China Tired of Loaning Us Everything, Seizes Butterstick From Washington Zoo

  china is raping our culture

buh-bye shitty!Beloved black-and-white poopbag “Butterstick” has finally been seized by our Chinese overlords and flown back to Red China, where the sad worn-out creature will be brutally interrogated for his contacts with the Dalai Lama. And then, magically, the famous bear will suddenly start manufacturing stuff and building gleaming new cities of glass and steel, and instead of poop, 18% annualized growth will shoot from its sore ass.

Butterstick, which means Tai Shan in the Chinese languages, was born in Washington at the National Zoo on July 9, 2005. Nobody knows who the father was, as the mother implausibly claimed she was “artificially inseminated.” Yeah, with somebody’s dick.

Everybody loved the Butterstick while it was little, and then it got all big and nasty and people were like, “Let’s kill it for food. Just like Panda Express.” A new cute bear was born to actor Leo DeCarprio, the beloved “Knut,” and because of this we stopped — or at least heard about — Global Warming. But Knut lived in Nazi Germany, not DC, so it’s hard to say how this might’ve impacted the situation back at home.

You're in both dreams and you're scared.Before long, America had sold its very last assets (the show Lost) to China, and then China was all, “What else you got? Oh right, how about you GIVE US BACK OUR MOTHERFUCKING PANDA YOU WHITE DEVILS.”

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Good-bye, Butterstick! Hope you learn to fuck over there!

Ha ha CBS News really headlined its article “Panda Express” [CBS News]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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58 comments

  1. charlesdegoal

    I’m confused. Wasn’t the butterstick thing what Marlon Brando did to Maria Schneider in Last Tango in Paris a while ago? Didn’t remember any panda bears in the movie.

  2. le petit mort

    Jin was finally able to deliver his Panda Yao to the Chinese businessman.

    /obscure LOST Panda reference

  3. JMP

    Like most former child stars, Butterstick’s descent into a cocaine and booze-fueled revelry has nearly claimed his life; this “returning to China” thing is really just cover as the National Zoo checks him into rehab. Next up: his own VH1 reality show.

    Maybe CBS should start naming all of its features after shitty fast food chains.

  4. SayItWithWookies

    Sadly, Butterstick will never be a good lay. Pandas are worse lovers than Regent U. grads. Is what I’ve heard.

  5. McDuff

    Obama was on his own this morning — I heard the entire DC-area Federal law enforcement and security apparatus was at the Zoo to protect Butterstick’s convoy to the airport.

  6. pampl

    Wow, the plane is actually named the “FedEx Panda Express”. Federal Express Panda Express, that just rolls off the tongue

  7. osama bin drinkin

    This article is a good example of why I think Ken Layne is the funniest person writing about politics today.

  8. Come here a minute

    I don’t care if it’s black and white and has that fucking cute-as-hell face, a bear is a bear, and it is a menace to society. Good riddance. GOOD DAY SIR!

    (snif, snif)

  9. SmutBoffin

    Butterstick = Elian Gonzales x 100

    Enjoy yr. new life in Communist China*, little guy!

    *Anyone who is not Lou Dobbs or a Fox News anchor just calls this “China”.

  10. RoscoePColtraine

    Now they’ve gone and repossessed the panda. Should’ve listened to me and NOT left it parked in the zoo.

  11. TubeCity

    Young ‘uns may not recall the early years of Wonkette, when there was first the revelation of what gay guys did physically with each other, then the revelation of what this one young woman was doing physically with her boss on the Hill; and then… Butterstick!!!

    Those were the innocent years, before we understood that constant angry lying and delusion and warmongering were the central motifs of the paralyzed political structure of a rapidly declining empire, and thus our fate.

    Farewell, Butterstick, farewell Washingtonian, farewell buttsecks!

    We hardly knew ye! And now the drums are calling, calling us to our death panels! Goodbye!

  12. Gopherit

    Hell, Ken. Even if he is too fat to fuck, it’ll be handjobs daily from here on out for our little man. He is living the dream.

  13. Tchyynahhh

    China pirated LOST a long time ago so there must be another reason they waited to steal fluffmuffin…

  14. snideinplainsight

    Maybe we could accept some cute rare endangered species from Taiwan? We could name it “Representative Democracy”, say.

  15. Escape Goat Nation

    It’s pretty clear that they are shoving together Male and Female Pandas that do not share all 29 dimensions of compatibility.

  16. One Yield Regular

    China knows it’s going to win with the U.S. every time, because it knows that if it gets pissed off at us, it can just come right in and take back the panda it loaned us, whereas if we get pissed off with China, we’ll never in a million years be able to stop shopping at WalMart.

