CHINA IS RAPING OUR CULTURE  4:35 pm February 4, 2010

China Tired of Loaning Us Everything, Seizes Butterstick From Washington Zoo

by Ken Layne

buh-bye shitty!Beloved black-and-white poopbag “Butterstick” has finally been seized by our Chinese overlords and flown back to Red China, where the sad worn-out creature will be brutally interrogated for his contacts with the Dalai Lama. And then, magically, the famous bear will suddenly start manufacturing stuff and building gleaming new cities of glass and steel, and instead of poop, 18% annualized growth will shoot from its sore ass.

Butterstick, which means Tai Shan in the Chinese languages, was born in Washington at the National Zoo on July 9, 2005. Nobody knows who the father was, as the mother implausibly claimed she was “artificially inseminated.” Yeah, with somebody’s dick.

Everybody loved the Butterstick while it was little, and then it got all big and nasty and people were like, “Let’s kill it for food. Just like Panda Express.” A new cute bear was born to actor Leo DeCarprio, the beloved “Knut,” and because of this we stopped — or at least heard about — Global Warming. But Knut lived in Nazi Germany, not DC, so it’s hard to say how this might’ve impacted the situation back at home.

You're in both dreams and you're scared.Before long, America had sold its very last assets (the show Lost) to China, and then China was all, “What else you got? Oh right, how about you GIVE US BACK OUR MOTHERFUCKING PANDA YOU WHITE DEVILS.”

Good-bye, Butterstick! Hope you learn to fuck over there!

Ha ha CBS News really headlined its article “Panda Express” [CBS News]

 
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{ 58 comments }

charlesdegoal February 4, 2010 at 4:37 pm

I’m confused. Wasn’t the butterstick thing what Marlon Brando did to Maria Schneider in Last Tango in Paris a while ago? Didn’t remember any panda bears in the movie.

le petit mort February 4, 2010 at 4:39 pm

Jin was finally able to deliver his Panda Yao to the Chinese businessman.

/obscure LOST Panda reference

thefrontpage February 4, 2010 at 4:39 pm

Isn’t “butterstick” British slang for unprotected anal sex?

Sharkey February 4, 2010 at 4:44 pm

I have had it with this motherfuckin’ panda on this motherfuckin’ plane!

Buzz Feedback February 4, 2010 at 4:45 pm

‘Bout fukkin time for a little Stick.

JMP February 4, 2010 at 4:48 pm

Like most former child stars, Butterstick’s descent into a cocaine and booze-fueled revelry has nearly claimed his life; this “returning to China” thing is really just cover as the National Zoo checks him into rehab. Next up: his own VH1 reality show.

Maybe CBS should start naming all of its features after shitty fast food chains.

Monsieur Grumpe February 4, 2010 at 4:49 pm

How much does it cost to Fed-Ex a panda?

SayItWithWookies February 4, 2010 at 4:50 pm

Sadly, Butterstick will never be a good lay. Pandas are worse lovers than Regent U. grads. Is what I’ve heard.

Monsieur Grumpe February 4, 2010 at 4:50 pm

Wait a minute! Panda Express is a Chenese buffet!

Run Butterstick. Run!

McDuff February 4, 2010 at 4:51 pm

Obama was on his own this morning — I heard the entire DC-area Federal law enforcement and security apparatus was at the Zoo to protect Butterstick’s convoy to the airport.

pampl February 4, 2010 at 4:52 pm

Wow, the plane is actually named the “FedEx Panda Express”. Federal Express Panda Express, that just rolls off the tongue

osama bin drinkin February 4, 2010 at 4:56 pm

This article is a good example of why I think Ken Layne is the funniest person writing about politics today.

Come here a minute February 4, 2010 at 4:57 pm

I don’t care if it’s black and white and has that fucking cute-as-hell face, a bear is a bear, and it is a menace to society. Good riddance. GOOD DAY SIR!

(snif, snif)

SmutBoffin February 4, 2010 at 4:58 pm

Butterstick = Elian Gonzales x 100

Enjoy yr. new life in Communist China*, little guy!

*Anyone who is not Lou Dobbs or a Fox News anchor just calls this “China”.

El Pinche February 4, 2010 at 5:00 pm

At least he’ll have better health care.
DOH!!!

RoscoePColtraine February 4, 2010 at 5:03 pm

Now they’ve gone and repossessed the panda. Should’ve listened to me and NOT left it parked in the zoo.

