National Weather Service: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES… NOW!!!

  wonkette weather desk

Did the National Weather Service die while finishing up its latest hilarious Special Weather Statement? CRACK YOUR WINDOWS TO AVOID CARBON MONOXIDE POISONING… WE KNOW THIS… BECAUSE WE DID NOT CRACK OUR WINDOWS… AND ARE NOW DYING. MOVE YOUR FINGERS… LEGS… COME ON OL’ LEG, JUST… MOVE… A LITTLE… MOR… FUCK YOU… CRUEL WORL—– [Weather.com]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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60 comments

  1. MOG

    Here in the lower slower, we’re just stuck in our houses, but I’ll practice moving my …toes…fingers…etc.

  2. Terry

    You know a storm is a bad one when the weather folks are freaked rather than going “squeeeeeee” with joy and trying to film the event.

  3. qwerty42

    Flee, Jim, flee at once! Head south; glaciers are already forming to the north and you’ll be trapped if you head east or west. Dunno how you’ll cross the river though as the bridges are probably not drivable. Save Sara if you can. You could live blog the whole effort.

  4. blinky_twinkie

    PERIODICALLY RUN YOUR ENGINE UNTIL YOU RUN OUT OF GAS YOU UNLUCKY FUCK THEN JUST SIT AND WAIT TO DIE RESCUERS WILL FIND YOUR HALF EATEN REMAINS NEXT TO COYOTE TRACKS YOUR KIDS WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU SO FOR FUCKS SAKE DON’T RUN OUT OF GAS OH YEAH AND WIGGLE YOUR TOES YOU LOST IN THE SNOW MOTHERFUCKER HAHAHAHAHAHA

  5. caieva

    please do make sure your exhaust pipe isn’t jammed into that snowbank you hit sliding off the road that caused you to be stuck, or you will die, the end.

  6. Texan Bulldoggette

    [re=510667]Terry[/re]: Yeah, the only other time when I saw the NWS issue such a dire warning was right before Katrina (remember the, ‘you will die, so get out’ warnings?) Take care, East Coasters!

  7. Sharkey

    EVERY 10 MINUTES THROW ALL CORPSES ONTO STREET AND MOLOTOV COCKTAILS FOOD IS YUMMY WIGGLE YOUR EARS NWS OUT BIOTCHES.

  8. V572625694

    DON’T LEAVE YOUR CAR but PERIODICALLY CHECK TO BE SURE YOUR EXHAUST PIPE IS FREE OF SNOW.

    This is very helpful advice! What, you don’t have a remote teevee attached to your exhaust pipe?

  9. Katydid

    You’re not gonna need these helpful instructions unless you’re reading them while driving, the shock of which is going to cause you to crash, leaving me to wonder exactly how you’re supposed to clear your exhaust pipe if you’ll immediately drop dead upon exiting your vehicle into the disorienting and deadly wind-driven snow and cold.

    Us libtards was wrong. Gubbmint does not work.

  10. Terry

    [re=510679]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]:

    That’s the example I was thinking of, as well. When the Weather Service says you will die, they mean it.

  11. geminisunmars

    The traffic on this site is very slow today. Are all the Wonketteers trapped in their cars, awaiting rescue? If so, thanks for all your years of service.

  12. The Toot

    Maybe one day, the National Weather Service, like my grandmother, can learn to turn off Caps Lock when sending emails. I read you loud and clearly Grandma!

  13. AKAM80TheWolf

    Forget the shovel, I’m just writing ‘melt’ on my palm, or do I have to strike that out and write something else on my palm for this trick to work?

  14. windupbird

    Last night, the local weather warned of a foot of snow here….Gov. Patrick sent all state employees home at 12:00, my kids had early release. It’s not even raining here. I kind of feel left out of the dire “Day After Tomorrow”-type of predictions……

  15. coolcatdaddy

    People in Minnesota, Nebraska and other far-flung exotic counties live with this kind of weather all the time.

    Is it any wonder they like Sarah Palin?

    They don’t have time to care about what she’s writing on her palm. They’re too busy moving an counting their legs…fingers…toes….

  16. One Yield Regular

    That sounds like awfully dire advice to me. I have a lovely goddaughter thanks to a blizzard forcing her parents to move their fingers and legs and what have you while stuck in a car for 16 hours.

  17. Flanders

    An intense coastal low will continue to slowly slide north along the New Jersey coast this afternoon before pushing east out to sea tonight.

    Am I the only one that thinks that sounds kind of sexxxy?

  18. unprotoize

    [re=510760]Extemporanus[/re]: Don’t put that in thar, boah! That’s yer gotdang trailer hitch. You are one pair of trucknutz away from being supergay.

