Mitch McConnell Is Very Sad His Chief Of Staff Is Leaving!

by Sara K. Smith

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell looks pretty much exactly like the grandmother from Little Red Riding Hood, minus the sexy bonnet. He cried, on the Senate floor, about his longtime chief of staff quitting to “spend more time with his family.” This is very undignified, this weeping! Who does this? Who does this in public? Over staff turnover? [Political Ticker]

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Gopherit February 12, 2010 at 12:35 pm

I guess he knew how to quit Mitch.

Doglessliberal February 12, 2010 at 12:36 pm

well, the staffer is leaving because his wife discovered he and Mitch were more than just friends, so Mitch is sad, and the staffer now needs to go pretend to be born again to make his gayness go away.

Come here a minute February 12, 2010 at 12:37 pm

Pls post Ken’s weepy video tribute to Juli.

An Outhouse February 12, 2010 at 12:37 pm

“He cried, on the Senate floor, … Who does this?”

Big tough Republicans and closeted gay men.

Sharkey February 12, 2010 at 12:37 pm

He should get that white discoloration above his lip looked into.

ManchuCandidate February 12, 2010 at 12:38 pm

“Is it so wrong to feel?”

Yes. For a bunch of supposed he-men, the GOPers do spend a lot of time crying.

One Yield Regular February 12, 2010 at 12:40 pm

Wow. Has Patricia Schroeder seen this yet?

DickTaterPeeNoShay February 12, 2010 at 12:44 pm

[re=512168]An Outhouse[/re]: Ah, but your repeat yourself

smitallica February 12, 2010 at 12:45 pm

Poor guy. He cried his chin and spine off.

Larry McAwful February 12, 2010 at 12:45 pm

I’d laugh, but I’m still weeping about Juli.

V572625694 February 12, 2010 at 12:46 pm

2:26: Never forget! Eighteen minutes? Are you kidding? No one can stand this jerk for more than 0:30.

[re=512177]One Yield Regular[/re]: Ha ha! Pat was my congresscritter for many a year. Quite enjoyable! And totally ineffective. But she wore a bunny suit on the Great Wall of China on Easter.

VaWyo February 12, 2010 at 12:47 pm

Glenn Beck has made it cool for closeted gay republicans to cry. I wonder how well this will go over in the bluegrass state?

RoscoePColtraine February 12, 2010 at 12:47 pm

Right around the 7:15 mark is where it starts sounding like a eulogy. And I’m talking about the verbiage, not the weeping.

FlownOver February 12, 2010 at 12:49 pm

McConnell is crying about the loss of his opportunity to take his penis and put it in the rectum of another man and wriggle it around in excrement.

Radiotherapy February 12, 2010 at 12:50 pm

Talk about wriggling in excrement!

abdcist February 12, 2010 at 12:51 pm

according to, “Simmons was a key architect behind the GOP’s decision to serve as a mainly unified block obstructing President Obama’s legislation during his first year in office.”

so there’s that

Nappied Hypotenuse February 12, 2010 at 12:51 pm

18:00?!!?! Unless ghost of Paul Wellstone rises from the desk behind him and rips off McConnell’s head, I cannot watch 18 minutes of this fucker.

Buzz Feedback February 12, 2010 at 12:53 pm

More time w/family = copious amounts of trucker speed + butt seks.

abdcist February 12, 2010 at 12:53 pm

according to the internets “Simmons was a key architect behind the GOP’s decision to serve as a mainly unified block obstructing President Obama’s legislation during his first year in office.”

so there’s that

Prommie February 12, 2010 at 12:53 pm

When a US Senator has a sad, this is a situation of momentous concern to all the world, and certainly worthy of a speech.

TGY February 12, 2010 at 12:56 pm

Is he on the take from Kleenex or what?

humenahumena February 12, 2010 at 1:03 pm

Kyle Simmons ranks right up there with static cling

Escape Goat Nation February 12, 2010 at 1:06 pm

I cry when I watch, “Brian’s Song”

gjdodger February 12, 2010 at 1:08 pm

Says here Kyle “W. Kyle” Simmons is leaving to spend more time with other people’s money.

Dashboard_Buddha February 12, 2010 at 1:09 pm

Obligatory late comment about missing that sweet sweet penis in excrement action.

boyhowdy February 12, 2010 at 1:12 pm

When a man is sad in the Senate for AGES about a staff change, but spends all of the rest of his time absolutely screwing, in a hateful way, all of the regular American people, then that man is a–oh shit, he’s just a crappy-old-man Republican.

widestanceromancer February 12, 2010 at 1:14 pm

Why does he always sound like he just caught someone smoking cigarettes and is about to ground them for a week?

SayItWithWookies February 12, 2010 at 1:19 pm

Mitch cries every time a good staffer pulls out.

Cicada February 12, 2010 at 1:23 pm

Mitch McConnell’s “chin” looks like a quivering scrotum when he cries. It’s hypnotic.

Lascauxcaveman February 12, 2010 at 1:26 pm

[re=512205]abdcist[/re]: “Simmons was a key architect behind the GOP’s decision to serve as a mainly unified block obstructing President Obama’s legislation during his first year in office.”

My better angels tell me that as a result of this, he somehow suddenly acquired a conscious and resigned with a strong sense of shame, determined to do no more harm.

