Washington Post Is Now Chuck Lane’s Show

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Has the hilariously factless trope-goblin Chuck Lane, Washington Post editorial board member and off-and-on columnist, not yet been cemented as a Wonkette Character yet? Guy’s been on a tear! Here’s the deal: Chuck Lane is a Very Serious Centrist who sneers at the far-left legislative agenda of Barack Obama and is very concerned about the deficits and lack of tax cuts. Which is a shame, because he seemed such a moral, upstanding Journalist in the Very Serious movie about The New Republic. Turns out Peter Saarsgard is just a great actor of fictional roles of real people in movies, people who now write unintended comedy for the Washington Post. Small world! But on with the business of mocking something he wrote.

Chuck Lane, in his best impression of the 17-year-old who just finished his Atlas Shrugged Cliff’s Notes while simultaneously being gay for Evan Bayh:

Millions of Americans long to tell their bosses “take this job and shove it.” Hardly any have the power and money to do so, especially in these recessionary times. Sen. Evan Bayh (D) of Indiana, however, is the exception. His stunning retirement from the Senate is essentially a loud and emphatic “screw you” to President Obama and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. For months now, Bayh has been screaming at the top of his voice that the party needs to reorient toward a more popular, centrist agenda — one that emphasizes jobs and fiscal responsibility over health care and cap and trade. Neither the White House nor the Senate leadership has given him the response he wanted. Their bungling of what should have been a routine bipartisan jobs bill last week seems to have been the last straw.

Ah, got it: Frank Luntz must have given him one of his Mad-Libs templates and instructed him to fill it in with “economy-sounding words.” It’s a more fleshed-out money version of the foundational “[n***** n***** n***** n***** n***** n*****] THE LAST STRAW, DEMOCRATS!” rubric, which happens to be the only successful rubric in the last 50 years of American history.

Quitting the Senate was a no-lose move for the presidentially ambitious Bayh, since he can now crawl away from the political wreckage for a couple of years, plausibly alleging that he tried to steer the party in a different direction — and then be perfectly positioned to mount a centrist primary challenge to Obama in 2012, depending on circumstances.

At what point did Chuck Lane decide to argue the polar opposite of every time-tested political truth in in modern history, not to mention other basic facts about what Evan Bayh did and did not do? He actually uses the term “crawl away” to describe an action he considers appealing to voters.

“Depending on circumstances,” he writes.

“[FART FART FAT FART FART FART BLATHER WORDS DONKEY 'SPLOSION NO SPLAT FAP SSSSS GUMMY BEAR POTATO], depending on circumstances,” such as it is.

[Washington Post]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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68 comments

  1. Buzz Feedback

    PostFeedBack: Quick takes by Buzz Feedback

    Chuck Lane should go chomp an enormous sack o’ dikks.

  2. JMP

    Wait, should the Democrats reorient themselves to a more popular agenda, or a more “centrist” one? Since they are already to the right of the average American, the two are mutually exclusive.

    Ah, but I forgot that in the Washington post, popular means popular with Washington Post columnists, not with your average person. My bad.

  3. The Silver Fox

    Papa Broder has taught young grasshopper well. Centrism and moderation… centrism and moderation.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    Just one historical note, if the Demrat “centrists” were so powerful then why didn’t the Hilsbot win?

  5. Suds McKenzie

    Yes “Take this Congressional Seat and Restaff It!!,…. then pay me a million dollars a year to fondle your balls and call you Daddy.”

  6. WIDTAP

    “Quitting the Senate”

    Did I miss a second announcement where Bayh decided to leave immediately?

    Or is Lane just excited because he is confusing Bayh with Palin?

  7. qwerty42

    [re=513880]JMP[/re]: Wait, should the Democrats reorient themselves to a more popular agenda, or a more “centrist” one?…
    Well, this being the WaPo, I’m sure if Health Care Reform involved torturing teh brownz and going to war with Iran, it would be the bestest evah!!