  19. slappypaddy

    with the gummint shut down for a few days and not doing its job (praise the lord!), we all deserve a tax refund on the down-time, seeing as how we’re not getting what we paid for (thank god!)

  20. Paul Tardy

    Hey pendejo, you mess with THE JESUS and put gays in your military, dying inside a snowbank is what you get if you are lucky. Why don’t you call your Hello Kitty army to dig you out. I’ll take their little pink shovels and stuff them up their asses and twist until they hear snap. Hooo, Baby, you mess with THE JESUS, snow everyday is just the start. You keep fucking with THE JESUS, you just wait and see.

  21. thesheriffisnear

    [re=510711]geminisunmars[/re]: I’ve been at the Stop and Shop loading up on eggs, bread and bottled water. I don’t know why as I don’y eat a lot of bread or drink milk. It seemed like the thing to do. Everyone else was.

  22. thesheriffisnear

    [re=510711]geminisunmars[/re]: I’ve been at the Stop and Shop loading up on eggs, bread and bottled water. I don’t know why as I don’t eat a lot of bread or drink milk. It seemed like the thing to do. Everyone else was.

  23. sezme

    Tie a coloured cloth such as a necktie or your mormon underwear to your antenna to alert rescue crews and scavengers to the whereabouts of your frozen corpse in the weeks ahead.

  24. Mr Blifil

    IN EVENT OF HYPOTHERMIA FUCK SOMETHING PREFERABLY ALIVE BUT NOT REQUIRED FOR GOD’S SAKE YOU ARE PROBABLY ON THE PRECIPICE OF DEATH WHY ARE YOU NOT ENDEAVORING TO FUCK SOMETHING IMMEDIATELY IF IT HAS A HOLE YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING IT FOR BODILY WARMTH IF FOR NO THER REASON JESUS GOD WHAT IS WITH YOUR PEOPLE WHERE IS THE WILL… TO… LIVE…?

  25. populucious

    To stay warm, set your car on fire. This will stave off frostbite and provide a nice guiding light for the rescuers to locate you. Oh but do crack your windows, to avoid carbon monoxide poisoning.

  26. Mr Blifil

    [re=510695]V572625694[/re]: FREE OF SNOW FREE OF SNOW THANK GOD ALMIGHTY MY EXHAUST PIPE IS FREE OF SNOW

  27. slappypaddy

    [re=510811]Paul Tardy[/re]: who was the naked young man with THE JESUS in the garden of gethsemene? why was he wearing nothing but a sheet when the soldiers showed up? was he the disciple THE JESUS loved? the one with his head in the lap of THE JESUS? what did THE JESUS write in the sand with his fingertip while he was waiting for the crowd of self-righteous people he had shamed to disperse after he told them that anyone of them whose slate was clean should feel free to cast the first stone at the accused woman? what did THE JESUS mean when he said, “judge not, that ye be not judged”?

  28. Darkness

    [re=510812]thesheriffisnear[/re]: You are supposed to make french toast, silly. What, you don’t have any home tapped maple syrup you say? Why the hell are you in the snow then?

  29. Sussemilch

    Good God, what a bunch of pussies you city folk are.

    But you keep voting for Dems, so I forgive you.

  30. chaste everywhere

    Wow, not even the weatherpeople believe in global warming anymore. And now I’m off to tie a yellow ribbon ’round the old oak tree into which I done just plowed.

  31. chaste everywhere

    PS Michael Steele must sue immediately: “TIE A COLORED CLOTH TO YOUR CARS ANTENNA”?!? Why not just say “TIE A COLORED MAN TO THE NEAREST TREE”?

  32. BobTheBuilder

    Sexists. What about that OTHER extremity that we men have? We should rub that from time to time to keep it warm, also.

  33. sanantonerose

    I live for these overly dramatic missives from NWS. Who writes them? A frustrated “author” who needed a real job in order to pay the bills? And wouldn’t it be awesome if they contracted the alerts out to real authors? Stephen King for instance.

  34. Accordion-o-rama

    Too bad China took Butterstick back. He’d be out there right now delivering mini-kegs of brandy to the stranded like a slant-eyed St. Bernard.

  35. thesheriffisnear

    [re=510957]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: I disagree. All “they” do all day is at bamboo. Those people, er, Pandas are ALL alike.

  36. thesheriffisnear

    [re=510965]thesheriffisnear[/re]: If they could drive they’d drive badly, also. Just a hunch.

  37. Paul Tardy

    [re=510850]slappypaddy[/re]: I think you got something wrong, I’ve seen all the Coen bros movies and garden of gethsemene is not one of them. Maybe Mel Gibson?

Comments are closed.