(My better angels don’t have a very good record, when it comes to Republican pols.)

glamourdammerung February 12, 2010 at 1:28 pm

I do not cry when I get turned down for sex.

Chin up, Mitch.

Oh, wait, nevermind.

WadISay February 12, 2010 at 1:29 pm

The Dems should grow a paid and filibuster this shit.

Red Zeppelin February 12, 2010 at 1:33 pm

Breaking sex scandal in 3…2…1

Barcode of the Apocalypse February 12, 2010 at 1:34 pm

[re=512167]Come here a minute[/re]: I never thought to videotape my weeping, when I read the news. Duh!

snoidoid February 12, 2010 at 1:39 pm

[re=512263]Red Zeppelin[/re]: That’s right. Repubs only resign, using the “weekly excuse”, SSMTWTF, because they are about to cash in or get caught in a huge, disgusting, hypocritical scandal.

artbot2000 February 12, 2010 at 1:57 pm

Todays, we are all wriggling in excrement.

lawrenceofthedesert February 12, 2010 at 2:01 pm

What, no banjo?

teebob2000 February 12, 2010 at 2:49 pm

“Mr President, be it resolved that I am a pantload.”

“Without objection.”

Mr Blifil February 12, 2010 at 2:51 pm

18 minutes of Mitch? But you’re telling me he cried? I’ll take it on faith.

But, wait, he’s against gay marriage, when he’s so demonstrably a fag?

qaf February 12, 2010 at 3:10 pm

Hey now ev’rybody, for certain they use condoms when wriggling etc, because they need to be sure there aren’t any offspring.

What Fresh Hell is This? February 12, 2010 at 3:21 pm

I must respectfully disagree with your opening line: “Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell looks pretty….”

J February 12, 2010 at 3:50 pm

Is Mitch trying out for the role of Rick Santorum’s daughter?

bitchincamaro February 12, 2010 at 4:04 pm

I love it when pols have to read every fucking written word of their extremely heartfelt sentiments regarding whatever. Stop your crying, Bitch.

What Fresh Hell is This? February 12, 2010 at 4:10 pm

Bloody hell, it’s a Valentine’s Day tribute!

house of the blue lights February 12, 2010 at 4:13 pm

Does anyone in Washington ever quit “to get a better job?” Who the hell quits a job to spend time with their families? For that matter, in what universe do people spend time with their families. Or want to? Or have families that want them. I always translate that as “to spend more time with my wife’s lawyer.”

lochnessmonster February 12, 2010 at 5:36 pm

This is not the People’s business…this is a personnel matter. I am mad this guy is wasting our money and time when they should be working on health care…

canadians for pussy February 12, 2010 at 5:40 pm

what a fucking pussie and not the good kind.

Smoke Filled Roommate February 12, 2010 at 7:36 pm

Wow, a humble “country bumpkin just trying to pay his ‘lectric bill” turns into a Republican. How bout that. Must have been the golf.

leaveskoalrebelalone February 12, 2010 at 10:36 pm

i wish i could go ‘inglorious basterd’ on mitch mcconnell on the floor of the senate. that would make youtube bigtime!

CanadianBacon February 12, 2010 at 11:23 pm

Mitch is crying because Simmons is leaving to spend more time with his family, Mitch’s family.It’s like a scene out of Talladega Nights. Simmons probably called Mitch from the hot tub just before the speech.

wallythepug February 13, 2010 at 6:35 am

I hope Kentucky’s proud of this closeted Married Mary they elected again. I live just across the river so I was subjected his re-election radio ads bragging on how much pork he brought home to his state. Please, Kentucky, pull your collective head out of your collective ass next time and vote for someone with a chin.

Veritas78 February 13, 2010 at 11:57 pm

How embarrassing. Aren’t senators supposed to wipe the cum off their lips before prancing onto the floor?

Fortunately, Scott Brown’s turgid staff will soon bring tears of joy to Mitch, and next week it will be “Kyle Who?”

Dashboard_Buddha February 14, 2010 at 11:39 am

DADT, Mitch.

Weeping Jesus February 14, 2010 at 8:21 pm

They have the edited-down version on youtube, but it’s with Richard Simmons and the one guy from American Idol. Same amount of, you know, wriggling, wiggling, excrement like a champagne cork exploding action. It’s under “two staffers, one cup”.

RayinDC February 14, 2010 at 8:34 pm

Now instead of “Don’t Cry for me Argentina” we have “Don’t Cry for Kyle, Mitch McConnell.”

McConnell won’t have to be without Kyle anyway, since he’s only moving down the street to become a GOP lobbyist (making much more money than now but essentially doing the same thing — promoting corporate interests rather than those of the American people).

If only McConnell could dig up some emotion for the American people, about whom he doesn’t seem to be nearly as concerned.

Read my attack poem of the latter title, listen to Madonna’s rendition of the original song, and check out my new alternate lyrics at

Please leave comments to let me know what you think.

Beanball February 14, 2010 at 11:25 pm

Hey! That’s Al Franken acting as president of the Senate! How does that happen?

villageatrois February 16, 2010 at 4:40 am

Hey I believe the guy. When your boss is in the minority party and trailing a primary opponent, you just miss you family sooooo much.

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