THESE ARE THE RULES  3:46 pm February 11, 2010

Gay Men And Lesbians Can Serve, But None Of Those Rotten Homosexuals!

by Jim Newell

Infer what you will from this latest polling of Dumb America. Probably the simplest and therefore most correct explanation is, “Whoa shit, lesbians! Nice!!” [CBS News]

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


Come here a minute February 11, 2010 at 3:54 pm

What was the percentage for fags and dykes?

martinette February 11, 2010 at 3:54 pm

I understand that “Fur Traders” and “Wide-Stancers” scored off the charts.

Monsieur Grumpe February 11, 2010 at 3:54 pm

You know, if it was different by a few points I wouldn’t be surprised. 2% to 30%! Who are they polling?

gurukalehuru February 11, 2010 at 3:56 pm

14% of Americans don’t know what the word gay means. Probably because U.S. Americans don’t have dictionaries, such as.

Harvey Birdman February 11, 2010 at 3:56 pm

Sodomites and feminists?

Pithaughn February 11, 2010 at 3:58 pm

Silly Wonks, homosexuals have wierd disgusting sex and are trying to recruit children. Gays and Lesbians design sets and costumes for the local community theater.

pub_option February 11, 2010 at 4:01 pm

Does ‘homosexual’ sound too elitist to the red state rednecks?

Crank Tango February 11, 2010 at 4:02 pm

is this like Chris Rock’s bit about loving black people and hating N’s?

Dumptruck February 11, 2010 at 4:10 pm

What, nothing about scissor fighters and pillow biters?

Woodwards Friend February 11, 2010 at 4:10 pm

Nation of retards.

charlesdegoal February 11, 2010 at 4:11 pm

Fear of sex and most of all anal penetration. Why We Are (Were) in Vietnam and now perhaps why we are in Iraq and Afghanistan. Nobody fucks (with) American!

hedgehog February 11, 2010 at 4:12 pm

As a red-blooded straight male, I completely understand this — I could never say no to lesbians.

SayItWithWookies February 11, 2010 at 4:13 pm

The weirdest part about this is that the two columns of numbers each add up to the same amount — 86%. Which means that the only ones not confused by the nomenclature are the undecideds. Okay, now I have a headache.

teebob2000 February 11, 2010 at 4:17 pm

How about rug-munchers and sword-swallowers?

pampl February 11, 2010 at 4:18 pm

[re=511553]martinette[/re]: they really should have seen how those terms stacked up against Carpet Muncher and Ass Pirate

teebob2000 February 11, 2010 at 4:18 pm

Or “female athletes” and “confirmed bachelors”?

Citizen Kitteh February 11, 2010 at 4:23 pm

I’m suspecting that when “homosexuals” is used, most people are thinking solely of gay men. But when “gay men and lesbians” is used, it reminds people that women are being affected by DADT as well.

inedalo February 11, 2010 at 4:24 pm

if they asked the Q this way: “should TEH GAYS who are patriotic god-loving americans want to defend their country by serving in the military, would you support this?” the wouid get closer to 86% of americans supporting this, incl. rednecks from all the red states.
n.b.- I am former Census Bureau employee and know how to write these damn questionnaires…

Holy Cow!! February 11, 2010 at 4:30 pm

What, no gay-feminist-abortionist?

WadISay February 11, 2010 at 4:31 pm

If you asked, should known thespians be permitted in combat units, you would probably get about the same results.

TGY February 11, 2010 at 4:33 pm

[re=511594]Citizen Kitteh[/re]: Good rationale.

Today, we are all socially acceptable carpet-munchers.

One Yield Regular February 11, 2010 at 4:34 pm

Is there a Kinsey scale for stupidity?

weejee February 11, 2010 at 4:37 pm

[re=511586]teebob2000[/re]: [re=511589]pampl[/re]: Haven’t carpets given way to hardwood?

Hooray For Anything February 11, 2010 at 4:37 pm

[re=511590]teebob2000[/re]: “women’s softball player” vs. “broadway musical enthusiast”

JMP February 11, 2010 at 4:38 pm

[re=511594]Citizen Kitteh[/re]: It’s also not surprising because middle American morans know from their stereotypes that gay men are all mincing weaklings who can’t fight; but lesbians are all big, butch muscular athletes who you’d want on a battlefield.

dijetlo February 11, 2010 at 4:41 pm

Heterosexual men love lesbians. They understand us. They are our sisters-in-arms in the endless struggle between the sexes.
Think of it this way, what other woman ever has to say
‘Yes I love you, yes I respect you. Now, just shut up and put it in your mouth’
I think we ought to start referring to all homosexuals as “lesbians”, it’ll solve our equality problems lickity split

thejesusandmarycheney February 11, 2010 at 4:43 pm

You don’t want to see the integration version of this poll, from 1946.

