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  • ILLINOIS DEMOCRATS HAVE REAL WINNER ON THEIR TICKET: Uhh… “It turns out the winner of the Democrats’ lieutenant Governor’s primary in Illinois has a pretty nasty assault rap for attacking his girlfriend back in 2005. According to police reports he slammed her head against a wall and left ‘mild abrasions from [a] knife wound’ on her neck and ‘minor scars on her hand from her trying to defend herself against the arrestee swinging the knife at her.'” Ha ha, “It turns out.” And since all Illinois lieutenant governors become governors after their bosses go to jail… then… profits?? [TPM]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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  • progressiveinga

    I’m sure she deserved it.

  • Cheney Guevara

    um, wtf is wrong with illinois?

  • OReillysVibrator

    Ownership of this goes to wonderful New Jersey Senator and part-time film corpse extra Robert Menendez. As chairman of the DSCC, it’s his job to recruit candidates and get rid of the garbage via endorsements, funding, etc. Evidently this issue and the stuff from that wacky commercial wasn’t enough to get Menendez’s ass into gear. Ohh well, 6 years of a Republican in the Illinois seat can’t be that big a loss!

  • Snarkalicious

    As an Illlinois resident, I consider this to be a step in the right direction. You see, motherfucker had to be drunk first, which is usually not a limiting factor for our elected officials.

  • lochnessmonster

    We are Doomed in Illinois Doomed! This is the best and the brightest? This guy, Quinn, the banker dude, Kirk who wants to kill all the terrorists (and I hope he leaves to do it personally) and the list goes on. At least Stroger will not be a problem unless he decides to run as an Independent…Yikes!

  • Radiotherapy

    Green Balloons?

  • whiskey tango foxtrot

    [re=507940]Snarkalicious[/re]: As a fellow Illinois resident, I am extremely flattered, tickled, and pleased that RedState is showering so much vertical-blogspace on us today. Gives me a warm feeling.

  • seriesoftubescleaner

    We call that “Chicago-style” politics.

  • Gorillionaire

    Well he’s got the Republican vote in the bag, anyways.

  • SayItWithWookies

    His girlfriend was also a prostitute, but Cohen claims he didn’t know that — and to be honest, his divorce and his federal tax problems were taking up a lot of his time.

  • Cheney Guevara

    [re=507945]whiskey tango foxtrot[/re]: be careful of showers that give you a warm feeling. they may not be red.

  • PickneyPinchback

    Is there any way our Democratic “leaders” can blame this on Scott Brown?

  • Snarkalicious

    [re=507945]whiskey tango foxtrot[/re]: Have they gotten around to the fact, yet, that the “Let’s put the biggest assholes in the state in office” initiative is the most successful instance of bipartisanship in our nation’s hisory? Or is this a George Ryan(D) sorta moment?

  • populucious

    I’m thinking Illinois should change their state motto: Illinois: You Could Not Make This Shit Up

  • Gorillionaire

    To even the score for their past “mistakes”, Fox Nooze should be sure to put a -(R) after Cohen’s name on the chromakey tonight.

  • hillarys_left_nut

    he’s gonna win, and then he can point out that it’s convictions that count, bitches, not the coke-addled stream of consciousness allegations of the “victim” who never bothered showing up in court, all of which his campaign manager indicates he disclosed to the party, and all of which is in the paper today per the douchebags who LOST to this jasper.

    Dude getting some free from a hooker, I’d call that a budget-conscious cost-cutting big-pimping good-government easy ridin’ motherfucker, myself…more of which we need.

  • grevillea

    [re=507943]Radiotherapy[/re]: So messy!

  • BlueStateLibtard

    This is in really bad taste, but couldn’t the Democrats actually use a psycho who goes nuts and assaults people? We have tried calmly reasoning with the Repugnants, doesn’t work, maybe this is the way to go.

  • Naked Bunny with a Whip

    They have primaries for Lieutenant Governors??

  • lochnessmonster

    [re=508008]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: Our esteemed Gov (the mighty) Quinn is going to try and change that…

  • Humpback

    C’mon, what’s the big deal? The abrasions were mild. Mild!

  • Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Does he have his original long-form birth certificate? Because that’s the important thing.

  • Long Form Def Certificate

    She was his Bottom Bitch.


  • heathenish

    Jesus the Deocrats suck as much as the GOP…

  • plowman

    Well maybe the bitch was going all tea-party on him, what’s a dude to do?

  • Larry McAwful

    I’ve already ordered several thousand “Cohen was acquitted” bumper stickers to have printed so I can sell them to the Cohen campaign. I really should nail down that copyright before someone beats me to Cohen campaign HQ.

  • Radiotherapy

    [re=508080]Larry McAwful[/re]: If he didn’t hit, you must acquit!

  • ladymacbeth

    [re=507936]Cheney Guevara[/re]: i would venture a guess if any other state had held a primary yesterday there would have been JUST as many greek – italian mobster loving wife beating friends of rod who also probably knew barry from the Early Days.

    it’s just, you know, no one else held a primary.

  • Crow T. Robot

    Step One: Collect underpants

  • Berkeley Bear

    [re=508008]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: Yeah, it is the only reason Quinn got to be Lt. Gov (Blago didn’t even talk to him for years). No one gave a snot until Blago went down, but this time every freak came out of the woodwork.

    The GOP candidate, btw, is a 27 year old vp of a lumber company who self-financed and has never worked for anyone other than his dad. He (and the GOP governor candidate) between them couldn’t get more than 30% of the primary vote, but they don’t seem to have as many self-inflicted wounds as the dems.

  • Red Zeppelin

    Notice the modifier “mild” referencing “abrasions.” Clearly that is exculpatory. The bar is fairly high in Chicago for personal injury claims, just due to sheer volume.


    It takes two to cause defensive stabbing wounds to the hands. She could have put her hands down and let him continue to make mild knife abrasions to her neck, as he wished.

    /snark– No one I know has ever done this, drunk or not. This is an unwell spoiled shitball and should at least have the decency to register republican. No way should someone like this be on the ballot. It only happend 5 years ago.

  • ky-jellydonuts

    And you cowards wouldn’t vote for Ricky “Hollywood” Hendon?

    For shame.

  • zhubajie

    Maybe this guy can be Obama’s enforcer with the congressional Dems. He needs someone to discipline them.

  • zhubajie

    A couple years ago, BBC World Service had a lot of fun interviewing the various ex-cons, retired street gang enforcers, etc., who were running for Chicago City Council!

  • TGY

    He’s the next Blackojevich, obvs.

  • chapoutier

    If only he were running for mayor of Providence. This is considered a “resume enhancer” there. Or, a “melhora de resumo” if you are one of the feral Portuguese that infect the state.

  • caieva

    I believe the guy when he says he told this to the powers that be and no-one cared, because NO-ONE thought he’d win the primary!
    The more damning testimony comes from his divorce, where his wife got a restraining order against him for roid rage, and he promised the judge he wouldn’t keep taking those illegal steroids during the divorce…