  8. Lascauxcaveman

    Quitting to achieve success; brilliant idea, now proven effective by none other than Sarah Palin. Only this: I don’t think anyone is going to buy his book and he’s ostensibly the wrong sex to appeal to Sara’s big tent crowd of racist, middle aged, male 23 percenters.

  9. Come here a minute

    Barack Obama is in no way, shape, or form the “boss” of any senator.

    Chuck Lane must have been very happy that the snowbilly grifter decided to show her great leadership skill and crawl away,

  10. JeffGoldblum

    So are we voting for Lieberman/Bayh in 2012 or not? I heard that these deficits and taxes and the blacks plus other things are getting out of hand, which is not American. TELL ME WHAT TO THINK!!!1

  11. artbot2000

    Was this cretin by any chance an advisor to the insanely successful Rudy Giuliani campaign? The last inert Rudi campaign, that is; not the current one.

  12. Ducksworthy

    Found this on the wapo site:

    MOVE TO THE CENTER MEANS BE MORE REPUBLICAN, ISN’T IT? OUR CORPORATE SERVILE MEDIA CAN’T GET TIRED TELLING US THAT OBAMA IS FAILING BECAUSE HE IS NOT CENTRIST ENOUGH. THIS A LIE F…ING RETARDED PEOPLE. OBAMA FAILED BECAUSE HE MOVED TO THE STUPID CENTRIST REPUBLICAN IDEOLOGY AND STILL GOT REJECTED BY THE RACIST PARTY.

    This bluelagoon21 person may be onto something. Servile media? I’m afraid that’s not quite strong enough for on the one hand on the other hand freaks but this Chuck Lane person is obviously just another paid propagandist of the drug and coal companies.

  13. Hooray For Anything

    Hearing a Senator lament partisanship on both sides and then blame extremists in their party (or more like “extremists” on the left) is to Washington pundits what the Jonas Brothers is to a NAMBLA convention– something that induces Olympic quality fapping. The fact that Bayh was by all means a worthless hack living off of his daddy’s name means nothing.

  14. JMP

    [re=513884]The Silver Fox[/re]: I think the average Washington Post editorial page interview requires goes like this:

    Q: Do you think America needs to bomb and torture more brown people?
    Q: Bipartisanship! [Wait ten seconds] Now, do you have a boner?

    A “yes” to one or both questions is required for hiring. I’d say the second severely limits the options for women, but well, since they don’t have a women writing it’s pretty self-evident.

  15. artbot2000

    Also, the Post is now like a kid who picks up a dog turd and then starts filling his pockets with them because, what the hell, it’s a collection.

  16. SmutBoffin

    Mutherfukk. We are living in a nation of un- and marginally-employed people, and this dumbshit gets away with this at his job?

    “Okay, there’s this issue right? And people are divided over it. One side will carry the legislative argument, the other will lose. This is the part that ‘depends on the circumstances’. I could help my readers understand the issues, but I don’t have to, because I write shit about the reasonable, centrist, conventional wisdom.

    So: SUCK. ON. THIS.”

  17. V572625694

    [re=513900]qwerty42[/re]: It’s like the old Jules Feiffer cartoon of Eisenhower saying, “We must take a centrist position between those who want to integrate the schools and those who want to blow them up.”

  18. Red Zeppelin

    [re=513917]weejee[/re]: As a former Hoosier, I strongly believe that the blandness of their food produces a similar intellectual blandness.

  19. BlueStateLibtard

    He’s right, the American people love quitters. They would have loved George Washington even more if he had just quit and surrendered to the British. Let Bayh crawl away for a couple of years, make tons of cash as a lobbyist, and he will definitely be a U.S. president.

  20. SmutBoffin

    [re=513917]weejee[/re]: “Hoosier thinking may be is impaired by…”

    …the fact that books aren’t allowed in Indiana.

    Once, while spending time with a Special Lady Friend in Indianapolis, I went out looking for a bookstore. THEY DON’T EXIST. IN INDIANAPOLIS. I eventually found a Half-Price Books, but every single book in it was about the Bible (and the codes that supposedly exist in the Bible).

