WONKETTE WEATHER DESK  1:53 pm February 10, 2010

National Weather Service: RUN FOR YOUR LIVES… NOW!!!

by Jim Newell

Did the National Weather Service die while finishing up its latest hilarious Special Weather Statement? CRACK YOUR WINDOWS TO AVOID CARBON MONOXIDE POISONING… WE KNOW THIS… BECAUSE WE DID NOT CRACK OUR WINDOWS… AND ARE NOW DYING. MOVE YOUR FINGERS… LEGS… COME ON OL’ LEG, JUST… MOVE… A LITTLE… MOR… FUCK YOU… CRUEL WORL—– [Weather.com]

 
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{ 60 comments }

MOG February 10, 2010 at 1:59 pm

Here in the lower slower, we’re just stuck in our houses, but I’ll practice moving my …toes…fingers…etc.

Terry February 10, 2010 at 2:04 pm

You know a storm is a bad one when the weather folks are freaked rather than going “squeeeeeee” with joy and trying to film the event.

qwerty42 February 10, 2010 at 2:07 pm

Flee, Jim, flee at once! Head south; glaciers are already forming to the north and you’ll be trapped if you head east or west. Dunno how you’ll cross the river though as the bridges are probably not drivable. Save Sara if you can. You could live blog the whole effort.

blinky_twinkie February 10, 2010 at 2:09 pm

PERIODICALLY RUN YOUR ENGINE UNTIL YOU RUN OUT OF GAS YOU UNLUCKY FUCK THEN JUST SIT AND WAIT TO DIE RESCUERS WILL FIND YOUR HALF EATEN REMAINS NEXT TO COYOTE TRACKS YOUR KIDS WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU SO FOR FUCKS SAKE DON’T RUN OUT OF GAS OH YEAH AND WIGGLE YOUR TOES YOU LOST IN THE SNOW MOTHERFUCKER HAHAHAHAHAHA

caieva February 10, 2010 at 2:10 pm

please do make sure your exhaust pipe isn’t jammed into that snowbank you hit sliding off the road that caused you to be stuck, or you will die, the end.

Texan Bulldoggette February 10, 2010 at 2:11 pm

[re=510667]Terry[/re]: Yeah, the only other time when I saw the NWS issue such a dire warning was right before Katrina (remember the, ‘you will die, so get out’ warnings?) Take care, East Coasters!

x111e7thst February 10, 2010 at 2:12 pm

Fortunately I am stuck next to an SUV filled with plump suburban children. I will not starve.

Sharkey February 10, 2010 at 2:16 pm

EVERY 10 MINUTES THROW ALL CORPSES ONTO STREET AND MOLOTOV COCKTAILS FOOD IS YUMMY WIGGLE YOUR EARS NWS OUT BIOTCHES.

pampl February 10, 2010 at 2:21 pm

THE LOW PRESSURE FRONT IS COMING FROM INSIDE YOUR HOUSE. GET OUT.

joezoo February 10, 2010 at 2:22 pm

“Tell… my wife… I never… lov—”

V572625694 February 10, 2010 at 2:23 pm

DON’T LEAVE YOUR CAR but PERIODICALLY CHECK TO BE SURE YOUR EXHAUST PIPE IS FREE OF SNOW.

This is very helpful advice! What, you don’t have a remote teevee attached to your exhaust pipe?

Scooter February 10, 2010 at 2:23 pm

If by some quirk of fate you are NOT trapped in car:

Breathe in. Breathe out. Pray to jeezus. Repeat.

bitchincamaro February 10, 2010 at 2:23 pm

Siphon windshield washer fluid when the scotch runs out.

Katydid February 10, 2010 at 2:28 pm

You’re not gonna need these helpful instructions unless you’re reading them while driving, the shock of which is going to cause you to crash, leaving me to wonder exactly how you’re supposed to clear your exhaust pipe if you’ll immediately drop dead upon exiting your vehicle into the disorienting and deadly wind-driven snow and cold.

Us libtards was wrong. Gubbmint does not work.

FMA February 10, 2010 at 2:29 pm

HOLY FUCKING JEEBUS WE’RE OUT OF LIQUOR PRAY FOR US LOSING WILL TO LIVE ALL IS DARK

Terry February 10, 2010 at 2:29 pm

[re=510679]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]:

That’s the example I was thinking of, as well. When the Weather Service says you will die, they mean it.

Katydid February 10, 2010 at 2:31 pm

[re=510693]pampl[/re]: Win

geminisunmars February 10, 2010 at 2:31 pm

The traffic on this site is very slow today. Are all the Wonketteers trapped in their cars, awaiting rescue? If so, thanks for all your years of service.

freakishlystrong February 10, 2010 at 2:32 pm

LIONS..TIGERS..BEARS..

The Toot February 10, 2010 at 2:32 pm

Maybe one day, the National Weather Service, like my grandmother, can learn to turn off Caps Lock when sending emails. I read you loud and clearly Grandma!

AKAM80TheWolf February 10, 2010 at 2:36 pm

Forget the shovel, I’m just writing ‘melt’ on my palm, or do I have to strike that out and write something else on my palm for this trick to work?

windupbird February 10, 2010 at 2:40 pm

Last night, the local weather warned of a foot of snow here….Gov. Patrick sent all state employees home at 12:00, my kids had early release. It’s not even raining here. I kind of feel left out of the dire “Day After Tomorrow”-type of predictions……

Sharkey February 10, 2010 at 2:49 pm

We don’t even have a Superdome for people to go and terrorize.

coolcatdaddy February 10, 2010 at 2:50 pm

People in Minnesota, Nebraska and other far-flung exotic counties live with this kind of weather all the time.

Is it any wonder they like Sarah Palin?

They don’t have time to care about what she’s writing on her palm. They’re too busy moving an counting their legs…fingers…toes….

An Outhouse February 10, 2010 at 2:50 pm

PERIODICALLY FUCK LIKE BUNNIES TO STAY WARM.

saralovesyou February 10, 2010 at 2:51 pm

Whatever. I learned this in elementary school. Welcome to my frozen tundra life, East Coast!

Sharkey February 10, 2010 at 2:51 pm

Oh right, it’s called the Verizon Center. Meet me there, I’ve got your bag of iPads.

SayItWithWookies February 10, 2010 at 3:02 pm

…and at nightfall the ice worms will come…

Extemporanus February 10, 2010 at 3:02 pm

[re=510695]V572625694[/re]: I have a pre-op TV attached to my exhaust pipe.

Will that do the trick?

One Yield Regular February 10, 2010 at 3:05 pm

That sounds like awfully dire advice to me. I have a lovely goddaughter thanks to a blizzard forcing her parents to move their fingers and legs and what have you while stuck in a car for 16 hours.

slappypaddy February 10, 2010 at 3:06 pm

don’t panic.
follow instructions.
when following instructions fails, follow the light.

blinky_twinkie February 10, 2010 at 3:09 pm

[re=510759]SayItWithWookies[/re]: They mostly come at night. Mostly.

Flanders February 10, 2010 at 3:09 pm

An intense coastal low will continue to slowly slide north along the New Jersey coast this afternoon before pushing east out to sea tonight.

Am I the only one that thinks that sounds kind of sexxxy?

unprotoize February 10, 2010 at 3:25 pm

[re=510760]Extemporanus[/re]: Don’t put that in thar, boah! That’s yer gotdang trailer hitch. You are one pair of trucknutz away from being supergay.

ella February 10, 2010 at 3:42 pm

10-1 odds Sylvia Plath has a big fan there.

slappypaddy February 10, 2010 at 3:46 pm

with the gummint shut down for a few days and not doing its job (praise the lord!), we all deserve a tax refund on the down-time, seeing as how we’re not getting what we paid for (thank god!)

Paul Tardy February 10, 2010 at 3:50 pm

Hey pendejo, you mess with THE JESUS and put gays in your military, dying inside a snowbank is what you get if you are lucky. Why don’t you call your Hello Kitty army to dig you out. I’ll take their little pink shovels and stuff them up their asses and twist until they hear snap. Hooo, Baby, you mess with THE JESUS, snow everyday is just the start. You keep fucking with THE JESUS, you just wait and see.

thesheriffisnear February 10, 2010 at 3:51 pm

[re=510711]geminisunmars[/re]: I’ve been at the Stop and Shop loading up on eggs, bread and bottled water. I don’t know why as I don’y eat a lot of bread or drink milk. It seemed like the thing to do. Everyone else was.

thesheriffisnear February 10, 2010 at 3:51 pm

[re=510711]geminisunmars[/re]: I’ve been at the Stop and Shop loading up on eggs, bread and bottled water. I don’t know why as I don’t eat a lot of bread or drink milk. It seemed like the thing to do. Everyone else was.

sezme February 10, 2010 at 3:52 pm

Tie a coloured cloth such as a necktie or your mormon underwear to your antenna to alert rescue crews and scavengers to the whereabouts of your frozen corpse in the weeks ahead.