BigDupa February 11, 2010 at 4:44 pm

“Would you be ok if Rosie O’Donnell or Larry Craig were fighting in Iraq?”

TGY February 11, 2010 at 4:46 pm

[re=511622]dijetlo[/re]: Yes, ‘male lesbians’. Good call.

Third-hand Smoke February 11, 2010 at 4:47 pm

[re=511615]JMP[/re]: That’s surprisingly believable.

comicbookguy February 11, 2010 at 4:48 pm

I bet if the enemy saw Rosie O’Donnell charging up that hill with bayonet fixed and full-throated battle cry, we’d win this war.

Larry Craig would be hiding in the barracks men’s room.

natteringnabomb February 11, 2010 at 4:48 pm

Fudge packers and Bush lovers

cj4 February 11, 2010 at 4:53 pm

[re=511622]dijetlo[/re]: “Lickity split”? I see what you did there.

Extemporanus February 11, 2010 at 4:53 pm

[re=511583]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Blacks represent nearly 14% of the U.S. population. Coincidence? To believe so would be dangerously naïve, and display a self-defeating sense of ignorance.

First, it was Prop 8. Now, this poll. I’m loathe to even imagine what they might target next.

Why do those people hate those people so much? Why can’t those people all just get along, in the butt or the vagina or the ear or wherever it is that non-black homosexual lesbians stick things for the sole enjoyment of masturbating males?

Wanda Sykes, the wholly symbolic sense of raco-sexual harmony evoked by your dyke-y black ass is needecd as never before! Spit out that dental dam! Unplug that drilldo! Get that fist out of your cock locker!

Heed the call, Wanda! Your retarded fucking homophobic racist nation needs you!

Extemporanus February 11, 2010 at 4:57 pm

[re=511610]weejee[/re]: That but one reason why my penis is nicknamed “Pledge”.

El Pinche February 11, 2010 at 5:01 pm

Bill Hicks did this bit years ago on the grade school books, Daddy’s New Roommate and My Two Mommies. But it was a joke , not a poll for retards.

BlueStateLibtard February 11, 2010 at 5:03 pm

A poll demonstrating how stupid and illiterate Americans are. Nice.

Mr Blifil February 11, 2010 at 5:04 pm

The Poll That Dare Not Speak It’s Meme

Darkness February 11, 2010 at 5:05 pm

America is fucking retarded.

dijetlo February 11, 2010 at 5:08 pm

[re=511633]TGY[/re]: It’s a just a question of marketing, I’m surprised nobody thought of it before. As we’ve learned from conservatives, the de-clarification of the English language is often the key to getting what you want.
Consider for a moment Chinese has no pronoun for him or her, just a generic “them” so when you look at it on that level, we’d just be currying favor with our Overlords.

[re=511641]cj4[/re]: Sometimes, you have to give to get.

Darkness February 11, 2010 at 5:09 pm

[re=511582]hedgehog[/re]: What? Say no to hot muddy trench girl on girl action?

Ducksworthy February 11, 2010 at 5:11 pm

[re=511562]Pithaughn[/re]: In Ameruka branding is everthin. Gays and Lesbians ok, Faggots and Dykes not so much. Also Articulate Black Man, good KenyanSocialistMuslin, bad

lawrenceofthedesert February 11, 2010 at 5:13 pm

What, polls aren’t accurate?!? They can be manipulated rhetorically?!? I am SHOCKED.

Judas Peckerwood February 11, 2010 at 5:16 pm

America is just chock full o’ teh stupid, ain’t it?

Autoo February 11, 2010 at 5:20 pm

[re=511582]hedgehog[/re]: EVERYBODY, but everybody loves lesbians.

- The lesbians (obviously) love lesbians for reason that are self evident

- The straight men love lesbians because they love to see two chicks make out

- The straight women and the gay men love lesbians because they can repair their Subarus

Heywood Jablome February 11, 2010 at 5:25 pm

[re=511594]Citizen Kitteh[/re]: Which is exactly what Jimmy N’s pithy and trenchan analysis is saying, right?

Good job Wonketeers! You’ve dug down deep for every analogous pair of alterntives for the original question.

Three loud and inappropriate office snort/laughs to you!

Cheney Guevara February 11, 2010 at 5:34 pm

What about bi people? maybe they could serve half tours of duty.

Don' February 11, 2010 at 5:36 pm

I think their thinking went something like: ‘Hey I’m not a a bigot. I’m OK with those Gays and Lesbians. But HOMOSEXUALITY is a sin. No sir I am not OK with that.’