  21. JMP

    [re=513920]Red Zeppelin[/re]: Or it could be that having the state’s only claim to fame be a bunch of cars driving around in circles for hours on end leads to a natural state of boredom.

  22. Snarkalicious

    As a teenager in Southern Michicgan, the only real use we had for Indiana was as a source cheap smokes and Everclear. Now as a (notional) adult, I live in Illinois, but outside of Chicago, so the smokes cost the same, and I can get Everclear right next door. It is in that spirit that I say fuck Evan Bayh and the horsefuckers he rode in on.

  23. HipHopOpotamus

    I’m honestly finding Women’s Olympic Curling more interesting than the diarrhea this Lane is letting loose. Figures, though. The other Lane I know reads Ann Coulter and Glenn Beck. and not for humor.

  24. Red Zeppelin

    [re=513932]JMP[/re]: But that would mean that every state that has a NASCAR track would be similarly retarded. Oh, wait, I can see that.

  25. lochnessmonster

    I don’t think he’s telling Obama and Reid to stuff it, I think he’s saying that to the people of Indiana…THEY are the ones who hired him not Obama or Reid.

  26. Mad Brahms

    Could’ve saved himself a few hundred words in that column and simply written “BAYH GOES GALT!”

  27. BeWoot

    What I like about Bayh are the same things I like about Palin. (1) He’s got a purty mouth. (2) She’s a centrist.

  28. Zadig

    [re=513913]JMP[/re]: If you get a hard-on after the FIRST question, you’re too good for WaPo. It’s the Weekly Standard for you.

  29. boatapple

    [re=513940]Snarkalicious[/re]: Ha, I used to run an illegal cigarette smuggling operation out of the University of Chicago. Our supplier was in some shit-hole called “Michigan City.” Still can’t decide if it was worth the trouble.

  30. Georgia Burning

    “Centerist” means “considered ineffectual harmless by both sides”

    Didn’t Harry Truman say that when the voters have a choice between a Republican and a Democrat who talks like a Republican, they pick the Republican every time?

  31. S.Luggo

    “There will be those Democrats who bid good riddance to Bayh and his coal-burning-state apostasy”

    What’s Chuck talking about? When I lived in Indiana, we used to burn cow-pies. And Jews.

  32. S.Luggo

    [re=513946]doxastic[/re]: Point.

    Ev’s lawyer wife needs him to carry her briefcase to all her board meetings. It’s getting too damn loaded down with free pens and coffee mugs and its likened to cause her an inverted uterus.

  33. Long Form Def Certificate

    [re=513951]lochnessmonster[/re]: Voters, those plebes, especially from the REAL ‘MERKIN HEARTLAND, OF HEARTLAND VALUES LIKE THRIFT, CHASTITY, AND LOW MELANIN CONTENT, don’t really matter to the people writing for WAPO. Oh, they pitch themselves as admiring of the sticks, but the writers would really prefer an apartheid state, the REAL ‘MERKINS in something like RSA townships/US Indian reservations mixed up with zoologic parks. “Look at the bubbas”, they could advise their children on a carfari, “see how hard they work to allow us to lean back in our leather chairs at Starbucks, drinking half caf lattes & reading Don Delillo? Aren’t they great?”

    Yes, that is how the WAPO hawks see me… I mean, them.

    Me? I’m from Milwaukee. So, my whole life must be like an episode of Happy Days. (By & by, Leon’s — the basis for the diner on the show — sucks ass. & the owner is a rabid neocon. So, no, I really hope my life isn’t like that.)

  34. Librul-n-LuvinIt

    I especially loved this quote from his reasons for quitting:

    He cited the Senate’s recent failure to pass legislation that would have created a deficit reduction commission as evidence of what he characterized as a broken political system.

    Translation:
    Because it’s so obvious that if we can’t outsource our fucking responsibility to balance the budget ourselves so none of us can be blamed for the economic bomb it sets off, Congress clearly isn’t working as intended. also, too.