TubeCity February 4, 2010 at 5:03 pm

Young ‘uns may not recall the early years of Wonkette, when there was first the revelation of what gay guys did physically with each other, then the revelation of what this one young woman was doing physically with her boss on the Hill; and then… Butterstick!!!

Those were the innocent years, before we understood that constant angry lying and delusion and warmongering were the central motifs of the paralyzed political structure of a rapidly declining empire, and thus our fate.

Farewell, Butterstick, farewell Washingtonian, farewell buttsecks!

We hardly knew ye! And now the drums are calling, calling us to our death panels! Goodbye!

hockeymom February 4, 2010 at 5:07 pm

A rare appearance by Ken Layne… and he does not disappoint.

Gopherit February 4, 2010 at 5:11 pm

Hell, Ken. Even if he is too fat to fuck, it’ll be handjobs daily from here on out for our little man. He is living the dream.

Tchyynahhh February 4, 2010 at 5:16 pm

China pirated LOST a long time ago so there must be another reason they waited to steal fluffmuffin…

chaste everywhere February 4, 2010 at 5:24 pm

[re=507922]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: A repo man spends his life getting into tense pandas.

snideinplainsight February 4, 2010 at 5:27 pm

Maybe we could accept some cute rare endangered species from Taiwan? We could name it “Representative Democracy”, say.

Radiotherapy February 4, 2010 at 5:31 pm

We really must stop this panda ring to China.

Escape Goat Nation February 4, 2010 at 5:31 pm

It’s pretty clear that they are shoving together Male and Female Pandas that do not share all 29 dimensions of compatibility.

One Yield Regular February 4, 2010 at 5:33 pm

China knows it’s going to win with the U.S. every time, because it knows that if it gets pissed off at us, it can just come right in and take back the panda it loaned us, whereas if we get pissed off with China, we’ll never in a million years be able to stop shopping at WalMart.

Gopherit February 4, 2010 at 5:34 pm

[re=507951]Radiotherapy[/re]: stop it now.

snideinplainsight February 4, 2010 at 5:36 pm

[re=507948]snideinplainsight[/re]: Or Tibet! I hear they have a nice llama!

Even Obama wantsa see the Llama!

S.Luggo February 4, 2010 at 5:40 pm

[re=507927]hockeymom[/re]: Quien?

[re=507932]Gopherit[/re]: Plus the buggers have six fingers on each hand. The Pandas, I mean.

Gopherit February 4, 2010 at 5:45 pm

This seems like a new internet meme waiting to happen. All your pandas are belong to us.

WadISay February 4, 2010 at 5:47 pm

Not sure which story I like better: the virgin birth of Butterstick; or how he skipped town just before he got gay married.

user-of-owls February 4, 2010 at 5:57 pm

[re=507923]TubeCity[/re]: Preach it, bro/sis. And let us ne’er forget that not only did the W exalt in panda porn, it went so far as to put an actual Chinaman in the editor’s chair. Hope Mssr. Lat has avoided the PRC repo plane.

No more Butterstick. It’s like when they tore my old school down.

grevillea February 4, 2010 at 6:04 pm

He’ll learn to fuck in Communist re-education, if he knows what’s good for him. Otherwise, he’ll be featuring in the Panda Express Combo down at Shitty Wok.

Saint Ronald the Divine February 4, 2010 at 6:12 pm

Goodbye sweet prince, we knew it would only be a matter of time until Obama sent sent you off to China for your Maoist reeducation. They will try tel you that you are Tai Shan but remember that you were born in the USA (with a long form birth certificate) and you are the one and true Butterstick.

weejee February 4, 2010 at 6:25 pm

[re=507923]TubeCity[/re]: Do you, or the current Eds, know if the Ana Marie Wonkette Editor Emeritus will be going to China to make sure Butterstick enjoys good buttsecks?

AJW February 4, 2010 at 6:29 pm

Seriously though, I will miss the little fucker.

S.Luggo February 4, 2010 at 6:30 pm

[re=508006]Saint Ronald the Divine[/re]: Your validictory is wasted. We have something special planned for that ursine ball of bicolor furry terror.

When the chinese open the packing crate, they’ll find Buttstick wearing a TNT vest (sometimes called “Bagdad casual wear”.) Then the East will be truly red.

Norbert February 4, 2010 at 7:00 pm

He looks so sad because he realizes he will soon be divided into over one billion equal portions.

Scooter February 4, 2010 at 8:33 pm

Eats shoots & leaves. So typical.

