes, there is a God(s).
[re=514104]pampl[/re]: Kind of cuts into the whole “libertarian” thing though.
As it happens, how long before S. Palin is the Libertarian nominee for 2012? So long as religious liberty & abortions are cut out of the libertarian platform, for the troops ya know, she’s in like flynn.
I’d rather follow a witch, warlock, or wizard into battle than some fucking idiot who thinks “God is on our side.”
Are we talking “Charmed” cast witches (Rose McGowan era) or “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” witches? Either way sign me up.
And if I were in the Air Force and was being commanded by an officer who claims to be on the other side, I’d be more than a little worried about following him into battle. Sort of like Gen. Irvin McDowell. Well, to be fair, only his soldiers claimed he was on the other side, he didn’t.
[re=514086]V572625694[/re]: Jeeze I wish she would open up comments so I can thank Michele Malkin for her (?) service.
Best use ever of the dumb Air Force motto.
But without witches/warlocks/wizards in the military, who’s going to cast buffs on all those fighters?
His web page column thing or whatever is called “The Barr Code.” Someone scan him, quick! And real hard too!
As an 11th Level omega-3 half-elf Raelian Chlamydian hedonist warlock, I have to tell you that I have a problem with letting Air Force cadets into our ranks — they are into some pretty crazy shit.
If he were an actual libertarian he would mind his own fucking business and STFU.
“I’m a man of faith”
“Oh, you have an imaginary friend?”
“I believe in the bible and in God’s word”
“Your imaginary friend has a name? God? Is that what you call him? Does he talk to you?”
“I am in constant communion with God”
“Oh, you talk back to him, too? We have a name for people like you. Schizophrenic”
Hmmm…that explains all the human sacrifice.
Not sure what a commander’s religion has to do with battle worthiness, but knock yourself out there Bob.
If I were an officer and I had men like Bob “Low” Barr, I’d be worried about leading such dipshits into battle.
[re=514117]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Not really, a Libertarian is just a conservative Republican who considers themselves to be an intellectual; the only freedom they care about is the freedom to not pay taxes.
[re=514114]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: Back in Desert Storm some Air Force guys I met had a good business smuggling bourbon into Saudi Arabia cleverly concealed in Listerine bottles. I’m sure not much has changed since then.
[re=514121]Gorillionaire[/re]: They’re all nice, but I’d still rather have the young Elizabeth Montgomery witch.
[re=514135]Norbert[/re]: They can still get the clerics to buff them, as long as they haven’t used up all their slots with “Charm underage person” and “Obscure evidence” spells.
It’s been said before, but wicca is religion for fat chix who recycle.
… and you should see the shit the Coast Guard is up to!
Air Force jobs are mostly maintaining and repairing equipment, loading and unloading stuff and to a lesser degree flying. These guys aren’t charging into battle, really.
I dunno, man, warlocks are pretty awesome in battle once they get to level 20 and get voidwalkers as pets. And “damage over time” seems like something republicans have always been all about, honestly.
[re=514148]JMP[/re]: tinka tinka tee, indeed.
What about that Emma Watson? What can we do with her?
@bhosp Ha! Beat me to it
Secondly, maybe if Dick Barr joined the military in the 1960s then maybe he would have gotten the Full Metal Jacket treatment:
“If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human, fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit. Because I am hard you will not like me. But the more you hate me the more you will learn. I am hard but I am fair. There is no racial bigotry here. I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops or greasers. Here you are all equally worthless.”
“Today, you people are no longer maggots. Today, you are Marines. You’re part of a brotherhood. From now on until the day you die, wherever you are, every Marine is your brother. Most of you will go to Vietnam. Some of you will not come back. But always remember this: Marines die. That’s what we’re here for. But the Marine Corps lives forever. And that means YOU live forever. “
I presume this means that the best Quidditch players can be found in the Air Force. I guess I’m not surprised. Bob Barr is just a silly Muggle.
[re=514161]Crank Tango[/re]: The question is more what wouldn’t we do with Watson if we could. Wait, hold on a second…
Checking imdb, she was born in 1990. Whew, OK we can safely perv at her now.
What I don’t understand is how this human skidmark became the nominee of the Libertarian Party.
[re=514167]The Little Rock[/re]: Well, the rules of Quidditch don’t make any logical sense; just like the continued existence of the Air Force as a separate service.