  35. Jukesgrrl

    [re=513912]Hooray For Anything[/re]: ! [re=513913]JMP[/re]: ! [re=513914]artbot2000[/re]: ! [re=513917]weejee[/re]: ! As they say in New Jersey, youse are on fahre!

  36. Mad Brahms

    [re=513998]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]: Yeah, but Leon’s came after the show, so don’t blame Winkler & Co. And they’re hardly the worst thing conservative to come out of our town – oh, no, that would be the Bradley Foundation.

    Milwaukeeans unite!

  37. llibra

    I am a Hoosier liberal (we do exist), who has been growing increasingly disgusted with ol’ Evan. I’ve just been waiting for him to vote against health care reform so I could write him a nasty letter.I finally quit calling his office to voice my support for bills he then voted against. This DINO evidently doesn’t realize the significance of Indiana’s going for Obama in 2008.

  38. Hooray For Anything

    Springsteen would win in a landslide but lose his blue collar base when they realize all those songs about how we should help blue collar people actually means he thinks the government should do a whole bunch of things to help blue collar people. Bon Jovi might have more easy of a time as Senator, though, because he’s seen a million people and rocked them on.

  39. BarackMyWorld

    “centrist agenda — one that emphasizes jobs and fiscal responsibility over health care and cap and trade”

    Ahem…

    JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHY THE FUCK IS MONEY MORE IMPORTANT THAN PUBLIC HEALTH AND CLEAN AIR? IF HE CARES SO MUCH ABUT JOBS, WHY THE FUCK DID HE INSIST OF SCALING BACK THE OBAMA STIMULUS PACKAGE? WHAT THE FUCK SHORT TERM IMPACT DOES HE THINK REDUCING THE DEFICIT IS GOING TO HAVE ON THE ECONOMY? WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T BAYH GIVE A SHIT ABOUT FUCKING FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY WHEN HE WAS VOTING FOR THE IRAQ WAR AND KEEPING THE BUSH TAX CUTS? SHIT FUCKING CHRIST THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD HAS GONE FUCKING MAD GOD DAMN IT!

    *sigh*

  40. Hooray For Anything

    [re=514032]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Ooops. This should have gone in the other post, Jersey related post where it would have been hilarious. Here? Not so much. Stupid amyl nitrates

  41. the problem child

    Can I just say, as an Indiana voter, that I think that removing this bluedog sludge incumbent from the equation means that I now feel like I have options? They may be embarrassing options, but at least they aren’t Bayh Watch bad.

  42. the problem child

    [re=514042]the problem child[/re]: Well, really, only the “option” the dem machine gives me, but really, how bad could that be, comparatively speaking?

  43. CanadianBacon

    So now the true American hero succeeds by quiting. The remake of Rocky will show him laying on the canvas, not trying to get up. There will be a scene of him running halfway up the monument, then sitting down. The new saying for success will be, “If at first you don’t succeed, quit.” Everyone at the Alamo will be remembered as a bunch of liberals because they didn’t quit.

  44. snideinplainsight

    “Take this job and shove it”? That’s exactly what he said to Obama, because Obama created the rules of the Senate, and the running gridlock, and the endless obstructionism by a minority that has apparently forgotten to represent actual people and their concerns. It’s all Obama’s fault. Boy, that Bayh guy sure showed him.

  45. Mad Brahms

    [re=514050]CanadianBacon[/re]: I think it’s more accurate to say “if you are a modest if unremarkable success, quit”, so Rocky would be seen defeating a reigning high school champion before quitting.

  46. scooterKPFT

    “and then be perfectly positioned to mount a demon sheep challenge to Obama in 2012, depending on the sheep.”

  47. Mad Brahms

    [re=514060]scooterKPFT[/re]: I read right up to “mount a demon sheep” and stopped, which is probably most accurate, honestly.

  48. desertwind

    After years of passive-aggressive Blue Dawgish dog crap, he’s finally drawing a line in the sand.

    FU my party’s historically elected president! FU my party majority in house and senate! FU Senate!

    I’m gonna run for governor or president or school chancellor or write a book or start my own consulting business or.

    Be my own boss! Thought’ll show you.

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