And Melting Ice Cap Mountain Tops For You

  daily briefing
  • For a special treat, some reporters were allowed to eat food at the King of Saudi Arabia’s golden tent palace, when Hillary Clinton was there, and oh man so much food, it was crazy. Never seen so much food, plus like three kinds of tea, and dessert, and the teevee was showing Saudi off-road NASCAR during dinner, just so awesome. [Reuters]
  • Everybody’s so creeped out by “Gmail Buzz” that Google is very quickly turning off various creepoid features that let everybody you’ve ever exchanged a single email with know literally everything about you, even when you poop or think bad thoughts about Jesus. [Wall Street Journal]
  • “Men are twice as likely to take the condom off midway through sex due to a poor fit, a poll of 436 in Sexually Transmitted Infections journal reveals.” You dudes are doing it wrong. [BBC News]
  • Your liberal boyfriend Barack Obama has ordered more robot-death-plane attacks on people during his first year in office than George W. Bush did in eight years. [Sydney Morning Herald]
  • Officials in the Metro DC area very rudely suggested that maybe people could shovel some of their own goddamned snow. [Washington Post]
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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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28 comments

  1. Canmon (the Inadequate)

    “Men are twice as likely to take the condom off midway through sex due to a poor fit”

    Twice as likely as whom?

  2. JMP

    Uh, the snow was Wednesday. That’s almost a week ago. Man, I thought we were bad about removing snow; hell, our schools were closed Friday, and that’s just sad; but at least we’re not so pathetic that some schools are STILL closed today. That’s beyond sad.

    But yeah, fuck people who don’t shovel their sidewalks. Maybe the District and suburbs should move ahead with fining those assholes, though, instead of just asking nicely.

  3. UncleTom

    The condom problem certainly results from teenie-peenie guys buying Trojan Magnums. They are rattling around like the last pickle in the jar.

  4. the problem child

    And puh-lease! Kids can’t handle the snowy sidewalks? The same kids who have been busily building snow forts and snowmen and Al Gore’s new residence?

  5. bhosp

    “Your liberal boyfriend Barack Obama has ordered more robot-death-plane attacks on people during his first year in office than George W. Bush did in eight years.”

    He learned from The Phantom Menace; when taxation is in dispute, deploy the Droid Army.

  6. Potater

    [re=513338]Canmon (the Inadequate)[/re]: Women, I guess. Can any ladies here attest to their condoms not fitting snuggly on their…lady parts?

  7. Tundra Grifter

    “UK experts said men should know condoms came in different shapes and sizes.” Nobody’s going to walk into a store and buy a package of “extra smalls.”

    Men’s belts are sold in sizes that equal your waist plus 2. This is stupid. Why make it sound worse than it already is? Make it sound better!

    Condom sizes should, basically, be lies. “Medium” would be the small; “Louisville Slugger” would be the medium; “The Screamer” would be the large, etc. and like that…

  8. Diana Davies

    [re=513341]UncleTom[/re]: I thought condoms only came in L, XL and Hung Like a Horse, since no self-respecting stud would buy teeny-weeny.

  9. Terry

    “Your liberal boyfriend Barack Obama has ordered more robot-death-plane attacks on people during his first year in office than George W. Bush did in eight years.”

    Fine and good, but Sarah says he can’t be viewed as tough unless he invades Iran. She’s know, what, with all that foreign policy experience. I wonder if she can spell “foreign”?

  10. Barcode of the Apocalypse

    The Saudis had desert after the main meal? They’ve got more desert than oil — no big deal.

  11. coolcatdaddy

    “Men are twice as likely to take the condom off midway through sex due to a poor fit, a poll of 436 in Sexually Transmitted Infections journal reveals.”

    That’s what happens when you wiggle it around in there.

    “Everybody’s so creeped out by “Gmail Buzz” that Google is very quickly turning off various creepoid features that let everybody you’ve ever exchanged a single email with know literally everything about you, even when you poop or think bad thoughts about Jesus.”

    I don’t know about everyone else, but I welcome this new level of protection from disharmony provided by our Chinese creditor overlords.

  12. ManchuCandidate

    [re=513352]Tundra Grifter[/re]:
    True, but they should have categorize them by the car men drive. H2/SUV = small, normal car = regular, Drives Yugo and doesn’t give a shit = Humungo.

  13. freakishlystrong

    Officials in the Metro DC area very rudely suggested that maybe people could shovel some of their own goddamned snow.

    The Founding Fathers would not approve. “Patriots” don’t shovel snow, they shovel bullshit.

  14. Monsieur Grumpe

    I’m making my own robot plane of death. So far I have a Radio Shack battery powered toy plane with some Wisconsin firecrackers attached to the wings. The dog that keeps crapping in my yard won’t know what hit him.

  15. Hello Sunshine

    [re=513352]Tundra Grifter[/re]: Maybe they could go with Starbucks sizes, that way even the smallest man could feel good about himself when asking for a “tall” condom. Grande sounds especially impressive, although vente does sound like it’s full of hole.

  16. plowman

    [re=513363]ManchuCandidate[/re]: What a brilliant insight you have there, I drive a 10 year old station wagon and most condoms are just too damn tight…

  17. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Why is removing the snow so difficult. Snowflakes are light and fluffy little things. You should be able to floof the snow away by waving your hand or blowing at it. Sheesh!

    (Yes, I said “floof”. Fuck you.)

  18. JMP

    [re=513363]ManchuCandidate[/re]: And Hummer = microscopic. But those of us without a car? Hmm, I suppose that would be porn-star monster size.

  19. Prommie

    [re=513353]Diana Davies[/re]: Yes, in this respect condoms are like shrimp, which start with “large” and proceed through “extra jumbo” to “humongous.”

    O the times, O the mores, I tell you, are you young whippersnappers even aware that your 11.5 ounce can of coffee used to be a pound? For the love of sweet, suffering Jesus, I just bought a half-gallon of OJ that was only 58 fucking ounces, the message on the outside advised me that this was the great new “convenient size, easier to pour, easier to store.”

    There are two penis sizes that are even smaller than “Hummer,” they are “Donzi,” and the very smallest of all, “Fountain.”

  20. lawrenceofthedesert

    Guys, you’re just not thinking; buy the small condom, and she (or he) will be so impressed that you’re too big. (Better avoid singing “It’s Not the Meat, It’s the Motion,” however.)

  21. Lascauxcaveman

    Barack Obama has ordered more robot-death-plane attacks on people during his first year in office than George W. Bush did in eight years.

    He just really, really hates Afghan weddings.

  22. S.Luggo

    Lobster & shrimp + NASCAR on the tube during the nosh. What? I guess Saudis weren’t expecting any visitors from Tel Aviv.

  23. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    And to think, I just cancelled my subscription to Sexually Transmitted Infections after only half the issues.

Comments are closed.