[re=514160]Mad Brahms[/re]:
Yeah, but can they heal themselves?
The food was great, the tree plugged in, the meal had gone without a hitch
Till Timmy turned to Amber and said, “Is it true that you’re a witch?”
You know, gays are great and all, and yes they should be allowed to enjoy all the pleasures of marriage just like the rest of us. But, snark aside, pagans are the next civil rights issue on the agenda. And it’s a biggy.
All those tuffy-tuff-guy Colonels in their suburban church-malls with their “My god is greater than their god” run crying like little sissy-girls when they find out there’s a pagan lurking in their community somewhere, God forbid (ha ha) that might actually have talked to their kids in school or donated a book to the library or picked up other people’s rubbish on Earth Day.
Waiting for the Utah state assembly to legislate against the existence of the equinoxes (?sp) -
US Military, infested with warlocks? Absurd!
Our fighting men and women surely know that sorcerers are the far superior arcane striker. Bob Barr probably doesn’t even realize that you can combined Dual Implement Spellcaster with Staff Fighting to get double your enhancement bonus to damage.
[re=514168]JMP[/re]: Exactly! I have a fairly clean conscience since I never saw the Hairy Potter movies and didn’t “discover” her until last year.
I think she really wants us to see her naked too. Maybe not more than I want to see her naked, but whatever.
I am a NeoPagan. I’ve been sending enlightenment vibes to Bob Barr for almost 20 years now. Apparently, it hasn’t been working. I guess I’ll have to start ripping off chicken heads.
[re=514172]NopantsMcGee[/re]: No, but I mean, if these people ran the military, it would probably be all Paladins, and all they’d do is pop bubbles and hop around all day, and really, what could be gayer than that?
NERD THREAD.
[re=514117]ForTheTurnstiles[/re]: I used to think of libertarians as a fairly intelligent group of people, insomuch as “Hey, if government is in it, they need to GTFO of it!” That could also include education, where religionish people are presently told to check their Jesus at the door.
I still believe that, if we can get away with it, less government is actually much better… even though I don’t trust Christians to stay out of the science curriculum. Little stuff like that is what keeps me and the Libertarians apart.
But I do NOT believe that Sarah Palin is a good choice, in any way, to lead the libertarians. ForTheTurnstiles, she is no Harry Browne.
[re=514170]NopantsMcGee[/re]: Probably like every other Libertarian nominee, by being the highest-profile politician willing to take it.
[re=514176]Crank Tango[/re]: Oh yes, I seem to recall interviews where she’s mentioned wanting to do nude scenes. I thought of googling them, but somehow doing that search from work doesn’t strike me as a good idea. Just please, get to it soon!
[re=514174]Godot[/re]: Bah, begone with your 4th Edition blasphemy!
[re=514148]JMP[/re]: For a trip even further down memory lane there is Kim Novak in Bell, Book and Candle.
From 1958
Libertarians = worst character class ever.
Stupid Bob Barr. How the hell does he think the Air Force got their planes to become invisible?
[re=514178]Mad Brahms[/re]: Nah; Paladins require high wisdom and charisma, which no conservatards have. It’d be nothing but a mix of straight Warriors and Barbarians, without a class requiring any creative thought in sight.
[re=514192]peeno nwar[/re]: Yeah, they only spell they get is “Evade Taxes”, and it’s surprisingly ineffective. I guess this is why Barr is jealous.
[re=514178]Mad Brahms[/re]:
Well, *I’m* gayer than that, but I nonetheless see your point.
[re=514177]JooJoo Bee[/re]: Maybe it has worked. Perhaps he’d have been soooo much worse if you hadn’t been sending him vibes. I mean, he did seem to evolve (slightly) after fucking with Clinton in the 90s.
[re=514197]Mad Brahms[/re]: Yeah, they only spell they get is “Evade Taxes”, and it’s surprisingly ineffective. I guess this is why Barr is jealous.
I think that’s more of a passive trait, than an actual spell.
[re=514177]JooJoo Bee[/re]: You know, it works better if you don’t send the vibes in envelopes which also contain anthrax. I’m just sayin.
[re=514200]NopantsMcGee[/re]: Gayer than burly bears with giant swords hopping about as their mystical shields sparkle in the light? You’d better be wearing assless chaps right now.