Biden Time February 11, 2010 at 5:44 pm

Bisexuals will only be allowed in the Coast Guard.

Hunger Tallest Palin February 11, 2010 at 6:10 pm

But only if the gay men marry the lesbians!

One Yield Regular February 11, 2010 at 6:39 pm

[re=511692]Cheney Guevara[/re]: Or rather *double* tours of duty, like in the old joke about the one-eyed guy who argues at the cinema ticket booth that he should only have to pay half-price since he can only see half the movie, but the ticket guy charges him double since he’ll have to sit through the movie twice to see it all.

bhosp February 11, 2010 at 6:47 pm

I think, in Real America, the hierarchy of “Who do you think should be in the military?” goes something like this:
Straight Man > Lesbian Woman > Straight Woman > Gay Man

And I think the hierarchy of “Who would you rather share a foxhole with?” hierarchy definitely goes like this:
Straight Woman > Lesbian Woman > Straight Man > Gay Man

I think you put those together, then remind someone that you’re keeping out all those badass lesbian shitkickers along with all the limp-wristed faggots, and you get this spectacular poll.

Scarab February 11, 2010 at 6:59 pm

Softball players & soft ball players?

Radiotherapy February 11, 2010 at 7:07 pm

Thank god they didn’t ask about atheists or wiccans.

AliBabaInBA February 11, 2010 at 7:24 pm

“Gay Men” are just nice guys who sometimes exhibit effeminate mannerisms, haven’t yet met the right girl, are great for knowing just the right recipes for a dinner party, and understand a woman’s feelings. Lesbians are usually lovely spinsters — but, let’s face it, sometimes bitter and angry — who really should be happy with each others’ company …poor dears. Homosexuals are the ones who spit in the face of GOD and use the lubricant stuff and litter the parks with those condoms!!
But, yes, my homeland has the most willfully stupid people on the planet.

Wonderman February 11, 2010 at 7:33 pm

Lemme tell you, they wuz no homersextuals in Veet Nom. They was just boys who liked to suck a dick. Ain’t nuthin’ wrong with that.

El Pinche February 11, 2010 at 7:56 pm

It’s CBS… they meant homo like Jack and gay like Will.

vespula maculata February 11, 2010 at 9:56 pm

This is perhaps the most sublime microcosm one could wish of the very stupidity that got Bush two terms.

elenique February 11, 2010 at 11:42 pm

America comes clean on figuring out that an all lesbian army would kick butt!!!!!

Rajul February 12, 2010 at 8:26 am

I agree with both polls. I want my male soldiers to be happy and my female soldiers to be carpet munchers, but no homos.

Asa Hawks February 12, 2010 at 9:03 am

Stop making me laugh so early in the morning. I have to believe that some poor self-loathing soul at Fox news wants their viewers to look as stupid as possible, because the alternative is too terrifying.

MOG February 12, 2010 at 9:57 am

When I was growing up it was, people like “Aunt Kathryn and that lovely young man down the street with the beautiful garden?” Quite a mouthful.

iolanthe February 12, 2010 at 3:46 pm

@MOG: When I was growing up during the 1950s, my mother called these two households “The Confirmed Bachelors” and “The New England Sisters.” And both households had lovely gardens, I might add.

One of the Confirmed Bachelors taught drama at the high school.
His partner played the organ at our Episcopal Church.
One of the New England Sisters taught girls’ P.E.
Her partner managed the local music store.

They were all friends of our family, people we would greet at church, people who would come over to the house for this or that church or family occasion.

And yet, my father still railed against homosexuality, so vehemently he would start spitting and his jowls would shake. He was cool about people being Atheists, but the very fact of homosexuality’s existence made him rage, and damned near cry.

My mother was a bit more worldly. I’d sometimes catch her rolling her eyes when he’d talk like that.
I suspect my father truly had no idea that any of these people were gay.
My mother never clued him in.

Whenever I hear some Teabagger insisting that they don’t know *any* homosexuals, I remember my Dad, and smile quietly to myself. Sigh …

Lascauxcaveman February 15, 2010 at 2:44 am

[re=512398]iolanthe[/re]: You know your dad was a total closet case, don’t you?

Chuckie Jesus February 19, 2010 at 9:21 pm

[re=511628]BigDupa: “Would you be ok if Rosie O’Donnell or Larry Craig were fighting in Iraq?”[/re]:

You mean like the Ali/Foreman fight? HELLS TO THE YEAH.

RUMBLE IN THE JUNGLE II: The Hurt-a in Al Shurrta

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: