RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  5:02 pm February 9, 2010

Science: ‘Massaging Your Scalp With Cigarette Ash’ Might Be Ill-Advised

by Riley Waggaman

  • Aww, Jim Inhofe’s grandchildren built Al Gore a spacious snow cavern to live in! How did they know Al’s fursona was a “homeless but sensitive polar bear?” [Think Progress]
  • Looks like it’s going to be another lonely, miserable Valentine’s Day, huh? Hey, why not fingerbang a heavily-discounted Newt Gingrich paperback from the NRO bookstore instead? Ships with a bottle of Newt’s famous pheromone cologne so you can set the mood! [The Corner]
  • “How many Americans will die because of Barack Obama’s handling of national security?” Hopefully enough in time for the 2012 elections! [RedState]
  • Obama’s “the only good terrorist is a dead terrorist” policy is in direct conflict with Rumsfeld’s way better “keep that terrorist alive so we can tickle him with a power drill” doctrine. [Matt Yglesias]
  • Bad news for feral Hill interns who snack on cigarette butts and other special treasures they find on the Mall: You are exposing yourself to third-hand smoke. [Gateway Pundit]
 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 43 comments }

JMP February 9, 2010 at 5:15 pm

Well, RedState, as long as less than 8000 Americans die due to Obama’s handling of national security, he’ll beat his predecessor.

ManchuCandidate February 9, 2010 at 5:16 pm

I don’t hate anyone enough to send them a Newt Gingrich book.

I don’t hate having money to spend it on a Newt Gingrich book. Also.

El Kabong February 9, 2010 at 5:16 pm

is there an adoption program for the feral interns? I have a nice barn they can live in. And do they have to be spayed/neutered first before being sent back into the wild?

SayItWithWookies February 9, 2010 at 5:24 pm

Matt Yglesias pegs the real reason the right wants Obama to fail — it would be to the ultimate discrediting of their ideas (such as they are) if he did better at stuff their Marvel Comics approach failed at for eight years. That Mark Thiessen has shamelessly come out as pro-terrorist only accentuates the Republicans’ new pro-rape, anti-military stance. I’d congratulate them on becoming the thing they hate most in the world, but really this is just the natural extension of Newt’s Contract with America — spout high ideals, get the people to buy in, then do whatever the hell you want.

AnnieGetYourFun February 9, 2010 at 5:29 pm

You forgot the most important story of the day: Americans are fucking retarded.

gurukalehuru February 9, 2010 at 5:29 pm

Jim Inhofe described it as “really humorous.” If you are retarded.

Tommmcatt February 9, 2010 at 5:29 pm

A “fursona” is a real term, isn’t it?

Riley is always terrifying.

edgydrifter February 9, 2010 at 5:39 pm

Looks like I’m going to have to give up licking smokers. Damn you, nicotine!

V572625694 February 9, 2010 at 5:42 pm

[re=510364]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Do we miss Chimpy? Not until Obama gets us embroiled in two more endless unwinnable wars and starts destroying jobs at a faster rate than Bush did.

Crank Tango February 9, 2010 at 5:43 pm

I just hope Riley gets a silkwood shower after going to these sites…

grevillea February 9, 2010 at 5:50 pm

Maybe The Corner should just have a book burning to reduce its inventory. Or rip out the pages and use them to line K-Lo’s cage. Those shipments of kitty litter can’t be cheap.

Dolmance February 9, 2010 at 5:50 pm

Why don’t you send the terrorists to us down here in Latin America? Here in my country, when some sniveling little union organizer or student poet or other enemies of the Holy Roman Church becomes too big for their britches, our heroic Guardia Nacional picks them up in the middle of the night and hands them over to the Jurana Indians who saws off their heads and shrinks them down to the size of an apricot. Then we take the heads out on holidays and special occasions like weddings and confirmation parties and shake them like the little Punch & Judy puppets to hiss and complain endlessly… Oh, how the children laugh and laugh.

We know what to do. And we want to help.

drrty martini February 9, 2010 at 5:53 pm

I was planning on chooching this Valentine’s Day – that Gingrich book would get things off to a wonderful start!

Jim89048 February 9, 2010 at 5:59 pm

[re=510383]Dolmance[/re]: Been thinking about emigrating somewhere, yours sounds like an inviting culture…

Dolmance February 9, 2010 at 6:01 pm

[re=510387]Jim89048[/re]: I don’t know. We’re very religious.

BarackMyWorld February 9, 2010 at 6:31 pm

I read the Redstate article and am confident that they have no idea what they are talking about, but neither does anyone else.

tootsieroll February 9, 2010 at 6:36 pm

[re=510385]drrty martini[/re]: Is this another sexual position I get to learn about on Wonkette today?

Extemporanus February 9, 2010 at 6:51 pm

To what am I exposing myself if I fingerbang a homeless polar bear’s scalp with a feral intern’s butt?

Snarkalicious February 9, 2010 at 6:53 pm

[re=510389]Dolmance[/re]: Well, as long as the priests put out.

Snarkalicious February 9, 2010 at 6:56 pm

[re=510411]Extemporanus[/re]: Hmm…thats a poser. My first thought is Bob Dole’s clap, but I’m just not sure that’s right.

weejee February 9, 2010 at 6:56 pm

Riley, have you tipped Mark Foley ’bout them feral interns?

alzronnie February 9, 2010 at 6:57 pm

Good reading available for homescholars on that NRO website.

Crank Tango February 9, 2010 at 6:57 pm

[re=510411]Extemporanus[/re]: frostbite?

grevillea February 9, 2010 at 7:00 pm

[re=510411]Extemporanus[/re]: Lego fail. Needs more dildos.

Extemporanus February 9, 2010 at 7:18 pm

[re=510385]drrty martini[/re]: When setting a romantic mood, an appropriate choice of music is key.

[re=510407]tootsieroll[/re]: I could be wrong, but I believe “chooching” is a vulgar portmanteau of “Chachi” and “mooching”.

I’ll let you do the math…

Extemporanus February 9, 2010 at 7:32 pm

[re=510414]Snarkalicious[/re]: [re=510417]Crank Tango[/re]: Bob Dole has the correct answer scrawled on the palm of his hand, but he can’t read it due to an old frostbite injury he sustained while jerking-off a Skijäger division 1 soldier during WWII.

[re=510420]grevillea[/re]: Alright, sicko, you asked for it.

AnnieGetYourFun February 9, 2010 at 7:40 pm

Cigarette ash actually gets dye off of things – I learned this when I was using Manic Panic to color my hair. Needed an ashtray full to get it off of my ears and hairline.

eekahil February 9, 2010 at 7:44 pm

Funsies! “Stephana” left this kute komment on the gatewaypundit Thirdhand Smoke is Bad page!
HeHe, indeed.

“Stephana
February 9th, 2010 | 8:09 am | #4
Lead poisoning is also harmful to your health. HeHe.”

http://gatewaypundit.firstthings.com/2010/02/econuts-now-insist-third-hand-smoke-is-bad-for-you/

grevillea February 9, 2010 at 7:53 pm

[re=510428]Extemporanus[/re]: That’s it, I give up. There are no original ideas left. Thanks a bunch, internet!

snideinplainsight February 9, 2010 at 8:15 pm

In case you’re wondering what is happening in DC these days, let me give you a little update;

SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW SNOW
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lawrenceofthedesert February 9, 2010 at 9:15 pm

[re=510426]Extemporanus[/re]: I had never seen Roy Orbison singing in drag before, and while he looks a lot prettier as a woman (ditching the Coke bottle glasses for orange and red eyeshadow was a master stroke!), I’m not sure what the heck it did for my romantic mood, which may have moved to Hawaii. I got even more confused when Roy did his Jerry Lewis patented pratfall before the tune was over, yet kept singing, which I believe violates at least two of the Geneva Conventions.

zhubajie February 9, 2010 at 9:20 pm

Newt’s greatest exploit, in my opinion, was getting a BJ from a (female) reporter from the notorious UK tabloid, The Sun! She was an under-cover staff worker. Apparently he demands BJs from all his female staffers (males, too, maybe; anyone know?). Of course, it says something about Sun reporters that they are prepared to blow foreign politicians in parking lots for a good story. BBC World Service interviewed her about it.

drrty martini February 9, 2010 at 9:24 pm

[re=510407]tootsieroll[/re]: Chooching was introduced to me by the great Wonkette – via the Awl: http://wonkette.com/412842/ben-nelson-bribed-with-reach-around-60-votes-for-health-care

El Pinche February 9, 2010 at 10:02 pm

Newt’s fragrance smells like a common sense conservative…Elmer’s paste, Skoal, and of course, ass.