Damn, I accidentally clicked on the Siemens link without protection.
And Republican is the “class of ‘no’”.
“I have to tell you, if I were in the Air Force and was being commanded by an officer who believes that his god created the earth in six days and tooka a big snooze on the 7th, and that a virgin gave birth to a kid in a manger I would be more than a little worried about following him into battle.”
But hey, that’s just ol pagan me.
Wow, did she get the uniform from the military?? So much nicer than that camo crap.
[re=514185]JMP[/re]: all there appears to be so far is a see-thru panty upskirt where from her 18th birthday. I just pray she doesn’t turn into Lindsay Lohan. Well maybe a little bit.
[re=514215]MOG[/re]: Brooms are WAY cheaper than fighter jets, too. From a purely economic angle, conservatives should love this! Fiscal responsibility, folks.
Needs to be repeated: “To be fair, these people did take down the Romans, so maybe they are not total pussies?”
I never give a fig about Bob Barr’s pet concerns, BUT – “danc[ing] around a stone circle in the woods carrying a lighted candle”?!? – I’m terribly curious to know how it’s possible for someone to go from being an undergrad at U.C. Santa Cruz to becoming an officer in the Air Force.
You know, now that I think about it I do recall thinking at the time that in “Bell, Book and Candle” Hermione Gingold bore a striking resemblance to Douglas McArthur. Perhaps “gay” Hollywood was trying to send us all a signal. I also remember that Kim Novak was hot.
[re=514173]snideinplainsight[/re]: A Dar Williams reference! Thanks!
[re=514178]Mad Brahms[/re]: Chickenhawks == Bubble Hearth-ers! I never made the connection before.
These people think the war is a clusterfuck because of warlocks, but come on, let’s be honest. It’s all the defense contractors we hired, allowing huntards to run amok through the streets of Baghdad.
[re=514173]snideinplainsight[/re]: Waiting for the Utah state assembly to legislate against the existence of the equinoxes
OK, since I’ve gotten into the detestable habit of of granting “Win of the Afternoon” Awards (instead of just saying LOL), you get it right there, buddy.
Sure, Steely Dan is on the Popes “Fav” list, but why would the military worship Donald Fagan?
[re=514266]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Perhaps you can come up with an “afternoon delight” award or somesuch.
It might be added that the Vikings kicked the Christian world’s ass for centuries before the Christians got their revenge in the 2009 NFC championship.
“I have to tell you, if I were in the Air Force…”
No, you do not have to tell us anything. No one is deeply concerned about your opinion. Please STFU.
His mom jumped up and said, “The pies are burning,” and she hit the kitchen
And it was Jane who spoke, she said, “It’s true, your cousin’s not a Christian”
[re=514266]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Equinoxes are just part of unbiblical heliocentric astronomy, the same one that produced hitler and abortions.
If we get rid of all the witches in the army, whose going to turn enemy combatants into newts?
[re=514148]JMP[/re]: Willow from Buffy kicks all those other witches asses, especially when she goes dark and tries to blow up the world
[re=514287]Hooray For Anything[/re]: God, I tired to forgot that horrible “magic is drugs k” plot arc ever existed. Thanks sooo much.
Also, don’t muslins hate witches? Is this a good way to stick it to them? “HAHA! Now we have conquered your country, and are having a ceremony to celebrate the earthmothergoddess that lives in our wombs, in your living room! Suck it, Osama!”
I’m sure this is much more important than all the crips and bloods in the army.
The United States Air Force–Looking busy in the War on Terror.
Excellent point about the Romans.
Emma Watson is probably contractually forbidden to “show anything” until after she finishes the Potter movies. She already has too much money, so there’s no financial incentive to show anything. We’ll probably have to wait until she 40 and wants to show she’s “still got it” before we see her nipples. She’s too smart to make a sex tape, so that’s out, too. Maybe Woody Allen could cast her as a know-it-all hooker? Emma Watson as The Whore of Mensa!
If the military were to institute a “Don’t ask, don’t spell” policy, there’d be nobody left to assume the role of Dungeon Master during Joint Chiefs Middle East strategy meetings.
Orzag’s busy just cold countin’ & fuckin’. Goolsbee was permanently banned for drunkenly dissin’ Gary Gygax at a Lake Geneva Holiday Inn hot tub party. Rahm? Ha, orcs can’t be DMs!