ragecupcake February 10, 2010 at 4:16 pm

thanks Jim. BEST….POST…EVER…

Mr Blifil February 10, 2010 at 4:24 pm

IN EVENT OF HYPOTHERMIA FUCK SOMETHING PREFERABLY ALIVE BUT NOT REQUIRED FOR GOD’S SAKE YOU ARE PROBABLY ON THE PRECIPICE OF DEATH WHY ARE YOU NOT ENDEAVORING TO FUCK SOMETHING IMMEDIATELY IF IT HAS A HOLE YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING IT FOR BODILY WARMTH IF FOR NO THER REASON JESUS GOD WHAT IS WITH YOUR PEOPLE WHERE IS THE WILL… TO… LIVE…?

populucious February 10, 2010 at 4:24 pm

To stay warm, set your car on fire. This will stave off frostbite and provide a nice guiding light for the rescuers to locate you. Oh but do crack your windows, to avoid carbon monoxide poisoning.

Mr Blifil February 10, 2010 at 4:24 pm

[re=510695]V572625694[/re]: FREE OF SNOW FREE OF SNOW THANK GOD ALMIGHTY MY EXHAUST PIPE IS FREE OF SNOW

slappypaddy February 10, 2010 at 4:29 pm

[re=510811]Paul Tardy[/re]: who was the naked young man with THE JESUS in the garden of gethsemene? why was he wearing nothing but a sheet when the soldiers showed up? was he the disciple THE JESUS loved? the one with his head in the lap of THE JESUS? what did THE JESUS write in the sand with his fingertip while he was waiting for the crowd of self-righteous people he had shamed to disperse after he told them that anyone of them whose slate was clean should feel free to cast the first stone at the accused woman? what did THE JESUS mean when he said, “judge not, that ye be not judged”?

Darkness February 10, 2010 at 4:29 pm

You guys deserve to be stuck in your cars, FOR TAKING ALL OUR SNOW!

Darkness February 10, 2010 at 4:30 pm

[re=510812]thesheriffisnear[/re]: You are supposed to make french toast, silly. What, you don’t have any home tapped maple syrup you say? Why the hell are you in the snow then?

Sussemilch February 10, 2010 at 4:45 pm

Good God, what a bunch of pussies you city folk are.

But you keep voting for Dems, so I forgive you.

chaste everywhere February 10, 2010 at 5:23 pm

Wow, not even the weatherpeople believe in global warming anymore. And now I’m off to tie a yellow ribbon ’round the old oak tree into which I done just plowed.

chaste everywhere February 10, 2010 at 5:27 pm

PS Michael Steele must sue immediately: “TIE A COLORED CLOTH TO YOUR CARS ANTENNA”?!? Why not just say “TIE A COLORED MAN TO THE NEAREST TREE”?

BobTheBuilder February 10, 2010 at 5:29 pm

Sexists. What about that OTHER extremity that we men have? We should rub that from time to time to keep it warm, also.

SpikeyDog February 10, 2010 at 5:40 pm

These are just normal winter commute guidelines here in Minnesota. What’s the big deal?

sanantonerose February 10, 2010 at 5:43 pm

I live for these overly dramatic missives from NWS. Who writes them? A frustrated “author” who needed a real job in order to pay the bills? And wouldn’t it be awesome if they contracted the alerts out to real authors? Stephen King for instance.

Accordion-o-rama February 10, 2010 at 6:25 pm

Too bad China took Butterstick back. He’d be out there right now delivering mini-kegs of brandy to the stranded like a slant-eyed St. Bernard.

thesheriffisnear February 10, 2010 at 6:46 pm

[re=510957]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: I disagree. All “they” do all day is at bamboo. Those people, er, Pandas are ALL alike.

thesheriffisnear February 10, 2010 at 6:47 pm

[re=510965]thesheriffisnear[/re]: If they could drive they’d drive badly, also. Just a hunch.

thesheriffisnear February 10, 2010 at 6:50 pm

That’s supposed to be EAT bamboo. No more Booker Rising for me.

gertrudis February 10, 2010 at 7:06 pm

[re=510768]Flanders[/re]: No, you’re not. Joaquin Phoenix in “To Die For” had the same feelings.
http://www.imdb.com/rg/mediaindex/thumbnail/media/rm4226128128/tt0114681

Paul Tardy February 10, 2010 at 10:13 pm

[re=510850]slappypaddy[/re]: I think you got something wrong, I’ve seen all the Coen bros movies and garden of gethsemene is not one of them. Maybe Mel Gibson?

TGY February 11, 2010 at 7:11 am

PAY … ATTENTION … TO THIS … WARNING

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