S.Luggo February 9, 2010 at 11:11 pm

Chief among those helping Al Qaeda is Barack Obama.
– The mirandizing of the Shoe-Bomber in December 2001, thus delaying vital intelligence collection.
- Repatriating Yemeni GITMO prisoners to Yemen 2004 – 2008 .
- Transfer of Al Queda terrorist Abdul Rahman al-Amri from Gitmo to Saudi Arabia in 2007.
- Giving the Shoe Bomber (2002) and the Dirty Bomber (2006) a civilian trial so they would have has a soapbox to spew Al Qaeda propaganda before American media, therefore giving Al Qaeda a greater media megaphone than Al Jazeera
- The 2002 Los Angeles Airport shooting on July 4, 2002, Hesham Mohamed Hadayet killing 2 Israelis at the ticket counter of El Al Airlines at LAX
Etc.
Dang.

S.Luggo February 9, 2010 at 11:49 pm

In other news:
National Tea Party Convention
*****
http://www.newsweek.com/id/233331

Steve Malloy, author of Green Hell: How Environmentalists Plan to Ruin Your Life, [warned] that Obama and his [mulatto] minions are conspiring to control every aspect of Americans’ lives—the colors of their cars, the kind of toilet paper they use, how much time they spend in the shower, the temperature of their homes—all under the guise of U.N. greenhouse-gas-reduction schemes. “Obama isn’t a U.S. socialist,” Malloy thundered. “He’s an international socialist. He envisions a one-world government.”

Judge Roy Moore warned, among other things, of “a U.N. guard stationed in every house.” [Perhaps the guards could teach me how to make decent vichyssoise]

A software engineer from Clearwater, Fla., told me that Washington, D.C., liberals had engineered the financial crash so they could destroy the value of the U.S. dollar, pay off America’s debts with worthless paper, and then create a new currency called the Amero that would be used in a newly created “North American Currency Union” with Canada and Mexico.

[At the conference came] the “birther” claim that America’s president might actually be an illegal alien who’s constitutionally ineligible to occupy the White House. This point was made by birther extraordinaire and Christian warrior Joseph Farah, who told the crowd the circumstances of Obama’s birth were more mysterious than those of Jesus Christ. (Apparently comparing Obama to a messiah is only blasphemous if you’re doing so in a complimentary vein.) To applause, he declared, “My dream is that if Barack Obama seeks reelection in 2012 that he won’t be able to go to any city, any city, any town in America without seeing signs that ask, ‘Where’s the birth certificate?’”

*****
Darn. Where’s mine?

Smoke Filled Roommate February 10, 2010 at 12:20 am

Personally, I like my yellow walls. Whenever I remove all my framed pictures to lick them for a nicotine source, I know exactly where they go from the white outlines on the wall.

[re=510458]El Pinche[/re]: And a hint of Dick Swett.

Escape Goat Nation February 10, 2010 at 12:22 am

Steve Malloy is a piece of shit that would advocate, “Heroin for kids!” if the Taliban paid him enough.

SayItWithWookies February 10, 2010 at 1:06 am

[re=510471]S.Luggo[/re]: Oh, somebody noticed. Mr. Kay oughta tune in to Glenn Beck one morning a week — he really won’t have to listen for more than a half-hour. Obama is backed by Bill Ayers and Saul Alinsky and this whole Progressive Movement I had never heard of that apparently seeks to wipe out every citizen’s Constitutional rights and they’re going to be allowed to do this by a financial and/or military crisis that they’ll orchestrate. He somehow never mentions that they should’ve declared success in 2005 and then gone home. And now Newsweek is stunned that this patent inanity is broadcast in public every day and nobody told them.

Cranky Little Camperette February 10, 2010 at 2:32 am

[re=510356]El Kabong[/re]: And do they have to be spayed/neutered first before being sent back into the wild?

On behalf of Capitol Hill residents, DEAR GOD, YES!!!

[re=510435]snideinplainsight[/re]: Dunno if this has made the rounds yet, but this is plainly the only snowy weather guide that DC Residents consult: http://snowpocalypsedc.com/

Smoke Filled Roommate February 10, 2010 at 3:23 am

Isn’t DC always “paralyzed”?

PsycGirl February 10, 2010 at 10:12 am

All of the books on The Corner’s list would give you plenty of whine to go with Valentine’s Day dinner. White whine, at that.

arewethereyet February 10, 2010 at 11:28 am

[re=510435]snideinplainsight[/re]: Can we say “bored”. If we all start drinking now this board should be fun reading by this evening.

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