  17. snideinplainsight

    [re=507948]snideinplainsight[/re]: Or Tibet! I hear they have a nice llama!

    Even Obama wantsa see the Llama!

  18. S.Luggo

    [re=507927]hockeymom[/re]: Quien?

    [re=507932]Gopherit[/re]: Plus the buggers have six fingers on each hand. The Pandas, I mean.

  19. WadISay

    Not sure which story I like better: the virgin birth of Butterstick; or how he skipped town just before he got gay married.

  20. user-of-owls

    [re=507923]TubeCity[/re]: Preach it, bro/sis. And let us ne’er forget that not only did the W exalt in panda porn, it went so far as to put an actual Chinaman in the editor’s chair. Hope Mssr. Lat has avoided the PRC repo plane.

    No more Butterstick. It’s like when they tore my old school down.

  21. grevillea

    He’ll learn to fuck in Communist re-education, if he knows what’s good for him. Otherwise, he’ll be featuring in the Panda Express Combo down at Shitty Wok.

  22. Saint Ronald the Divine

    Goodbye sweet prince, we knew it would only be a matter of time until Obama sent sent you off to China for your Maoist reeducation. They will try tel you that you are Tai Shan but remember that you were born in the USA (with a long form birth certificate) and you are the one and true Butterstick.

  23. weejee

    [re=507923]TubeCity[/re]: Do you, or the current Eds, know if the Ana Marie Wonkette Editor Emeritus will be going to China to make sure Butterstick enjoys good buttsecks?

  24. S.Luggo

    [re=508006]Saint Ronald the Divine[/re]: Your validictory is wasted. We have something special planned for that ursine ball of bicolor furry terror.

    When the chinese open the packing crate, they’ll find Buttstick wearing a TNT vest (sometimes called “Bagdad casual wear”.) Then the East will be truly red.

  25. Terry

    I[re=508022]AJW[/re]:

    I’ll miss him too. I actually watched his plane take off on streaming live video.

  26. Poicephalus

    Mr. Layne (if that is indeed, your real name),
    thank you so much for helping me get my Bad merit badge.

    C

  27. steverino247

    He wasn’t taken to China. Ten Baptists approached the zookeepers and asked if they could take Butterstick (no giggling about the name cuz we’re Baptists!) over the hill to Maryland. The zookeepers were bored, so they said, “fuck yeah. Take him. We don’t need another cute mouth to feed.” The Baptists told the zookeepers they could come to Maryland and see the bear anytime they wanted. “Sure. Like we believe that,” said the zookeepers. But, the Baptists drove past the Chinese Embassy on the way out, so there may be trouble…

  28. thefrontpage

    Pandas are especially good cooked medium-well, in a white cream sauce, with a drop of wine, some Chinese hot mustard, several Chinese spices, and some Kraft American Cheese on top, slightly melted!

    This dish is actually called Panda Express Delight, and it can be found “off the menu” at any local Asian restaurant, including all of the Asian restaurants in D.C.’s Chinatown, in Silver Spring, in Wheaton, in Rockville, in Arlington County, in Old Town Alexandria, in College Park, in Bowie, in Falls Church, and in the better Asian restaurants in Potomac, Bethesda, McLean and Georgetown.

  29. jbd

    I’m so disappointed in you people. There hasn’t been a single fucking mention of gin so far. Always remember the three pillars that made Wonkette what it is now: assfucking, gin, and the stick.

    Not in that order.

  30. Neilist

    [re=508303]Jim89048[/re]: It’s not me, Jim. I never put Kraft American cheese on ANYTHING.

    Anyway, everyone knows that panda is supposed to be served au jus. And you use the smallest possible shotgun load, so the meat doesn’t get all chewed up before simmering.

    [re=508361]jbd[/re]: Washed down by about a gallon of the kind of Longs Drugstore “gin” ($4.95 per gallon) that Hitchens prefers . . . .

  31. WithMySFValues

    Butterstick was born here so that panda is a U.S. citizen by birth. He’s been deported without any regard for his rights –this is Dred Scott all over again.

  32. libwakman

    Show me the Kenyan-Maoist bears LEGAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE. Butterfucker was quoted as saying he ate a CORPS-MAN, not a KORS-MAN. Stupid fucking socialist half black half white imposter.

  33. SwordIsMightier

    I cannot believe it! We have allowed a panda that the Chinese outsourced to us to be outsourced back to China. If things go as they normally do, Butter Stick will be recycled into a series of All New, lower-lead painted cheap toys and resold to McDonald’s for dispersion in Happy Meals for our children. THIS MUST STOP! If not, pretty soon there will be no American pandas.

  34. SwordIsMightier

    I don’t have any thing further to say… I just wanna see if my avatar is working now. Film at 11.

Comments are closed.