Ha ha, well, this will surprise exactly no one, but: LARFS!!! Your most trusted news source in America, Fox News, has conducted a very important science-based poll regarding what should be done with captured Taliban news leader Mullah Baradar, and the respondents to this poll have opinions! They also have ideas that are either very creative or cribbed from the spec script for Saw XVIII! Let’s see what demonic torture tricks could be deployed by supersecret CIA contractors (Jack Bauer) in an underground Polish bunker, if only President Obama had the nads to authorize them.
- Knowing Obama, he’ll give a “RIGHTS” to these terrioist.
- Once interogated for 3months he should be taken to new york city and have his head chopped off on telivision as a message to them that we have the nads to do as they do when forced into defending our rights to exist, this i know most think causes them to mistreat our military but they mistreat them anyways so show some nads and let them know their heads can roll too. oohrah semper fi
- We should anesthetize him while he’s sleeping and implant a tracking microchip in his back. Then we should let him escape, but make it look unintentional. After that, we should monitor his location using the tracking chip, and see if he leads us to more important figures.
- Put him on public display dressed in clothing made from the skin of pigs. Then have the Messiah hire him as the new anti “man made disaster” czar
- I once had to get Novocaine shots between my toes and it hurt like a mother! Trust me….it would work like a charm.
Tipster “Tom” reports a few other choice suggestions: making him live with “my ex-wife” and “eating pulled pork burritos.” Which, come to think of it, sounds pretty awesome.
[Fox News]
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We should cover him with siemens!
If you really want to humiliate the guy, give him a talk show on Faux.
Or just put him in the middle of a crowd of White Olds waving around a bunch of homemade signs with the magic words GLENN BECK and FOX NEWS scribbled on them.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/16/us/politics/16teaparty.html?em
I love how the article uses the example of a person from Sandpoint “Nazi Country” Idaho as a bellwether of the Tea Party movement.
SKS, …Fox News, has conducted a very important science-based poll…
Shouldn’t that be science-debased poll? Those wiley FOXers are always appealing to da base, da base, and nuthin’ but debase.
OK, Torture Contest! Surely Wonketteers can come up with many wicked cruel approaches to the captivity and subjugation of this heathen.
How about they can do whatever they want to him as long as they do the same to Kieffer Sutherland and every other asshole that has anything to do with 24?
[re=514107]FlownOver[/re]: They mostly involve watching Glen Beck reruns.
Make him watch Hairy Reed try to get a bill through the Senate, although that punishment/interrogation method would violate every norm of human society.
You wanna torture the guy? Put him in a room with about two dozen teabaggers and tell him it’s his job to explain to the nice people how if we want to shrink the deficit we can’t cut taxes, and how if we want to cut taxes we can’t shrink the deficit. An afternoon of that and he’ll say anything to stop the pain.
Maybe we can involve the actual 24 in this and force him to repeatedly watch the show – but only the parts with Kim Bauer; or for this season, Starbuck and her redneck crook ex.
Make him viddy Fox News.
And the word is carnitas.
What is shocking to me is that, in this unscientific poll, only 15% of the respondents believe in lawful interrogation. Scary Americans.
Sell tickets to sodomites who each get a crack — yes, that’s a pun — at Mullah Baradar a la Marcellus Wallace but with a mini football (pigskin) stuffed in his mouth in lieu of a ball gag. Show this live on the internets so the next would-be terrorist in the Middle East can see what he has waiting for him if he takes up a gun.
Use the proceeds to pay down the national debt.
I would be in favor of chopping his head off on television (the Larry King show preferably) and then duct-taping a tracking microchip in its place, but a giant microchip that looks exactly like a human head, and also replacing his nads with a bomb, or maybe two bombs so nobody suspects anything, then sending him into a crowded market in Baghdad and showing them that we can play hard ball too.
…as I was saying before I hit that damn key accidentally — the ISI is certainly not to be trusted, but if they’ve given up an important Taliban guy to the Americans, then maybe even they’ve seen the writing on the wall and are preparing for a future after the Taliban’s defeat. Either that or Baradar is actually retired and of no value to them. Either way, the ISI is now more bipartisan than the GOP.
Tell him 75 of his available virgins watch Fox News.
No wait. That’s not possible.
I like the microchip suggestion. We could even record it for TV, like “Big Brother” or “The Amazing Race”, only with more *terror*! Ratings goldmine, I tell you. The episode where he reaches Osama’s sand-cave will be the greatest televised event since Geraldo opened Capone’s vault.
Or we could just, you know, adhere to international law, and take the high road. BOOOOOORING.
[re=514157]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Previous thread, of course. This internet is confusing.
Editor for Megan McCain’s new book?
At least it added up to 100% this time
Turn the army witches loose on him.
Sarah Palin reading Joe the Plumber’s book, while Megan McCain motorboats him.
[re=514199]thehighshelf[/re]: “The aristocrats!”
[re=514157]SayItWithWookies[/re]: The problem with the ISI is that there are so many competing interests *within* the organization, to say nothing of the competing and often opposing demands placed on it by other sections of the Pakistani government. It IS a coup that we managed to get him from them, but mostly because they were able to get their shit together for five minutes.
Of course everyone involved, Fox News included, ignores the fact that Baradar isn’t even OURS to torture. We’re getting the relevant intel passed along to us, but he’s Pakistan’s prisoner, so they’re the ones that need to grow some “nads” and chop his head off on a children’s TV show, while simultaneously electroding his balls and covering him with pig skin and pulled pork burritos.
[re=514157]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Given the fact that they’ve been passing along useful intelligence since they captured him, I’m guessing that it’s probably the former. Not that we should trust the sneaky bastards, but if they were still hedging, they were perfectly capable of scooping up a slightly lower-level schmuck or just not telling us anything about what Baradar said. That said, they MAY be getting everything that the asshole knows and settling for a cushy jail cell for the rest of his life, so he doesn’t tell everyone how much cash ISI has kicked his way over the years.
New Fox reader poll: How dumb are you?
======= exactly as dumb as a stump 18%
============= slightly dumber than a stump 26%
=============================== a whole lot dumber than a stump 54%
= unsure 2%
[re=514236]Zadig[/re]: they MAY be getting everything that the asshole knows and settling for a cushy jail cell for the rest of his life, so he doesn’t tell everyone how much cash ISI has kicked his way over the years.
I think it would be more ISI’s style to get everything he knows and then disappear him.
I say, give him gender reassignment surgery and send him back to Pushtunistan, in a nice sky-blue burka.
I’m surprised no one has yet noticed the shocking thing about this poll; the results actually add up to 100%. Are we sure this is Fox?
Didn’t Pakistan actually arrest him, as opposed to the US? I’m just putting that out there, because I am a buzzkill.
They could give him a “where’s the birf certikat?” sign and a hat with teabags stapled to it.
Then shoot him in the face.
After all, is this not supposed to be about sending a message to the enemies of the United States.
Sex change and repatriation!
[re=514319]AnglRdr[/re]: It is a FOX poll – the facts don’t matter.
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