Leftie Lucy February 4, 2010 at 9:37 pm

Good. I hate pandas.

Terry February 4, 2010 at 9:49 pm

I[re=508022]AJW[/re]:

I’ll miss him too. I actually watched his plane take off on streaming live video.

Poicephalus February 4, 2010 at 10:22 pm

Mr. Layne (if that is indeed, your real name),
thank you so much for helping me get my Bad merit badge.

C

steverino247 February 4, 2010 at 10:58 pm

He wasn’t taken to China. Ten Baptists approached the zookeepers and asked if they could take Butterstick (no giggling about the name cuz we’re Baptists!) over the hill to Maryland. The zookeepers were bored, so they said, “fuck yeah. Take him. We don’t need another cute mouth to feed.” The Baptists told the zookeepers they could come to Maryland and see the bear anytime they wanted. “Sure. Like we believe that,” said the zookeepers. But, the Baptists drove past the Chinese Embassy on the way out, so there may be trouble…

scotack February 4, 2010 at 11:35 pm

You stupid fucking panda. It’s ‘black OR white’, not ‘black AND white’. GET THE FUCKOUT!!1!

Jukesgrrl February 5, 2010 at 12:02 am

If the pandas are only into buttsecks, no wonder it’s so hard to get little pandas.

zhubajie February 5, 2010 at 7:17 am

Butterstick hopefully will be having lots of sex in Chengdu.

TGY February 5, 2010 at 8:49 am

Oh, whatever. The Chinese giveth and the Chinese taketh away. THEY ARE NEARLY EXTINCT FOR A REASON.

thefrontpage February 5, 2010 at 10:31 am

Pandas are especially good cooked medium-well, in a white cream sauce, with a drop of wine, some Chinese hot mustard, several Chinese spices, and some Kraft American Cheese on top, slightly melted!

This dish is actually called Panda Express Delight, and it can be found “off the menu” at any local Asian restaurant, including all of the Asian restaurants in D.C.’s Chinatown, in Silver Spring, in Wheaton, in Rockville, in Arlington County, in Old Town Alexandria, in College Park, in Bowie, in Falls Church, and in the better Asian restaurants in Potomac, Bethesda, McLean and Georgetown.

Mr Blifil February 5, 2010 at 11:28 am

Buck Futterstick

AnnieGetYourFun February 5, 2010 at 11:35 am

Team Knut

Jim89048 February 5, 2010 at 11:40 am

[re=508243]thefrontpage[/re]: Neilist?

jbd February 5, 2010 at 1:20 pm

I’m so disappointed in you people. There hasn’t been a single fucking mention of gin so far. Always remember the three pillars that made Wonkette what it is now: assfucking, gin, and the stick.

Not in that order.

Neilist February 5, 2010 at 5:13 pm

[re=508303]Jim89048[/re]: It’s not me, Jim. I never put Kraft American cheese on ANYTHING.

Anyway, everyone knows that panda is supposed to be served au jus. And you use the smallest possible shotgun load, so the meat doesn’t get all chewed up before simmering.

[re=508361]jbd[/re]: Washed down by about a gallon of the kind of Longs Drugstore “gin” ($4.95 per gallon) that Hitchens prefers . . . .

WithMySFValues February 6, 2010 at 2:18 pm

Butterstick was born here so that panda is a U.S. citizen by birth. He’s been deported without any regard for his rights –this is Dred Scott all over again.

libwakman February 8, 2010 at 6:28 am

Show me the Kenyan-Maoist bears LEGAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE. Butterfucker was quoted as saying he ate a CORPS-MAN, not a KORS-MAN. Stupid fucking socialist half black half white imposter.

WithMySFValues February 9, 2010 at 10:07 pm

I still say Butterstick is a political prisoner of our Chinese overlords/creditors.

SwordIsMightier February 11, 2010 at 9:39 am

I cannot believe it! We have allowed a panda that the Chinese outsourced to us to be outsourced back to China. If things go as they normally do, Butter Stick will be recycled into a series of All New, lower-lead painted cheap toys and resold to McDonald’s for dispersion in Happy Meals for our children. THIS MUST STOP! If not, pretty soon there will be no American pandas.

SwordIsMightier February 11, 2010 at 9:44 am

I don’t have any thing further to say… I just wanna see if my avatar is working now. Film at 11.

newbie February 11, 2010 at 6:47 pm

jbd: wonkette trinity = father, son, & cornholey ghost ?

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