Beloved black-and-white poopbag “Butterstick” has finally been seized by our Chinese overlords and flown back to Red China, where the sad worn-out creature will be brutally interrogated for his contacts with the Dalai Lama. And then, magically, the famous bear will suddenly start manufacturing stuff and building gleaming new cities of glass and steel, and instead of poop, 18% annualized growth will shoot from its sore ass.
Butterstick, which means Tai Shan in the Chinese languages, was born in Washington at the National Zoo on July 9, 2005. Nobody knows who the father was, as the mother implausibly claimed she was “artificially inseminated.” Yeah, with somebody’s dick.
Everybody loved the Butterstick while it was little, and then it got all big and nasty and people were like, “Let’s kill it for food. Just like Panda Express.” A new cute bear was born to actor Leo DeCarprio, the beloved “Knut,” and because of this we stopped — or at least heard about — Global Warming. But Knut lived in Nazi Germany, not DC, so it’s hard to say how this might’ve impacted the situation back at home.
Before long, America had sold its very last assets (the show Lost) to China, and then China was all, “What else you got? Oh right, how about you GIVE US BACK OUR MOTHERFUCKING PANDA YOU WHITE DEVILS.”
Good-bye, Butterstick! Hope you learn to fuck over there!