Which leaves us with whom, exactly? Kucinich?! Wicca please! Dude couldn’t roll a twenty if his elfin life depended on it.
[re=514287]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Oh, Hannigan’s hot, no question; I guess we just forget her because she wasn’t the lead. And she’s done the near-porn Maxim thing, but still has yet to show the real thing.
I thought the Air Force would be more involved with the Hell’s Angels, rather than the Pagans and the Warlocks.
[re=514310]Extemporanus[/re]: 10 points for the vintage Gencon reference. DAMN YOU INDIANAPOLIS.
[re=514307]steverino247[/re]: If the original was “The Whore of MENSA”, what the hell would they all the porn parody? Anyway, Radcliffe gets to show off his cack on stage in Equus, so the double-standard is so unfair here.
[re=514315]Mad Brahms[/re]: I was going to mention the walk on role Radcliffe’s penis had, but didn’t want Bob Barr to get too excited. I also wisely avoided any talk of wands because it’s just too obvious. However, the first time Ms. Watson’s naughty bits are shown on the screen, you just know some asshole in the theater is going to shout out, “50 points to Griffindor!”
Weaponus massus destructionus findus! *poof* Missionarius accomplishianus!
Will the army now have to throw accused service men into a lake to see if they float in order to determine wether or not they’re wizards?
[re=514307]steverino247[/re]: If you search through Google, you’ll find that the paparazzi has been able to take a bunch of photos of Emma Watson doing her best Paris Hilton impression. Sadly, since I’ve seen every movie that’s come out, I get a bit skeezed out on the idea of seeing a once cherubic 12 year olds’ breasts. Plus, I’m one of the few people who think Ginny is hotter.
[re=514329]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Ginny IS way hotter. She would get 100 points toward the House Cup. Emma just screwed up on the skirt length one evening and has been quoted (someplace) as being happy she was wearing undies so I don’t think there will be any repeats of that. Besides, she’d have to be filmed gargling cum on some yacht to get to the level of Ms. Hilton.
If you watch Hunt for Red October and then American Beauty, you can have the same reaction to Thora Birch. You’re welcome.
Well, it’s a nice story to balance out all those tales of fundamentalist extremist commanders in the Air Force Academy commanding their troops follow baby jesus or go to hell.
Witches! Pagans! Progress!
I guess this opens the way for Rielle Hunter’s Golden Love Child to enter the Air Force for her Bene Gesserit training.
I’ve heard they wriggle their nose in excrement.
Jesus and Earth Mother are both wussies. Military folk would do better praying to Odin.
Thankfully, they are all heterosexuals witches and warlocks.
Yes but if that commander claims to drink the blood of a magical Jewish carpenter, he’s aces!
[re=514176]Crank Tango[/re]: You guys are so naive and cute it should be illegal.
[re=514183]Chickensmack[/re]: sarah palin isn’t a good choice to lead a mattress turning.
and about as far from a ‘libertarian’ as is actually possible. i don’t know where this concept of dr paul libertarianism hails from (prolly dr paul) but real libertarians stand for no gov’t of any kind: yeah no taxes and federal structure – but also no laws prohibiting all the good shit: guns, drugs, prostitution, abortion.
stupid teabaggers. miss the good stuff.
As a heathan I’ve been waiting to comment all day(I can’t do it from my phone)! Though I like that don’t ask, don’t spell policy on some levels, I don’t think witches should be killing people, leave that to the Christians, they are really good at it, and they get some much pleasure out of it.
What a silly Negro this Bob Barr prat is….
[re=514121]Gorillionaire[/re]: I’d pub-hop with Uncle Arthur, but make my excuse to leave when he gets maudlin and grabby…
I dunno… If my C.O. was as cute as Elizabeth Montgomery back when she was riding the broom, I might be inclined to follow her just about anywhere.
[re=514822]heathenish[/re]: P.S. Try the new iPhone, my friend. Once you try one, you’ll never look back, or be out of touch with teh Wonkette, again… And you’re right about Christians being the best at brutality. The folks who made the Dark Ages dark make today’s Muslim extremists look like pikers.
Let me know when the Voudon priestesses start signing up. I’ll get in line right behind them.
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